My boyfriend tells his friends about our relationship and I don't like it. How to make him understand I want privacy, not secrecy?

[Someone_101]

My boyfriend shares about our relationship with his friends and all they do is judge comparing this will also end up like his past relationship. He was in a toxic relationship in his past. Now he has changed a lot after I enter into his life. But I don't like to be in people's mouths deciding how our relation will end up So I told him to not share anything with the third person other than us. Coz I don't want any slightest negative thoughts to be in his mind which his friends feed him. He got angry and told me he can't pretend like I am not in love with you. How to make him understand what I want is privacy not pretending and secrecy?

[ohsheeT]

So what you do is you say to him one day so my friend so-and-so was telling me about her and her boyfriend doing this and doing that and I said that's ridiculous so I had to tell her what you do and what you don't do and she started comparing her boyfriend to you which upset me because you know you're this way and you're that way I try to explain that to her but she still wanted to argue with me so then I had to tell her about the time that you did this and did that and it's her eyes got really big and she said something else so then I had to tell her about the time that you did this and that and this and she was trying to save her boyfriend was better than you and I kept saying no well my boyfriend does this and does that too so my boyfriend's better than you but at the same time I think she's right because another friend walked up and said what are you guys talking about so we both told her and then she said wow I don't know and then another friend walked up and the third friend started telling her what happened and me and the first girl we were saying no it didn't happen that way it happened this way and they got it all blown out of proportion so then I had to tell him all about the time that you did this


Maybe he will understand it that way

[GreatBigCircles]

Kind of going off of what @boggboss said, you can be open about being worried about the privacy, while still being supportive and understanding. Clearly he feels his friends are a good support group for him, and he needs outside support to learn to trust in an intimate relationship again after being hurt.

Apologizing to him is a good start, but you can also use this as a way to let him know that he can be open with you too. It probably won't be something he'll take on immediately if he's been abused before; people who have been abused aren't comfortable openly admitting their problems or concerns or anxieties with their partners. But by 'leaving the door open' so to speak, and not making it a power thing by pressuring him one way or another, you're giving him a very powerful signal that your also there to support him, not be someone that he needs support for.

[Alli39]

People have probably already said it, but frankly I don't think keeping a relationship, outside specifically agreed on topics (ex. sex lives or personal secrets), is actually healthy. I know from personal experience that feeling like you can't tell other people about what's going on in a relationship can be incredibly isolating. If he's coming out of a toxic relationship, the opinions of his friends - the people he's chosen for himself in life - could be really important to him in his emotional process. I know it's difficult, but in general I'd try to give him as much space as possible to consult other people. If you're concerned about his friends' attitudes or he's telling other people personal information about you that is inappropriate to share, I'd suggest talking to him about it.

[provokeesmokee]

Yeah, his friends are right.

He is ALLOWED to talk about his relationship with his friends to seek advice.

If he's bad mouthing you, that's one thing. But it sounds like all he's doing is looking to his friends to help him stay safe and identify any red flags.

That you want him to not be allowed to talk about your relationship is a RED FLAG ON YOU.

His friends know him more than you do. He has every right to listen to those he loves - and you're definitely not only not the only one, but I daresay his friends love him more than you.

Seek therapy. And advise him to seek it too.

[boggboss]

Issue is if he has had toxic relationships in the past then he will want others opinions on things that happen I get not wanting your business out their but telling him he is not allowed to vent about the relationship is the type of tactic a abuser would imploy and thats not me saying u are just that its somthing they would do

[Someone_101]

Thanks for your opinion really helpful. my perspective changed with your ans. I shouldn't have said that to him.

[boggboss]

👍🏽

[Cuminginside]

Is a delicate line between having a healthy support group and toxic idotic stupid retarded friends. I'm not privy to your exact situation only you can make that decision and there's another thing if his friends are trying to gaslight you by making you look like the abuser toxic person because you're trying to control his friends because they're idiots being mindful of that tactic I wish you well and it's not an easy situation I hope you make the right choice?

[Anonymous]

Do you tell your friends about your relationship? I’m sorry but it’s pretty toxic to not allow him to talk about his friends about your relationship unless he’s sharing things about your sex life or something. He is his own person you should never try to control anyone if you don’t like him leave.

[WhitneySnow]

At least he doesn’t tell them about your sex life

[Cuminginside]

Yeah no kidding That's a fast way to get a slap from your girlfriend all the private stuff. I can feel that slap from here.

[RyanK9b]

Just say exactly that.
Our relationship is no one else's business. Thats our life. Keep it private.

[sheenagwapa]

a guy who can easily be swayed by friends is someone who cannot be trusted... a waste of time and energy

[Hazelxoxx]

Same my ex i broke up with his he share everything to his friend about our relationship ,, i think ur boyfriend is a boy not man

[mommymommymommy]

Sounds like you want other people not knowing you have a boyfriend. That's not ok

[Someone_101]

All my friends know about my boyfriend and I want his friends to know too but not all the details he shares with them. I am not comfortable with that. Is that really not okay too? I'm in literal confusion.

[mommymommymommy]

yes, it is not ok. it's controlling to tell someone what they can and can't do

[Someone_101]

I really don't want to control him. So what should I do with this situation now?

[mommymommymommy]

Lay off it?

Why do people ask the dumbest questions

[DextroShade]

Do you talk to your girlfriends about your relationship with him?

[Luckycharms12]

Tell him straight you what it kept private that should be a given

[kerrieK001]

Younger guys are going to do that.

[boobliker]

explain it to him slowly