My husband just admitted he never wanted marriage nor kids while drunk but when sober he apologized, do I forget it?

[Anonymous]

We have two kids, our 20 year-old daughter and 17 year-old son. Our daughter is away in college and our son just recently graduated from HS. His 18th birthday is on July 2nd. He admitted this yesterday while we were spending time alone just the two of us.

He wasn't upset nor anything but very drunk when saying all this. He said he never really wanted to get married, never wanted the wedding and wasn't thinking of having kids either and said along the lines of ''But you know, gotta make you women happy. I did it so you wouldn't leave me.'' The said he loves our kids but it wasn't his plan in life.

So was I living a lie during all our 21 years of marriage? He proposed after 2 years of dating (on his own will) and I never forced him, never put any ultimatums whatsoever. The only thing I ever did was be open in what I was looking for when we started getting to know each other. If he never wanted any of this, he had the option of walking away long ago and stop dating me. Both of our kids were planned so that was his own will too. This is the first time he has ever told me this in a drunken confession. He was sorry once sober, should I forgive and forget this conversation ever happened?

[NamerOfStars]

Well, what exactly is it you want out of this situation?

If you want peace and smooth sailing, then yes- do your best to put it out of your mind. I mean, he may not have wanted marriage and kids, but that doesn't mean he regrets those decisions, or that he's not happy with them. He stuck with you all this time, didn't he? The only relationship that never frustrates you is the one you don't take seriously, after all, and you've made sacrifices, too. He didn't say he wishes he wasn't married to you; just that it wasn't his plan.

On the other hand, you could use this as an opportunity- most likely, if he feels some level of resentment, it's not about being stuck with you, but about lost opportunities he missed out on. So... what were those? I mean, if it was "I want to be sipping margaritas on the beach with a hot babe", that's still doable (provided the babe in question is, y'know, YOU); if he wants to become a famous rock and roll guitarist, that may not be feasible, but he can still learn to play and have fun with it. If he always wanted a certain kind of car, maybe there's used one you find cheap that needs some work (one of the last things my mother confessed to me before she died was that at one point, my father had a chance to buy an old decommissioned Weinermobile, and she made him turn it down).

It sounds kind of midlife-crisis-y, and not without reason, but depending on the details, and if he's willing and you can make it work, you could help him recapture a lost dream, or at least part of one. And hey, if it doesn't work out, you'll have something to laugh about together.

[Asker]

I think this is something I can let it slide. Besides that drunken confession, he wasn't showing any signs of things lacking in our marriage and we always had a great communication between us. So you can see why I was astonished by what he admitted. During his confession, he admitted his dream at one point was being a Hollywood celebrity and having a chance to go to Dubai. Yeah that's not feasible nor realistic. I guess too much alcohol can make someone talk gibberish.

[jahaims]

Let his actions speak louder than words. Don't punish your husband for being vulnerable.

[Asker]

I'll let it slide because he was also talking gibberish when drunk about his original goals in life was being a famous celebrity and visiting Dubai, definitely out of reality. Besides that drunken confession, there was absolutely nothing indicating that our marriage was ever in trouble, nothing. We always had a great understanding towards each other and good communication. So his drunken moment took me by surprise for a bit.

[kylee2437]

Honestly being, the fact that he admitted that is super strong of him. And honestly if my boyfriend ever presented something like this to me, I would be extremely happy that he loved me enough to the point where he thought my happiness is more important than what he initially wanted in life. That’s usually what happens when you find a partner that you love. I’m sure you can pick something out about something you compromised that you never thought you would compromise but you loved your husband enough to.

[Asker]

That's an optismistic, positive way of looking at this. It hurt a bit what he told me while drunk though. He feels awful now for saying all this and wants to forget that conversation ever happened. The one thing I've compromised is being nice to his mother, despite the fact that she disapproved of me from the start and only tolerates me for my husband and our kids' sake but doesn't truly likes me. I didn't want to break the bonding between him and his mother apart so I'm kind to her even though she fake smiles.

[Asker]

Though my husband did once stood up for me long ago (in our 2nd year of marriage) when he caught her being very disrespectful towards me. He told her to stop and if she didn't, she wouldn't be welcome anymore.

[kylee2437]

@asker he probably feels extremely bad for saying it drunk, who knows if it’s the real truth or not. But I think reality is, is a lot of relationships people end up compromising huge things for people they truly love. I think people being able to do that is a beautiful thing. I think it’s worth forgiving , not only because he was drunk and we tend to say things we really don’t want to say or have no clue what we are saying, but also because I think the fact that he has given you children and is married to you to this way is amazing.

[Asker]

Yeah this is something worth forgiving. I'll let it slide and just tell him not yo drink too much next time.

[Danny_dan92]

Up to you