I do all the housework. How can I convince my husband to help me?

Question

My husband works full-time in physically demanding job. I also work full-time as a sales assistant. Most days, I come home and clean the house—dishes, vacuuming, mopping, and general tidying up—. I feel mentally and physically exhausted but keep doing the housework because my husband works so hard. I rarely have time for myself and feel stressed with this routine.

When I ask my husband to do small tasks, like putting his clothes in the basket or deodorant in the drawer, he gets angry and argues that I make him feel like he does nothing to help. I try to ask politely, but it always ends in an argument.

I want a relationship where I can ask for help without feeling like I'll be yelled at. I'm scared thinking my life will always be this way, especially when I imagine having a job, taking care of children, and doing all the housework. What should I do?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If you're doing that routine every day, I think it's more important to start with a different approach to cleaning. This is unreasonable and I've literally never seen this happen once in my entire life. General upkeep on a house without kids takes maybe 30 minutes a day. I've done it for years, and I've always lived in a spotless house. People have always commented on it. Even when my wife is out of town now, it takes me about an hour a day to keep the house spotless. I can mop and vacuum on the weekends. And the kids can clean up after some of their own messes.

If this is an OCD symptom, I'd suggest talking to a professional first. Once you have a healthier perspective on the depth of housework that should be done in a normal home THEN it's time to get the husband to contribute more. Measure out the time you both spend between work and household duties in a typical week, and make sure they are close to even. I say "close" because it's fair to factor in that if he's doing heavy labor in the sun, he's going to be more worn out than if he's taking phone calls in an air conditioned office. This absolutely has to be factored in. And if you guys want to introduce some external help for any of it, then decide on that together.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Look. Maybe you need marriage counseling. You do work a less mentally and physically demanding job. But I get it you work all day yourself. You’re exhausted.

Maybe invest in a cleaning service? That could help. Small tasks are reasonable if both people work.

Maybe if he makes enough you could see if he would be interested in a stay at home mom/houswife relationship. But it’s not as glamorous as it is on television. You do almost all the housework, childcare (yes the father needs to spend time with the kids but most of the work), mowing the lawn, etc. A lot of these relationships fail because some women want a free ride.

But that’s not you. You work your ass off at work and at home. If he does small tasks maybe you’ll do something for him. Does it have to be just sexual? No. But. Find something that works.

If this is the biggest problem in your relationship and you genuinely love one another. No cheating or anything like that. Then this is something you both can probably work though.

Maybe give him a nice massage. He hurts from the demanding labor all day.

CupcakeTheDestroyer · Accepted Answer

If he picks a fight every time it starts, he’s getting overly defensive for whatever reason. You need to make it clear that you’re handling the burden of house care and it’s making you resent him. You both work fulltime, you’re both exhausted, instead of asking him for specific tasks, tell him you want him to provide the solution — either pitching in on his time or paying for a regular cleaning service so neither of you have to worry about it anymore. He can be mad about not helping because he’s right, he doesn’t help enough. Confirm his fears and tell him you’re just as tired as he is whether he wants to admit it or not. You’re not his mother, you’re not dating him to take care of him when he’s a grown man. You’re dating him to find a partner, not a thankless job as a live-in maid. So either he pays for one to take the burden off of both of you or he recognizes that he’s been a manchild and stops.
If the answer ends up being neither, leave. He’s not worth it.

SweetJoyGirl · Accepted Answer

I would say talk to him about it in a calm manner, in order not to set him off. Truly, though, what are the odds he will listen?

Perhaps, consider taking a two week vacation. Go visit your family and leave him to fend for himself while you are gone. I mean, you are not living in a traditional manner with him, so he will be alright.

If you come back to a dirty house, just quietly unpacking your things, walk to the room, and sleep.

Go to work the next day, come back, and don’t do anything. If he asks about it, just say this phrase…

”We should consider couples counseling.”

