Boyfriend has been yelling at me during fights/disagreements, then says I'M the reason he yells. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend had a disagreement yesterday that turned into a really heated fight because he started screaming at me.

It all got started because I had a different opinion than him on something he wanted to do. I didn't agree with it and did not like the idea. I voiced this and shared WHY I felt that way. And that set him off. Big time. He proceeded to yell loudly at me for the next 40 minutes, then left for almost the entire night. I was left feeling very upset and hurt. I get afraid with yelling anyhow because I had an ex who did that all the time. It scares me when he yells. He is A LOT bigger than me for one and already has a deeper voice, so him yelling loudly is absolutely terrifying.

When he came home last night, I kind of steered clear of him and just gave him space. I had NO idea how he felt or what may happen if I said something, so I just stayed super quiet and didn't really say much to him. I wanted to apologize for not agreeing and make sure we were good, but I also didn't want to start stuff again.

Well, this morning, we had round 2. It was ok until he mentioned the thing I did not agree with again. I didn't get "mad", but he knew I still didn't agree. That set him off immediately and he got angry and started yelling again. I tried to talk to him and tell him I didn't want a fight and explained AGAIN why I was against the idea. Then he just huffed and ranted about how all I did was get pissy about things whenever they don't go my way and how I never want to talk until he's "pushed to the limit" and yells at me. That isn't true. Sometimes, I'm SCARED to bring something up because I don't want him getting angry and yelling at me or leaving me. I explained to him some of the worries I had and he just said I should have said something sooner and he wouldn't have yelled at me. It was somewhat better today because he did hug me when I asked for one and he said love you before leaving. But I'm still really sad about this.

Updates

1 y

He started bringing up OLD past stuff too and comparing the past stuff to the current issue. I asked him not to do that because there was no sense or reason in it and we'd already agreed previously NOT to do that and leave the past in the past. I asked him if we could just let this go and move past it. He said obviously not since I still hadn't changed my mind this morning and still disagreed with the idea. He said he had let it go last night and I clearly hadn't.

Updates

1 y

I mentioned he hadn't even apologized yet for his outburst yesterday and he got annoyed and said I should have asked to talk or apologized first. I was waiting. After how angry he was yesterday, I was nervous to say anything once he came home. I didn't want yelled at again. I wanted to wait and see. Then when I was still not in agreement with what he wanted to do today, here comes round 2. He blew up again and blamed me for the yelling. I fear he will break up with me and doesn't actually me.

[Anonymous]

Hard to say honestly. Most people who tell their side of the story do just that, tell their side. So w out hearing his side I couldn’t make a clear assessment. I’d like to know what the disagreement was about? Was it something about your relationship? Political? Sometimes there’s just some people who rub you the wrong way even if you don’t talk to them. You may be in that category. I’m not justifying him yelling at you. At the same time was he really yelling? Or he raised his voice that made you uncomfortable so you took it as yelling? I ask because a lot of what women say is based on their feelings, not so much facts. Has he always been like this? If not what changed? Maybe he’s done w you. A lot of times men put up w a lot of annoying things women do that we let go cause we like them. But once he’s over her those things that would annoy most men start to annoy him too. Maybe he truly is legitimately yelling, in that case he probably needs anger management. It’s possible he’s mad a lot because he doesn’t feel like he’s where he should be in life. Stressed, finances, etc. I yelled before but that was after telling the person the same thing multiple times. Come to find out she was just about her happiness as far as what she wanted. I’ve been w the same person now for 15 years, haven’t had to yell at all. How long have you two been together? Maybe it’s just time for you to move on.

[Asker]

I think he does need anger management. He's gotten mad before over some really petty, small things (not at me or involving me). I would tell him not to get so bent out of shape over such little things. Now, that is turning to ME. Yes, it was 100% yelling. It was not just a raised voice. It was total yelling very loudly. He wouldn't even let me have a say. He just yelled right over me anytime I tried to say something. Eventually, I just stopped and he STILL kept yelling. Then he just decided to leave. He seemed ok when he returned, but the next morning, he did it all again just because I didn't agree.

The argument involved something that would impact our relationship. I didn't agree with one of his decisions and tried to explain WHY I disagreed with it. It just made him mad and made him go off the handle big time. All I was trying to do was share my views so he'd understand why I didn't agree. It didn't work at all. All it did was make a huge problem.

I know he probably isn't happy with his life entirely and feels a little "behind". I've always tried to support him with that and encourage him about positive changes. For a time, it somewhat worked. I had made a lot of progress in helping with some of the things. He made really positive changes and was proud of himself. I was sort of checking them off one by one, starting with smaller, easier things and then working up to bigger things. He ended up going right back to all the negative stuff though, so it made me feel like all that work was for nothing.

