My husband cheated, was it my fault for being each others' first?

[Anonymous]

I didn't catch him nor find out. He came clean about it, admitted to being curious about what it's like being with someone else and felt that he missed out on all his youthful years. I've just turned 40 last week and he's 41.

The issue is I can't even touch him now. It's hard for me to even look at him. People say we don't care about a man's count but it's different in my case. We were both virgins when we met. Now it's like that unique, sacred connection feels tainted and lost forever. That meant so much to me. I even thought it was sweet to be his first and only, just like how he felt towards me.

Or is a man always naturally inclined to have more partners than a woman? Was it my fault/mistake for marrying a man that hasn't had other experience?

[DishLady]

How in the world is HIS cheating YOUR fault? I swear…. Some guys will say things in a way that seems innocent enough, but in doing so they flip the problem so the burden of it lands on their girl, who is then confused into believing that shit is her fault when it’s just NOT.


AT LEAST he came clean, right? Sort of… he’s still saying “Hun, I was bored and curious” and how tf do you fix that?



He’s your first and you’re his — so sweet, like Adam and Eve, and as it really should be so you can grow together as you build your life. So beautiful in theory, and yet in practice the shit tends to hit the fan way too often and — if everyone can stop bsing and get real for a sec — it’s typically for no good reason. (Barring cases of an abusive, toxic spouse that require prompt dissolution of a marriage… most marriages do need CONSTANT work to survive.)


It’s natural that one or both of you might be A LITTLE curious, but then cheating isn’t the answer… and most adults know that.


Also, the key here is your age. 40s-50s … that’s when hormones shift and you’re at the fringes of midlife crisis, wondering where your life has gone…. For some people that leads to impulse shopping, MASSIVE surgeries (don’t do it) and possibly an affair or two. In one instance a guy came out to his wife of 20+ years, so your case is at least potentially resolved with therapy.


You can’t touch him… you feel betrayed… I get it. I’ve been there. But consider who this man is… you know him, you probably have kids together. Give him a good long look and be honest with yourself. So you still love this bum? Is counseling worth it? Does this bum still love you or are his actions those of someone who has fallen out of love with you? If your answer is yes, then go set up your appointments and find a way to forgive him. If the answer is no and some garbage you’ve heard about “body count” over the years, then file for a separation now bc you’re just hedging and trying to rationalize being with someone you don’t love anymore.


Keep in mind that a guy’s WORDS (his outright confession) are more an admission of unresolved guilty feelings he’s experiencing than they are a sign of love or respect for you specifically. You know whether he respects you if his actions match his words, which takes time… and counseling. Remember guys tend to be more “doer”/“fixer” oriented, less chatty, so words alone don’t mean much.


And no… body count isn’t a thing. “Sowing the wild oats” is, but frankly, the fact that you chose each other at a young age… that you’re his bride AND his first chosen “wild oat” is really sexy and wonderful… it’s something to cherish and be proud of.


His cheating… I know how that hurts and that it’s hard to get past the idea… and while he verbally may claim to stop there’s something nagging at you … Will he do this to me again? What’s happening to my life? What should we tell the kids? My God, who else knows? (A million of these are zipping around in your head and heart while you’re making breakfast or doing laundry or just getting through your day…. I know.


And your heart probably lands on the same point every time… A promise is a promise. Period. You promised each other a life together… “till death do us part”. So now I have one question for you. Has his cheating makes the “time of death” of your marriage or are YOU willing to move on with this guy?

[Asker]

I'm back and sorry it took a while to get back. I've been real busy these days. I'm actually planning to separate for the meantime. As much as he confessed out of guilt and he felt I deserved to know, that doesn't take away what he ruined. We had something sacred and he destroyed it. I can't look at him the same. At this point, I really can't guarantee if I'll be able to move on from this and stay with him. I can't. I told him I promise nothing anymore. I don't have that special, unique love anymore.

[Gochogirl]

You are not responsible for someone else's actions. Unless you put a gun to his head and said, "Sleep with another woman or I'll do it."

However, coming clean is a sign that he feels guilty and wants to make up for it. It's up to you to decide how that looks or if it is even possible. Not everyone is the type of person who can recover from that kind of emotional betrayal.

Regardless of whether a man is "naturally inclined" to multiple partners, the fact is you entered an agreement in which neither one of you would seek to do that. He violated that agreement.

Couples' therapy is the most helpful way to find the answer that's right for the both of you. It's very hard to navigate a problem like this alone, especially because it sounds like you've been together for a long time. Go into it with an open mind, but always ALWAYS be honest about your feelings. Don't defend him just because you love him, and don't attack him just because you're angry. Find the truth, and try your hardest to do the least harm along the way.

[Asker]

I'm sorry to reply late. I've been busy these days and honestly more anger and disgust is kicking in at this moment. Even though he confessed out of guilt, he still destroyed our very foundation was built upon, communication, love and trust. I feel as if I can't have love anymore without trust. I'm proceeding with separation at this moment. To be honest, I feel like this is the emotional equivalent of setting someone on fire, scarring them for life and the person having to adjust to the new form of somewhat normalcy but it's never the same ever again. I'm destroyed and I'm been speaking with my friend Adriana for the meantime. I'm not someone that likes involving too many people into this.

[Finchie40]

Sadly people cheat for a lot of selfish reasons , so don’t blame yourself for his actions , especially if you know you been a loving caring wife to him , and you always been open and honest with him , the reason he confessed it to you was because the guilt was eating him alive and it was his way of saying sorry he betrayed you. Understand the ball is now in your court , on what you decide to do , on whether you want to continue being with him or leaving him. Do not assume you have to stay with him , just because he confessed the truth of his selfish actions to you. Being cheated on is a horrible feeling and it’s devastating, sadly it’s only up to you on what you decide to do. Understand you were betrayed by him. , and that’s why it’s hard for you to even want to touch him anymore. I’m sorry to hear that happened to you , sadly it happens to a lot of us , your mind is going to race with so many things as to why he did that to you. When my wife cheated on me , I immediately ended things with her and took some time apart from her and focused on myself as much as I could , she was begging for me back constantly , and I told her No numerous times , so understand the ball is in your court and whatever you choose to do, is up to you , do not let him make those decisions for you , Put your foot down to his ass, and tell him to stay somewhere else for the time being , Do not let him make those decisions for you , Make him suffer the consequences of his actions. If he truly loves you , he will understand and leave. if he can’t leave , then you are best to leave him and stay with a friend or family member Give yourself time to heal , the thing is you might eventually forgive him but you will never forget. So What you choose to do is up to you , if you would like some more advice inbox me , .

