My drunk husband admitted he only settled for me because his first choice was unavailable. Any advice?

Question

I’m feeling really hurt and confused right now. Last night, my husband got drunk and admitted something that’s been weighing heavily on me. He said that he only "settled" for me because the person he originally wanted to be with was unavailable. This confession came out of nowhere, and I don’t know how to process it. We’ve been married for several years, and I always thought we had a solid, loving relationship. Hearing that I was just a second choice feels like a punch to the gut. I’m questioning everything about our relationship now and wondering if he truly loves me or if I’m just a consolation prize. I haven’t confronted him about it yet, but I don’t know how to move forward from here. Has anyone else experienced something like this? How do you cope with finding out you were never your partner’s first choice?

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

I was married to a girl that pretty much said the same thing to me , that I was just a rebound to her after we been together for many of years , basically saying she never truly loved me , she just thought I was a nice guy , but I wasn't really her type , Her words hit me like a thorn in the side and I lost all respect for her, cuz I thought why would you even marry someone or be with someone you truly don’t want to be with to begin with? so are whole relationship was a lie basically So I eventually separated from her and told her to go find her type because I want to find true love and happiness with someone that actually wants to be with me and wants me , so I kicked her out , on top of other reasons as well. I eventually met another girl that treated me like Gold , made me feel valued and wanted , and appreciated , complete opposite of my wife. It Was the best move I ever made and I am glad with what I chose to do I felt no remorse when I was in bed with that other girl whatsoever , my wife was just a bitch to me , even though she tried getting me back , I told her no fucking way you don’t deserve a guy like me whatsoever , I met a girl that does deserve me. Your husband is a manipulative narcissistic piece of shit person , for saying those words to you , drunk or not, that is fucked up say to someone you want by your side , so he dug his own grave with you , honestly you should really reconsider staying in a marriage with someone that says things like that to you. No longer give him intimacy or affection , and give him a taste of his own medicine , and make him realize how much of an asshole he is , by saying those words to you , I can’t tell you what to do , but if I was you, I would start making my plans to move on and pretty much tell him to Go Fuck himself and tell him his words have destroyed the connection you once shared and start focusing on yourself , tell him the same thing I told my wife , Go find your happiness elsewhere because I am doing the same. If you would like anymore advice , feel free to inbox me

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

This happens a lot more then people think and the unfortunate thing is many of these people are notorious cheaters. Instead of waiting for the right person they want to have a family, they want to have the picture perfect life, they would rather have someone then nobody, and the list goes on. So what do they do? Make someone feel like they genuinely love them just to get married.

Most of these peoples brains don’t function like a normal person they have dark personality traits being narcissistic at best to psychopathic at worst, some may even be dark empaths, the list goes on. Their minds aren’t wired the same as someone who can genuinely love as well as feel genuine empathy. So while you can’t imagine being with someone married that you’re not genuinely in love with their brains have a completely different operating system.

Maybe he never cheated if he isn’t cheating or physically abusive (and assuming you’re not either) if this wants to work it will take a lot of marriage counseling and it will take a lot of open honest communication even if it is brutal.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The only difference between your husband and others is that he actually admitted it to you.

Men rarely don't marry for love. They marry for benefits. Most men seem to actually hate their wives.

We stupid women think because they drop a bunch of kids in us and pay bills they love us.

Theyvmarry for a social image. Most men hate raising kids, hearing them yell or scream. My Dad and my mom's partner were honest to themselves and never wanted to impregnate anyone.

My stepdaughter knocked up a psycho and just paid child support and never dealt with the kid and the woman wasn't trying to let him see him either.

My own dad was and there and there Dad.

I don't know what you should do. The splitting of a family is not a light decision and I don't think this is a reliable place to make such a serious decision.

Ask yourself:

Have I been content up until this point?

Does he communicate well?

Does he treat me well?

Is he just there or does he participate in the family?

It's really hurtful and it was very callous of him to say that to you. This is why alcohol sucks.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well. Usually for most people. Those who they marry. Is NOT their first option or choice.

