Am I wrong for this (I know I am) but I don't know what to do next? Please help?

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have been married for a good 13 years now and have known eachother since high school. She's never had any close friends outside of her family. While this means that I get all her time to myself, it also means that whenever we fight she has so support system to rant about her feelings to.

I always worry about her after our fights, we both love eachother but can't help the prettiest of fights from time to time. She always leaves and spends the night at her family's house since it's just 5 minutes away by walk.

I can't remember weather it was as a joke or just me being nosy to make sure she's eating and sleeping well after our fights, but I made a fake account on Instagram and sent her a message. After a few weeks we became close friends, I told a cousin sis to help with any voice notes or pictures. She now comfortably rants to me about our fights to this 'Instagram friend', cusses me out (haha) and she's just adorable in the way she talks trash about me but whenever I agree with her she defends me saying I'm sure he didn't realise I felt this way or don't misunderstand him I'm just mad right now.

It's been 2 years since I've had this online friendship going on with my wife. I genuinely didn't think anything was wrong with it, as my intention was just so I can make sure she's feeling well after we fight, I wanted her to have a friend other than me she can talk freely to. But then she started telling me secrets, wanting to meet up with me even if it costs her a plane ticket, she even planned a girls trip for just the two of us. I feel like I'm being deceptive to her, but I can't get myself to tell her the girl she's best friends with is me.

I really enjoyed being her 'bestie', learnt a new side of her and love her even more. She's the best.

I know I brought this upon myself regardless of my intention, but I just can't bring myself to tell her and I don't know how she'll react if she found out herself one day.

[HelpMe06]

I know the intention behind the account was good but the effects could be really hard on her now because she’s going to be hurt either way. If you tell her she will feel betrayed, she will lose trust and probably be embarrassed. If you delete the account she will be mourning a friendship and probably wondering what she’s done wrong. And if you keep the account you’re going to make it worse and make it harder to keep the lie going and will make it harder for your partner to lose the friendship.


Personally I think you should suggest she joins a club (eg book club, or any hobby club) or even volunteering so she can meet some people and find friends in real life. Also bumble bff is really good it’s basically a friendship tinder so you swipe on people you want to be friends with. When she does I’d delete the fake account and then she will have in person friends to turn to. Try and also bring some of the positive qualities you’ve shown in the fake profile into your relationship also, it might even help strengthen your bond. For example if you fight send her a message from your phone checking in on her.


You’ve got yourself in a tough situation. Good luck!

[Asker]

Thanks for this idea, there's currently no near book societies in-person where I live, however I encouraged her to join a Discord chat with people that share the same interest as her. Hopefully once she makes more friends, then I'll slowly talk to her less frequently until we go back to the casual friends stage on that account so if I were to stop talking she wouldn't be hurt. It might take a while now I've made it this was, I definitely regret doing so and now even think it was manipulative of me. I hope I can just do well as her husband and give support for her to make her own friends. Honestly, I don't have friends either so I'll make a few too. Thank you for the suggestion, I think finding an in-person society or club would help resolve my problem. Thank you.

[Linzoly81]

Imagine how you'd feel. I hear some manipulation mixed in there. You made a fake acct to make sure she's ok after a fight. How about try to stop fighting. She's got her family you said so yourself. So yeah I think you either need to come clean or cut it out.

[Asker]

This girl skips meals when we fight or even have an argument. Not on purpose but she simply forgets when she's distracted. She doesn't tell her family anything but they can all tell we fought so the call me on my phone and ask, I then explain what it was about.

I guess it can be seen as manipulative making a fake account and all, but I also used it as a means to hear her out. By fights, I mean petty fights where one of us is upset by something for an illogical reason. Stop fighting isn't an answer, but honestly, since I started this fake account thing we've barely fought. Because before when she'd get emotional she'd always leave first and I didn't get to hear her full explanation, now she tells me exactly how she feels online so I know what do avoid next time.

You're right about the imagine how you'd feel. Which is the reason I acknowledge what I'm doing is wrong, but how do I come clean without hurting her?

[SnowedIn]

That is horrific. Just despicable.