What are some difficult lessons you’ve learned from past relationships?

Question

TenderFantasy · Accepted Answer

People are selfish.

They don't really value people or relationships more than themselves. Not like that's always a bad thing because you're going to be living with yourself and your actions for the rest of your life, but if you want to have a working relationship or family, there will need to be sacrifices at times, can't just make it all about them and their wants and needs.

Breaking up with someone or rejecting them, hurting them emotionally is NEVER illegal sadly. And even if it was, that's never stopped some folks from breaking the law.

Hence, true love is hard to come by. Only your parents and those that CHOOSE to truly and deeply love/care about you, you can feel that, the rest are just a facade meant because they need or want something from you at the moment. It is out of convenience. Also, a lot of people (my recent ex included) treat dating like a job interview whether or not you're good enough to marry and have a family with, be their life partner, etc. If the person you're with is a perfectionist, oh boy, look out, be prepared to be hurt and heartbroken/disappointed.

Everyone is different. No two men are the same. My last (serious) ex before him, despite major physical and sexual abuse, he still tried to get back with me and my stupid, addicted self, let him back in multiple times because I thought this was a test of our relationship! It's was crazy. In the end, I did think he truly did love me, but he just wasn't capable and he was battling his own demons in the form or drugs and alcohol. And that messed him up real bad to the point that he wasn't himself anymore. It was very sad.

Relationships aren't everything and you cannot never control another person. What they are thinking and feeling, even though you so very much want to, wish to, etc.

People will consider your RACE to see if you are "compatible" with them.

People will consider things you can't control sometimes, to either reject you, or say yes to you. It often times isn't really fair.

HollyK21 · Accepted Answer

Goodness, so many lessons learned!

One is that you can’t love someone into changing.

Two, always maintain a sense of self.

Three, do not become wholly consumed by a person or relationship.

Four, let an ex be an ex. No merry go rounds or revolving doors, 9/10 they want another conversation but have nothing new to say. In most cases, you already know as much anyway.

Five, never for attachments or expectations too soon, at least the first 2-3 months. That way you can do whatever needs to be done without so much emotion spearheading your decision making. I’ve seen people cling to a person they need to leave after only a month and are far too invested.

WhiteSteve · Accepted Answer

A lot. I can’t deal with jealousy and suspicion, that was a big one. I don’t do “tests”, like someone pretending just to get a reaction out of you, and then afterwards being like “that was a test.” Kindly “test”….

What are some difficult lessons you’ve learned from past relationships?

Another one is just the importance of organic compatibility. You gotta accept someone as they are or don’t accept them at all, and vice versa. You can’t change people, who they are, how they behave. You can force change, but forced change in someone only leads to resentment.

And the hardest one is one of youth, I think. That teen love mode. You two against the world, you’re undoubtedly going to last forever, you’re not like all these other couples that won’t go the distance….. no, you’re probably just like everyone else, and two years in a teenager’s perspective is FOREVER, lmao, not like the adult perspective where you can’t believe how quickly the time passed. Plus, you just don’t even have yourself figured out yet, you can evolve into a completely different person in probably a relatively short 3-5 year period as you evolve from “high school you” to “adult you”, which we hope and pray are different people in most cases😂 So putting a lot of stock in young love is risky. It works out sometimes, and it’s beautiful when it does, but you just can’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched.

NathanDavis · Accepted Answer

love is not enough sometimes (=

Sonorous · Answer

"She's not yours, it's just your turn."

Paris13 · Answer

Learn To Trust and Try and Avoid Jealousy Issues. xxoo

NormalBoringGuy · Answer

I guess I've learned some valuable lessons from them. For instance, I've learned that it's important to be true to oneself, unless of course, that someone is a girl looking for cheap, erotic thrills. Then, you know, it's totally fine to switch it up and watch them take long showers through a peephole – it's all about meeting people's expectations, right?

Another lesson I've learned is that communication is key in any relationship, and that it's important to be open and honest with your partner, especially when you're discussing them with Mother.

