Why would a guy live with a girl for 5+ years and be in a relationship for 5 years if he doesn't love her?

[Anonymous]

I recently broke up with my boyfriend in 2021. We recently talked and he told me that he was never in love with me he just had love for me. He felt that he was forcing himself to do things and feel things and it just wasn't happening. He said I was a good person and he was attracted to that. We lived together for 4 years and I had became close to his family, I saw him cry once and he opened up to me about hard things in his past. He would say I love you so I thought he was in love. It hurt to hear him say how he really felt and I felt played. Why would a man do things or come off as if he is in love but truly he isn't. Maybe there were signs that he didn't love me but I was in denial? Was he just lonely, settling?

[Rosexøxø]

The sex?

Also he probably didn’t realize his own feelings till a bit later. With time he was able to properly discuss that with you. I’ve had a similar situation where I felt like your past boyfriend.

I have a love for people. I have also really loved certain guys in affectionate ways, but never felt like in loveeee with them say dreaming crushing, wanting to be with them 24/7 obsessed or whatever and however I imagine it to be.

It just felt like we got along. We could carry things on, but it felt like we weren’t on the same page mentally or spiritually. He got along as him and I got along as me, but we weren’t like soul mates.

I can honestly say I only felt that once or twice, but I’d be lying if twice. It’s a rare thing. The other times I liked guys it was out of need and childish love. We had nothing in common and all this stuff.

None of that has to be bad, but it ideally wasn’t for me. It never progressed either.

Maybe he was waiting for things to like take off, and it didn’t but by then he got along well with you and you both knew each other’s habits, and you weren’t a back stabbed or something. He stayed. He didn’t want to hurt you, but then he realized he wanted something more that would only resonate with his own life soul or so.

Just because you aren’t his kind of more, doesn’t mean you AREN’T more. YOU’RE THE WHOLE PACKAGE. To some guy you’ll be the whole package and *more.*

You just have a different address is all, a and you’re on somebody else’s send list. They’ll be your whole package. Just picture it- they’ll be like that guy- everything he had that was good, that you liked… but better.

Now you realize the importance of communication. Rejection isn’t our enemy or problem- wasted time is.

So now we’re not afraid to get hurt and do whatever we can to get what we want.

You’ll get through this sis, and you’re very fortunate to learn this lesson that not many learn.

[Adaeva]

In his mind you are not wife material. However, you were available, convenient, and pretty enough to satisfy his sexual desires. Now that you are older and less desirable, he knows he can do better. He did what people do, he did what was best for him. What's best for you is secondary or possibly not important.

You knew or should have always known that he was a reach because he is bit out of your league. You can tell when guy as into or more into you as you are into them. Therefore, don't overreach and make that mistake again.

[MrOracle]

This is why most women need to have a close male relative - a brother, cousin, uncle, father, or a mentor, vet any guy she is serious about. Just as most women can see through the lies of another woman, most men can see through another man and sniff out their bullshit.

When you have feelings for a guy - even just early infatuation - you lose your ability to see the truth, because all you WANT to hear is good news, and so you ignore the red flags that eventually destroy you. What did 5 years of your 20s cost? Knowing what you know now, would you have rather humbled yourself and asked a trustworthy man to vet him, and would you actually listen to their warnings? If you can't answer Yes to those questions, then you are very likely to repeat this mistake, and in the blink of an eye, you are in your 30s and alone and the pool of men you have available to you is maybe 20% of the ones you have available to you today - and it won't be the top 20%.

It's not entirely your fault that you aren't able to vet guys as well as you think, but knowing that, find and use other resources so that you can have the best chance of avoiding that mistake in the future.

[Adaeva]

You are absolutely right. Guys know but girls don't want to hear it because they want who they want. If the guys tell them, they won’t listen and likely would get upset. That situation happened with a cousin of mine. Her uncle visited her family when there was a medical student she was dating and a dental student.
Although because of the situation, the dental student was almost trying not to, the uncle could tell right off that he liked her and that the medical student, while impressive, was not a good choice. He wanted to tell his niece, "Choose the dental student," but how could he? She wouldn't have listened. The dental student changed majors, became a doctor, and is the nicest person you can imagine. She married the medical student, now a successful doctor, but he divorced her to marry a nurse he was having an affair with. His niece was devastated and told her husband she would do anything but, like a sociopath, he is not the kind of person that care about others or who he hurts.

[Adaeva]

Hopefully, she will have learned. However, you are right, as likely as not, she will repeat her mistake, until she is thirty, has lost her bloom and most guys she is rejecting and has rejected, will no longer want her because they are looking for someone like the girl she is now; not some 30 year old hide.

[Guy13]

Sorry to hear that... all that time and investment !! It sounds like he seeks security and safety. Once he misses that and you, I expect he will be coming back. I am almost positive that he is going to discover that grass is not greener over there.

[Asker]

No, he has told me that he is in a relationship with someone new and that he must let go of our friendship and this in order to move on. I don't think he was truly happy with me.

[Guy13]

Okay then. Only time reveals these things. Get out there and see what could be there for you?

[Asker]

Yes I need to move on. I was holding on to something toxic and someone who doesn't want me. I feel I have even behaved desperate at times. At one point I was still doing things with his parents after the breakup. I need to move on.

[Guy13]

Do something fun this weekend if it kills you. I am looking at a local outdoor skating rink adventure... Something fun or relaxing like pedicure... !!

[Summeroflove]

I don’t know I guess because he loved you and was happy enough to stay. Just not in love

[HippieVeganJewslim]

Live with is fine; it’s ideal to share a dwelling. You can live with a flatmate/housemate. At first, possibly he could be a sociopath/psychopath, but how he cried and had hard things in the past, I ain’t sure. Men are men, but there’re so many types. Maybe he’s bipolar/schizo?

[LazerBean]

Because typically men who do that are able to find women who will give them all the benefits of a wife while the man is waiting around for when he is ready to find the woman he actually wants to marry. Basically a placeholder.

[Jhunitor]

He had affection for you, borderline love and thought that forcing himself to act as if he loved you, it would lead to love.

[OddBeMe]

I would say he’s suddenly emotionally depressed. Has anything else occurred recently?

[slatyb]

Fear of being alone..

[Nikki1989]

The sex and the fear of being alone.

[Anonymous]

He was only after sex and convenience

[AsaKyo]

Free sex

[Anonymous]

Sex on tap.

[In_Trance]

convenience