Can we do a better job at understanding the context of why people make bad decisions in their lives (without giving them an excuse for it)?

[Anonymous]

Everybody has made very bad decisions in their lives at some point. Many are just morally wrong but others are even criminal.

There are people out there who don’t really have a conscious nor feel guilt/shame for bad past decisions (sociopaths). But others fall into temptation which usually leads to small compromise which then leads to another compromise and it just gets worse and worse. In the end the person ends up being guilty of a wrongdoing they would never imagine themselves partaking in.

For me what matters if someone can flat up own up to being wrong (including myself). If they genuinely own up to being wrong then I am open minded to understanding the context of how things went wrong. That doesn’t mean their bad decision is justified. But it also it gives me more understanding to become a more forgiving individual. And being forgiving doesn’t mean what they did is okay or you even forget about it (although it’s ideal to forget about it). Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment and judgment.

This mindset can be applied to ourselves by the way. I think we tend to either self justify really bad decisions to bury guilt or self flagellate ourselves and wallow in guilt/shame. Neither are productive. Guilt/shame actually can lead to isolation and even worse decision making.

The best thing to do is own up to being wrong first and accept we made a mistake (both logically and emotionally). After owning up we then can make amends if possible. But then forgive ourselves if we can initially own up to being wrong.

[OddBeMe]

Good Q. I read studies about the poor, I see it as our biggest problem.

They make very few “good decisions” research finds. Day to day. They let their kids walk miles to school or get in cars with people they don’t know, do reverse mortgages or any other litany of bad decisons.

Because they’re under stress. Working three jobs, keep getting preggers (another bad decision) etc

[Asker]

I’ve made very bad decisions out of stress and depression. Especially out of depression.

But there is a difference it being understandable vs. acceptable. My bad decisions while understandable weren’t justified either. I will own up that they were wrong and strive to make better decisions going forward.

But the complication arises on how to handle guilt. People tend to self justify bad decisions to avoid guilt. They think they won’t be able to handle the guilt if they are honest with themselves. You see it happen all the time with people trying to justify cheating.

But guilt isn’t meant to be a long term resolution. It’s meant to motivate you to think twice about future decisions. Wallowing it in actually leads to continued bad decisions.

[OddBeMe]

That a whole different issue, changing how people “feel”. I’m just talking about placing people in situations that would allow better decisions.

Some people still don’t “like” gay marriage. Not to mention the trans issue. Hearts and minds are a different battlefield.

If you want to limit bad decisions it’s best to use tangible data and tangible changes. Like giving more entitlements to poor people.

Yes we should shame poor people for having kids they can’t afford, but that’s going against possible religious and constitutional shit my friend. Lol

[Asker]

This take wasn’t really about ideologies/viewpoints but I can see how it might be interpreted as such. Lately I have been trying to avoid that thinking (damn near imposible nowadays but anyway). Once you start you bring up conflicting ideologies you will get labeled. That makes people shut down.

Anyway I was raised to be accountable for my own actions. Overall that’s a very good thing because it gives a person agency. But there is context on why people make good or bad decisions. Context will not justify bad decisions but it does matter. Ignoring context comes off as dismissive and even ignorant.

For example a bisexual girl was telling me it was okay to “express my angry emotions” to a woman the same way she did when her ex girlfriend broke up with her. She’s very ignorant that men often are viewed as “threatening” to women when they raise their voices and get angry (regardless if it’s justified or not). Just because she is bisexual she thinks she can view my dating experiences as if they are the same as hers. She might have more insight at dealing with difficult women but understand how it is for a man in that situation? That’s impossible for any woman to truly comprehend. I know I wouldn’t give a woman the same advice I would give a man when dealing with interpersonal conflict. I know they think differently and that needs to be taken into consideration.

So again you can’t be dismissive of context. Seek to understand before being understood. - Stephen Covey.

[OddBeMe]

Absolutely agree. We over label shit all the time.

And chicks get a swelled head when they “come out” or get a new lease on life. Guys can be jerks too. But I agree what you say about bitchy bisexual.

But I guess what I’m advising, or opining to your Q :)… is that the only thing we can control is our response to bullshit. So just keep that in your mind and flirt with better chicks. Lol

[Asker]

Yeah guys can be jerks but I shouldn’t have to pay for the sins of unrelated men. Women don’t tolerate unfair generalizations. Why can’t men?

Anyway good convo. I’m making effort to get away from posting about politics/ideologies (promise I probably can’t keep for long lol). I doubt anyone has ever had their ideological/political viewpoints changed via an online argument.

[OddBeMe]

True. And you shouldn’t suffer sins from related men. Hope you’re not… lol

[Anonymous]

We can, but we probably won't because both genders have thier triggers. And simply most do not give a s*** about what the other has went through.

[Asker]

I think there two scenarios that play out here for most people:

Scenario #1: We play out our selfish assh*le days in our early years only to be humbled and matured as we get older. Ideally it’s our spouse who changes and matures us.

This is an ideal scenario because you understand both sides of the attitude. The advantages and the long term consequences of selfish behavior. Also people are usually more forgiving of selfish attitudes some young people display as just youthful immaturity.

Scenario #2: we start out naive and well intentioned. Unfortunately we get burned by others who are in scenario #1. This jades and embitters people who start believe that those in scenario #1 have it best.

This is bad. Because the chivalry and kind heartedness that was most likely taught to us as children later starts to sound like a horrible lie.