I’ve been a girlfriend for 7yrs. Am I wasting time?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7yrs. I was a bad girlfriend for the first couple of years. I come from a destructive family and I was very damaged. Along the way I made mistakes and cheated. I have done my best to repair the damage since then. I’ve been more faithful to my religion and have been doing my best to be a better person overall. My boyfriend has a 9 year old son and I’ve been in his life since he was 2. Now that I am doing my best to be a better partner, I’ve made sure our home feels like a home. I cook, clean, and do all other duties that a housewife should do. I’m more involved with his son and try to do fun stuff with him by bringing him around my own family. A year ago I asked my boyfriend if marriage was now a possibility and he said yes. We both mutually agreed that we would either finally marry at the end of the year, or if we felt that it wouldn’t be possible then we would just break it off. Well the time has came up. We had a discussion again a while ago and now he wants to act like he would need another year. After arguing I realized he still feels hurt by the past. He says that he’s not sure that he can make that huge commitment right now. At this point I am not sure how to feel. I know I wasn’t good to him in the beginning but I genuinely feel in my heart that I have been a better woman to him. I’m not sure if I should end it because this relationship is very damaged now or if I need to wait for him to be ready since I’m the one that caused him so much hurt. I feel very confused and don’t know what the right thing to do is. I’m afraid he might never be able to get over the past.

[FunkyMonkee]

Sounds like you, at least, still have a chance. I should've bailed about half way through my decade long relationship but, I just figured she was just going through a phase and would come out of it before long and I really loved what we had together.
I feel like I DID waste my time with her, at least the last 5 years. It seemed as though we were still very much in love with each other the entire time but, for at least the last year or two, she'd been cheating on me.
From the middle of year 3 she stopped fucking me for a while. Half a year later, we fucked again and I got no more for a full year. And that was the last I've ever had (29 years ago). Around year 5, I was sitting with her on a bus with my arm around her and she said not to do that because it showed ownership!! The same with holding hands or kissing in public! I SHOULD'VE dropped her chubby little ass right then and there!! Especially since I asked her to marry me in year 2 and she said, "yes" and then, a few months later, I mentioned it to someone from my band and she immediately said, "I never said, yes!"
As for your relationship, I completely understand what you mean and you CAN'T FORCE him to marry you but, at the same time, none of us are getting any younger. How do you feel about him? Is he worth waiting a bit longer for? Maybe a temporary separation is needed. Not so either of you can go fuck around with others, just to give him a chance to evaluate how much he needs you. Right now, he's GOT you. He's quite happy with the arrangement, right? Give him some time without you. See how he fares without you in his life for a while. Maybe you can even frame it as just a vacation, a trip you need to take to some other country or at least another part of this country for a couple weeks. It might help him make the decision FOR him without actually forcing him or making it an ultimatum.
If you have something and you've grown used to it being there, and then it gets taken away for a while, your need/want of it will usually increase.

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, this is such a tough situation. On the one hand, you've come so far in improving yourself and being a good partner. It seems like you've really put in the work.

At the same time, I get why your past mistakes would still cause him hurt and make that level of commitment scary. Seven years is a long time to carry that baggage. He likely needs more time and reassurance.

Personally, I think you have two options:

1) Give him the extra year like he asked, but protect your heart. Make it clear you can't wait forever in limbo. Use this time to keep showing how steadfast you are. Hopefully he comes around.

2) Have another talk, lay it all out there, and see where his heart truly is. If he still can't commit, you have your answer. It may be time to let go so you both can find happiness.

Either way, don't feel bad about standing up for yourself. You deserve clarity and to not waste your best years on empty promises. Have courage and trust your growth - you've come so far already. This decision is for your future, so go with your gut! You've got this.

[Staximus]

Why do so many of your answers read like a computer generated answer?