[Asker]

So far I'm proceeding towards a separation at this moment, without promise nor guarantee of working it out. I told him that I promise nothing. Just like he broke his marital vows, now I can't promise to continue our marriage. I was initially sad when posting this but by now, more anger and disgust is taking place.

[Asker]

Even though it's better he confessed rather than if I would've found out or caught him, he still destroyed our sacred love and everything we had. I used to look up to him, thought I was lucky to have this traditional love. Now everything is gone... all gone. 20 years of marriage gone.

[Finchie40]

Completely understandable, and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling , and I don’t blame you , I went through the same shit with my ex as well , and separated from her. So planting your foot down and not tolerating his shit , is the best thing for you to do for yourself , what you once had , is broken , he chose to betray you and now he will suffer the consequences of his selfish actions and you don’t need to answer to anyone. Only time will help you get through this , so my advice is to focus on yourself and do what makes you happy the best way that you can. I know it’s easier said than done but understand you deserve better than that shit. In time you might forgive him but you will never forget. I can’t tell you what to do , but my advice is move on from him , never take a cheater back into your life , cuz they will do it again

[Finchie40]

Inbox me if you would like to talk more about it , I pretty much experienced the same thing as you with my wife of 15 years that decided to be selfish and destroyed our family

[ChiTown33]

No! Not for that.

You could be guilty of not meeting his every need. And I'm not going to lie to you and say a guy doesn't reach an age and feels like he lost something. Something that he thinks a younger woman might give him back. But that's in HIS HEAD! As a guy you don't throw away a good partner of many years for some midlife crisis unless you're a doofus.

I concur with your feelings of something lost here. That would make it all feel broken to me as well. Especially since being boths first an only is so rare these days. I've said a hundred times this is not something I'd be able to get past. I'm a little curious if that is your take or not.

But no, don't even think for a second that it's natural for a man to have more partners than a woman. Maybe in a biological sense. In the animal kingdom this is acceptable. But it's also acceptable for animals to relieve themselves whenever, wherever as well. And we as a species don't do that! Besides there are several species of animals that mate for life. So the reverse is also true. What he did is not excusable. It's arguably is explainable but not excusable.

[Asker]

My feelings changed from sadness when posting this to total anger and more disgust. So what I'm doing is proceeding with a separation and no promises of working it out. I can't promise anything by now. I feel as if I can't work this out. What will couple counseling even do? Tell me to eventually get over it? Why should I go to couple counseling or therapy if I didn't mistreat him, there was communication during our marriage (or I thought so) and I thought there was love and trust. Going to counseling or therapy would feel as if I have to fix his own mess, what he destroyed.

[Caroline91]

The reason to go to therapy whether it is couple or individual is to help you sort things out for yourself as you go through this process with the help of ann objective, experienced professional. They can help guide you in making the best decisions for yourself regardless of which path you ultimately take and help you avoid common pitfalls. I hope you’ve will avail yourself of that resource.

[Summeroflove]

Look. He’s responsible for his own actions and I’m sorry. You need to divorce. If you been nothing but loyal and even thinking about another man sexually and/or romantically disgusts you. Then he shouldn’t have done this to you. You’re a gem and you deserve better.

It hurts and I know denial is a bitch. Thinking you can work through this only for it to happen again later on or worse yet. You cheat yourself. Which would make you just as bad as he is

[Asker]

Nope I can't even look at him anymore. So much anger, so much disgust is taking over. When I first posted this, I was overwhelmed by sadness when he confessed. Now it's really kicking him, everything, his introduction with the other woman, the flirting that must've taken place before, the meeting up with her at her house, the giving up our sacred love, destroying everything. I'm separating this week.

[Summeroflove]

Yes asker your feelings are completely valid and I completely understand. At first you go into denial. This didn’t happen…. And if it did happen there had to be a reason.

Look. He cheated. It is NOT your fault he cheated. If he isn’t happy he should have been a bigger person and ended things. I always tell people cheated on that the other person chose to do what they did. Especially if you were nothing but loyal.

You need to remove yourself from the situation be the bigger person I would be extremely angry too. You don’t want to do something that’s going to come back and hurt you in the end. If you need to stay with a family member or a friend for a while that’s completely understandable.

Do things through the courts. Document that he cheated and everything that he did. Fight for it there and get a good lawyer and fight it hard.

[Summeroflove]

Look. You loved this man you have a good heart. It hurts and if it didn’t hurt I would think you’re heartless. But being angry and disgusted. That he could betray you so deeply. That he was having sex with you after he’s been inside another woman is absolutely disgusting.

I think someday you’ll be able to forgive him and feel sorry for him. NOT to allow him back into your life. But to move on peacefully and find someone who genuinely makes you happy. Maybe he will grow and learn. Maybe he will reap what he’s done later on in life. At that point he won’t be your concern anymore. He’s going to see his maker one of these days.

But for the time being. You may need to get some mental health support. You should feel angry and disgusted. Because what he did was extremely disgusting on every level.

Cheating on someone is DESTRUCTIVE. Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually especially.

[Asker]

He completely destroyed me indeed. I really have no documents nor proof about his cheating, except his confession. I didn't even recorded him because well it was so unexpected. Never in a million years would think he would admit to such a devastating thing. I'm spending time with my supportive friend Adriana. To be honest, I'm not the type that's into exposing him on social medias and telling everything what happened. I wouldn't want too many people involved in my problem. I might start individual counseling... just for myself to help me move on from this.

[Summeroflove]

Asker at least he admitted it. So many people take cheating to their GRAVE. At least you know now and can find better.

It’s hard and he did destroy you. A lot of people don’t know how devastating it is in every way to be cheated on. Especially when they drop the news on you like a bomb.