That goes for the vast majority. Many women settle with a pushover for the same reasons.

So my best advice for you. Would be to get over it. You’re in your feelings right now.
He’s admitting to being pathetic because the one he wants doesn’t want him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So it’s not really on you. It’s his UNDESIRABILITY.
If I were you , I’d cheat on him. Faster than you can say tomorrow. His admission of that would turn me off so hard. And I’d refrain from having any sex with him. Just saying I’d get turned off. And seek someone else. Hopefully someone larger downstairs.
Why tf waste my time with a simpleton who doesn’t like me like that.

SIDE NOTE: This is why I don’t believe in marriage or love. It’s all a scam.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Oh, darling, that's a curveball that would make anyone's heart skip a beat, and not in the exciting, love-at-first-sight kind of way. The feeling of being a second choice can indeed sting like a bee—ouch! But let's put on our dancing shoes and spin this around, shall we?

First things first, confronting him (once he's sober) about his little love confession is a must. You want to understand where these words came from—a place of drunken nonsense or hidden truths? Remember, communication is the sexy salsa dance of relationships; it takes two to tango, after all. Ask him directly how he feels about you and the relationship now. It's about getting to the heart of matters—does he love you and is he dedicated to this partnership?

While you wait for that chat, treat yourself like the main character you are—self-care isn't just for breakups! Then, based on his responses, you might consider couples therapy. It's like having a love coach by your side, guiding you through the rough patches and helping you rediscover your rhythm.

At the end of the day, love, it's about what makes you feel valued and cherished. Everyone deserves to be someone's first choice, but remember, over time, love grows and deepens in ways youthful crushes can't compete with. Flip the script, and let's make this your comeback story. Whether it's with him at your side or on a solo journey to rediscover your sparkle, remember, you're the star of this show. 💖

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V_Injector · Answer

So you got lucky and he settled for you because his other options were not panning out.

Why are you upset? He could've done better but decided you're good enough. Do you not like winning?

Let's say you break up with him because he's better than you. You gonna feel better when he gets with a woman that's better than you? You gonna feel better if he ends up with a chick worse than you? Or... think about this... or, you could just be happy you're the girl that won a prize.

Because you can pass it up and be alone with your cats, boxed wine, depression pills and so on just to watch him move on for better or for worse and neither will help you in the long run. Neither will really make you feel better.

So just be glad you're the winner. You beat a chick that's better than you. You won.

AviatorTom · Answer

Cherish your husband and your relationship. He didn't have to choose you at all, remember that he did and what that means.

abc3643 · Answer

This is a good question and I am not sure of the best way to answer it without coming across as a cold-hearted asshole.

In short, get over it.

OK, that was the asshole in me saying that.

Now for some more level-headed stuff.
In reality, very rarely are we each other's perfect choice for love or marriage - at least, not initially.
Just like loving relationships can come to an end, relationships that don't involve love can evolve into that.

Here's another way of looking at this...

Let's call your husband's "first choice" Ms. Terry.
Now, suppose Ms. Terry was available today and that you weren't married to your husband. What you want to know - TODAY - is if your husband would choose you over Ms. Terry. You might not have been his first choice years ago, but I suspect you'd be his first choice now.

But, even if you weren't, try to take solace from The Rolling Stones who wrote a song about this situation...

Anonymous · Answer

I can understand how hurtful that might be. I don't really have much advice aside from pushing you to have the unfortunately uncomfortable conversation with him about it.

Maybe simply ignoring it might be a viable option and hoping the feeling dissipates with time. But it also might be better to confront the issue head on and deal with it and not let it linger or fester.

That being said, while I don't know to what degree he liked or loved this other girl, it's reasonable to assume that despite being the second option at the time, the love and relationship you two have developed since then could easily trump whatever feelings he had for her back then.