Then, walk away quietly. 😌

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Navigating the choppy waters of household chores can be quite the adventure in any relationship! 💑 It's like you're both dancing to a song, but somehow you've ended up doing all the steps while your partner enjoys the show. To change the routine, consider setting the stage for a calm, heart-to-heart conversation. Choose a moment when you're both relaxed—perhaps after a nice meal or during a quiet evening. Share your feelings without pointing the finger, using "I feel" statements instead of "you never." It's all about teamwork, so suggest creating a list of chores together and dividing them up. Maybe even add a little twist: for every task completed, there's a reward for both of you. 🏆 The goal isn't just to lighten your load but to enhance your harmony at home. Remember, it's not about making him dance to your tune but finding a rhythm that works for both of you. Love needs maintenance, just like your living space! Keep the vibe positive and flirty, and you might just find yourselves co-choreographing a happier, cleaner life together.

Finchie40 · Answer

First off , your husband shouldn’t be getting mad at you for asking him to clean up his shit , you are not his slave. second your husband should be helping with those chores as much as possible , I understand he works longer than you but he should still have a list of chores that is his responsibility. Third , No longer kill your self with house chores , take - day or 2 tor yourself , have a sit down talk with your husband and tell him you are overwhelmed and you need some help make a list of chores together and make it both your own responsibilities you should be working as a team , not against each other , Do you both have any days off together? If so take does days off from cleaning and the both of you relax and unwind , , if he doesn’t compromise with you or step up , no longer do any of his chores for him , you are not his slave. So the best thing to do is write down what chores need completed on a weekly basis and compromise with each other. Without killing yourselves.

XHopelessRomanticX · Answer

Go on strike. Just stop doing everything and let the chores pile up. Do your own laundry, wash your own dishes, cook your own meals. Don’t pick up after him. He may not fully grasp how much you are doing until he actually  sees  how much you are doing.

DishLady · Answer

You can split up a few of the chores and give him the ones you're not particularly OCD about. That's not too much to ask.

Anonymous · Answer

Why don't women do yardwork? And why don't they do house maintenance?

I actually DO do housework, and yard work, and a lot of other shit my wife doesn't do that's not on your bullshit short feminist list of "housework", and I don't know any men who don't share at least equally in the responsibilities in a marriage or relationship. I know more men than women who can actually cook a good meal because women can't fucking cook anymore because their mothers felt it was too demeaning for woman to cook so they didn't teach their daughters shit.

As a man, I'm tired of the bullshit you feminists spout about men not pulling their weight when you ONLY consider the categories of work women have traditionally done. You women have become so entitled and victim-minded that you've turned your backs on everything that woman do to bring value to a man's life except for sex and procreation.

When you women start pulling YOUR own weight with things like yard work, home maintenance, vehicle maintenance, managing finances and heavy labor around the home, or at least learning how to fucking cook again, you can quit whining and shut the fuck up and at least do some fucking laundry without complaining about it. Your biased gender propaganda is doing more harm than good.

golden · Answer

Highlighting the benefits of sharing housework and communicating openly are essential strategies for fostering cooperation. Start by discussing the tangible advantages: a balanced division of labor reduces stress and prevents burnout, leading to a happier, more relaxed atmosphere at home. Additionally, sharing chores frees up time for both partners to enjoy together, enhancing your relationship and creating opportunities for mutual appreciation. When you sit down to talk, express your feelings and needs openly, using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when I handle all the housework alone," to convey your emotions without blame. Encourage your husband to share his perspective and listen actively to understand his viewpoint. Open communication fosters empathy and collaboration, making it easier to reach a mutual agreement on dividing household tasks. By emphasizing the positive outcomes and maintaining an open dialogue, you can create a more balanced and harmonious home life.

fabio · Answer

Setting a schedule for household chores can transform how responsibilities are managed. By establishing a clear and consistent routine, both partners know exactly what needs to be done and when. This reduces confusion and ensures that tasks are fairly distributed. A well-defined schedule helps in balancing the workload, preventing any one person from feeling overwhelmed. It also promotes accountability, as each person is aware of their duties. Regularly reviewing and adjusting the schedule can accommodate changing circumstances and preferences. Ultimately, a structured approach fosters a more harmonious and cooperative home environment, making housework more manageable and less stressful.

circle · Answer

Starting small and encouraging your husband to help with housework can make a significant difference. Begin by assigning him manageable tasks, like taking out the trash or loading the dishwasher. Gradually increase his responsibilities as he becomes more comfortable. It's essential to show appreciation for his efforts, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement, like thanking him or acknowledging his contributions, can motivate him to continue helping. Over time, as he feels valued and recognized, he's likely to take on more tasks willingly, leading to a more balanced sharing of household duties and a stronger, more cooperative relationship.

