Why do I sometimes feel jealous when I see people who have children and happy families?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

As you know I had a fiancé and we had plans to have our first child at 27. I was always career woman and never dreamed of getting married, but when I fell in love I started getting new dreams and I wanted to have my first child at maximum 27 or 28.

I feel frustrated and disappointed now that he made me lose 4 years of my life and in the end parted with me.

Sometimes when I see young couples and their little families I feel sad because I feel like I must have had it as well. And he took this away from me, if he wanted to break up he could do that earlier, without making me lose so much time.

How to get rid of this jealousy? It might not be the right word, what I am trying to describe is the sadness I feel because my dreams failed.

I am usually happy for them but sometimes I feel sad as well, like today I was thinking that I feel sad my relationship didn’t develop the same way.

[Diddums2000]

Hello, I don’t actually own this app or have an account, I stumbled on this and felt really compelled to reply.

Firstly, I want to say I love you and you are loved, by people, your family, God and hopefully also by yourself. Secondly, I’m guilty of this train of thinking as well - but I realised that it doesn’t actually help me, instead it would best serve me (and let’s say you too) to allow happiness to radiate through me by always seeing the beauty in life. It makes existence really hard to always look at your life as lacking somehow. Imagine how stressful it would be to stroll through a forest of wild flowers and be sad that you aren’t a flower? You may not realise but that’s exactly what you do by channeling sadness to yourself when you see other people’s joy. You have to practise gratefulness. Gratefulness for seeing beautiful children, gratefulness that God allows you to be so full of love, and grateful that it’s going to come to you too, one day.

I also always worry about this when dating (worry about having my time be wasted because I fell in love and it didn’t end in marriage - I am a Christian for context and honestly even though I study medicine, having a family one day is one of the most important things to me). The truth is, we as women, as hard as it may be, have to be more intentional when dating, and i really think trusting in God is key on this part. Trusting that we can’t even predict what happens tomorrow so why worry about 10 years from now? We have to make the right choices in general (like men who align with us, are marriage minded and intentional) and let God do the rest. Don’t date a guy who is definitley of the idea that kids are ok without being married, you may end up a single parent. Don’t date a guy who doesn’t seem interested in what interests you, because he may never have a different viewpoint later on and then you’ll sadly have wasted your time and may even risk becoming depressed as a result. I hope you feel better after reading this, I wish you a lovely day and try to remember the number of people who fall in love, get married and have kids in their 30s. We all had life plans, however none of those plans tend to happen how we expect them to, it’s one of the mystery’s of life. How many plans did you have, that didn’t go as expected, but the end result turned out 10 times better? Try to look at your life this way,

God bless you and lot’s of love.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you. Your words definitely made me feel much better.

Thanks and wish you all the wonderful things in life!

You have a great approach to life and I hope you will always keep this positive mindset.

All the best to you.

I do appreciate your words a lot and your opinion indeed lit up my day.

[DizzyDesii]

Can totally relate. I wanted a FIRST kid anywhere between the ages of 18-24. Gave the best years to a mf who changed his mind last minute and decided he didn't want kids anymore among other things. Dated others but no one came close to how far i got with the last. And these dudes wanted baby mamas before a wife. doesn't work like that with me. I wanted to be on kid 3 by 27/28. I haven't even had 1 yet. Gonna really have to do this donor thing i guess.

[DizzyDesii]

In to the point where i dont even like being around other ppls kids so that helps me to bypass the jealousy. But there's still baby fever to create my own. At least one because i wasn't tryna have kids in my 30s tbh

[caring__1]

We're often conditioned to follow a particular path, and we rarely question our conditioning. You were taught the value of a career, so that's where you put the majority of your energy. In time, you discovered there are many dimensions to life and realized you didn't prioritize things that are now important to you. It's unfortunate parents tend to push limited options on us, so we don't really understand what will work for us long-term.

Jealousy is about feeling inadequate and insecure. Focusing on others won't address our insecurities. You may feel you're running out of time, leading you to rush things rather than take the time to truly know people. It's easy to get to know people when we're young, as we have plenty of time on our hands (yet have no idea what to look for). As we get older, our life becomes more complicated, so we don't have unlimited time. We have a clearer picture of what works or doesn't for us, but we don't have as much time to do an adequate search, so, often, end up putting the cart before the horse.

We can't go back in time and change the past, so just focus on what is within your control. Understand the actions of others are not a statement about you. Your actions determine who you are. If you want a partner and a family, identify the qualities important to you in a relationship. Also, identify any red flag deal breakers. Learn where people who fit your desires can be found. You may say you appreciate caring people, so you may find more of them by doing volunteer work. Don't buy into the belief a bar is a good place to meet many people and then complain you only end up with alcoholics. Learn from the fable about the hare and the tortoise. Slow and steady wins the race.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/gfbSIdwL0FE

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you…

My ex fiance was a husband material, I believe he just made a mistake he will regret someday.

Thank you so much for this amazing advice.

[caring__1]

You're welcome.

Your ex-fiance may be husband material, but that doesn't mean he was ready for marriage. Sometimes, we just connect at less than ideal times. A long time ago, I had a girlfriend who was significantly more advanced in her life than I was. She knew where she was going, while I was still floundering. I didn't want to hold her back, and I didn't want to join her identity without ever finding my own. I don't regret passing on the opportunity, as it wouldn't have worked... no matter how impressed I was with her. I appreciate having known her, as that experience helped me discover myself.

Sometimes we give value or meaning to something by saying they will eventually recognize they made a mistake and regret it. We believe that will help us move forward, but it can just as easily hold us back... leading us to constantly follow the ex to see when that regret will actually take place. Learn from your experience, but keep your focus ahead, not behind. I can't say everyone ends up fulfilling their dreams, but I hope it happens for you. It wasn't meant to be for me, but you have a long life ahead of you, so I hope you connect with someone special.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you so much… Reading your words really show the wisdom of life and thanks for sharing that with me.