An analogy I might make is "what is the likelihood that there is another man out there that is a better match for you that you would love more than your husband?" It's a high likelihood, right? I mean there's billions if men out there. However, you aren't with that man. You have no experience with that man. You have no love for that man. Frankly, he is a stranger. But you have love for your husband, so does it actually matter that you WOULD have loved the other man more? Because right now you have more love for your husband than that stranger.

And similarly, your husband (likely) may have more love for you now than that girl he would have preferred back then.

That was a bit of a ramble, but I hope I got my point across.

SphynxUK · Answer

I would say, past is past.
If you have a committed, happy relationship, then keep at it. However,
If he never shows support, willing, care, romance, love, compromise etc etc then you need to evaluate things. It doesn’t matter what he does, You need to work out what YOU want and whether YOU are truly happy in this relationship despite what he revealed.
He could be telling you because he feels guilty. Or he could be telling you so that you end things because he hasn’t got the balls to do so himself. You know him better than we do…

snowboarder720 · Answer

Your emotions are completely valid. I hope you are able to ask your husband to clarify this. Whatever you do I don’t think it’s right to suppress this and have it built up.
His original intent may have been to pursue someone else but then found you. I don’t think that’s anything to feel ashamed of. If you and he are happy to have found each other and are happy together now that’s what ultimately matters.
I think there are instances where happy results may not have began with intentions. That really goes for a lot of things and not just relationships.

Anyway I’d ask him to clarify what he meant and hope he feels about that and how he feels about you. This time when he’s not drunk so that it’s not the alcohol speaking.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

Most people are not with the person who was their first choice.

He was drunk and thinking about an idealized version of the other person.

Not going to act like that's not a painful moment in a relationship but you could turn it into something positive. Maybe there are issues he has that he doesn't know how to bring up with you. A person who does this reads to me as someone experiencing guilt. If he feels guilty then he has to care about you.

Many, many studies have shown that in situations like this, what's really going on in his mind is not what meets the eye.

If you want the truth, you're going to have to have a conversation with him when he's in a state of self awareness about his emotions and he feels he can trust you.

SugarSugarplum · Answer

I have a fiance, but I feel like there is some supermodel or movie star out there that he would rather have than me - if she asked him. Maybe there are even more than one.

I don't have to be the best, hottest, wildest woman in the world, just the one he chooses.

Datboi65 · Answer

Confront him about it. Drunken words are conscious thoughts. You deserve to hear the truth.

If you feel like you want to stay given that you spent many years with him already and that he treated you well, then you do. If you feel like you want to leave because you thought your life was a lie, then you can do that as well. Follow your gut, but at least give him a chance to explain himself while sober.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

In a relationship if you think about it everyone settles & everyone has the choice to be single but some choose not to & in your case both of you settled when you two entered into a relationship together. You may have not been his first choice but just remember he chose you & you chose him & that is all that counts.

mobiusforniner · Answer

My wife said the same thing. I was available at the time but she admits I’m not her ideal companion. She said that while sober. I tell her the doors always open and she can go search for better. And she’s laughs “nah, that’s too much work”

Still married. Lol

HighValue · Answer

It is a messed up thing to say to a partner for sure, but what was being discussed that day or recently? Sometimes a person will say something to lash out when a person had recently made them feel bad too. Have the two of you had any disagreements recently?

Also, at your age, if the relationship ends, don't think that you will find a high quality partner that will really value you much so I wouldn't suggest throwing a relationship away over just one comment.

Nik1hil · Answer

He played you,

Men don't compromise.

He is just using that as a way to drag you down from the pedestal that he has to put you on, Upon your requests..

If you begin to think you are too good for him, He come to the risk of Getting Replaced!..

