Would you be able to forgive, if your partner cheated whilst being drunk?

[Mr_twoface]

I know this is not a straightforward yes or no question especially if you have kids involved. However, this question has stuck with me since high school because once in our English class, our teacher asked this question to see evaluate its students moral value and for us to communicate in English our reasons.

We were 26 students and only three, myself included, stood on the "NO" section as we believed and still too date do believe, that alcohol is not an excuse to cheat (no matter how you define cheating as different people define it differently). 23 students stood on the side of YES, they would forgive cause alcohol was involved and if their partner were intoxicated, well it was beyond their own control and hence it was easier to forgive.

Yes

Maybe

No

[Anonymous]

I only forgave him because at the time we were exclusive though not yet official. I do regret taking him back because while he got sexual online with two other women while drunk, he admitted that he was tempted to return and do so again the next day with one of the women while sober. I somehow ruined that opportunity before he got to, but still, I was an idiot for taking him back after learning that. At the time, I told myself we were not official so this was not fully cheating. Still he broke the promise of exclusivity and would have continued to lie about only being with me, had I not told him someone else already told me the truth. Thing is, no one else had told me. It was a tactic to see if anything was going on because of how strange he was acting and it turns out that gut feeling was correct. Now we are official and I have forgiven but not forgotten. I am struggling to trust him and always wondering what could be happening when he acts strange. In the future, I would not take back someone after the drunken excuse and I likely would not date someone else who drinks in general. I feel another reason I let this slide is because it was an online thing between him and the two women. Had it been physical, I would not have been able to take him back. Another reason why I remain paranoid is because the one he wanted to return to while sober, he had formed some sort of emotional connection with her and felt they had more in common than we did. I sadly stooped low and told him she was telling everyone online how she was playing with his emotions. He cried to me and I felt horrible lying like this to him but I did what I had to to keep him. I realize now that the fact I had to lie means he was never truly mine to begin with. So now I guess we’re both living a lie and he does not even make me happy anymore. This sword has two ends and we each threw ourselves on it. I used to think physical cheating was the only threat and not emotional cheating. But I now know both are about equal.

[Opinion Owner]

And to make it worse, the sexual things he did with them online, he did almost an hour after things we had done for real. That makes it hurt even more and shows that he did a lot intentionally

[Mr_twoface]

If he doesn't make you happy anymore, why don't you move on and fulfill that joy in your life?

[Opinion Owner]

I’m not even honestly sure why I said that. The unhappy with him feeling is often temporary. I want to stay with him so badly. Its just hard to tell how long things will work for

[Mr_twoface]

How's your communication with each other? Can you openly, especially during the times you are unhappy, be able to have an adult conversation and share and receive feedback? Since you seem to adore him so much and want to continue staying with him, make the necessary steps to work on the things that are making you even for a moment thing it wouldn't last long.

[Opinion Owner]

We are amazing at communicating through disagreements and know how to keep our cool and think logically. He just gets easily overwhelmed from overthinking and I get impatient because he struggles to find the words in a timely manner. He will literally sit quietly for 15 or so minutes when he could just give a simple answer. Then his answers are usually not worth having waited so long for. But i still feel our communication skills are worth it because i rather we try than just argue or give eachother the silent treatment.

[EmyyWolf]

I think I would under specific circumstances. Under these rules.

1. I get to go get drunk myself and cheat back on him with a BBC

2. He has to eat me out for 6 months without any sex for me to take him back.

3. I would have to take a break from him for at least 3 months to re-evaluate the entire relationship.

4. He doesn’t get to drink or go out with friends ever again in his sorry life. Or this won’t be a relationship.

Because the honest truth. Is that you love your partner enough. And you have feelings for him/her. They mean something to you. You developed an emotional attachment to them. Not giving him a second chance would be hard. So I believe for me, I would give him one last chance under these set of rules. As long as he follows them to the dot.

[Mr_twoface]

lol for rule number one :D

[EmyyWolf]

I know right. Hilarious. 🤦🏻‍♀️
No I’m dead ass. Most pussy feels the same for men.
But you can’t compete with BBC. 🫵

[QuickToAsk]

4 things to consider...

#1) What if you already had this conversation with her & she was sneaky, so she said this to herself? "I'm totally gonna cheat on him now. I'll meet my ex, get some liquor & cheat. My guy will totally forgive me if he finds out. He already said he would before I even did this."