[Summeroflove]

Sometimes friends who genuinely care can help more then a professional whose just trying to make money. It can take time to find someone worth their salt.

But absolutely you deserve the help you need. Also you can possibly get a lawyer and talk about a despoliation. He deserves nothing.

I hope someday you find someone amazing. And don’t take men rejecting you for being a single mom personally. Some men aren’t judging you…. It’s just not something they’re ready for. Having kids long term. Especially saying the morals of who I assume is soon to be your ex husband.

I don’t trust cheaters at all. Maybe he will do the right thing and be a good dad. But when someone cheats I can only imagine what else they would do.

Finding someone who will love both you and your kids is important. Also…. The people who do judge your. Don’t know your situation and be glad they don’t want to be in your life. People like that drag you down

[Summeroflove]

But that’s advice for later. It may take you time to be ready to move on. Maybe you’re happy being single the rest of your life. That’s up to you.

But finding a good professional for your own healing. Is important. Also having good friends when you’re at a low point in life.

People try to be strong for their kids, family, themselves, etc. But that only makes the problem worse stuffing it down. You deserve this time to grieve.

[Summeroflove]

Also you’re right. Some people aren’t worth exposing like that. It gives the narcissists attention and they THRIVE off that. Then they start bashing you. The smear campaigns start.

If he goes and slanders you first. That’s another story. But yeah I completely understand and glad you’re being mature about it. Peoples feelings sometimes take over and the do that. It opens the doors to a mess.

[OlderAndWiser]

Cheating is never the fault of the victim.

He decided that the desire to experience another woman was more important than keeping his promise to you, and he didn't walk away from temptation. It's his fault.

You could ask him if it's okay for you to find another guy and have sex, but that really wouldn't make you feel better, would it?

[SugarSugarplum]

You sure toss around the word NEVER easily. I can imagine a wife so mean-spirited, so hen-pecky, so insulting, that a man might reasonably seek another woman on the side.

[Asker]

No it wouldn't make me feel better. Our love and marital vows was so sacred to me. I didn't want another man. I only wanted him. He was my world, my only one and I thought he felt the same towards me being his first and only one. Now everything is gone and I'm going to separate from him.

[kylee2437]

Nope because if it was the other way around, all hell would break loose because he most likely picked you because you were a virgin to begin with also.

[Asker]

I have been sleeping on the couch even since he confessed. I can't even kiss him and don't even feel like talking to him. I feel disgusted.

[Caroline91]

He should be sleeping on the couch. Take you space back.

[Asker]

@Caroline91
I'm now proceeding with a separation

[Caroline91]

Aw. Will you be separating in hopes of working things out?

[Asker]

@Caroline91
Likely not. I'm not promising anything. I just want to be left alone and not speak to him, focusing on myself.

[RingOfFire]

I wouldn't call it your mistake, I would maybe call it your misunderstanding.

I think you are on to it when you asked whether it is natural for a man to have more sexual partners than a woman. The answer is clearly yes.

Men are obviously designed by nature to have many sexual partners. They can produce billions of sperm and impregnate women repeatedly every day without having to worry about getting pregnant. Women have a limited number of eggs, can only get pregnant at a certain time of the month and once they get pregnant it will be at least 9 months before they can get pregnant again. During that time men could theoretically make hundreds of women pregnant.

So nature designed men to impregnate many women. It's part of the natural design for survival of the species. The more pregnant women the more likely the species is to survive and it's a man's job to make sure there are a lot of them.

I think that it is very difficult for most men to conform to this modern fad of monogamy that society pressures them into since they're natural instinct makes them want to do otherwise. Many are able to control their instinct, but many are not.

A woman's view is different. She has to bear the children and take the primary responsibility of raising them especially when they are very young. So she wants a man who's going to stick around because it's a very difficult job. She wants him to be monogamous because if he's having sexual relations with other women there's a bigger chance that he's going to leave her.

These are all natural thoughts.

So I don't think it's "your fault" for having those thoughts since the society you were in pressured you to have them and it fit your natural instinct. But I think you failed to understand a man's natural instincts. And now you are understandably upset trying to reconcile the two after having lived so long without understanding.

Excuse the italics above. I'm on the website on my phone and some of the things on the site don't work right when you use it that way.

[Asker]

There is biological evolution and there is marital vows. By logic if he wasn't going to proceed with ''Till death do you apart'' then he shouldn't have married me. As much as I'm understanding towards the differences in the gender, I don't think I can work this out and actually proceeding with a separation. I had a high admiral for our love but now everything is gone.

[RingOfFire]

I'm in complete agreement that it is morally wrong to make a promise and then not keep it.

I also am not implying that natural physiological design is a valid excuse for immoral behavior.

My comment was simply meant to help shed light on why I think it is difficult for men especially to remain monogamous since I believe they were designed by nature not to be.

And I think there is a heavy conflict between today's understanding of what is moral and immoral in this regard and the natural design of men.

[lightbulb27]

not your fault. there's a lot of corrupting influence in society and people can be selfish.
I think most men desire to spread their seed around, but they have social and personal limits imposed... e. g. considering their wifes feelings and consequences, etc. so it's selfishness and who knows what else. for what it's worth, I know of guys very dedicated and those that left their wife and kids for a "pipe dream". we all make choices and thoe come from a deep sub conscious place.
even great chocolate cake gets 'same ole' after time, so does an amazing sports car. This issue to me is an excuse he has to create more stimulation. to me it says... life is ready for a big change, not just romantically. he's not challenged enough.
I got the feeling you are going to give him the challenge to grow emotionally... or he's going to be a knat hitting a windshield. hopefully he turns in and looks at himself and come out better from this trauma. probably not easy to make lemonaide out of this one...
no wonder not interested, he broke the foundation of trust and you wonder "what do I have now"? confusion...

[Asker]

I've decided to proceed with a separation. Initially when I posted this, I was very emotionally overwhelmed but now it's only anger and disgust I'm experiencing. I haven't hugged him nor kissed him ever since he confessed. I can't even look at him.

[lightbulb27]

my wife went through that before me, wish you best with it. there is new life after "death".