I understand YOU can't really change anyone. Only THEY can make the choice to change and stick with it. I guess it just made me sad because I had worked hard to help him. And this fight made me sad because I didn't want a fight. I was just trying to explain my own side.

[Opinion Owner]

So what exactly was your disagreement w in the relationship about? Specifically? I’d like to know that. Like you don’t want kids or something or don’t want to take his last name or live near his parents? Regardless don’t think someone who blow up that bad as you said he did. Sounds as though he has anger issues. He’s always been that way? The both of you work yes?

[Asker]

The disagreement was him wanting to do something that I didn't agree with. No, we both wanted this baby. We talked about it and agreed to it. We did not talk about marriage or anything. Yes, we both work.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok so what was the disagreement about? What did he want to do that you didn’t agree with?

[MisterWack]

“ I explained to him some of the worries I had and he just said I should have said something sooner and he wouldn't have yelled at me. It was somewhat better today because he did hug me when I asked for one and he said love you before leaving.”

Seems like a lack of communication from you and a bad temperament from him, just use your words clearly & better and if it doesn’t come out right try to compromise on it to reduce him from yelling / hurting your feelings. Best wishes.

[Account]

I am gonna give you an analogy. Your house is on fire and instead of escaping, you are just standing there trying to extinguish it by throwing water from a glass.

[DishLady]

What should you do? Leave him. He's gaslighting you to make you feel that his aggression is your fault.

[Asker]

He ended up leaving the entire night the second time, refusing to come home, but still called me. It feels like he is just disrespecting me at this point. He also went and did exactly what he planned without a care in the world for my feelings. He had no remorse, no guilt, nothing. He was perfectly content with it.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the stormy seas of love and disagreement, are we? Let's chart a course. First off, darling, your feelings of fear and sadness are totally valid. Love should feel like a warm hug, not a cold wind. Yelling in a relationship can create an atmosphere of intimidation and mistrinsic, which is no foundation for love to flourish. Remember, communication is key, but it should always be respectful and nurturing.

The blame game he's playing by saying you're the reason he yells is a classic red flag, sweetheart. It's not about who yells louder but about who listens more attentively. It's crucial for both of you to learn healthy ways to express yourselves. Maybe it's time to introduce the idea of couple's therapy? A professional can help steer your ship through troubled waters with strategies for communication that don't involve raising voices.

Ultimately, love, remember your worth. You deserve to be heard, respected, and loved without fear. If the yelling continues despite efforts to address it, it might be time to reconsider if this relationship is the safe harbor you need. Stay true to yourself and never settle for a love that frightens you. 💖

[standardguy]

I don't want to seem like I'm advising you to behave violently, but tell him today that you can't handle him shouting like that. Firstly because it violates your feminine dignity and secondly because you're afraid he'll become brutal and hit you. Tell him that he always has the chance to calmly discuss everything with you, but that the next time he shouts at you, you'll k1ck him in the groin, in self-defense and as a form of discipline. Afterwards, you can talk to him calmly about everything, because you've calmed him down. But he can also decide to talk calmly to you right away; that's his decision.

[spartan55]

Dude, this is terrible advice. If she tries to kick him the groin 'as a form of discipline' all it will do is piss him off further and put her in physical danger. A woman cannot physically discipline a man, that's absurd.

[standardguy]

Sorry but that sounds sort of chauvinist if you say that a woman can't put down a man. I am against violence and especially between the sexes but a kick can make a man reevaluate his behaviour.

[spartan55]

You are being abused verbally right now. Stick around and he will start hitting you. Get away from this dude, he is not safe.

[Asker]

He's joked about hitting me before, but I've never believed he would actually do it. He's never hit me before, but I understand that can change quick, especially if he's in a mood like this.

[spartan55]

Guys don't start beating a woman's ass from day one, it escalates and progresses. Yelling at you is not normal, blaming his behavior on you is not normal. He is an abuser. For your own sake, leave him.

[Asker]

Thank you for the encouragement.

[Lizzardwizzard]

Well the internet won't give you good advice because the internet only sees a big wall of text and ~80% of the time will encourage you to act rashly and or make extreme steps

Go to a couple therapist

The more redflags people go through the more attached they become. This maybe just one of those so dont worry :)

[Makeushiver]

Leave. If he's emotionally abusive no3w, physical abuse is usually following shortly

[DrPepper12]

Its not gonna get better and then it will be "Look what you made me do!

[noohair]

People learn how to fight like this from their parents. I don't know if this is a deal breaker for you. It would be so for me. No communication happens when the yelling starts.

[Asker]

He certainly seems to have anger issues. Everything was perfectly fine with us until this came up and I disagreed. The second I shared a different standpoint; all bets were off, and all hell broke loose. He left the first day but returned that night. The second day, he left that day and never returned the entire night. We have yet to discuss anything further or communicate. It makes me feel very neglected and unappreciated. Like he is only thinking of himself. He isn't caring about me or my feelings. He did exactly what he wanted and did not care how I felt about it. When I disagreed, he resorted to screaming and leaving.