Anonymous · Answer

I can see why this may be an issue, especially if you have kids. Do you guys have kids? If not I don’t think it’s as hard as you make it sound. Two grown adults who are probably at work 80% of the time, maybe more shouldn’t have much of a mess to clean up. People who bring up these types of questions make it sound like this is a daily thing, the floors are dirty everyday, there’s piles of laundry, dirty dishes, etc. Unless you two are just dirty, I don’t see how this can be an everyday thing. Exactly what kind of job does he do?

lightbulb27 · Answer

not sure, you don't deserve that treatment. if you are asking nicely, he shouldn't respond with defensiveness.

my guess is you will have to give him back what he is giving in tone and energy else he won't hear. and then argue about how you shouldn't have to raise your voice. I can only guess this is what he saw growing up and so he's creating the same dynamic.

you could have him do his part of cleaning... working together. if he doesn't like it, he can make adjustments.

dustybiker2 · Answer

Being exhausted isn't helping how you ask either I'm betting. Make a chart for chores as you would children. Mark who does what and rotated them each week. It will show him how much work doing everything is.
Either that or stop cleaning all together to make a point. Depends how stubborn he is. If he didn't pitch in I'd be out.

HelpfulWoman · Answer

if he's busy getting arsey. then STOP doing all the chores.
you'll see pretty quickly whether he's actually an arsehole like he's acting like... or whether he can pick up slack.
You being yelled at shows he's an arsehole either way. sounds like divorce bells will ring soonish with his attitude. you picked a wrong 'un. it happens

HawkPerception · Answer

Yikes you got married to that guy? This is why filtering before getting married is extremely important. You're both working and he can't expect you to be doing all the housework as well even if his job is more physically demanding than yours.

Doesn't sound like he's going to change anytime soon. And I think a girl deserves more than to mother a guy like that.

Watch The Breakup. You may be able to relate quite a bit.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

set up boundaries, create a list who does what, do you won't have to ask him, and don't do his tasks... let things be in the wrong place or whatever... you let him do nothing, so now returning to normal will be painful...

exitseven · Answer

I was going to give a wisecrack about this but I can see this is a serious issue, Explain your issues just they way you explained them here. You are not really asking him to do anything extra, you are just asking him to be considerate and not create more work for you.

Nikki1989 · Answer

My husband helps with house and yard work despite working 60 hours a week. Your man should be able to step up.

OhLongJohnsoning · Answer

Stop doing them. I mean, it's going to come a point where you're like, i don't want to do this ALL anymore, and you're going to be saying to him "im not doing this anymore, until you do it"

Whenever that day comes, you'll continue to do it all

EmmaMary · Answer

You seriously need to get it into his thick head that you are not his mother... Insist that he grows up and starts acting his age.

jahaims · Answer

You didn't mention kids. Do you guys have kids? If not there shouldn't be much to clean if you both are at work all day. You shouldn't have to mop, vacuum, etc. daily in that circumstance. Either way he should be helping. Try communicating with him.

dreamstar72 · Answer

Go on strike and tell him, “like in a job or a relationship there can NOT be an inequality in any workforce. So please do your share and help me do some of the household chores”.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

You both work.. so tell him, either he helps you around the house, or neither of you will do it and you'll get a cleaner in instead!

Likes2drive · Answer

Just clean your stuff and leave his , he will realize how much you do without saying anything, you shouldn’t be afraid of him, you’re not asking for much, seems like he needs training he never had as a kid

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

If your husband can't put dirty clothes in a basket or a
deodorant in a drawer then he's just disorganized and kinda dirty.

Since both you work best to hire a maid to come clean the house once a week.

katiesmuff · Answer

I can't see things getting any better with this guy!

bowenw · Answer

I suggest next time you do the laundry to put your stuff in a suitcase and leave.

Jersey2 · Answer

He won’t change that much. Either accept that or more on.

Cheerfull009 · Answer

You continue convincing, but politely, surely, one day , he will realize

Danisa · Answer

A bit daft this wasn't discussed before marriage.

CieloAzul · Answer

Don’t do the housework

Danny_dan92 · Answer

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