[SugarSugarplum]

This is a marital death spiral.

If you let your completely rational disgust push him away physically and emotionally, he'll do it again out of loneliness and rejection. He'll even consider it your fault as justification.

If you open your arms to him and forgive him, he'll have gotten away with it without paying much of a price, and there will be virtually no barrier to him doing it again.

I'm glad you said nothing about kids.

The only possibility of saving this would be to get in marriage counseling, but I hold low expectations for that helping.

I feel for you. This is not an easy road.

OH! and also. The internet will nearly always say "dump him". The internet loves drama, they are not your friends.

[Asker]

To be honest, I don't even know if I want to save this marriage nor even promise to even stay with him. I'm proceeding with a separation at this moment. Our children are ages 19 (daughter) and 18 (son) and are in college at this moment. Since we've always been a close family, they will likely ask what happened and I'm not going to lie to him. I'm not interested in any counseling nor in speaking to him. I don't think I can recover from this. He broke a major foundating and what our love was about, along with our martial vows. All I'm feeling now is more anger and disgust.

[SugarSugarplum]

If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by going to marriage counselling. I would prefer a religious counsellor as they actually care about marriage, rather than revenge.

[Asker]

I just want to focus on myself at this moment. So I think at best it would be just individual counseling later on for myself.

[SugarSugarplum]

When you're focusing on yourself, don't forget the 80 year old yourself. Focusing on what you want today is not the whole picture.

[Oliverlogan263]

It's definitely not your fault at all, girl. Some guys are just weak and selfish no matter what. Don't blame yourself!

It sounds like y'all got married young and he's probably feeling restless cause he never got to sow his wild oats. But that ain't your problem - he made a commitment to you!

I know it's super hurtful finding out he broke that sacred bond between you. It would hurt me too cause I understand valuing that intimate connection you shared.

The way I see it, you gotta figure out if you can still trust him after this. Broken trust is so hard to rebuild. And don't forget that you deserve someone who honors their promises to you fully.

Take some time to think on if you can get past it. But whatever you choose, you ain't at fault here sis. He is for betraying your love and loyalty. Don't let him make you question yourself - his actions say way more about him than you. Keep your head up, girl! You deserve the whole world.

[Asker]

Omg I can't even look at him. I don't sleep on our bed anymore. I've been sleeping alone on the couch. The level of disgust towards him and hurt has been gone higher at this moment. My mind is fill with disgusting mind movies of him and the other woman, of knowing it's not the innocent, pure love anymore, of knowing someone else had him. I feel like I can't ever make love to him ever again. The image I had feels tainted and forever destroyed.

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, I don't even blame you one bit for feeling that way. What he did was a betrayal on such a deep, intimate level. Of course your mind is going to run wild with haunting thoughts and images. That's a natural part of the grieving process.

For now, do whatever you need to take care of yourself - sleep on the couch, avoid being around him as much as possible while those raw emotions are still so strong. You deserve time and space to process this without having to see his face.

Don't worry about him or his feelings right now. I know that's so hard, but he gave up that right when he chose to destroy the trust and bond you'd built. You have to look out for you.

Have you considered even temporarily separating from him? Being under the same roof might be hindering your ability to heal. Or could you stay with a supportive friend or family member for a bit?

You don't need to rush any permanent decisions yet. But giving yourself physical distance could help create emotional distance too while the pain is still so fresh. Just take it one day at a time sis, and I'm always here if you need support ❤️

[Asker]

I suppose I'll separate for the meantime. Our children (older daughter and younger son) are both 18 and 19 years old, away in college. They're old enough to know what happened if they were to ask. We haven't told them yet but don't mind telling them the truth. I don't like lying. If I tell my parents and older sister, they are going to hate him immediately. I have my best friend Adriana, whom I can rely on. Thank you for your support during this unexpected, hardship in my life.

[Oliverlogan263]

I think separating for a bit is a really good idea. It'll give you both some space to reflect on things and process your emotions without being right in each other's presence. The kids are definitely old enough that you can be honest with them about what's going on if they ask. Family can be complicated though - telling your parents and sister might make things harder in the short term since they'll probably be super pissed at your husband. But it's also good to lean on your best friend Adriana for support during this time, since you need people on your side who you can confide in. Just take things one day at a time like you said. And you can always reach back out if you need someone to listen. I know going through something like this isn't easy, but you seem level-headed about giving yourself time and space right now, which is important for your well-being. I hope the separation gives you both clarity once the raw emotions calm down a bit. You got this!

[Asker]

yes I'm going to take my time and there is no timeframe on that. Frankly, if it leads to a divorce afterwards so beat it. He destroyed it. I told him that I can't promise anything at all now, nothing, no guarantee that we'll reconcile nor if I'll forgive, none.

[Oliverlogan263]

You're so strong for putting your well-being first right now instead of rushing anything. He made this mess and now has to live with the uncertainty of whether things can be salvaged. As they should be - actions have consequences, and he's facing the reality of what he did.

I'm proud of you for not making empty promises just to appease him in the moment. Take all the time and space you need to fully process your feelings without pressure or expectation. Reconciliation has to come from a genuine place of healing on your end when you're ready, not because of any timeline.

If down the road divorce is what allows you to find peace, then so be it. You deserve to choose your own path of recovering from this trauma. Lean on your support system as much as you need to get through each day.

This community is here for you too sis. Keep focusing on self-care - do things that nourish your heart and soul. You've got major strength - you've got this!

[O_Canada]

When you say this:

"People say women... but it's different in my case..."

It contradicts you saying this:

"Or is a man always naturally inclined..."

But that's for @Grim_Adjudicator to judge. I'm here to sing:

Betrayal stings, huh?
Broken vows, shattered land
Innocence lost, love
Trust crumbled, understand

With aching hearts
Promises unwise
Curiosity set him free

Now doubts reside
Is it natural?
Fidelity's guarantee

Keep it in his pants
His choice, not thee
Your fault? Nada
Are men programmed to be
Loyal? Data
Shows diversity

[Asker]

I was sad when first posting this and all over the place, a total mess. Now I'm proceeding with separating from him this week. The amount of anger and disgust is overwhelming. I've lost all my motivation to look at him, hug and kiss him, asked him how was work, prepare meals to him, go outside with him on the weekends, etc.

