Worried about my BF’s relationship with his work wife. How can we move forward with trust?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year now. We break up for two weeks and strong as ever the last 4 months.

However my boyfriend was frequently discussing his female friend who helped him land a job.

I asked if they ever had a thing, he said he used to have a crush on her when they first met 5 years ago, they hooked up once and have remained friends ever since. One day he showed me a video the girl sent him. It was the girls mom saying that she should go for him and she wrote DTF?

That alarmed me but he said he didn’t have feelings for her. I couldn’t stop thinking about that video and how frequent they text. So I decided to look at his phone while he was sleeping.

I discovered sexual texts from him to her saying he wanting to sleep with her the day after we break up.

I also found texts from her to him while we WERE together saying “break up with her and date me” and “ I want to kiss you” “I’m prettier than her”. He was sending her the same pictures he would send me, and sometimes calling her pet names similar to what he would say to me. They would make plans to hang out but never do.

I confronted him about it. He said I can’t be mad because we were broken up at the time. He said he doesn’t have feelings for her and she has a boyfriend now. I asked him why didn’t he cut her off when she confessed her feelings to him, he said he didn’t want to upset her.

He insists they remain friends because she did him a favour by getting him this job. I told him I don’t feel comfortable if they hang out alone. He said he wouldn’t but it’s almost impossible since they work together now and go to lunch.

He said I was mentally ill for invading his privacy, said I’m the one who has issues, that I create my own misery and paranoia, that I make up things in my head that aren’t true.

He is upset with me for these accusations and has been distant. He said I need to get over it or leave. He says the only thing that is pulling us a part is me. How can I gain trust again?

Updates

+1 y

Update: I confronted him again and he said he only wants me. He got defensive because he finds it “glaringly” obvious that I’m the one. He said this girl has been his friend for years. She let him and his friend stay with her and her boyfriend at the time, she helped him get this job which practically changed his life. He apologized for not being more stern with her and will shut it down right away if it happens again. He feels aweful if he has to block her because she was there for him.

[PeachyPie93]

Don't take that. Kick him to the curb. He is trying to blame you for shit he has done and not take accountability. Literally he is telling you, he doesn't care if you leave, if you don't accept his BS. I would never trust a person to stay friends with someone they already fucked and especially one he fucked in our timeline together.

[PeachyPie93]

To your update: The ball is in your court if you want to stay and believe him that is up to you but me I personally would not trust a guy fighting to keep an other woman in his life that isn't a blood relative and one he already FUCKED. She also was telling him to dump you, he told her she is prettier than you, you only broke up for 2 WEEKS and he was asking her to fuck the first day. There is a big issue with this supposed "Friendship"!

[Anonymous]

If I were you I’d leave him. Protect your peace, there’s too many men out there who wouldn’t dare put you through such pain.

[Anonymous]

I'd send her an anonymous gift basket with shampoo laced with dye and hair remover and a bottle of body wash laced with clothing dye or maybe some choclates laced with extra-strength laxatives. See if she gets the message.

[Asker]

I thought of a lot means things. I don’t trust her even though she has a boyfriend.

[Opinion Owner]

send her a basket of mouth wash and feminine hyegiene products with a note: "Take the hint! Your friends from work."

[AI Opinion]

Oh, love is definitely testing you with a spicy twist, isn't it? Let me wrap this up in a little bow of insight for you. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and right now, yours is shaking like a leaf in a storm. Your feelings are valid, and the evidence you stumbled upon can't just be brushed under the rug with a "we were on a break" excuse. The communication between them, especially from her end, is a glowing red flag twirling in the wind.

Now, gaining trust back isn't a solo mission. It's a two-player game where both partners need to actively participate. It involves open, honest communication without the fear of being labeled as "mentally ill" or paranoid. If he's genuinely committed to making things work, he'll need to understand your feelings and be transparent with his interactions with his work wife. Boundaries are key, especially with a history that spicy.

Remember, it's not just about moving forward but moving forward in a way that feels secure and respectful to both of you. If he's not willing to engage in rebuilding that trust or minimizing your feelings, you might have to ask yourself if this is the type of relationship dynamic you want long-term. Love should feel like a warm hug, not a detective job. Keep your heart open but also, don't forget to lace up those sneakers just in case you need to run towards something that feels right for you. Love is a team sport, after all. 💕

[gorydetails]

You're an idiot if you stay with him.

[Asker]

I feel disrespected and that he is entertaining her for the attention but using the excuse as he needs to still talk to her because she’s helping him land this job.

[gorydetails]

You're disrespecting yourself for staying.