Um, yes, I think those are some of the most difficult lessons I've learned from past relationships. Mother always says that every experience, whether good or bad, is a learning opportunity, and I've definitely found that to be true in my own life. Sometimes, I like to share these lessons with my Mother, or rather, she speaks to me on the Scrabble board, spelling out triple-word bonuses with what she calls her 'cheap whore words.' She won the game last night with WHORUSACCOMODUS, which she says means to find space in the trunk of a car. They're onto you @NormalBoringGuy, standing there in the line of the DMV, talking about stuffed animals like you're some kind of crazed lunatic.

McLlovin · Answer

Never be a rebound guy,  dont be to nice,  no matter what women say if you cry in front of them they will never respect you a Confidence is important  If you spend money on a first date dont spend a lot of money.  Don’t hold on to someone who dont want you  Put in the same energy as you are getting back when it comes to relationships. Don’t settle for less, but don’t aim for the moon. You may overlook the one. Never backwards always forwards.

HawkPerception · Answer

You can't change someone. Look for the personality traits you're attracted to in the first place rather than hoping they have a different side to them.

Be unwavering in your opinions. Don't try to just listen to whatever your partner says because you're afraid of whether they'll dislike you and breakup with you. Just be you.

If someone is willing to be intimate with others in certain ways and say they liked the act, and don't do it with you even though you've expressed interest in it, that's a red flag and you should leave.

If they left you once, just leave it at that. Don't chase. If they're able to breakup with you on a whim, they don't value commitment.

Friends do not know what's actually going on in a relationship and never have the full details, so while they may have your best interest in mind, you should handle the relationship matters yourself.

Minahh · Answer

You bet its been a lot. People who grew up in harmonious families are the luckiest among us because they already had template on what healthy relationship should look like and are much less likely to accept anything else. We have to learn from our own struggles and unfortunately some never learn and are just going in cycles. Luckily I am a quick learner and I am glad that I leaened it young - gives me a huge advantage. I started to listen to a relationship coach - finding the one with whose ideas you resonate is key, now I am focusing on myself and my goals, I realized what bullshit I tolerated and that it won't happen again, I started to really work on my self esteem and issues, expressing myself authentically and unapologetically, to not want another person to fill something empty and learned that a lot of men are predators and will prey on your emotions, time, energy, resources etc whether overtly or covertly so you have to have high standards and be selective as fuck.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

The big one: never settle for an unequal exchange of effort. Because the small things are how love gets expressed. If the person can't be bothered to do something like ask you how your day was or pick you up from the dentist on their day off, it's not because they express their love for you "in their own way;" it's because they don't love you.

Someone whose heart isn't in it, that is; someone who isn't putting in much effort, WILL NEVER PUT IN MUCH EFFORT. And they don't put in that effort because they don't think you're worth it.

If you ever have to work harder than the other person to keep your connection with them alive, you're better off just letting it die because they won't care if they lose you.

naartjie · Answer

1) Loving someone harder won’t make them stay.
2) The moment you feel in your gut that it’s over or will end, leave and don’t wait months for when it does actually does end.
3) As hard as it is, see people for who they are and don’t let things you’re not happy with, slide.
4) Sorry without change is manipulation.
5) Don’t stay after you catch them cheating. They wouldn’t have ever told you if you didn’t find out.

Gochogirl · Answer

Men are complicated in ways that their stereotype doesn't cover. I learned it's easy for me to accidentally disallow a man from having feelings, which is what leads to their behavior being so hard to understand. It still upsets me that I needed to *practice* how to allow my partner to express himself.

Tanya456 · Answer

Communication

Communication.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/YGAeI5KODLA

I'm blocking replies because I answered a question about what the meaning of what "cisgender" was, and the fucktard mods said the truth wasn't allowed on this site.

It wasn't MY truth, it's the Wikipedia truth.

Somoneelse · Answer

- redflags are red flags. Ignoring them will only harm you.