[O_Canada]

Would you benefit from coping strategies and assistance on how to live on with him after that?

How different would it be if he used a pocket pussy and then confessed it?

If pocket pussies and silicone dolls or even realistically textured PVC inflatable dolls similar naterial to inflatable boats, if fucking them wouldn't make you as upset, does that indicate anything?

Does that mean if he hasn't caught feelings for that bitch, then he hasn't really cheated emotionally?

[hahahmm]

Not your fault that he cheated based on the info you have provided.

The bad news is that some people are cheaters & some aren't. Those who aren't wouldn't cheat even if the best looking woman on earth begged them to! So it's not a good sign. It's like someone telling you they just did hardcore drugs for the first time... but 'trust me, I won't do it again'. And I can guess the reason he didn't talk to you before he had that sex is because he knew you would say, 'no'. So he was acting like a single person... that's not a good fit for a relationship that requires loyalty and trust.

If I'm in your shoes I would separate for a time and see how he reacts. If he basically begs to come back that's a good sign. If he gets cold and distant it's not.

[Asker]

Yes off course I would've said absolutely not if he would've asked if he could have sex with someone else. He mocked our love and our marital vows. I'm actually proceeding with a separation for now without any established timeframe, without any promise nor guarantee of getting back. Perhaps maybe much later on or perhaps I might divorce. One thing for sure is I can't even stand looking at him anymore.

[hahahmm]

Yeah.. the fact he is at risk of losing you may re-adjust his attitude/thinking. But time will tell.

[MikeTheBartender]

As a guy that has slept with over 200 women, I can rest assure and tell you, this was not your fault! He is not the guy you fell in love with and not the guy you married, he turned into a piece of shit. That being said maybe you guys can work through it, but no this was not your fault. It is nothing to do with high number or low number of partners, I used to be a cheater as well, even when I was having sex with lots of women and got serious, it wasn't because I had a low number, it was because I was a piece of shit...

[Asker]

What made you stopped cheating (if you stopped)? Honestly, I haven't forgiven him and think I won't. I'm proceeding with a separation ASAP.

[MikeTheBartender]

Becoming more mature, realizing how I hurt people, having the same happen to me, becoming a better man in all aspects of life really

[Asker]

If you've really changed and haven't cheated on anyone else since, that's a progress. Meanwhile I'll never understand the point of cheating.

[MikeTheBartender]

I was weak and insecure in those days. And of course drugs and alcohol didn't help.

[Grond21]

Don't believe this lie for one second. Being his first was a great gift, and he should never have cheated. Being curious about being with another woman shouldn't even have been a fantasy he gave one second of attention to. I am a virgin and waiting for my wife, and I cannot wait to share that gift of sexual connection with her and only her. Your feelings are perfectly valid, and don't ever let some stupid red pill how come mentality infect the gift of what you had and twist it as if it was something destructive when it was beautiful

[Asker]

I'm glad you're waiting for your wife. It's a beautiful gift that only happens once in a lifetime and he destroyed everything. Can't you imagine what he destroyed, 2 years of dating and 20 years of marriage.. All gone in the blink of an eye.

[Grond21]

I can imagine it. It's horrific, sad, and is one of the most profound ways someone can betray someone else.
What are you going to do now?

[Asker]

I'm separating from him and focusing on myself and my hobbies. Our 2 children are away in college.

[Grond21]

Does that mean divorce? Or a temporary separation?

[Caroline91]

@gochogirl 's thoughts are so spot on. Please pay attention to every word she said. No one could have said it better. One woman to another, my heart goes out to you. The only thing I would add is don't vent to family and friends. This is between you and your husband. Do your venting in therapy, where it is confidential. You will get through this.

[Asker]

Separation is all I have in mind at this moment. I can't even stand looking at him.

[Caroline91]

I understand. Therapy for yourself is still helpful. Maybe consider it?

[Alli112]

Nope, he's just an ass for cheating. Let's be real, there are women that get that "curiosity" too (aka it's not a "male" thing), but he made an active choice to cheat behind your back rather than find a different solution to his emotional problems. His choice through and through, so don't you ever try to blame yourself.

[Asker]

Thank you. I've been overwhelmed these days and I wasn't thinking clearly. I'll be separating and made no promises of any reconciliation. I believe there is nothing to reconcile. He destroyed our unique love we had.

[meepmeeperton]

No, It’s not your fault. Being each others first is a very romantic and beautiful thing. It shouldn’t matter that he didn’t get to have “fun” or whatever when he was younger because he had you, and what exactly is so fun about just sleeping around with random women anyway?

He ruined a good thing many men wish they could have.

[meepmeeperton]

By the way my girlfriend and I were each other’s first times and we consider it very special. And no, as a man I don’t feel the need to ever have more sexual partners. In fact I find that thought disgusting.

[Asker]

Cherish your girlfriend. I'm glad to hear you both shared a unique love. It's beautful indeed and he destroyed our sacred bonding forever. Honestly, I'm barely speaking to him and have been cooking for myself. I hope he realizes what he ruined, how much he destroyed me, our love, the family we had (luckily are kids are both 18 and 19; in college) and our lifetime vows.
I haven't been sleeping in our bed. I sleep on the couch by myself. I don't want his hugs nor touch anymore. I can't even look at him.

[Universaldance]

Most men and women have super high body counts. Definitely sounds special what you guys have and had.


Not easy to forgive or forget but it has happened. Now how will you move forward with this and talking about other things that the both of you may be curious about?

[Asker]

I'm going to separate from this week ASAP. I was sad when posting this. Anger and disgust is taking over.

[Universaldance]

I can't ever feel the same as you would if I put myself in your position as I haven't walked this earth as a woman but for any person it would be totally understandable. He violated what you guys had, he violated a profound eternal law in a man and woman’s intimacy

It may be hard to find another lover and even have feelings of coming back.. which happens more often than not. His act is unforgivable but If and when that happens what things went good in your relationship that both of you could focus on

[Asker]

It is unforgivable and now all I have is similar to a shattered frame of what used to be something great. I used to consider our history, our love unique and one of a kind that doesn't happen often, only once in a lifestyle. I really thought I would have that image till old age. Now it's like I have nothing to hang on to but our children. They are grown-ups (ages 19 and 18) and in college.