#2 Why would your woman anywhere where she'd be drunk & there's enough privacy to have sex with a guy to begin with?

#3 Depending on the circumstances, she could use this as an excuse & be totally lying about being drunk. All she'd have to do is drink a mouthful, have liquor on her breath, get caught by you red-handed & say "Oops, I'm drunk. *hiccup*" It's not like you're going to give her a Breathalyzer test. Or she could be seen in a live feed on someone's social media hanging out with another guy, kissing him. When she sees you the next day, the next day, she could be like, "Oops, I can explain. I was drunk last night."

#4 What if she keeps getting caught cheating while either really being drunk (or heck, even faking it)? You gonna forgive her the 2nd time? What about the 5th time? The 8th time? How far does this forgiveness go?

Because of these reasons, my answer would have to totally be "NO" & it should be your answer too.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Yes, though forgiving someone is not the same to me as giving them a second chance. I may or may not give them a second chance even if I forgive them. Forgiving them just means to me that my actions in response will not be motivated by any vengeful thoughts.

I'll be focused on more rational thoughts like their actual chances of repeating this behavior as to my response. The chances would go up in this case if they actually quit drinking, for example. If they continue drinking, then I can only expect this to happen again if they blame alcohol for their misbehavior.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

* The chances [of them cheating again] would go [down, sorry] in this case if they actually quit drinking [...]

Forgiving is something I believe in striving to do always, but whether or not I'll give anyone additional chances (after forgiving them) depends on a risk assessment for which I try to take maximum contextual factors into account.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I think here in Japan, we are influenced by much by Buddhist philosophy (similar to Stoicism in the West). So we don't conflate forgiveness with second chances. We can forgive a criminal and still lock them behind bars because we deem it the best course of action to protect society. What we won't do is retaliate in vengeance and seek to cause the criminal to suffer. A common saying here is that failing to forgive a person is like drinking small doses of poison each day and expecting the other person to suffer. To forgive is to simply let go of our negative thoughts and feelings. It has nothing to do with the actions we choose except that the actions we choose will be guided by productive thought patterns, not negative and malicious ones.

[LaurenM1997]

Why would you want to forgive a criminal? I just couldn’t

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@LaurenM1997 Hippie kind of inner peace stuff like this:

There are purely selfish reasons to let go of hate and resentment. Again with this distinction of forgiveness, we might still lock a criminal away or even execute him despite forgiving him. The difference is that we don't do it out of hatred. We do it, for example, to protect everyone else from further harm.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

@LaurenM1997 Also I'm pretty sure I would fail. For example, if a criminal murdered my wife, I don't think I could forgive him. I might very well ruin my life pursuing vengeance outside the law. There are some things that just demand too much of us to forgive. To forgive everything is an ideal; something we strive towards, not something necessarily reached.

[Mr_twoface]

True. My wording came out wrong as I was mostly referring to if you would take the partner back.

[Mr_twoface]

I saw a tiktok where Japanese girls were questioned about whether or not they would forgive if husband cheated with someone else or a hooker. Their answers was that a hooker was OK and easily forgiven since their were no emotional feeling. Is that something you've come across in the Japanese millenial culture?

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

That's an extremely old school mindset that tends to place responsibility on the wife to keep her husband faithful rather than the husband. It's not one my wife and I share but I wouldn't be surprised if there are young Japanese girls and guys who still think that way. I'm especially allergic to that mindset since I think a man must ultimately be accountable for his own actions, and never his wife, but I'm half-American on my mother's side of the family.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

One thing with that very traditional mindset is that it wasn't uncommon for the wife to become the head of the household. She would take responsibility, like a mother over a boy, if her husband drank too much, spent too much time with friends, slept with another woman, etc. She'd scold and discipline him while he submits to her authority. It leads to the "pussy-whipped" husband as they call it in the West, but I think it's a very bad configuration since it usually makes wives miserable and husbands irresponsible.

[Mr_twoface]

Very good point indeed.

[Paris13]

I am The Forgiving Type, Sure, But to Forget? No Way. xxoo

[RoseySarah]

Nope should not be drunk! Even when not at home safe at our age!

[IslaTheWitch]

No. I know my limits and expect the same from my partner. Drinking enough to lose the ability for a healthy judgment of the situation is crossing relationship boundaries. Cheating on me crosses my boundaries.

