Hey guys so, I just broke up with my 5 year girlfriend. We had a toxic dinamic were she had al the privildege and I all the obligations. She is very beautiful, did modeling and I guess know her beauty made her accostumed to getting her way. Last year I started a process of leveling up the dinamic with a psycologist. As I got stronger, conflict increased. I started saying no to selfish demands and eventually moved to Boston for my master´s degree. This is where I got stronger, because been away made it so clear how toxic the relationship was. Eventually we broke up, got back together but I set certain boundries. She broke them recently again, amongst others trust and respect. She threatened me with cheating "because she can since she is so beautiful", and so I said that was it. I said, you know what, I believe you, I believe that you would cheat on me and that you do not respect me and so I am done. She later texted me that I was cheating and that is why I am leaving.. bla bla. I stated clearly my reasons and then she got furuious, I could hear her voice, it actually scared me the level of anger and threats. I hate to think she will be with other men, that hough breaks me. Also she saids she hated me and blocked me. I am certain I will not go back to her, the decision is final, but that does not mean that what she said did not hurt and is still going around in my mind. I don't want her to suffer, if she is suffering, I hate the idea of her been with someone else, It hurts to feel like she hates me, all of this is a mix of pain, fear, sadness but with reluctance to go back to the same dinamic. Any words? similar experiences? advice? Thanks
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I know how you’re feeling, you’ve been with this person for the last 5 years so you know everything about them. Going through all the talking stages with someone new just feels like a complete waste of time.
If you’re ex is a beautiful as you say she is, then life for her has been pretty easy so far and other guys would end up simping for her so she’s not used to not getting her own way and not being in control. This most likely is now the problem, because it sounds like you weren’t being true to yourself quite some time and put your feelings/views aside.
What I always advise people is to look at the whole situation/ relationship from a third person’s pov and replace themselves with family or friends and try give them advice on what you think they should do because sometimes what you need to do is very obvious but you just need to step back and look at it from a different angle.
Her saying all those things and blocking you is just a way to hurt you back because she’s clearly hurt by this break up.
The anxiety after a breakup is awful but trust me it will pass with time. I got dumped by a gorgeous girl after 4 years together and lost a lot of weight from the anxiety, eventually I just accepted the fact that this is out of my control and life goes on. There’s some low days and days where I wish I did some things differently but end of the day I made these decisions and I don’t regret them. Looks will fade with time and if looks is all they have then are you dating them for the right reasons or is it for status/how others see you.
If you know you tried everything to fix it then don’t waste time but make sure you have no regrets. A relationship requires two people wanting to fix things before it can be fixed. Everyone has to carry their own weight, you’re meant to be a team
These things happen, bro. You gotta swallow it down. She is not the same person you once fell in love with and each day she drifts further from that. There is no easy path forward, just steel yourself for the moments of weakness, sometimes it seems that the devil you know is better than the devil you dont; but you don't need her lifestyle, her mindset, anything she has to offer in your life. You can and will survive this.
Thanks for taking the time to provide some advice to a stranger. The fact that we are so far away helps (me in Boston, her back home), I've been hitting the gym hard and I'm in the best shape I've ever been. I don't spend the entire day mopping about it, but there are certain unexpected instants were her absence hits me. It is hard because I start thinking "maybe if I gave her more love" she would behave differently, but then I understand that reality is that she is who she is through no fault of mine. Regardless, it is emotionally painful when the "nostalgia wave" hits. I've had opportunities with other girls who are noticing me more because I'm improving my shape, haircut, dressing, going out more, but at the end of every interation or mid interaction, the thought of her been pursued and hanging out with other men hits me and becomes unberable. I mean if I get some attention and interaction, I can't imagine her. It breaks me although I know it is unavoidable and uncontrolable, and the reason to be with her cannot be because I dont want her to be with someone else, even if I am misserable. Im standing my ground, but there is an emotional toll that I wish just went away.
I know exactly how you feel, man.
I got married very young, and while I know I was happy, she was a cancer to me. If you think about it, that's what she began to be with you; she consumed all that you gave, and it would never have been enough. You can't beat cancer by feeding it. You have to starve it, remove it, nuke it from orbit but you cannot coexist with it. You've done all the right moves so far, moving away and cutting off contact and distancing yourself emotionally and mentally. Keep doing that. You've taken up self serving hobbies, like going to the gym, and that's good too. Live for yourself at this moment. Make new memories, cross new boundaries. Your mind is a mess, perhaps, rightfully so. But this is the time to gather those thoughts and memories of her and put them in a box, then put that box away. Maybe in time you can take it down and go through it, when you're healed up, and the will maybe always be bittersweet. But right now, she's someone else's problem. Yeah, it may hurt you thinking she's with someone else, but she's not dealing with this. She's not facing her own decisions, she's likely blamed you for everything and feels like she can do better; she's not learning anything from this experience. So she will meet guy after guy, it may work but it likely won't, and because she never started the healing process, she's going to be in emotional limbo until it happens. If anything, feel pity for her. She's a child in a woman's body, thrusting herself onto this world, blissfully unaware of how bad it can and likely will be for her. She had a good thing, in you, but when is cancer ever content? Just keep your forward momentum going. The thoughts of her will become less and less frequent. You just have to survive. I know you'll be fine in 3 years. You'll be alright in one year. You will be hanging on in 6 months. But right now, you just have to make it the next 5 minutes. That's what matters.
Once again, thanks for taking the time. It helps to have people pull you into reality when one goes into the emotional sphere and starts "feeling" instead of thinking. Not to say that feeling is wrong, but I can't see the events thorugh an emotional lense anymore. I for sure can't go against my boundries and principles anymore and if the price is to let her go, then, that's what Ill be paying.
My inbox is always open, bud. At the end of the day, without pride and honor, what is a man? I'm here if you need me.
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