[Universaldance]

Well your heart may be as shattered as the frame but it is still pure. Youve got two amazing kids who Im sure have questions about whats happened. How are you doing today?

[Universaldance]

Can you send me dm

[HighValue]

It was HIS fault completely. Cheating is a choice. Biology doesn't make someone cheat. Not having experiences with others is not an excuse.

Once trust is broken, it can never be fully regained. Whatever you two decide to do, it will never be the same as before.

[Asker]

yeah and that's why I'm going to separate ASAP, this week. Whether we then divorce or not or reconcile, I don't know. I can't even stand looking at him.

[dustybiker2]

It isn't your fault. He had desires and gave himself permission to try them. It was his choice.

[Asker]

That's 22 years of love (2 years of dating and 20 years of marriage), thrown in the trash, all gone.

[dustybiker2]

Yes. He was probably keeping those feeling inside that long and it was just floodgates.. Would it have been better to speak up sooner? Or to attempt to ignore those feelings with this same result? I don't know which is more painful.

[Asker]

If he would've spoken up about it instead of cheating then we would be navigating help ways to solve it without cheating.

[dustybiker2]

That is true

[IslaTheWitch]

no... he just cheated, he made this decision to break trust you had between you and it's NORMAL that you can't look at him... it hurts AF...

for me, from cheating there is no return...

[Asker]

I'm going to separate from him. If my children (ages 19 and 18) asked, I'll tell them as it is. They're now over the age so therefore old enough to know why we're separating. That being said, I wouldn't want them to cut contact with their father. They can still have a good relationship with their father.

[Anonymous]

he didn't care that you were each others both. because if he did, he'd keep it that way. i'd divorce.

[Asker]

I'm proceeding with the separation. If our children ask about it (19 year-old daughter and 18 year-old son) then I'll tell them what is it, that we're separating because their father cheated, nothing else. I think they're old enough to know and understand.

[Opinion Owner]

that's a good step!

[Ladsin2]

No, and I don’t believe him if you’re correctly explaining his position. Men are always prone to cheating because we have different sex drives and view sex differently for biological reasons. I doubt he feels put out for not experimenting in his youth though. Likely something more deep rooted. Either midlife crisis more generally or some deeper issues with the relationship.

[Asker]

He explained it was really because we got married young, had kids shortly afterwards and that suddenly this year, he felt this was his only chance of reclaiming back his youthful years he missed out and he knew that if he had asked for a hall pass or open marriage my answer would've been absolutely not so he cheated instead.

[Ladsin2]

Yeah, so it was more about lost youth rather than being monogamous. Some counseling may be good for y’all going forward to address the root of that issue.

[Asker]

I'm actually going to separate. I can't stand looking at him at this moment.

[Ladsin2]

If that’s what you’ve got to do.

[loveisbeautyful]

Nope. He's just being a typical man which doesn't exist his behavior. Men are just not so nice or considerate individuals.

[loveisbeautyful]

Excuse his behavior -

[Asker]

Now I'm feeling as if our sacred love and marital vows were nothing but lies. 22 years of live together (2 years of dating and 20 years of marriage) is all gone. Everything destroyed.

[tzdc21]

Uh no it wasn't your fault at all. That was HIS screw up. HE chose to go behind your back. HE chose to cheat. HE chose to betray you. That is all on him, not you.

[Pterodon]

I believe he was telling the truth. After being taken for so long one starts to wonder if they’re still attractive to others. We often flirt to find out but usually that’s as far as it goes and it’s harmless. In this case yes I can see him being curious how other women are sexually. I think it was a curiosity thing more than him having any feelings for her

[Asker]

There is nothing wrong with seeing attractive people but it's the acting out and cheating the issue. Frankly, I don't think I can reconcile at this moment and can't promise anything so I'm separating.

[Kelley1]

It is not your fault but get over it because it is not a big deal. It is natural that a man without more experience would wonder what he missed.

[Asker]

I'm actually going to proceed with a separation. I doubt I'll get over it. He could've communicated about his so called midlife crisis we could've found ways to solve it, without cheating. He broke his marital vows and now I can't promise if I'll stay with him or not. I promise nothing anymore.

[Kelley1]

Unless you are willing to remain single for the remainder of you life, I believe you are making a big mistake. Your are twenty years past your prime and while men will tell you that you are special, they are just being nice. If you and his age and desirability have progressed as average, You cannot replace him with someone as desirable but he can replace you with someone younger and more desirable. That may not be fair but that is the way it is.

[Asker]

You know if there is something I'm not willing to sacrifice, regardless of age is my own self-esteem. I don't feel good at this moment and staying by his side feels forced by now. I didn't sign up to get cheated on. If he wasn't going to keep his marital vows then perhaps we shouldn't have ever married me.
At this moment, I want time for myself. I don't want to speak to him. His presence disgusts me.

[Kelley1]

That is your right so, if your exercise it, he may decide to divorce you. Then, after the property settlement, likely he will marry someone younger. You will have your self-esteem but you will not have a husband.

[Alwayreckles93]

Not your fault at all he had a choice to rejected that individual and say hey I'm married me get out. He is a grown old ass men he isn't no college boy. You must divorced him what he did is unforgettable. Find a lawyer divorce.

[DryGermanGuy]

I can relate to that feeling a little bit. When the wife of my best friend cheated on him, I couldn't look at her, talk to her or even be in the same room with her. She made me sick. :-(

[Asker]

I'm sorry to hear that. How is your friend doing that? Did they separate or stay?

[DryGermanGuy]

They separated and divorced as few years ago, which was for the best. She really did a number on my friend and his mental health. But now he is happy in a new relationship again with a really nice and sensible woman.

[Asker]

That's good to hear that he found love again. As for now, all I'm thinking about is proceeding with a separation. I don't even cook anything for him anymore; only cook for myself. I still can't stand looking at him.

