Can you be a work in progress and still be in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Can I be a work in progress and still be in a relationship? I’m working on my mental and physical health after a very trying last two years. I got into a bad car accident, lost my grandmother, experienced stressful traumatic family Drama and was left to dealt with the outcome of panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I have been with my partner for 5 years now but I feel like I am trying to heal from some heavy shit. Is it fair to be in a relationship with someone when you are trying to heal and build yourself back up. I feel I cannot give him the best version of me at the moment.

[UmbrusNightshade]

My advice is to work through some of your issues first. To answer your question: I find it’s situational to whether it’s right or not to a WIP and be in a relationship.


For myself, I grew up with severe depression, social anxiety and agoraphobia. Less than ideal family life and bullying at school (due to being overweight AND “nerdy”) multiplied the negative thought cycles and I had very low self-esteem. Suffice it to say, I had a real hard time socializing and was awkward and “weird” because I never learned the “normal” way to handle social situations due to my issues. I’m almost 40 and it’s taken about 15 years but I am finally to a point where I feel I am in a good enough position to date. I’m still far from done in trying to better myself, but I feel I’m stable enough now that I can move forward.


For you, I think you need time to address your issues. What clues me in to this is that you state you don’t think you give the right amount of attention to a partner.


I have never been able to do what I’m gonna suggest, but only because I couldn’t afford to do so: if possible I recommend psychotherapy (AKA talk therapy). I firmly believe that this kind of therapy can help people overcome issues, especially depression and anxiety (both of which make other issues even more pronounced). I’m positive it wouldn’t have taken me almost half of my life so far to get to a place where dating seems viable if I had been able to go to therapy. This is why I recommend you look into it. It could help you get to a place where dating and relationships are good options for you.

[Datboi65]

Unless your partner is EXTREMELY patient, I don't believe it's possible. I think everyone's journey is unique to them and dragging someone else into their struggle doesn't seem fair to the other person.

You should ask him that question and also observe how he acts when you go through a panic attack or a flashback of PTSD. Is he there? Is he supportive? If the answer is yes and you are also taking therapy, then you have nothing to worry about. If he says yes but he isn't there or he isn't sure of what to do/you are having fights about the topic, then he isn't ready to deal with your struggles, and that's also fine. Not all people know how to handle such situations. The one thing I would say is you need to continue to heal with or without him, but it's definitely a plus if he is supportive. However like I said, you definitely need to be honest with yourself on whether or not he is despite you wanting to believe that because actions speak louder than words.

[Helllo123]

Yes, its possible because that someone will become your rock and you should feel comfortable telling them how you feel and to express yourself truly to them. A healthy relationship come from both sides even if he doesn’t understand what you're going through, I’m sure he loves you and won’t mind you telling him you need to heal but you would like to seek steps to recover like therapy and he can even offer to join you or let you be but you’ll always have support from him. I feel like if you were dealing with all of that alone you would alienate everyone around you.

[Anonymous]

What you need to is be real with yourself and ask what needs to be the main priority in your life right now — your partner or your mental health. I know that the healing journey is a very long road ahead and it shouldn’t stop people from dating because they may never be 100% okay. But the goal is to be able to navigate a relationship when genuine happiness and being present isn’t an internal battle. Leaving him after 5 years will be hard, but if it’s what’s best right now, he will have to just respect it.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. You should ALWAYS be a work in progress. You should always be trying to improve yourself and become a better person. Anything else means you have stopped growing and you are doomed to fall short of your potential.

2. Relationships are about giving and receiving, and the balance will not always be 50/50. Talk to your partner about how you feel. If he truly loves you, then he WANTS to be there for you!

[Guy13]

Typically, a new relationship gives one an endorphin high. This makes everything good and is one of the worst thing that can happen to another person who is trying to clean-up their life. You will feel like you are improved and better but actually, you are masking your actual state.

I would not involve another into my past traumas until I had a handle on those traumas. At that point, those traumas become signs of strength.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I dunno, can you?

If you can't, then you can't be in a relationship while doing well either, because you'll just leave if bad things happen (bad things will always happen).

Being able to comfort a partner who is going through a rough time is literally a requirement to even be relationship material. The fact that you even consider otherwise, is your actual problem, not your trauma. Because seeing it as "unfair", suggests you also aren't willing to be there for an SO in times of need.

[VanillaSalt]

It depends on your partner and their patience. But you shouldn’t look for a partner if your still working on something important like drinking, anger, bitterness, etc. we’re always growing and changing so if we wait until we’re not our species dies out.

[melanieeeB]

Sure you can! I hope you all the best with your process if healing🙏🏼
But yes you can, I think after a few dates and if you know this could be something serious and feel comfortable I would just recommend to be honest and let him know where you stand and I'm sure the right respectful man will be okay with it and even help you to some extent.
I also think two other important things is, that you don't make it a us "problem" and to not be with someone who is dragging you down

[FilmGuy93]

Of course? Where the hell did this idea that you can't be a work in progress and also be in a relationship come from? I'm curious about what so many people think self work entails that they don't think you can date and also develop as a person.

[magiusX26]

have not read the body of this question. i am replying to the initial question.

if you could not be a work in progress and in a relationship then no one in all of history would ever have been in a relationship because everyone is always a work on progress.

[Sparkie460]

Everyone is a work in progress, or at least they should be. Nobody is perfect. We can all use some improvements. Some of us need more improvements than others but that's fine. If your s. o. can , and is willing to help you work things out he's a keeper.

[LittleSally]

It depends on how much of a work in progress you are.

That being said, we are ALL, ALWAYS, works in progress. Those who disagree have not even started the work on themselves.

[DizzyDesii]

Yes but it gets tiring trying to always be “on” and improve enough to keep them on their toes. I rather fix myself then go get em if he's still available and interested

[MrNameless]

Absolutely! If you at least are emotionally available and invested to still be in a relationship, then you can maintain it.

[Kyyroz]

Then wait until you're the best version of yourself.

[LegendaryDater]

I believe you can and most times it's beneficial.

[Shamalien]

We’re all works in progress. Just don’t push him away when you’re dealing with shit, work with em

[straightmax12]

If your partner is willing to work with you, you should continue your relationship with that partner.

[Anonymous]

As long as he supports you and loves you and cares about you that's all that should matter

[Luopio27]

Do what feels rightfor you.

[In_Trance]

Everyone is a work in progress

[KrakenAttackin]

We are all a work in progress.

[noohair]

Everyone is a work in progress.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Yup.