When your partner is angry with you, would you say your focus is more : What did I do” OR “What is happening inside there” ?

Question

I ask this question because I noticed often times when someone’s trying to solve a conflict where a Partner is let with them, they are more so trying to extricate themselves from an uncomfortable situation of somebody being angry with them.

🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s similar to “just give me the answer” on a maths problem, rather than understanding how you arrived at the answer. Which is always going to be tempting for people at one point or another. But this doesn’t solve the problem long-term because if you don’t know what’s going on and you don’t know what causes you don’t know how to keep it from happening again, if that’s not possible sometimes conflicts come up repeatedly.

🫤 I tend NOT to see much trying to _understand_ what is happening with the other person.. what is really making them upset.

I’m sure you have seen solutions for getting out do the 🐶 🏡 that have nothing to do with learning anything, rather ways to hopefully placate the other party.. gifts treats surprises favors etc. Thats stuff is absolutely bonkers to me. Here you have a solid learning opportunity that can help everyone long term and you try to buy it off. 🤯

Or the lazy generic “how do you get a woman to forgive you” “ how do you get a man to not be angry” nothing about what that actual person is experiencing and what brought out the maybe overly dramatic reaction in that moment.

I think many people would even be _annoyed_ if they were upset and someone started asking “what are you going through? What’s happening with you, what even caused this?”

🧐 I find it very _interesting_ when someone’s really upset. I tend to not get defensive because I’m more interested in understanding what’s going on over having a fight… I mean, unless of course I’m being accused of something absolutely ridiculous that has nothing to do with me- that is annoying af 🤨 but otherwise I’m more into taking an observing position.. I have observed this can be irritating to people who are very angry, however not my intent. 👀

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

Both actually , , when a girl is yelling at me? I don’t really listen to her , because my defense mechanisms kick right in to defend myself , there is no reason to yell , especially if I am standing right next to her , there is no reason to yell period , if something is bothering her , or something i did is bothering her? have the respect and common courtesy to speak to me normally , if not , I am going to yell right back to her and tell her to calm the fuck down , and tell her to not talk to me until she can speak to me normally. She can pout and bitch all she wants , but i don’t tolerate yelling whatsoever , iI will keep my distance from her , until she can speak to me like a normal human being , if she can pan it out she better be prepared to dish it out as well , especially if she gets right up on my face. I just went through this shit with my ex , that sadly needs mental therapy and anger management classes. Yelling gets ya no where whatsoever. People should only yell, if they need help in an emergency situation. If her yelling doesn’t stop and it keeps continuing , she will no longer by my partner whatsoever , someone else can deal with her crazy ass . Go seek anger management classes and go get some help if you have a problem with yelling and getting pissed off at every little thing. Because if you come out me for whatever reason you better be prepared for what could happen next. So yea she can scream at me all she wants , but I am not going to listen to her , it will go in one ear out the other until she can speak to me normally. If she puts her hands on me , she is going out the door , I won’t hit her but I will grab her and throw her out the door.

WindAtMyBack · Accepted Answer

It depends.

"What did I do?"
This might be a legitimate question. I might have no idea even after they told me.

"What is happening inside there?"...
This would probably come later, like the next day or next week.

"trying to extricate themselves from an uncomfortable situation "
Guilty :)

Quiet "pillow talk" seems to work well with me. This might have the implication of talk before or after sex, but I don't mean it that way. I just mean quiet talk in bed, when you are giving each other your full attention and really listening. This is after the smoke has cleared and you are a couple who share a bed together. Sharing a bed should be our safe place, with someone we trust and feel comfortable around. Pillow talk is when we acknowledge that and really listen and try to understand.

I have also had a relationship with an alcoholic who would completely imagine things, then pick a fight over something that never even happened. I learned to simply ignore her, as if she weren't even there. That's a different type of situation though. Can't argue with drunken delusions.

jojouzumaki · Accepted Answer

I definitely won’t be asking what’s wrong neither assume why he is mad. I will be clear to him that I’ll be here whenever he is ready to talk and will give him all the time and space he needs.

Nikki1989 · Accepted Answer

Never been in that situation to know.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

As a relationship coach, I’m all about diving deep into that emotional pool and understanding what’s happening inside the heart and mind of a partner when things get heated. Ignoring the emotions stirred up by conflicts and rushing to fix it might keep them looking for more drama rather than resolution! 🤔 So, yeah, I'd recommend focusing on what’s causing the upset. The key is empathy and understanding, not playing fetch with temporary solutions like gifts! Trust me, emotional insight is the ultimate love potion, not just a short-term band-aid. 😉

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I tend not to focus very much on “how did we get here” and more on “how can we fix this?”

Avicenna · Answer

Trying to figure out what’s really bothering her

Lliam · Answer

When it comes to my wife, I try to use active listening skills. We both know how that works.

- Paying attention: Give the speaker your full attention, and avoid distracting thoughts.
- Showing you're listening: Use body language and gestures to show you're engaged, like nodding, smiling, and having an open posture.
-Deferring judgment: Avoid interrupting or redirecting the conversation. Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions.
- Paraphrasing: Restate what the speaker said in your own words to clarify, confirm, and empathize.
- Asking questions: Ask clarifying questions to ensure you've heard the correct information.
- Summarizing: Pull together what you heard and summarize it for the speaker.
- Demonstrating empathy: Reflect the speaker's thoughts and feelings without dismissing or challenging them.

