AITA, or is my boyfriend not doing enough to meet my needs?

[Anonymous]

I (f33) have emotional need and want my boyfriend (m31) to ask me questions about my life and generally delve deep into who I am as a person. He has tried but generally the conversations are not very interesting. Last weekend he asked me if I would help show hin the sort of conversations I want and questions I would like to be asked (I haven't really initiated many conversations of my own). I told him that I shouldn't have to teach him and that this is my need and should be something he wants to do. He stated that he felt this was unfair and that i should take responsibility for meeting my own needs. After some time thinking about things. Maybe he is right? should I help him with these conversations even though they are something that i want?

[Finchie40]

Yes you should , if you want your relationship to survive , you have to understand, your boyfriend isn’t a mind reader , he can’t automatically assume what you want to talk about and read your mind. Understand his brain is wired different from yours. Men and women do not think alike , there have been studies done proving this. And sadly this is something that occurs in a lot of relationships, A woman’s brain races with a 1000 things at once , where a man’s brain doesn’t even come close to hers. So if you want your boyfriend to have deeper conversations with you , you need to be open to him and tell him what’s on your mind , Don’t just assume he automatically knows what you want to talk about. His interests are more than likely different from yours , it doesn’t make him a bad guy or a dumb guy , he just thinks differently than you do. So if you want your boyfriend to respect you , you should learn to respect him and understand both of you are not the same people , you might have similar interests in things but not completely. I am sure there are things your boyfriend likes to do , that you aren’t to fond of , because you have no interest in it and vice versa. You have to learn to accept your partners’ flaws the same way you want them accepting yours. If you can’t do that for your partner? Don’t expect them to do that for you , Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend, stop mocking him for not reading your mind A relationship consists on 2 people standing by each others’s side , when one of you falls the other should pick you back up , you should be a team , not enemies with each other. When you learn to accept someone for who they are , it makes it easier for them to accept who you are.

[V_Injector]

Oh gawd I'd dump you so fast. Tons of "should be's and do's" and demanding for attention. Then on top of that you expect guys to read your mind as stated with not starting a conversation.

Yeah bitch, your dude is right! You want these conversations so fucking bad then make it happen instead of expecting him to mind read.

Who wants all these "should be's and do's" like you got raised by a fucking television set on what should go down in every scenario? You. That's your fucking job to make that happen then. Not his. For all I know his expectations is to sit down and shut up like so many kids were taught in public schools.

Sorry I'm being so mean, so I'll try to tone that bullshit down. It got me heated you know... expectations when you, yourself, are not doing the expectations. Just expecting it out of another like that when you're not doing it yourself. It's like broke bitches that are frumpy fat expecting rich fitness models to walk up to them. Like, do it yourself first and then maybe guys will expect you to want that in return? Maybe, just maybe. But not doing shit and just expecting people to read your mind... you serious? Who taught you that other people should read your fucking mind and just give you what you want. That's retarded woman.

[PeachyPie93]

Yes you ATA since you are being unreasonable.. that is the same as him saying "you are bad at sex" you then ask "how can I be better/what can I do?" he says "I shouldn't have to teach you, you should already know my needs in bed"
Seems ridiculous doesn't it?

[SugarSugarplum]

"I want something you're not giving me."
"Really? tell me what."
"No."

Guys hate talking. They don't care about the mundane details of your innermost being, unless you can tell them in two sentences. Their needs are peace and love, not talking.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the thrilling seas of emotional needs and love languages, aren't we? In the kaleidoscope of relationships, understanding each other's needs does require a bit of a nudge sometimes, and it seems like your beau is willing to learn the steps of your love dance but needs you to hum the tune. Teaching him isn't about handing over the manual of ‘How to Love Me 101’ but more like sharing your favorite playlist so he knows what beats your heart dances to. Sure, it'd be dreamy if he spontaneously knew every move, but even the best dancers sometimes step on each other's toes. Walking him through your needs isn't just about meeting halfway – it's about building a bridge where both of you can meet, dance, and maybe even fall in love all over again. So, why not grab this opportunity? It could turn into one of the most harmonious dances you’ve ever performed together. 🎶💃🕺

[Summeroflove]

If the relationship is feeling forced maybe you both need to figure out if it’s meant to be or it’s work through able. You’re doing good communicating but you need to keep communicating he cannot read your mind, I’m sorry to say. You need to tell him what you want as well as initiate conversations yourself. Nobody is perfect and I’m sure there are things you need to work on too.

