I feel second to his ex-girlfriend because of the long time they spent together. What do I do?

Question

I constantly feel overshadowed by his ex-girlfriend. It's as if she still holds a place in his heart, while I'm left grappling with insecurities and doubts. Every time her name comes up, my stomach churns with unease. I can't help but compare myself to her, wondering if I will ever be enough.

Actually it all started innocently enough. We met and fell in love. But as time passed, I realized that his past with her lingered like a ghost between us. The stories he shared, the memories they had created together. You know, they just haunted me, making me question my worth. So, what do I do? How do I overcome this constant feeling of inadequacy?

I feel second to his ex-girlfriend because of the long time they spent together. What do I do?

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

Well first off you need to kick him to the curb and find yourself someone that doesn’t hold onto their ex , That fact that he is holding onto his ex is disrespectful to your relationship period , you will never be happy stayin with someone that holds their ex in their heart , An ex is an ex for a reason , if your boyfriend can’t remove his ex from his heart then he doesn’t deserve you period. I will not tolerate a girl that holds on to her ex like he was this amazing person , I will kick her to the curb where she belongs , it shows their true character by being a disrespectful piece of shit. If their ex was so great then why aren’t they still with them? Your boyfriend is clearly not ready to be in a relationship he clearly only cares about himself , you will never be happy being with someone that doesn’t make you their priority , The only way love grows in a relationship is when both partners make each other their top priority , you are clearly not his top priority, you need to kick this pod to the curb and find yourself someone that prioritizes you not their ex period. I was in a relationship with a girl that held on to her ex , she is now my ex period I told her to go back to him because you clearly don’t value me you just like the convenience of me , I told her Get the Fuck out because I am going to meet someone that doesn’t hold onto their ex like they were this amazing person , I said do you know who is amazing to me? Your so called good friend that thinks you are a pos as well , by holding onto your ex , I ended up banging her good friend , If someone chooses to be disrespectful toward you they best be prepared to be disrespected as well. Do yourself a favor and kick this pos to the curb and find yourself someone that will truly value you

CaptainOverthink · Accepted Answer

Firstly..
It's very irresponsible and cruel of him to bring her up. It sounds like he hasn't had anyone to talk about her with, so no sensitive friends.
Those stories are pointless to bring up with you. It might be an honest mistake, but he should know better.

I'm afraid this all boils down to your mindset about it. You musn't see it like that, you should try making it about what those stories tells you about him. But you should also tell him to stop talking about her, it's very understandable that you feel this way eventhough it's not rational.

He has changed your perspective, now it must change again or it's doomed to bring you down.
Hard to backtrack his misstep there, so it's either:
- Fix your insecurity (so hard).
- Talk to him about it (may not fix it or it may change your perspective again).
- Leave him (restart with someone else).

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

6 months after my break up I dated 3 guys, one after another, all were nice in their own ways, at that time I was trying to get over my ex, not realizing- dating wouldn’t help, I realized I couldn’t stop thinking and talking about my ex even with them, so I ended that dating stage. No one deserves a partner who can’t stop talking about his/her ex.

Next time I fall in love my partner will not hear any stories about my ex, unless he asks me, and I would rather us have some more interesting topics than my ex. Past is past, I want someone with whom I will have no time to think about the past.

Paris13 · Accepted Answer

They Have His and Her History so May Be Just Still in Touch as Good Friends. But I Can Easily Relate. He may or May Not Still Have Feelings for Her and When it is a Relationship that was That Long, It May Take Time for Him to Get past it. I think Eventually when He gets to Know you Long Enough, That Ship will Hopefully have Sailed. Hang in There. YOU Have Him Now. xxoo

AviatorTom · Answer

Stop thinking about the past. Instead, think of your present and future relationship with him.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

Everybody has history, and there were other people present for that history. Do you expect him to never mention anything in his life before he met you like you were the Big Bang of his life? Doesn't that seem a little narcissistic?

"his past with her lingered like a ghost between us"... what's that mean in the real world? Not metaphorically. Actually. Her name is Judy and every time he hears the name Judy he tears up and says "ah those were the days" and stares into the distance? Or they have the same friends? He went to his favorite deli with her? What?

Maybe this is big. Maybe it's a nothing sandwich. Without specifics we can't know.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Job #1: Protect the feelings of the woman and relationship

Have to talk to him about how he is going to do this. how he is going to let go of the past and put it in place. If it's not resolved emotionally, it needs to be... that's the work. there's a reason she's the x and you are the current.

failure to do this, you know won't work. you can't do it yourself.

you may have your own issues to work on, thats separate.

AMS700CX4u2 · Answer

Why would he ever share stories about his past relationships unless you asked. These are psychological torpededos. In the rudest form they are only designed to manipulate. If he can't forget her, let him go back to her. Secondly, and on another level, you seem a little insecure. find some confidence in your soul and let it out. It has to show.

Hearts4u · Answer

I feel like he should have never been reminiscing about her at all. He shouldn’t even be talking about his ex toward you at all. Once we are together, any other relationship you had shouldn’t even be thought in your head. I don't know if he still talks about her, if so don’t waste your time. You’re not the one. Cause a man who loves you, all his attention is just on you. Don’t waste your time.

Anonymous · Answer

By leaving him. I don’t get why he would bring her up. I mean if she was so wonderful the way he explains her then why isn’t he w her yet? I only ever brought up my ex to tell my girl how much of a whack job she is. Other than that I don’t like talking about her. Why is she an ex? Why isn’t she still w him?

jshm2 · Answer

Well, she's his ex for a reason.  Also, unless you have proof he's seeing her, then you're just being a fucking drama queen in poisoning the relationship and comparing yourself to a ghost.

sawno · Answer

Talk to him about this, its something to overcome together as a couple. He needs to know the impact its having, you need to know where you stand.

Pink0123 · Answer

It's an unfortunate situation, I personally would not continue in the relationship because you might always feel the way you do. And it's not fair to you. There's a show called you, me and my ex on TLC you should watch it. It might help watching from someone else's perspective.

WanderingLoveWizard · Answer

We all have a girl who will always be #1, and you ain't his

SnowedIn · Answer

You're making a choice.  You get to choose how you feel.

geminisgirl · Answer

You can't change he is more attracted to her. You either accept it or not. I am extremely pretty and smart, so all my exes tell me she would dump their current girlfriends if I would like them back, because I was so perfect

Jltakk · Answer

I mean this late in the game, most people have history and baggage

mommymommymommy · Answer

This is why you can't be "just friends" with the opposite sex

Twalli · Answer

Your relationship with him can be longer than the one with his ex. She's his history, you are his present and possibly future.

Birdylove · Answer

What I want to know is why you even have this idiot in the first place- kick him to the curb. I was there- he will NEVER love you. Trust me

Anonymous · Answer

This is the reason I never choose to be a second girlfriend to a guy

Anonymous · Answer

Does he mention her a lot in conversations? If so, he needs to know how much this bothers you.

Anonymous · Answer

If that's what you truly feel that shit ain't good, dump and move on.

Blueeyes81 · Answer

Focus on making your own history with him.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

This is why I only date virgins.

Anonymous · Answer

Be hotter than her and better in bed.

improve · Answer

Just trust your gut feeling

Anonymous · Answer

well if you break up you solve that problem

Anonymous · Answer

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