[Oliverlogan263]

@Staximus the way I detailed them is why man. Don’t worry about it man

[Ms_Facesitter]

Two choices. You're one of the very few cheaters who changed their ways. Great job to you. And he is one of the very few people to take a cheater back. Cheating in a relationship is like the number one rule break when it comes to a relationship, so cheating on him left a very significant blow. The more you care about a person, the harder that will hit and it's not a thing that can be forgotten. On top of that the divorce rates are very high and with a past in cheating, I can understand his concern completely. It can be forgiven though.

Two options for you is to stay with him, how important is marriage really, you are already together for 7 years that's very impressive. You've both been through much together. Option one is to stay and keep doing what you're doing, stay good, keep improving, be good to him.

Option two is well ending things, which is in my opinion very unfortunate because you've been together that long. Will probably be sad for the kid as well. You're important in his life. But marriage is one of those things that's to be discussed before getting together, which you two did. Unfortunately you two put a date on that marriage and life doesn't always work that way. "How many dates does it get to get official?" I have no number for that, it depends on how well those dates go, right?

Two options for him.

He either ends things, because if he really can't get over it, then why stay together? Trust is very important for a marriage. But like I said, a huge rule was broken and with so many divorces, would he be willing to take that chance with a cheater?

The other option... He took you back and you've now been together for SEVEN YEARS. And he still hasn't forgiven you? How can you stay under the same roof with a person you don't trust? Maybe he has forgiven you but the pressure of that date brought up memories. I don't know, it's complicated. He needs to fight this demon.

[Vesuvius87]

He's still hurt about the past and at this point you're just the girlfriend he has fun with but doesn't trust you enough to make a lifetime commitment. If you want marriage (even with those past hardships), then he'll never give you that. Both of you are wasting time. Move on, start with someone new and don't cheat ever again.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, love and redemption, a tale as old as time! First off, major props to you for recognizing your part in the past and working diligently to mend the wounds and transform into a better partner and person. That's no small feat, and it's the kind of character development rom-coms rave about.

Now, onto the spicy and slightly heartbreaking part of your saga: the waiting game. It's like waiting for the next season of your favorite show, but the release date keeps getting pushed back. You've shown tremendous growth and commitment, and it's natural to yearn for that next step, especially after a seven-year marathon. Your feelings are valid, darling.

However, the plot twist here is understanding and empathy—yes, even though you're the one feeling left in the proposal waiting room. Your partner's hesitation, stemming from past hurts, is a clear sign that healing isn't a one-size-fits-all or happens in a linear fashion. While you've been working on your glow-up, he's been stuck in a loop of past replays.

So, what's a leading lady to do? Communicate, communicate, and communicate some more—but with a twist. Approach this not as a negotiation seeking a closure deal but as a heart-to-heart, where you share your dreams, fears, and the love that's kept you hopeful for seven years. Be clear about your needs but open to understanding his hesitations.

However, if the sequel to your love story keeps getting delayed, it might be time to consider if this plotline is allowing you both to grow or if it's turned into a bit of a tragic loop. Remember, love isn't just about the grand gestures or the happy endings; it's also about finding peace and fulfillment on the journey.

Take a step back, assess the entire journey, and then decide if you're still on the same path or if you've grown in different directions. Sometimes, the bravest act of love is knowing when to hold on a little tighter and when to let go. 💔💪

Whatever you decide, know that you're not alone, and there's a whole audience rooting for your happiness, whichever form it may come in. 🌟

[RingOfFire]

I feel bad for you because it sounds like you are genuinely trying to improve yourself and that you have come a long way.

But sometimes it is just not possible to get past the damage relationship has suffered even though it might seem like it's possible.

The best opinion I can offer without actually knowing you or him is that it doesn't sound promising.

He would be right in not trusting you even though you seem like you are genuinely transformed.

It's tragic but sometimes you have to face reality no matter how difficult if you want to have a happy life.

[RingOfFire]

And dang I posted this in the wrong place!

Was meant for the OP.