I wouldn't be able to forgive.

[robhazelnut]

No, they had a choice of whether or not to drink. The same result would apply- their redemption would be found in a year without sex, but weekly dates where I'm allowed to check their phone as proof of them not contacting people for sex. They'd not be allowed to look at my phone, and I could stop dating them any time. I would be allowed to date normally. Such would be proof of their interest without punishing me for their error. If it was from toxicity, I doubt that they'd be willing and able to.

[robhazelnut]

Addendum: I would also not have sex until if and when I decided to not date them.

[robhazelnut]

In the case of date-cheating if we married, then I'd simply check their phone after each date.

[Joshydavid25]

Yeah, as long as they were willing to work through it and not drink anymore.. To me cheating isn't the worst thing you can do in a relationship.. Sure it's betrayal, but as long as they weren't a serial cheater and realize they made a bad decision, why not? None of us are perfect..

[Mr_twoface]

What would be the worst thing in a relationship?

[Joshydavid25]

A plethora of things.. Abuse mental or physical, taking all my money, hating my family members (unless my SO had a valid reason, even still wouldn't want that), killing me or my family members, killing themselves. Tricking me into thinking they were somebody they really weren't.. Them getting pregnant and the child not being mind and the works.. LOL..

[Joshydavid25]

Mine**..

[Anonymous]

I selected no, reason is not the being drunk itself, but the choices and interactions that led to being drunk.

I would want to know how my partner put himself in that situation to begin with? To be in a situation where he would be drinking with other women, to be drinking in an amount which would get him drunk?

I think the fact that my partner would put himself in that situation, showed that he's not accountable.

[Kelley1]

If I marry a high value man, the fact that occassionally he will take advantage of his numerous opportunities is a given. Average men will not cheat because, for a one night stand, women can do better.

[JayBones]

I think you mixed up high net worth man with high value man.

[Kelley1]

@JayBones I know the difference and stated it correctly.

[JayBones]

Value is in Scarcity. You don't know anything about value, that's why you sell yourself for fiat

[PeachyPie93]

Nah because if you could have sex with someone else while drunk, what else could you do? Why are you even drinking if you don't know what your wasted point is and can lose control of yourself like that? That is why I hate alcohol it can turn the nicest people into demons but I also believe it is just showing us who they truly are deep down.

[elecguy73]

Been drunk many a time, drunk is a excuse, for stupid. I never have cheated, never had a reason to, I deeply loved my wife, and wouldn't have hurt her that way, that's no different then getting drunk, running over a bunch of people, and blaming the liqueur. And for those that say, I don't remember doing anything like that, perhaps you should re think your drinking then.

[CozyCoffin]

The bottom line is that they considered me worthless. Their desire to engage in a romp with someone else was more important to them. What's even worse is that they decide to use the most bullshit excuse, "I was drunk". What are they going to do next time they get "drunk"? Fuck some other lowlife?

[Flatmanlewis]

No. I’m not interested in your drunken excuses. Cheating isn’t a moment’s indiscretion. It’s a series of small, intentional, decisions and acts that eventually lead to a place where you are left with the final decision to act.

[AngelLily]

I would forgive them Because that’s the Christian thing to do. But just because one forgives does not mean they have to stay with said Person. I can forgive an still Leave them forever wich is what I’ll do.

[Account]

Nope. What does being drunk have to do with it? You don't magically turn into another person while you are drunk. Everyone is responsible for their thoughts and actions regardless of being drunk or sober.

[wiltingrosepetal]

Depends on how far he went. Wouldn't forgive him if he slept with em

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

I stand in the no section. If you know that you are prone to making irrational and hurtful decisions, while intoxicated, you stay away from the juice.

[molonski2]

I think it makes it worse in a way , I could always control myself when intoxicated , not suprised the kids voted that way , they were all too young then.

[NathanDavis]

forgive, yes...

but not going back to that relationship... it would still be over, but I can forgive

[Anonymous]

I'm very forgiving. But being drunk is a very bad excuse. I've been drunk many times before, it does not work like that.
We could discuss an open relationship or a threesome of being poly. But cheating is a definite no for me.

[FreyaRed]

No. If he cheats he isn't the man for me and if does things he doesn't want to do while being drunk, he's definitely not the man for me.

[Billlewis]

I've been cheated on several times and I always forgive my girlfriends when they're unfaithful.