Friend's Partner/Spouse Moving On After Death?

Question

So here's the scenario: Your friend is happily married with kids. But, he/she dies. How soon is too soon for their young widower/widow to date again, socially speaking? How would you respond to the news? What do you feel is reasonable and fair?

Please explain your response to the poll. Thanks! :D

Friends Partner/Spouse Moving On After Death?

HawkPerception · Accepted Answer

It truly is hard to answer this, but I'll answer it as honestly and openly as possible without leaving anything out, even if it may hurt whomever it addresses. I'll also emphasize that I don't know if this is the correct answer, but it's my opinion.

It really is hard to move on from a loved one that you lost. You might feel like you're betraying them by attempting to fill the void that's gone by having experiences with someone else. You may be afraid of potentially loving someone more.

When you're in a relationship (especially a married one), you tell each other and genuinely believe that they're the only person for you. It's nice to believe that when you pass on, you'll have someone waiting for you on the other side.

The truth is, we all somewhat wish that if we die, our partner won't move on from us. It's why that feeling of betrayal exists at all. We know it's selfish, but it's just a fact that we don't want to visualize or imagine the person we love with someone else, even if we know that they're with someone only when we've passed on.

But here's the thing. I believe that deep in our cores, we all know if we truly love our partners, we would want them to live a happy life for the rest of their life. And that trumps all previous feelings of selfishness.

If someone had kids and shared experiences with someone they loved and knew that person loved them just as much until they passed, that's really all anyone can ask for. And they can also feel proud they left a legacy behind as well. It was a real love story and nothing can take that or the memories with them away.

But the person that's living has chapters of their life unwritten and should not neglect the desire they have to have love in their life again in fear of a non-existent betrayal to the memory of their past lover.

Now going to the question of "How soon is too soon?"

Everyone goes at different paces and processes things at different rates. What might take someone a day might take someone else 10, 20, 30 years and potentially never. There's no black and white rule when it comes to this.

Socially, people tend to look down on or be critical of those that move on quickly because it might make it look like they didn't love the person they were with at all. Now while that can be true, it's most definitely not the case for everyone.

My advice for any friend going through that would be to not build an emotional wall and live their life to the fullest.

And sorry about the word jumble. It was hard to get my words out properly for 7

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

It would mainly come down to when they are ready , not really a set time limit , everyone grieves differently , so it comes down to their decision and when they feel ready , on what they choose to do. Some people never date again and some people start dating again immediately , because
They are afraid to be alone. it can be tough dating a widower if they clearly aren’t able to give their heart 100 percent to their new partner. The new partner can feel that they aren’t really being loved like they deserve to be loved. I sadly witnessed it a few times before.

sage2021 · Accepted Answer

Hello! Yes, I remember that your husband passed away and that was my first communion with you.
My boyfriend, which he referred to me as his wife, passed away last year. We were living together and would have been married but I couldn't marry him because social security would cut my benefits in half.
I really don't want to date anyone ever again. And it's not because of my age, because I can always meet someone else.
But I just don't want to be with anyone else because I would only be thinking about him the whole time and why put myself through that?
He was married for 24 years then his wife died in his arms when she was only 49!
I met him 10 year's after she died and I know he still wanted her and still loved her very much.
So, for him, even 10 year's wasn't enough time to be in another serious relationship.
I would hate to think I was ready to date again only to find out that I really wasn't ready.
I don't think anyone can put a time on when is it long enough to start dating after your love has died.

Caroline91 · Accepted Answer

I realize the question is when is it socially acceptable. And I think the standard expectation is one year for some reason that is certainly unknown to me. I think we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. So, I think for me, at least, the answer would be: whenever the heart is ready.

Account · Answer

It is not my place to judge how people move on or what the circumstances of the marriage were. People abandon their partner even when they are sick because they can't handle it.

When the person is no longer there what is there to judge? It is not my place.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

Socially speaking, I don't see a reason to follow any schedule because judgmental speeches will still judge based on whatever they think is a randomly good number anyway.

And how even to follow a timeframe when mourning is so intimate and immeasurable? 👀

RavVid · Answer

It was a bit under a week for one woman. Nobody was impressed and she complained people were mean to her. If she hadn't gone on about her Forever Man it might have been more acceptable. I avoided talking to her after that.

I think at least a year. Less than three though.

LiamJHayden · Answer

It is complex. Some might never remarry. Others who truly and deeply loved might remarry quickly in an attempt to restore what was.

avery58 · Answer

A year I guess. I mean it's their life... But I would lose respect for them if they moved on so fast after my friend died...

Ladsin2 · Answer

I get that they have to move on at some point, but if I die I don't approve of my wife moving on and getting turned out by another man. If my brother dies and his wife decides to do the down dirty with another man I'd find it disrespectful no matter how much time has passed.

Eleni06 · Answer

I think a at least year. Here in Greece they expect a woman not to remarry.

bowenw · Answer

If it were my S. O., I would hope they would move on as soon as they could.

noohair · Answer

Each person is different. Some older men can't function without a wife so they move on quickly. I think this is internal to each person based on their relationship.

Nikki1989 · Answer

5 minutes is long enough if it feels right.

Crimsyjo · Answer

I wouldn't judge whatever or whenever they choose and just be there to support them no matter what.

msc545 · Answer

I think that one year is about the right amount of time although really there is no set amount of time.

Dongie · Answer

I didn't really care until I remembered an old friend. He was with his wife for about 35 years. So it kind of changed my perspective. I said a year. But the thought kind of makes me want to look away. It's nothing on her tho. That's long enough.

DrPepper12 · Answer

When their ready. A year or a decade. It's all ok!

WhitneySnow · Answer

I think a year is long enough

katiesmuff · Answer

One year

exitseven · Answer

A year works for me.

eagle1951 · Answer

been 6 years for me

chocolatetwopointo · Answer

one year seems good

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