Break up advice?

[Anonymous]

Hey guys so, I just broke up with my 5 year girlfriend. We had a toxic dinamic were she had al the privildege and I all the obligations. She is very beautiful, did modeling and I guess know her beauty made her accostumed to getting her way. Last year I started a process of leveling up the dinamic with a psycologist. As I got stronger, conflict increased. I started saying no to selfish demands and eventually moved to Boston for my master´s degree. This is where I got stronger, because been away made it so clear how toxic the relationship was. Eventually we broke up, got back together but I set certain boundries. She broke them recently again, amongst others trust and respect. She threatened me with cheating "because she can since she is so beautiful", and so I said that was it. I said, you know what, I believe you, I believe that you would cheat on me and that you do not respect me and so I am done. She later texted me that I was cheating and that is why I am leaving.. bla bla. I stated clearly my reasons and then she got furuious, I could hear her voice, it actually scared me the level of anger and threats. I hate to think she will be with other men, that though breaks me. Also she saids she hated me, said I was cold and selfish, that I just cared about myself, and blocked me. I am certain I will not go back to her, the decision is final, but that does not mean that what she said did not hurt and is still going around in my mind. I don't want her to suffer, if she is suffering, I hate the idea of her been with someone else, It hurts to feel like she hates me, all of this is a mix of pain, fear, sadness but with reluctance to go back to the same dinamic. Any words? similar experiences? advice? Thanks

[WaterIsland]

So sorry you’re going through this. That is really a tough position.


At the end of the day. You HAVE to do what is best for yourself. It does sound like a toxic relationship. But it sounds like you learned a lot from it. Setting boundaries and enforcing them is extremely healthy in any relationship or friendship. In fact most people respond well to boundaries. It sets expectations. Imagine if someone set no boundaries with you. Most people would find that off putting. So setting boundaries and enforcing them is great. Good for you for doing that.


Here is the thing tho. This isn’t the first time she’s acted this way. At some point you have to move on and do what’s best for yourself. She might not be the right one for you, despite how much you care about her. And that’s something you’re just gonna have to accept. I know that’s painful and hard to hear, but it’s the honest truth.


There’re a lot of other girls out there. Even those who put personality before beauty.


In the meantime. Focus on yourself. Focus on your hobbies. Spend time with friends. And do your best to move forward. That is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

[Asker]

Thanks for taking the time to provide some advice to a stranger. The fact that we are so far away helps (me in Boston, her back home), I've been hitting the gym hard and I'm in the best shape I've ever been. I don't spend the entire day mopping about it, but there are certain unexpected instants were her absence hits me. It is hard because I start thinking "maybe if I gave her more love" she would behave differently, but then I understand that reality is that she is who she is through no fault of mine. Regardless, it is emotionally painful when the "nostalgia wave" hits. I've had opportunities with other girls who are noticing me more because I'm improving my shape, haircut, dressing, going out more, but at the end of every interation or mid interaction, the thought of her been pursued and hanging out with other men hits me and becomes unberable. I mean if I get some attention and interaction, I can't imagine her. It breaks me although I know it is unavoidable and uncontrolable, and the reason to be with her cannot be because I dont want her to be with someone else, even if I am misserable. Im standing my ground, but there is an emotional toll that I wish just went away.

[WaterIsland]

I completely understand. And I’ve been there. It takes a long time for me to get over heartbreak. You are 100% right that you can’t think about your actions. It’s on her. Not you. Period. End of sentence.

Breakups are painful. And nothing anyone says takes away from that. The thing you have to remember is this breakup was inevitable. You weren’t compatible with her. You had expectations and boundaries and she broke them multiple times. Your boundaries and expectations were completely fair. It’s not a lack of love. It really isn’t. It’s being true to yourself and what you want.

I have the benefit of reading your story from an outsider perspective who isn’t emotionally invested in it. Not to say I don’t understand what you’re going through. But this situation sounds like it was inevitable. It’s just good it happened now as opposed to later.

Finally. She’ll be with other guys. You have to put it out of your mind. You seem like a good guy. And you’ll find someone who is great for you. And at that point, you’ll forget all about her. It just takes time to find that person. But from an outsider’s perspective, stay true to yourself and what you want. Doing that, will cause you long term happiness, instead of short term happiness.

One final thing. Focus on personality. Personality lasts. Looks don’t. When you’re both old, the personality is all that’s left. Proud of you for hitting the gym and stuff. Not saying that is bad. Just remember that being a good person is important too.

I know it’s not easy. But hang in there. And most importantly, stay true to yourself and what you want long term, by setting and sticking to those boundaries.

[Asker]

Once again, thanks for taking the time. It helps to have people pull you into reality when one goes into the emotional sphere and starts "feeling" instead of thinking. Not to say that feeling is wrong, but I can't see the events thorugh an emotional lense anymore. I for sure can't go against my boundries and principles anymore and if the price is to let her go, then, that's what Ill be paying.

[Guy13]

Man, what a bummer. I hope you get through this and it all goes as you wish.