[Vesuvius87]

@RingOfFire
I think the OP should leave the station and move on. He's not going to take her to her destination (marriage) and she would be better off to start from zero (without any trust issues... from scratch) with a new man. Instead of waiting for a year, if she breaks up and gets back into date, she can end up eing someone else's fiancee, then wife in a year or less.

[Finchie40]

It sounds like You will be better off moving on and ending it with him. Sadly the fact that you cheated on him, isn’t sitting well with him and he more than likely is holding that against you. He might of forgave you , but he didn’t forget , why cheating is the stupidest thing to do to someone you want to spend the rest of your life with , it’s better just to accept the fact that you fucked up, and realize the damage is done cuz there is no taking it back and move on. Find yourself someone that you won’t cheat on or make That mistake again , just because you feel like you love someone? You really don’t love them because of you did? You wouldn’t have cheated on them. The next person you meet , don’t cheat on them !!! lol

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah she can say goodbye to that relationship. No amount of cooking, cleaning and taking care of his kid is going to promote her to wife status. Even if she were the best cook, the past cheating overrides everything. Men tend to place value of sexual fidelity more than women and yeah nothing is going to overcome that. Sadly her chance of becoming his wife (even if she changed for the better and doesn't cheat ever again) are very slim, close to zero.
Perhaphs her only chance of him marrying her later on would've been if she had confessed to the cheating the next day, ok maybe by a 20%. If she didn't confess and instead got caught, that lowers it even more, all the way to maybe 3%.

[Finchie40]

Yea , sadly the cheating part on her end , dug her own grave , she is better off moving on and starting over with someone new

[DishLady]

You’ve wasted the time already and at technically “common law” married after 7years.


It’s up to you now to choose what you want since he’s backpedaling rather than thinking about what’s best for the three of you….

[Kaamraj]

I think that being in the girlfriend zone for a long term is benefitical for the man but detrimental for the woman. Because the man is getting all the benefits of being in a relationship without the legal obligations. Marriage on the other hand is beneficial for the woman as she's covered by legal protections whether she holds up her end of the burgain. So you should ask him directly if he has any plans to marry you or not. And another thing is that a woman's prospects of marriage falls with age and the no. of partners she's had.

[Daniela1982]

Everyone plays the fool some time, and your time is now. He will always need "another year". Why should he marry you when he gets all the benefits by not being married - free childcare, free maid service, and free sex with no strings attached. You are being played, royally. I don't know what "religion" you are, but I don't know many that allow sex without marriage. I suggest you think hard about what is going on, and how much longer you want to be played a fool.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/1_UM9AaUb4k

[bobalife]

Reading this made me empathize how sad and frustrating this can be, I'm sorry... It sounds like you really learned from your mistakes and tried your best to be the best partner that he deserves. But is he also being the partner that you want and deserve?

I suggest asking him if he thinks he can find it in his heart to want to forgive you, what does trust & forgiveness looks like for him, and what does marriage truly means to him to figure out if you both can make compromises and be aligned in your values for the future you both hope for. I also would suggest telling him what do you also want because your worth and respect in the relationship also matter as well. I wish you all the best <3

[rienna888]

Give him an ultimatum. Honestly girl, I feel he had all this time to decide if he wanted to marry you, if he did he would have already put a ring on it. I think you should hold back on the wife duties too. As I think he’s taking advantage of you, he thinks he can have a girl to do everything without marrying her. Give him space also. I believe you shouldn’t let him hold this over your head. I appreciate your honesty though, not a lot will admit cheating and change themselves. Props. Also are you sure you aren’t just feeling guilty for what you did that’s why you’re staying with him to make up for it?

[Friendlybro79]

Good for you for making huge efforts to be a better person. It's not easy to change and you should be proud of yourself. I feel like it is crucial for the both of you to get therapy to help you figure out if and how to move forward and have a professional help you talk it out. I think you're trying your best so give yourself grace, and also understand your boyfriend must love you to stay with you, but having a kid makes it a little different.