- keeping secrets will harm a relationship. Especially if the secrets affect your life.

- the way your SO speaks about others proves her personality.

- follow your gut. Even if it goes against your mind/thoughts

desert_rose666 · Answer

•People can like you, chose you, love you, but still disrespect your over their own lack of confidence. •The experience levels matter big deal as I personally have no nerves to wait for someone to learn things I already did.
•Unintentional becomes intentional as soon as you say you mind something but it continues.

McKellar · Answer

Be more confident within myself (unfortunately I didn't and the cost was way too high), and they don't necessarily need to know everything. Not lying and hiding anything from her... very strangely still cause the break up.

Then again I know with my last relationship, I expressed complete confidence within myself, and the break up still happened. Strange, makes no sense, but it's true.

Biya123 · Answer

I have learned.
1. Dont be too giving. Not everyone deserves your love and attention.
2. Love yourself first.
3. Set healthy boundaries and dont allow other person to cross that boundaries.
4. If relationship or person is getting toxic leave it immediately, dont wait for a miracle.
5. Be hard to get woman, men took for granted if you are to easy or too sweet to them.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Not all women who seem like good people really are.

abc3643 · Answer

Don't have them! Relationships put constraints on freedom and, once you are old enough, you realize nothing is more important than freedom.

Drew-1990 · Answer

Not really a relationship but still learned from a big crush, don't let her use your crush to her advantage.

jshm2 · Answer

That everyone is the same, but different.  Meaning you treat everyone equally, until they give you reason to see them as different.

EmpressAJ · Answer

That if you love yourself , the right person will find u. U need to learn what not to put up with before the right one arrives

SolitarySolace · Answer

1. All women cheat in one way or another
2. All women really care about is money
3. All women care about is sex in which they gain power over men through which will never change because men will never refuse sex no matter the risk

hopegirly · Answer

It is difficult to loose someone that i have never had properly 😞

KittygosMeoWW · Answer

When to walk away and not be so hopeful in another persons growth. I also learned to really expect the best day 1 which is why I’ve been single now for almost a year.

clampfan101 · Answer

Nothing in this world lasts forever. Nothing…

Jennuine · Answer

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink... You can back someone and believe in them to your heart's expense but it's on them to trust and stay it. And one person's voice isn't enough to sate when numerous others are on the other side contradicting it.

Squatting_Slav · Answer

You can never force a woman to feel a certain way

TheSpider · Answer

No matter how much you love someone or for how long.. they may never ever love you back.

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

You can't guide someone to somewhere or something they're clearly not heading... You're supposed to be partners it shouldn't be one sided. That cost me 3 different times...

Kelly6 · Answer

@elena_stewart doing jump into long relationship quickly

dolemite58 · Answer

Women’s power is in your fear of whatever they’re going to do. If you genuinely don’t care one way or the other if she leaves then she’ll usually want to stay. Girls only want to break up if they know you’d be crushed by it.

Lonelydudewantsagirl · Answer

Most women just don’t want to settle down 🤷🏼‍♂️

Jmmmfi4 · Answer

THAT NO GIRL WANTS ONE WITH ME

itsclearlynicholas · Answer

It takes two to tango 🪩

Anonymous · Answer

Feminists don't elevate women, they just tear others down.

laly520 · Answer

not to believe a toxic person when say will change

lildkman1010 · Answer

Honestly that you can blame the other all you want but have you accually looked at yourself

Bricealan · Answer

Being more of a listener"

magiusX26 · Answer

that they are not worth the trouble

Lady_Heart · Answer

How to know when a man has lost interest in you.

sheikalana · Answer

Do not ignore the red flags.

Unit1 · Answer

Everything has a price. Money talks.

Zoi99 · Answer

Communication is key.

litty736 · Answer

I learned that people can't keep secrets

grega239 · Answer

Its all pointless

whistlingwh0res · Answer

hook ups are better always

Anonymous · Answer

That women are snakes.

Anonymous · Answer

Take things slow

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