Should I tell my current partner that my ex cheated on me? Would it set the limit for how much bs I can take and let the current guy get away w it?

[bluebananas]

I've heard many people say that you shouldn't tell your partner what your ex did to you and it sets a limit to what bs have you gone through and how much he can test my limits and get away with. If I've been treated a certain way in the past that would also reflect poorly on me and how much I've taken. It did come up in a discussion with my current partner and I dodged it but I'm reconsidering letting him know what happened but I don't know if I should.

[Screenwriter]

How long have you known this guy and what kind of relationship have you with him?

If you're simply dating, don't throw this at him, unless it comes up in a serious discussion. And choose your presentation. You could say, I let him get away with too much and I regret it, and leave it at that. Later on you could elaborate.

This is a sore subject and you don't want it to sour your relationship with this new person. Simply say how much you value honesty in light of that situation. This lets him know you don't want bs. And, I mean, who wants to be cheated on? It's why you're no longer with that dude, isn't it?

[bluebananas]

Thank you for your response. I've known the guy for a long time since we went to school together but we've started talking as friends since the last 3-4 months. He made it clear that he liked me and we've been thinking about going out. We've been talking and getting to know each other deeper. It came up and he explicitly asked me what exactly happened.

[Ozanne]

I'm not a fan of talking about exes at all during a first date or the early, getting-to-know you stage. This is supposed to be a fun time together where you aren't bogged down with the baggage and drama from the past and just enjoy this time because you aren't going to have it again.

I think that if it somehow comes up, it comes up, but I wouldn't make a point of telling him this. Everyone has a cheating story. Absolutely everyone. It's almost to be expected that if you say something he'll also tell you about his own cheating ex. We all would love to warn someone we won't put up with their crap, but by doing so, even talking about how you won't put up with a cheating ex or anyone who will ever do that to you in the future, you're placing warnings on someone when this should be a light time in your early time together.

[madhatters4]

it's up to you. i think you shouldn't use it as some weapon to hold over him but rather just as an informational part of your history.

i've been cheated on and i told subsequent partners as much. not because i wanted them to to think i don't tolerate b. s. but because it is just part of my dating history

[OlderAndWiser]

If being cheated on in the past affects how you feel about relationships now (which I would guess is how you feel,) then I would tell him at some time. How far into a relationship are you?

[coachTanthony]

It's in the past because why do you want him to know anyway? What purpose does it serve?

[wanderlost-nurse]

I absolutely think you should talk about it. If he uses your past against you and for leverage and deceit, he's not the one sis. The way people treat you is a reflection of them, not yourself. Is it scary to be vulnerable? Yes. Could he possibly use your past against you? Yes. Could he use the information for self gain? Also yes. But eventually, there will be someone who will use that information to improve your relationship because they are so in love with you. The right guy will use that information to reassure you when you need a little extra.

[bluebananas]

Yeah i agree with what you said. Thank you for responding!

[love_conquers_lust]

Eh? How would he use it for self gain? “Your ex cheated, therefore I can cheat”? You could throw that back in his face. “Sure, if you want to become an ex too.”. or “Because other guys are pieces of shit, that justifies you being one also? Does that mean I should do it to you, too?”

[ItsChloe1999]

This question brings back events in my past which I’m not particularly proud of. I’m currently single but in my last relationship I told my partner that my ex cheated on me for this very reason. But what he didn’t know but later on found out is that my relationship before that ended because I was hooking up with fuckboys at every opportunity I got because my ex partner wasn’t giving me enough sexual attention. Then the same thing happened in this relationship and I resorted back to my old ways and I got away with it for quite a long time too, he finally found out and dumped me after I had a drunken hookup with his co worker at the nightclub.

[TruthBeTold77]

I mean did he cheat and you left once you found out? If so I think that shows people they can't treat you like that.

If he cheated and you stayed? Then yep your basically telling him do as you please I'm a door mat. Probably not a good idea to say.

[bluebananas]

Well he's an ex now so I obviously left him when I found out but yeah I get your point thanks for responding.

[Constatine]

yeah but it depends... is the current relation in the beginning state... ? Nope

If something happend... you freaked out about and he has no clue... YEs , he has to understand you.

If the relation is more evolved... YES, but only when you are ready for it.

[DermalPunch]

NEVER EVER Go into specifics about what went wrong in your past relationship when you start seeing a guy.

He is ABSOLUTELY using it to categorize you. Men care about your past. Just say it didn't work out. Wanted different things blah blah.

When you day I was chested on, beaten, whatever, you are giving him ammunition.

I made that mistake twice and boy oh bot did I suffer. Learned my lesson.

[love_conquers_lust]

If it comes up, you don’t have to avoid the question. It’s how you learn about the wisdom each of you has gained. There’s a difference between constantly comparing your current partner to your ex verse explaining a standard you have for ALL guys. Then you can find out if he agrees. You shouldn’t be ashamed of being a good person, you should be proud. Honesty, best policy.

The people scared of this question are cheaters who don’t want to be judged.

[KorvoWintrish]

I cannot stress enough that you should not bring this up, not early on at least. It will almost certainly make it seem like you're not over your ex. It's the same reason you don't talk about your exes on dates, or very much in general at all.

[maheenosaurusrex]

relationships are built on trust which includes you telling your partner about your past. when it comes to the bs you might think ur partner will give you all depends on how much you truly respect yourself. when you genuinly respect yourself you'll trust ur gut and know when to set a boundary and you will have a healthy relationship too

[slatyb]

Probably best to save that. If you are concerned that your new partner will also cheat on you, that's your problem, not his. If you don't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.

[Spongebobssocks]

Yes tell him if he cheats his ding dong gets cut off while he is sleeping

[Jersey2]

No need to discuss it. The good news is that you were available to be with him. The other one just didn’t work out.

[Anonymous]

You asked this question before. Why would the new guy even need to know that shit.

[Opinion Owner]

You legit created a new account to re-ask this same damn question

[bluebananas]

Lmao what? I literally got to know that forum even existed like just 15 minutes ago

[msc545]

Don't talk to your curent about your ex - it will lead to problems.

[LunarEclipse433]

I would say no. If he asks, then tell him

[Iron_Man]

Tell him

[Anonymous]

Yeah