That element might be holding him back or ot might be something he's struggling to talk about and that's where therapy will help. I wish you both luck and hope you can work it out.

[Anonymous]

At this point if he gave you a ring it would be a shut up ring, basically a peer pressure ring, you gave him a deadline, the time has come… like it’s not organic and natural from his heart. If I were you I wouldn’t want marriage under these circumstances, it feels very twisted arm, very ‘fine, here ya go’. Hate that for you.

[BetaBucks]

Normal guys don't marry women that cheat, because they could be legally forced to be that woman's slave if she decides to cheat again after marriage. That's a crazy risk to take. Imagine if you were forced to continue to provide marital benefits to a man if he decides to cheat and leave the marriage. And you knew he cheated before the marriage. and you could not get any marital benefits from the man after the marriage. Would you agree to marriage?

[lightbulb27]

I dont see how a year will change the trust issue if youve been solid for a few years. can't blame how he feels nor you.


Id separate… time apart and reevaluate after 6 mon. Maybe can't rise a flattened souffle but can rebake another cake… with him or someone else if he doesn't come around.

[RavVid]

Infidelity might be semi-forgiven but it is never forgotten. The concept of marrying could easily re-raise the hurtful experience he had. If your infidelity is known to others - and it probably is - there is ego involved as well.

Sounds like you have in fact made it a marriage without the benefit of the clergy. You might just have to be content with that.

[Nik1hil]

Today, the status of a wife no longer exists, in general. Guys who get married, secure their money and assets, these guys do not value marriage and even cheat on their wife.

A loyal committed, monogamous boyfriend is all you should aim for. These guys may not marry you, but they will neither cheat on you. You will have a better quality of relationship, Than most husband-wife out there!.

[Staximus]

The last thing you said was "I’m afraid he might never be able to get over the past." He's afraid you might not ever get over your past and start acting like you did before. If you wanted this guy to marry you, you should have never cheated. You can't repair that damage and a leopard can't change their spots. If you cheated before, why would you not cheat again?

[Vesuvius87]

The OP pretty much diminished any chance of ever getting upgraded to wife staus when she cheated on him. He likely already did the evaluation/vetting process and is just keeping her around for the meantime, one foot out the door. At best, she'll just continue being the girlfriend to date, to have fun with, that provides unlimited access to sex, free maid and mother figure services to his kid meanwhile he'll never give her commitment, much less a child of her own.
I think the OP should end the relationship, start with someone new and hopefully never cheat on the next guy and never tell the new guy that she cheated before... that might be her only chance of becoming someone else's wife.

[Staximus]

@Vesuvius87 they already live together, that should be good enough

[Vesuvius87]

but the OP now wants marriage and probably wants a child of her own within marriage. By living together, that further puts the nail in the coffin. By living together without an engagement and cheating in the past, she's indirectly telling a man that marriage isn't important at all.

[Vesuvius87]

If she wants marriage as her goal, then she ruined her chance with her current boyfriend.

[Staximus]

@Vesuvius87 yeah, I'd take a short fat ugly woman who never cheats over a supermodel with a wandering vagina any day

[exitseven]

I do not know what is going on with your boyfreind but you have spent the time working on your own issues and seem like you have made some big strides in leaving your past behind. In tht respect it was not a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Yes and no. Because yes you are wasting your time. But no, because no self respecting guy is going to marry you. So it's pretty much pick your poison here. Guys know women do not change. If you cheated before YOU WILL do it again. It's only a matter of time and opportunity.

[Asker]

Actually, I would never cheat again. I would never make someone feel that kind of hurt ever again. I refuse to be that person. I’m not sure what happened in your life to make you feel like women never change but I pray that you find some healing as well.

[Opinion Owner]

Now you know why he doesn't want to marry you. See I try to help and out come the claws. This guy needs to run.