Sugar100 · Answer

I was actually thinking to settle for someone I don’t like , as illl be 27 and never had a boyfriend and I’m ready get married 27-28. The guys I want don’t love me back so I’ll need settle for the guy that wants marry me even tho he’s not my type , he’s not my first choice, it’ll just be to use him to finally settle down , get marriage , everything I always dreamed about in life to come true. Even if I don’t love him back

MicahRaine · Answer

It sucks that he said that, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or that he would go back and change things. He's with you isn't he? And he was apparent drunk enough to say that and didn't mention infidelity so he's probably loyal which should matter 🤷‍♂️

Seangreen · Answer

Well he's really fucking stupid for saying that he should have kept that one to himself whether it was true or not it's not something you say to anybody whether a girl or guy or guy to a girl that shit you keep to yourself or his self I'm not saying you

TurboAnon · Answer

What a piece of shit.

I honestly don't have any advice, but I'll rant for a sec:

Why the hell do people take marriage for granted? Marriage is literally all I want in life, and I see people out here treating it like it's worthless! I would KILL to have a wife, even if I did 'settle'. Pisses me off.

Don't divorce him though. You're married. Marriage is sacred, and is a lifelong commitment.

Surferboi_02 · Answer

Leave his ugly bitch ass. If some one said that to one of my sisters or mother I'd kill them. As a brother and oldest son I will do anything to keep them out of harmful relationships. Don't put up with that or else this g. can take a turn he could get violent and think of you as a piano er will because you didn't do anything about this one thing. This is for the best he doesn't deserve you no matter now drunk he was when he said it.

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

Maybe you two should have a heart-to-heart to settle your differences and re-establish your relationship, though I can only imagine how crushing it must have been to learn that your husband, whom I assume you dearly love, thinks you a consolation prize.

Kelley1 · Answer

What difference does that make? He was not your first choice either. Only movie stars marry their first choice. Everyone else has to settle for who they can get.

EtherealQueen01 · Answer

As sad as it is I think MANY people think this way honestly, but you don’t deserve him saying that to you.
He doesn’t deserve you and I’d seriously think about leaving if it was me, I’d hate to know that, you deserve better and for a man to treat you like #1.

WhitneySnow · Answer

You need to talk this out with him. Find out if he grew to love you even though you weren’t his first choice. This has never happened to me, but that’s my best advice.

red324 · Answer

Well I don't agree with settling for someone, but don't we all have that one that got away? Or that one where we just seemed to like a whole lot more than they did in return? You can't force the one you love to love you back.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Kick him in the nuts and then tell him you settled on them because your first target wasn't available.

supercutebutt · Answer

Divorce him. Marriage is for suckers and you can now sucker him out of half of what he's worth. :)

exitseven · Answer

even though you are anonymous and this is probably a fake my heart breaks a little bit for you.

Open-minded99 · Answer

If you both are happy and obviously married and in love then who cares

Nikki1989 · Answer

Men are notorious for using women.

PatKirby · Answer

News flash. Women say the exact same thing to us men. Sober.

Chelsdope0 · Answer

Detach from him. You either divorce or get him for his money… men never marry for love anyway

Makeushiver · Answer

Find an attorney. Forget any excuses he uses about alcohol though it sounds like he could use rehab

Straight2thepoint · Answer

Damn... that's what my wife said. Then realized life switched on her. So I returned the word with... darling it's cheaper to keep you.

True_Wind · Answer

Being it up when he's sober. He sounds like a prize himself.

Nerdvana · Answer

I am really sorry this happened to you. Any Updates? Have you spoking to him about this yet?

Juxtapose · Answer

Get out of that relationship. He doesn't respect you.

onedarkcloud · Answer

Time to say goodbye before it gets worse now that the cat is out of the bag

Crazzyyworld · Answer

Second choice isn’t the best thing. Watch the movie geisha.

LiamJHayden · Answer

How many get their first choices?

AIexandra · Answer

I would divorce him honestly

DextroShade · Answer

Was he your first choice?

nawtee_me · Answer

Lorena Bobbit maybe?

Jpie555 · Answer

Yeah, tell him adios!

Anonymous · Answer

What happened to his first choice lol

cavedweller1973 · Answer

He sounds like an asshole

jackieistired · Answer

Ouch ouch ouch

jasmine_heree · Answer

break up

My drunk husband admitted he only settled for me because his first choice was unavailable. Any advice?

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