I stick to the issue and avoid countering with things that she does or has done.

I try to understand the problem. If she has a point, I will admit it. If she feels hurt or frustrated, I want to know why because I don't want her to feel that way. I care.

I seek a way to resolve the problem equitably so that we are both satisfied.

I always insure that she knows that I love her and want her to feel happy and fulfilled.

But I don't just roll over like a scolded dog. And I'm not a punching bag.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

balance of observing understanding identifying the issues and working together to solve the problem is obviously the ideal scenario, in order to have her and me feeling understood.  Ideal in theory. In practice it is rather difficult, due to emotions of the moment, general pressures felt and so on. But there's a catch, still : It needs two personalities agreeing, at least a little, with this philosophy for this philosophy to work. When it's only one of us applying this philosophy, it still may defuse the bomb, yes, but then it can feel lonely. It's still better than no philosophy though 😅

Juxtapose · Answer

If somebody is coming at me emotionally in a negative way then I am going to automatically get defensive and shit isn't going to get accomplished. I DON'T have to take that shit.

If somebody comes at me in a logical manner and calmly explains what is wrong and what they would like me to do? I'll respect that. I will go out of my way to make them happy compared to the person who came at me in an angry manner.

I don't really like people who lack self-control because they seem like children to me. I don't do anything to get people that pissed off anyway.

NathanDavis · Answer

I'll do both, and more...

if she is actually ANGRY with me... it is either, something I did... or something she thinks/feels that I did

so I first need to find out about that, and then yes... what's happening inside her heart, or mind, or both... or elsewhere sometimes (it happens)

since you mentioned math... I do like to see a the whole equation, in parts and as a whole... backwards and forth as well

and... more than forgiveness or rushing towards a solution, I do focus on the understanding... because once there's understanding, usually... the rest fades away, and most of the times, rather quick

DrPepper12 · Answer

Things I've learned: in ANY DISAGREEMENT but especially spouse do this:

Do you want me to SOLVE?
OR⚖️🧭💡🏳️
Do you want me to LISTEN?

🚩🗣️⏸️😤🚨🚧✋🏻🚫🛑

STOPS the anger cold. There's a pause in hostility. There's reflection on what the angry person IS arguing about and HOW they want it addressed.

IT WORKS!!!*

*Effective with self-aware, mature adults only. Some settling of arguments may occur during intermissions. Contains contents known to the state of California to cause divorce. Past performance is not indicative of future results. Legally be tender for all fights, public and private. Kosher for being Passed-over.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

Depending on circumstance I would react.

1) if they are angry at me and explaining why will listen and see if any resolution can be brought to it.

2) If they are angry at something they did wrong and try to blame me for their wrong doings then their will be an argument endless may be until they submit.

3) If someone is angry and raises their tone and is no mistake of mine I will shout and make them quite

4) if the person is doing something and I am getting irritated I will warant them to stop Max 5times and if still they continue they are going to get blasted.

5) If they are angry on me for right reasons and I am guilty I accept any repercussions be it cussing, maybe a little physical hurting still ok with me it's accepted and just they will get an apology.

6) if they are in general angry with something else that doesn't involve me then I can listen try to sort it out or just console and let it be at the end that's all.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

I don't like sweeping things under the rug. I'm the type of person that wants to get to the root of the problem, even if that conversation is difficult.

worldscolide · Answer

I always try to get at the root of the problem. 9 times out of 10 my wife really isn't angry at me, she's frustrated with something else and something I did, that normally doesn't bother her, effected her and it comes out. I do my best to communicate. She does the same.

Still-alive · Answer

It really depends. if she's a pretty reasonable person with a good head on her shoulders i would definitely be thinking 'crap what did i do wrong? i must have fucked up bad.'

But if she's not and has bad anger issues or something that yeah i would be thinking 'damn is there something wrong with her?' especially if its a frequent occurrence... definitely something that i was thinking with my ex unfortunately smh

Sevenpointfive · Answer

i don't have "partners" but it would probably go like this. "Get the fuck over it or talk about it", I said in a calm voice.

lightbulb27 · Answer

I try to focus on what they are angry about and listening to their concern in order to de escalate and turn to a more positive outcome.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Honestly, I listen to why she is upset and if I am at fault I apologize. If it is just her being dramatic, I tell her it is not on me. If she stays upset, I will probably end the relationship. I do not tolerate projection.

Danael31 · Answer

What is interesting is that through all this text, what is said is that it's never your fault, and furthermore the others are not mature enough to figure out stuff without informations in contrary of what you are saying. lol.

Ad_Quid_Orator · Answer

Usually more about what's going on in their head (and I'd be wondering if they're jumping to conclusions).

Agape93 · Answer

Figure out what I did and why they're angry

MrGSpotHer · Answer

Rope it solves a lot 😂

Maria2002_ · Answer

Probably give them space.

eagle1951 · Answer

what did i do now

Danny_dan92 · Answer

Find out why

When your partner is angry with you, would you say your focus is more : What did I do” OR “What is happening inside there” ?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

When your partner is angry with you, would you say your focus is more : What did I do” OR “What is happening inside there” ?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.