[bowenw]

It's not your fault. Some people cheat. You and him have to figure out the path forward for your own circumstances. That may mean a divorce. It may mean trying to save the marriage with the help of counseling.

[Asker]

I'm so disgusted and hurt that I can't even look at him anymore. I've been sleeping on the couch ever since he confessed.

[LazerBean]

Sadly he probably was always a hoe at heart and you Just happened to marry him before he could act on it.

[Asker]

This is sad. So he kept acting like a family oriented, serious man for so long. That's a total of 22 years (2 years of dating and 20 years of marriage), all gone. Our unique first time moment, our history, our love, our family, everything gone.

[LazerBean]

It is definitely sad, but in reality those numbers are not correct. You can take how long ago he cheated on you and subtract by the 5 or 10 years that he's been considering cheating and working himself up to actually doing it. And that's if he's actually telling the truth about the details.

[justabuddy]

You should never blame yourself for someone cheating on you.

[MK1997]

Yes you should

[Asker]

I can't even stand looking at him and will be separating this week, ASAP.

[thatshydork]

Him being an asshole and cheating is in absolutely no way your fault at all. Don’t let yourself believe that because it’s simply not true.

[Asker]

I'm going to separate from him. If my kids (ages 19 and 18) ask, they'll know it's because he cheated. I think they're old enough to know and understand.

[thatshydork]

Good. I mean, I’m sorry that he cheated of course, but I’m glad that you’re leaving him. You deserve better then a cheater.

[Berethor]

True monogamy is being first and only, he ruined it.

[Asker]

yeah and now I can't even look at him anymore. No amount of marriage counseling nor therapy will ever make me get over it. I'm going to separate from him.

[MicahRaine]

Nope.

He cheated and that's on him. If he wanted to play around, he shouldn't have gotten married. He knew what he was doing.

[Asker]

My mind is now playing disgusting mind movies of how that fateful day he cheated might have happened, the meeting and flirting with the other woman while still having his wedding ring, the exchanging numbers, the attention and sweet words given to her, going to her house and him throwing away everything we had.

[BonzoInBitburg]

Not at all your fault. He's responsible for his own actions

[Asker]

I'm so disgusted that I can't even look at him anymore.

[genericname85]

him cheating isn't your fault. don't do more damage to yourself than he already did. focus on lerning how to trust another person after this shit happened to you.

[Asker]

I'm going to separate and focus on myself. Our children are 18 and 19 years old, away in college. They are going to ask what happened and I believe they should know it if they ask.

[genericname85]

Good thing they're adults already. It won't fuck them up then.

[Asker]

Yes indeed. Plus they can still speak to their father. If they start hating him, then I'll advice them not to ever cut contact with their father. Whatever happens between us is our problem.

[genericname85]

Yeah especially the divorce will be pain. I'm assuming you're married. But maybe you'll be able to figure it out without lawyers xD

[WhitneySnow]

That was not your fault. He should not have cheated on you.

[Asker]

I thought we had a special, unique and innocent love from old times but now that image is forever destroyed. It meant so much for me at that time.

[WhitneySnow]

That’s terrible! My boyfriend and I were each other’s first too and it would devastate me if he cheated on me.

[Asker]

You have such a beautiful love. I hope he doesn't cheat on you. Honestly I don't know what to do. I can't even look at him anymore.

[HelpfulWoman]

nope.
he was a trashy person. do NOT let him close. he doesn't deserve ANY niceness

[Asker]

I'm proceeding with the separation. I've been cooking for myself. He misses my meals but he can do his own meals.

[avery58]

It's 100% his own fault, nobody forced him to cheat.

[Asker]

Thank you. It took me a while to process this because initially I was just emotionally overwhelmed and sad by his confession. Now I'm feeling more anger and disgust.

[DrPepper12]

you're gaslighting yourself. he's "look what you made me do". You need married counseling or a firm decision its over

[Asker]

Anger and more feelings of disgusting is taking over by now. I'm going to proceed with a separation.

[handsomelad70]

A man wants as many partners as possible (generally;we lads are individuals as are ladies), but his cheating is his fault, not yours. He betrayed you, not vice versa.

[Asker]

The amount of anger and disgust taking over at this moment is so unbearable. It was sadness when I started this post. All I'm thinking about now is a separation ASAP.

[noohair]

This is in no way your fault. I wish I had met a girl and had the experience that your husband had. Missed out, on what, fornication and STD’s? Your feelings are valid. I wish you the best.

[Asker]

Thank you and right now more anger and disgusting is replacing my feelings of sadness when I first posted this. Separating from him ASAP.

[noohair]

Good luck

[OhLongJohnsoning]

It's weird. We tend to want to BE with our first.. but, that's usually not what happens. Why? Because once we find out how good sex really is, we want to do it with everyone, even women do

[Caroline91]

Even women do? That's a pretty blanket statement. Maybe some women do.

[OhLongJohnsoning]

@Caroline91 yes, even women

[Caroline91]

@ohlongjohnsoning As I said SOME women

[OhLongJohnsoning]

@Caroline91 nope

[Caroline91]

@ohlongjohnsoning. Well, I'm sorry to inform you that you will have to take at least one woman out of that category because I'm not going to allow anyone to put me there. But I really can't speak for anyone else. lol

[OhLongJohnsoning]

@Caroline91 righhhtt, and im jesus christ

[Caroline91]

@ohlongjohnsoning Believe what you want to... you're making me laugh because you are just being funny now! But I would really like to see a picture so I would know what Jesus Christ looked like at least!! OMG I would surely like to see that!

[Asker]

Then our marriage was pointless (with the exception of our children, ages 19 and 18) and he shouldn't have gone with the marital vows if he was going to destroy everything years later. I felt as if everything was a lie.

[OhLongJohnsoning]

nowwwww you're getting it

When will people wake up and realize that MARRIAGE IS NOT FUCKING NECESSARY

[Asker]

Well I was really in for the long haul with my marital vows. I was looking forward to remain with him till death but he destroyed his vows. He exited from our marriage by cheating. I didn't. So now I'm not motivated anymore to stay with him. I'm separating soon this week.

[FunkyMonkee]

Sounds to me like he shouldn't have gotten married for another decade or so.