I will consider and remember your words.

[loveslongnails]

In part, you answered your own question. You're envious more so than jealous, and you're frustrated and angry at him and at yourself. At him because you believe he led you along, and at yourself for not recognizing it and ending the relationship. He must have said things that gave you hope about being a family, and you believed it and waited.

You're angry, disappointed, hurt, upset, whatever you want to call it. So see others where you thought you should be by now, and it stirs the whole pot of emotions and resentment. ALL of what you're doing -- does nothing but harm to you! You need to forgive yourself, forget about him and what you didn't get, and go forward and find what you want.

Your situation has forced you to adjust your plans to your current reality, so do that. Accept it, because there's NOTHING you can do to get back that time. But also realize you're not too old to stick with your plan and your goals. Grieve over your situation, make peace with it, and be done with your sadness and GO FORWARD. There's no place else to go.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He was my fiance… Of course I believed we’d get married…

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Thank you, it’s a really helpful answer…

[loveslongnails]

Nice of you to say, but really, what choice do you have but to move forward and attain your goals? Envy just sets you back --- go forward.

[Finchie40]

Because our lives usually don’t go as planned and we tend to think to ourselves where did it go wrong? what did we do to get here? Why isn’t my life like other’s etc etc. The truth is we can’t
Live our lives happy if we compare our lives to others , Social media played a big part on making people not as content anymore , Most people compare their lives to others making them feel sad and depressed when really it doesn’t mean anything , We all come from different paths in life so to compare yourself
To someone else really doesn’t mean shit , be thankful for what you have right in front of you , cherish what you achieved and what you have don’t worry about what other’s have , If you want babies and a marriage , put yourself out on the market again and find someone that wants the same as you , don’t worry about what everyone else has , I am sure there are plenty of guys looking for a girl that wants to settle down and make babies, So only you can make that happen , don’t worry about what everyone else is doing 😋

[mobiusforniner]

We are not as happy as we may appear. My wife and i have two little kids. A lot of realtives are jealous of our happy family. I have a good career, we make things work... but in all honesty, to tell you im always beaming happy would be a fortuitous lie. Life is not always happy. We still yell, have conflicts, arguments, things fall apart and we scramble to fix them.

We do the best we can. You do too. Once we all accept we are all just trying to be better, it becomes easier to accept the whims of life and this is what happiness really is.

[mark000h]

I know you must be disappointed, but if you continue obsessing about the time you've lost, you're only losing more time and everything you want is still doable. You can have a husband and a family. Kids at 30, 32, 34. That's 3 kids. You're still young, but don't be hung up on what you've lost, or you'll keep wasting time and maybe your chance.

[AMS700CX4u2]

Basic reaction to betrayal. This is why it is important to have the 'kids' conversation early. I know many are scared to talk about it because it is not part of current sexual culture. You are afraid to scare him away. It is part of traditional culture.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He wanted kids and he was my fiance.

[AMS700CX4u2]

La Femme, I have no answers.

[Berethor]

Having maternal instinct is good, many women lack it nowadays, yea he wasted your time.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2022/06/03/japan-low-births-population-decline-2021/

https://www.yourfertility.org.au/everyone/age

[Raaj4you]

Don't worry, you are not alone. Right now I am in a similar situation. No, I was not engaged. Suddenly, I have this strong urge to find a sweet girl, date, marry and make babies. Don't give up, you can still fulfill your wishes with another guy. Good luck !! But don't take too long to decide. Life is short!!

[love_conquers_lust]

Envy.

Life threw you shitty circumstances. You might not have made the best decisions, you won’t ever know.

You brush yourself off and get back in the saddle.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

That’s what I felt 8 months ago, 4 months after break up. I am not envious or jealous of anything and anyone anymore.

[love_conquers_lust]

It’s still okay to want, though.

[David4358]

you are jealous of a family because that is something you want. That won't change until you get a family of your own. Get back out there or there is always a sperm donor if all you want is a child.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

I can't pin point why you feel jealous as that is something you only know why.

You are still young and can have about 4 to 5 kids but you have to start to having kids at 30 if you desire about 4 to 5 kids.

[msc545]

It is interesting that you take absolutely NO responsibility for the breakup, which says a lot about why it probably happened, and also says a lot about you.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Do you want me to write a book about what I think I need to change? Because I’ve been thinking about this non-stop for the past 7 months.

There are a lot of things I would change. But that’s not the reason he broke up with me, he broke up with me because he gave up. All the other things were never deal breakers for him as we have been together for over 3 years and he knew me pretty well.

[msc545]

In other words, you really have no idea why he left you. I suspect he had just had enough of you.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I stopped dating him :P

I told him I feel like there is not the attraction between us that is necessary for us to keep going.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Oh I thought you meant that slim guy.

My ex fiance?

Yes, I guess I could do some things better to avoid break up, but I don’t think I am the only one to blame.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I know why he broke up with me, he explained everything well enough… That’s why I think he is wrong.

But you can’t force someone to stay when they don’t want anymore, so I understand him, while I feel hurt for his decision, I do understand him partially and find it hard to be angry at him for leaving.

I also believe what he said that he broke up with me mainly because LDR faded his feelings and he changed while we were physically apart. That’s a very understandable reason. But a painful one for me because I made sure I would stay in love with him regardless of how far I was.

[Anonymous]

How is thinking like this going to help you?

[NostalgiaSenpi]

It takes time to end the feelings.

[hahahahalolol]

because you never had that.