Dating with a chronic health condition. Why do I find it so hard?

Question

I have a chronic health condition and at the minute my depression and anxiety due to it is really affected. I’m starting new medication soon to hopefully help with my condition and my mood. My boyfriend who I was friends with for 10 years before dating knew all about my health condition. However his making me feel really upset. His birthday is coming up this week and I suggested he do something with his family and then I’ll come by to his family meal in the evening and we do our own thing another day just us two. He then said it’s embarrassing that I won’t be there during the day ( they are walking around a village ) which 1 isn’t my thing 2 I get pretty exhausted quickly and my legs can hurt 3 Im suffering from panic attacks recently and I feel embarrassed in front his family. And it is making me feel really bad. I cried to my mum about I am finding stuff so difficult at the minute and thought he’d understand. My mum said not to call him back and wait for him to reach out to me ( he seemed really annoyed on the phone to me and had to go ) and my mum said he needs to understand if he doesn’t well then that’s up to him what he wants to do. I said to my mum I am not what you call a ‘ normal ‘ girlfriend and I have to look out for my health at the minute. What should I do?

mikan_galena · Accepted Answer

I also have chronic health conditions. When I met my partner I was the healthiest I’ve ever been. But over the years they’ve had to see me deteriorate and we’ve had to adapt, not individually and together.
I now walk with a cane and have severe arthritis in almost all my joints, so I completely understand you. That said, my partner knows how much I struggle everyday to do thing that they can do easily.
Does that make me weak? Well kinda. Physically, yes. My little arthritic joints are weak. But mentally? Absolutely not. I have the will power to rearrange my entire bedroom on my own. Will it take me all day? Yes. But I will still do it on my own terms.
When you body fails to function every single day, you health has to be your priority. Us getting tired is not the same as our partners getting tired. My partner and I both recognize this. Would it be easier if I could do everything normally? Of course. But that’s not the body I live in. So we adapt. We will still go on walks together, but we going at a snails pace and take a route that has benches every 50 metres.
You know your own limits and communicated them clearly to your boyfriend. You even offered a solution that is possible for you! That’s amazing.
If he doesn’t respect your boundaries (physical, mental, social), then he doesn’t respect you.
Also it was cruel of him to call you embarrassing. Your health isn’t something you can control. If he thinks you not walking around town with his family is embarrassing, wait until he forces you to go and you collapse on the sidewalk. It’ll be way more embarrassing for him, and not for you. After all, you did tell him that you couldn’t handle it!
Okay, but please don’t go and don’t let him guilt you.
If he tries to force you / guilt you, then it’s time to go. If someone is willing to put their loved ones into situations where they are unsafe or feel unsafe, then they’re an asshole and deserve wet socks 24/7. If they do so, knowing that you have a chronic health condition, and ignore you when you tell them that you cannot/would rather not, then they deserve wet socks and to loose their right shoe on every pair they have. (They also deserve to be broken up with.)
And you address your last point. Being chronically ill does not diminish your value, no matter what anyone says. I may not be able to run around, but I can do a shit ton of other things. You are not “some sick lady”. You are a person whose body is failing and is adapting to a work that isn’t built for you. That takes strength and resilience. We are tardigrades 😋.

Jadenrae · Accepted Answer

I have a couple health issues the main one being severe Crohn’s disease unmanaged by any medications and anxiety and ptsd. Crowds give me really bad anxiety and panic attacks I’m a little socially awkward and super quiet but obviously always worried about when crohns with randomly show up and feel like it’s murdering me from the inside out. My husband doesn’t understand it at all. He thinks hey there is a bathroom and you know a couple people you should be fine and then branch out and meet new people talk to people when it gives me major anxiety. As a teacher for 8 years I could teach my kids in class just fine but with other adults or highschool and up I really struggled with that age group of being able to speak to them and of course my husband is VERY outgoing yelling out to everyone in the room does not care one bit about what people think or who is staring and loves to go out. So it puts a little strain on us that he doesn’t understand I am not that person

Kris31 · Accepted Answer

relationship and I have a autoimmune disease of the thyroid. ( Well basically switching between hyperdrive close to a heart attack and low drive basically I can't even get out of bed, heavy sweating which is very uncomfortable in public and my all time favourite you aren't in control of your mood. Your thyroid decides if you are happy and motivated or depressed and even suicidal.)

Basically your boyfriend is overreacting although I can understand the nature of his reaction. He wants you to spend the time with his family because you are precious to him. Even though you don't like or can't do the trip.
It's hard to do something if he isn't willing to help you out on that one talking to his parents that due to your condition you would be willing to do something else that isn't physically exhausting.

Generally speaking, don't get yourself down because you got something a lot of issues that you feel like they are issues aren't issues but you feel like they are and that is something you need to learn to cope with. I sweat a lot and it's fucking annoying me and Im trying to cope with the thought that actually nobody cares only me.

Hope you can get through all the bs. Life is what it is we make the best of it ;)

Jltakk · Accepted Answer

On one hand, I get that you have these issues, but on the other hand, your boyfriend kinda has a point. He'll be plastered with constant questions from his folks about why you aren't there, it's not good to be put on the spot like that especially on your birthday of all days. Are you seeing a therapist for these issues?

Smashingdoozy · Answer

That really sucks that he isn't understanding of your issues. I would reach out to him and explain why you don't feel comfortable spending the day with him and his family right now. But reiterate how you want to do something special for him another day, something you can both manage. And of course have dinner with him and his family.

Christoff92 · Answer

Because you allow people to get to you. We're in the social media generation. People are going to say such opinions. Nobody are equipped to have the same personalities.

In_Trance · Answer

what is the chronic health condition?

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Your boyfriend deserves better.

Dating with a chronic health condition. Why do I find it so hard?

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