If you’re just not happy with one another and yes to a extent you are responsible for your own needs. But, the reason you have someone is to meet one another’s needs. Maybe you’re both needing something different in this life, maybe you’re just not meant to be. Maybe it was a relationship that had a reason for a season or maybe y’all will work through this and become stronger then ever. I don’t know the answer.

But it’s conversations you need to have. If your good days are becoming fewer and farther in between. Well

[Summeroflove]

Speak from the heart. Don’t just copy what I say, don’t say something if it isn’t true. Irs just a sample

[Summeroflove]

Hey, I truly love you and I value and respect myself. I want what is best for both of us and I know that you have so much to offer somebody and how hard we have both worked to make this relationship work.

But I just think we are looking for different things and would be happier with someone else who can meet our needs without having to nag. I feel like we had a amazing season together and I hope that we can part as friends. I don’t see a future with us but I do hope that we can part as friends and end this on good terms.

If that’s the route you need to take. That’s the route you need to take….

[Summeroflove]

I mean you want to be able to look back on this and not see it as a waste of time. You don’t want to look back on this relationship as a toxic hellhole. But the good and exciting memories. As well as what you learned the things you liked and the things you need. For whoever you find next.

Now if you can work through these problems you may become stronger. You might be able to. But you both need to be talking and communicating. And just know when it’s time to leave it. End it on good terms and not get into a toxic fighting all the time never being happy. Becoming resentful

[Makeushiver]

It might be better for you, your boyfriend, and your relationship to see a professional therapist. For one reason they will probably be much more helpful since they are professionally changed #2 since you don't know the extent of boyfriend's empathy, you might wind up saying something that gets misconstrued. That would be a question a therapist would answer.
If you want to DM me with a brief description of the specifics and the type of guy your boyfriend is I might be able to offer more actionable advice. Regardless, I think therapists can be very useful as an objective, informed source source of advice who has likely counselled people about the same- or similar problems you are experiencing. In those types of situations I'm usually concerned about the person either not getting it or becoming uncomfortable with it. When that happens it tends to degenerate into "never mind", "I'm sorry I brought it up", "Can we just forget about it" etc., etc., Of course it doesn't forgotten about, some incorrect impressions may be left and a regret of having tried it at all can be negative results that you would not have with a therapist

[MrOracle]

The minute you say (or think) that someone else should "just know" something - ESPECIALLY if that something is WHAT YOU WANT - you are not just the asshole, you are completely delusional and entitled.

People are not mind-readers, and people have very different experiences in life than yours, and it is so incredibly entitled to imagine that they should be able to "just know" what you want. Further, it's entitled to always expect to get what you want EVEN if you patiently explain it. You should be grateful and thankful to receive anything - even a failed effort to try to give you what you want - because that gratefulness and thanks is the main motivation other people have to keep trying and to get better. If all you give them back is disappointment, anger, and more expectations, it's only a matter of time before they dump you, regardless of the type of relationship you have with them.

This is REAL LIFE, not some romance novel, and you are doing nothing to help or motivate your boyfriend into even WANTING to make an effort on your behalf, so he's just going to avoid it altogether.

If you want something from a man, the way you get it is to be cooperative, sweet, and grateful. Make him WANT to try via positive feedback, even when he doesn't completely succeed. The moment you slip into negativity or entitlement, he's going to shut down and find something else to do. And if you keep it up, he will eventually dumb you, and you will have deserved it.

[bobby_bush_eater]

It sounds like you're expecting something of him he's not capable of or that you are chasing an idea that may not be realistic.

Correct me if I'm wrong but you want connection, someone to see you and understand your emotions through a dialogue but perhaps he can't do that because he does not understand you yet.

Maybe you need to show him in your actions as well as in conversation and accept that you need to be patient and also recognize he's making an effort even if it's not what or how you want.