That just leaves me feeling really awful and guilty. Like if I had just left it go and stayed quiet, it wouldn't have happened. It makes me feel like it's my fault he did that because I didn't agree with him and should have just let him do his thing. Then when he takes off, especially for all night, it makes me feel like he doesn't want me and doesn't want to resolve anything. He wants to avoid me. He wants to be away from me. It makes me feel like he doesn't love me and wants to just leave me over this which really hurts a lot.

[noohair]

You can't fix him. The only person you have ant chance of fixing is you. And you have a decision to make. Stay and deal with the yelling, or go.

[noohair]

Good luck.

[turnpost]

Lol you need to be more clear about what your disagreeing with lol

[Anonymous]

That depends, how hot is he?

[Asker]

He's attractive enough lol

[Opinion Owner]

Well, ask yourself, can you do better? If the answer is "no", Well then you have your answer.

[lorenzomichael]

Fucking leave him

[Anonymous]

You should have more sex with him.

[Asker]

I'd love more sex. He never seems interested in it.

[Opinion Owner]

Really that's strange, maybe he's just an asshole. I know I get more aggressive with my girlfriend when I'm pent up, and the anger turns into a lust that is very sensual.

[Asker]

Oh yeah, sexual frustration can definitely cause you to be moody. That's the thing though. I should be moody then! I get disappointed when he don't have sex all that much and on the rare occasion we do, I have to do all the initiation. Yet he wants to be like this with me.

[Opinion Owner]

Is he your age or older than you? I'm pretty young so I still have a really high sex drive. But I think it's normal for men to maintain sex drive into their 30's so I don't know...

It seems to me like he has serious issues in the relationship that might not even be your fault. He should know women don't generally want to initiate sex and enjoy being pursued. And he should want sex in the first place. If he's not fulfilling certain needs for you and then just ragging on you and yelling about nothing he's gonna seriously damage or ruin your relationship.

[Asker]

He's a little younger than me, but only by a year and a half. He did fine before. I don't know what his issue is.

[Asker]

by the way, you may not be all that old, but you're still smart for your age. You're definitely right that he is going to cause serious harm to this relationship. I mean who would enjoy being yelled at like that? Especially all because YOU shared a different view or opinion than they did. I try to simply explain why I feel how I do and that's the reaction I get. A nasty, hurtful outburst of anger. Then I get blamed for the outburst. I get told if I wouldn't let buildup happen by being crabby about everything, he wouldn't get to the breaking point and have to yell at me. Well how is that on ME? What do I do that makes me "crabby" all the time. He says he'll just see it in my face sometimes that I'm mad (even when I hand-to-God AM NOT MAD!)... yet he won't say anything. If he asks if I'm ok or mad or if anything is wrong, I answer. When I say no or I'm ok, I mean that. I will sometimes get annoyed if he keeps pushing, but that's just because I feel like he doesn't believe me for whatever reason. I've said I'm ok/nothing is wrong, yet he keeps asking? Yeah, that makes it feel like he doesn't believe me, so I get annoyed, but I don't YELL or anything.

[Opinion Owner]

Strange, it’s usually the woman in relationships that can’t understand the man is actually fine when he says he’s fine. The whole insisting you’re lying about your emotions is kind of feminine behavior. Not sure what’s going on there.

I learned from my own relationship that women generally get turned off by whiny, feminine or immature kind of behavior from men. And yelling at your girlfriend and just constantly scaring the crap out of her over small stuff is not very mature.

The only time it works out is not even yelling for me—but more like an aggressive angry tone which in the right moment actually turns my girlfriend on and she’ll want me to manhandle her and aggressively initiate sex with her in submissive positions. It turns from an angry thing into a hot thing, which is why my original answer to your question was focused on sex. But it seems like you’d actually want that from him and just aren’t getting it.

Hopefully he gets it together. I’ve been there just digging myself into a deeper hole in my relationship but I had to learn to get my act together.

[Asker]

I hope so too. I don't see how he thinks any of this is helpful for us. Yelling at me and scaring me is just going to make me WANT to close off and avoid talking to him. Why should I talk to him if it'll just breed anger? I want to AVOID angry outbursts. I was so disappointed when it happened TWO days. I thought it was over, but nope. And he said I was the one who drummed it up for today. I didn't. I just voiced that I wasn't happy he was still going through with his plan despite me voicing my concerns about it. It's like my opinions don't matter at all. There's no compromise. There's nothing. It's just him getting mad and yelling at me because he doesn't like that I don't agree with him. That's incredibly immature. I don't like being blamed for everything and being told it's MY fault he yelled at me.

[jahaims]

Dump him