[Surferboi_02]

Maybe he is I t imitated and need time to think it out and he is stuck and embarrassed and doesn't know who to turn to. In time it will all come together when its supposed to but if you think you are wasting your time you should trust your gut.

[Surely]

In most states you are probably considered married in the eyes of the law. If a marriage license is the only issue to you. Then maybe it is time to move on. If you are thinking children with the current boyfriend. Then the talk of marriage should be addressed further.

[Anonymous]

Well. It’s been SEVEN years. I think it’s time to break it off. I’m sorry. He’s wasting your time. Sure being married in a year or less is the other extreme. But seven years is long enough to make a decision

[Kelley1]

What possible benefit, that he is not already receiving, would he gain by getting married? In our society, there are many disadvantages for men to marry.

[Vesuvius87]

On top of that, she admitted to cheating on him in the past. That makes it worse. She has no hopes of being a wife with him.

[Kelley1]

@Vesuvius87 It is possible for a person to change and be forgiven for things that may have happened five years. Nevertheless, especially if a man is already getting the benefits of marriage, with a nearly 50% divorce rate and biased family courts, the risk of marriage for a man is significant. That is in the best of cases, and while I don't know the details of their situation, I suspect the risk is greater with her. Moreover, I fail to see how he would benefit from marriage above what he already receiving.

[Vesuvius87]

She's already not benefiting by helping him raise a child that's not hers meanwhile her fertile years are declining. Then if there is a break-up, the kid will be left without her as a mother figure. He got her good; unlimited access to sex, free maid and cooking service, free parent figure of some other woman's child... all that without commitment and a child of her own.

[Kelley1]

@Vesuvius87 Sounds about right.

[slatyb]

That depends on what you want. What do you want? Have you tried asking for it? If you aren't ever going to get it, are you willing to stay in this relationship without it?

[SweetJoyGirl]

Yea, you should break things up and move on. I am sorry, love. 💜

[MasterKS]

@SweetJoyGirl kudos!

[SweetJoyGirl]

@MasterKS 💜💜💜

[beefcakebradybatson]

Probably with him, though I guess he doesn't want to be a husband. Discuss your desire for wedded life, gauge his reaction, then bolt if he's obviously averse to marriage.

[DrPepper12]

Therapy & counseling. I think it's savable if he works through his feelings and he really has to consider his kid. You're surrogate mom whether he likes it or not

[HelpfulWoman]

you set the limit. its clear to see you're not going to get the outcome you want.
end things.

[Anonymous]

Seems like he's still unsure about you, and is waiting and seeing. Maybe you're inconsistent and he doesn't know what he's marrying. If you're in a hurry, maybe you need to look elsewhere.

[Empery]

If you were waiting to be married but it hasn't happened. Being legally married doesn't guarantee longevity or loyalty to each other

[FarmBoy13]

My brother dated his now wife for 16 years before getting engaged and another 5 years before the wedding……. Just go with the flow and be happy

Its just a technical piece of paper anyway

[Anonymous]

Men don't forgive or forget being cheated on. It's the most disgusting thing a woman can do to a boyfriend or husband. You will never be wife material.

[Vesuvius87]

No one really forgives and forgets that. It's the most disgusting thing a person can do to a partner. Fixed.
I agree with the 2nd sentences. But if she'll never be wife material, the man himself is wasting his time too. That's the time he could've used to break-up and find another woman he finds wife material.

[Anonymous]

Why get involved with a single parent? Obviously the two of you will clash.


Focus on your faith and move on.

[msc545]

If you have had and continue to have a good relationship, what else is it that you want, and why?

[Crazzyyworld]

Say sorry to him and beg him to accept you and renew your promise. Good luck!

[jshm2]

Yes, you've wasted 6 years of your life.

[Tim2nice]

Why do you want to get married?

[MasterKS]

move on sounds better option here!

[smurfwrangler]

you are wasting your time yes

[BCA6010]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

He’s wasting his time.

[NOTHINGEVERHAPPENS]

I think so.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Yes you are.