Perspective. Put yourself in his shoes as him and try to understand the situation.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

He is right, you are beginning to understand that something is wrong and unreasonable in your conceptions. I suspect an idealistic, romantic personality you may have, I have somewhat this personal experience myself, when I was young, of unrealistic expectations due to this. If my intuition is right, you consider that your partner should be a magician guessing and matching your ideals. That is not romance, that is narcissism going the wrong way. This is a whole psychological topic, and out of scope. But, I assure that going towards him will satisfy you and him way more than just sitting in your comfy ideals. Meet him, meet the guy really, for what he has in his mind, what he lived, how he looks at life. Push onward ! :)

[magiusX26]

you are setting unreallistic standards so yes, you are being the asshole. especially taking into consideration that you have done both of these things, mire or less refused to at least show him what kinds of questions you want asked, and refuse to initiate (telling him you want to be asked questions does not count for this) these types of conversations. on top of that, the way you present all this on here suggests that there is something or things you want him to know via asking these questions of you, but instead of just saying them, you decide to try playing childish mind games and then try putting blame on him (roughly because he is not readung your mind) . also shows you have poor communication skills, work on that.

[theegloveguy]

I agree with most of the guys here. You definitely should help him understand. Of course, in a perfect world, he’d naturally know what to do. But it’s clear that he doesn’t. If this is really important to you, you should definitely communicate your feelings to him regarding what you want. Sure, it may feel forced, but practice is how people learn. You can decide whether this is a make or break situation for you.


I hope it works out!

[ProbablyClueless]

Your boyfriend is absolutely right in this situation. He is trying to meet your needs, but you have to give him something to go on. If you intentionally refuse to give him something to go on, you would be willfully refusing to participate in the relationship and causing a break down of the communication THAT YOU KNOW HE WANTS TO HAVE WITH YOU.

In this case, you are in fact, being TA.

[Oncewildtwiceburned]

It is unfair, you just admitted you don’t start conversations. Look when I answer questions on here I end up monologuing an entire life story, I use anything I can to relate it however weak the correlation is to give me a chance to let it all out. I’m not on social media to complain (just here) and just one friend and a girlfriend.

Just start telling him what you want to tell him, simple. Don’t expect him to mind read

[noohair]

Your boyfriend is like everyone else, he has his own nature. His brain is not wired to meet these needs you have. You can force him. But that will just create tension. I am perplexed by women that are set on fixing their men. The men are not broken, yet the woman is determined to beat them into line.

[Anonymous]

He's right and you are being unfair.
It's your need and he's showing good faith in trying to understand your particular want.
So you show good faith and explain what you want him to do, or get a therapist. And reward him greatly. It's not his responsibility to play your mind games but if he does, he should get brownie points.

[spartan55]

Uh yeah honey, he can't read your mind. Him not knowing what you want to force him to talk about is not correlated to how he feels about you.

[WhitneySnow]

You should help him. Most guys are clueless about this stuff. At least he’s willing to try and meet your needs.

[EmmaMary]

Sounds more like you need psychiatric treatment.

[slatyb]

When you tell him something of yourself, does he respond?

[Asker]

I have not really told him anything really deep about myself.

[slatyb]

But you want him to spontaneously ask you questions? I think that's a bit unrealistic. You can expect to be heard. You can't expect him to read your mind.

[Asker]

Yes although I am aware that I do not do the same for him.

[Ironco]

Either grow up and start communicating with him, and stop assuming he should know what you want. It's a two way street... Or let him go to find someone better than you. You sound like you'll never be happy with anyone.

[LiamJHayden]

He wants to but needs guidance. Expecting him to just know how is unreasonable.

[stratford]

Why don't you turn it into a fun game to see where it leads? Bit like truth or dare?

[Walksbehindtherows]

Every man needs to have sex with other women sometimes

[Cheerfull009]

Some people don't like long stories, they talk only necessary and to the point , I also don't like long stories people write in GAG to ask question

[jahaims]

You are too immature for a healthy relationship

[soe11]

My advice is get a fresh new boyfriend.

[dudewithnoname]

Yea totally people aren't mind readers

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend is right.

[Asker]

In what way?

[Opinion Owner]

In every way? You're being ridiculous.