[Asker]

If he wasn't going to be loyal till the end, he shouldn't have propose and proceeded with our marital vows. Now I've decided to separate.

[FunkyMonkee]

Exactly! Why take vows only to break them?

[TracyF]

He's a peice of shit. Sorry to be so honest. Divorce him. That's not something a marriage can forgive.

[Asker]

I'm going to separate from him and spending time on myself. It's likely this will lead to a divorce because frankly, I don't think I can ever get over it.

[rienna888]

no noooo nooo nooo it’s not your fault nooo noooo

[Asker]

thank you
I'm actually more angry and disgusted by now.

[rienna888]

Why?

[Asker]

He destroyed the unique, old-fashioned love we had. I actually found it sweet to be each others' only love and now that's all gone in the blink of an eye. Every time a beautiful song plays out or I see a movie on true love, I won't ever look up to him anymore. That image is broken forever.

[rienna888]

Yeah its truly disgusting what your husband did, did you end up divorcing him or no?

[Asker]

I'm separating from him first and will take time to focus on myself. I'm likely going to divorce him and that's still a process.

[rienna888]

Okay, take your time hun, it's time to be selfish as this man was selfish. And no it's not your fault at all, it might be because it's his first but be the girl that he lost because of his own selfish desires. He shouldn't have gotten married if he was going to cheat, so it's his fault and you deserve half his assets or whatever.

[MacDaddyRico]

Yes, it's all your fault!

Not!

Where do these people come up with these stupid fucking questions?

[Asker]

I was overwhelmingly sad when first posting my situation but now it's all being replaced by anger and more disgust. I'm in the process of separating from him.

[LiamJHayden]

Cheaters are 100% at fault for cheating. You are the victim.

[Asker]

Thank you. I'm separating from him.

[Vegasrunner]

It's only a mistake if you decide to leave him for being a man.

[Asker]

I can't even look at him anymore and only cook for myself. I once admired him, admired our love so now everything is gone.

[Vegasrunner]

@Asker Has he talked about choosing the new girl over you yet?

[Asker]

Nope. He said he regrets ever cheating. I'm still separating.

[Vegasrunner]

@asker You probably just made him the happiest man in the world

[Asker]

Why would anyone be happy about cheating and destroying our marriage, our family, our vows?

[Vegasrunner]

@asker Technically you did that he was just being a man, and if he protected and provided for you this long he's done his job. As he told you he felt as if he "missed out" by sticking w/ one woman in his youth. Little does he know, this is actually his prime for getting woman, and now he's unshackled and single. Do you guys have any kids?

[Asker]

Yes we have two children (19 year-old daughter and 18 year-old son) and they're away in college. If he wants to act single then he can with a divorce. I didn't sign up to get cheated on.

[Vegasrunner]

@asker At least they are grown and hopefully out of the house. He's not acting likes he's single, he's just being a normal healthy man. Was the women older or younger than you?

[DextroShade]

You had best get over it, as it's cold out on these streets.

[Asker]

I don't want to even hug, nor serve him meals nor even look at him. I lost motivation to do all that.

[DextroShade]

Are you prepared to die alone?

[Asker]

Yes I am prepared for everything at this moment.

[DextroShade]

You will likely regret this. There is a reason solitary confinement is the worst punishment in prison.

[Asker]

Why? He stepped out of our marriage, he abandoned our marriage. I didn't.

[Asker]

By cheating, he gave up on our marriage, on our vows. Now it's my turn to throw the towel after he disregarded our long-term commitment.

[DextroShade]

He fucked some other girl, but you are the destroying the family unit, which is much, much worse. You are a terrible person!

[Asker]

He destroyed our vows. Why should I remain by his side?

[DextroShade]

Because, unlike women, a man can love his woman and still fuck another girl. His job is to protect and provide for you, it is your job is to be faithful to him. Men and women are not the same.

[jahaims]

No lol. The cheater is always at fault. Have some self respect and divorce him

[Asker]

The anger, disgust and hurt is getting stronger. At this moment I can't even look at him. I might need to take some time and decide from there. It's highly likely I'll be divorcing him, unfortunately.

[RedInnocent69]

I think it’s natural both ways. But no, it not your fault. 🤗🤗

[Asker]

I'm proceeding with a separation.

[MK1997]

Not in this case it's not your fault.

[Asker]

I'm going to separate from him.

[Bubbasup69]

Want u use me to get even up with him see how he likes it

[Asker]

It'll destroy him and he'll feel exactly what I'm feeling. Yet two wrongs don't make a right. All that will do is lower my own morals and values. I'm going to separate from him.

[RavVid]

I don't see how it is possibly your fault.

[Asker]

True. Now more anger and disgust is taking over.

[RavVid]

I looked back through your responses. I always advocate making important decisions slowly - do make sure it feels right in your gut.

It is a very fundamental breach of trust and always all the more nasty as it is being done by your nearest and dearest.

[supercutebutt]

It sounds like it is your fault. :(

[Asker]

I have no idea what I wrong but now I'm proceeding with a separation.

[supercutebutt]

Getting married was your mistake. Just be single and enjoy your hobbies. :)

[Asker]

The only thing I don't regret out of this marriage are our two children, my 19 year-old daughter and 18 year-old son.

[supercutebutt]

:) :)

[slatyb]

No, you married a cheater.

[Asker]

Sadly. I feel like everything, our whole entire relationship (2 years of dating and 20 years of marriage) and marital vows was a lie.

[slatyb]

I'm sorry, that's a hard realization. But your life is not over. Best wishes for the future.

[Dargil]

Cheating is only the cheater's fault.

[Asker]

I'm so angry at this moment. The amount of anger and disgust is taking place by now.

[shortster]

Nope, he is just a douche.

[Asker]

Thanks

[shortster]

You're welcome

[Sabretooth]

stop it! it ain't your fault.

[Asker]

thanks

[Sabretooth]

did you ignore him? did you abuse him in any way? if not, it ain't your fault. now, it still wouldn't be excused, but, you, you would be largely blamed.

[Asker]

No, never did.

[Anonymous]

Get even with him

[Asker]

Why? I didn't break our marital vows.