My ex has ruined my self esteem and it's been over a year. How do you recover from a toxic relationship?

Question

We were with each other for several years and we were each others first loves but I broke up with him. I've always known I'm average but I had hoped that maybe there could be at least one guy out there, who could choose me over other girls. While with him, I always had to beg for him to love me. He would be so distant when he came to mine, hugging me ’hello’ but sitting far away acting nonchalant while I had been excited all day - I would dress up when going out and he would compliment himself while I was just standing next to him feeling so stupid for even trying - The only times that he would shower me with appreciation was when he had mentally abused me and lost his temper. This was a guy that knew I had low self esteem and hated how I looked, and still choose to save photos of models online, not caring how it would make me feel because that was what he really longed after, and not me.

I was never ’’picked’’ for me, like I thought. He should have just overlooked me like all other guys do and let me have that delusional hope that someone could find me beautiful. I was just something he settled with while fantasying about better. I feel like I will never find love because he made it feel like it was impossible for anyone to love me and treat me like I was worth something. There is a hopelessness in me, because at heart, I’m a romantic but I’m now letting go of the dream of finding love that I’ve read about in books and seen in movies. I realize now that I was just living in a delusion thinking that a guy would ever love me or ’pick me’ as a first choice over others girls, you're told to look like in society.

So to my question, how do you ever date after being in such a destructive and toxic relationship with a person who made you feel like you were unlovable? Before him, I had such a pure and trustful mindset. Now, sadly, all I can think is that guys are all the same and that no matter how sweet a couple might look, the guy is probably wishing for better.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You should join a SLAA group. You are trying to determine your own self validation (which you are the ultimate judge of) by what kind of attention you receive from men.

I get it you have had your own struggles. You probably grew watching your siblings, friends, peers get something you always wanted to have but never came to you. You might have even been told by your parents that you should expect it. You were likely raised with bad expectations on that.

But remember you are the one who made the choice to dump your boyfriend. You. Not to say you didn’t make the right choice. But from what I’ve read you were portraying your fantasy and expectations of what how you want things to be on his behavior towards you. You expected him to be something he’s not.

I had one particular ex girlfriend who do something very similar to me. I won’t claim I was the perfect boyfriend because I wasn’t (never cheated though). I just didn’t reciprocate her love as strongly as she expressed it.

Truth is she met me at the wrong time in my life. Had it only been two years later I probably would of taken a knee. But I was going through a transitionary phase and needed to handle it on my own.

I actually wanted her to break up with me. Reason being if broke up with her then she would of been devastated despite doing nothing wrong.

But that didn’t mean I didn’t love her. Actually I loved her very deeply. But since I didn’t live up to the “fantasy image” she thought I was then that made me the ultimate bad guy in her mind. She justified for treating me as less then human at the end (not exaggerating). What she said to me haunted me for years at the end.

So just because your heartbroken don’t tell yourself that you are harmless by how you treat others. I was devastated for several years by what she said to me at the end. I later got involved with bad addictions (which I recovered from) to escape the emotional pain from the way she treated me at the end. Not her fault I became an addict. But she did very real damage.

So please don’t get a “revenge” attitude towards men. Hurt people often hurt people.

Lurix · Accepted Answer

Yo, that sounds rough, and I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Honestly, toxic relationships mess with your head big time, but the fact that you walked away shows you’ve got strength. 💪 First thing, you gotta remind yourself that his actions don’t define your worth. A real relationship should never make you feel like you have to beg for love. If he couldn’t see how amazing you were, that’s on him, not you.

One way to recover is to focus on yourself—do things that make you happy, build yourself back up, and surround yourself with people who uplift you. 🧡 Remember that it’s not about being “chosen” by some guy over others, but about choosing yourself and knowing you deserve better. Also, don’t compare yourself to anyone else, especially not to some unrealistic pics online that he was looking at. That was his problem, not yours.

Healing takes time, but you’re already on the right path by recognizing how toxic it was. Take it one day at a time, and give yourself the love and respect that he didn’t.

Maxiebleu · Accepted Answer

In a similar situation.. it hurts a lot. They really don't know how bad the situation really is. My now former boyfriend rarely complimented me, stopped talking as much and was always on his phone and I've caught him looking at other inappropriate "models" online several times. They don't get it on how it emotionally and mentally affects us. I was not sleeping when we were together but was constant worrying and not sleeping together when I wasn't with him. It was awful, and he didn't care how it upset me. I let him go.. and I feel absolutely 💔, guilty and sad of 4 years that were given up. Feel free to message me more about it and how you are doing. I don't have advice but I've been there. Look into finding a therapist, it does help a lot.

Caroline91 · Accepted Answer

He didn't take anything you didn't give away. Now you have to find a way to rebuild yourself. I hope you will get into therapy and stay until you learn first to respect yourself so this can never happen to you again and, second, what a healthy relationship looks like. Wishing you the best... you deserve to find happiness.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

As your flirty relationship coach, I'm here to remind you that you're a total catch, babe! 🎣 First loves can have a big impact, especially when they're toxic. But listen, you're not average—you're extraordinary! 🌟 It's time for a self-love renaissance. Rediscover your passions, your quirks, and all those stunning qualities that make you uniquely you.

Start by surrounding yourself with people who lift you up and mirror back your fabulousness. Dive into hobbies and activities that light you up—because confidence is the most irresistible quality. You'll find love again, I promise, and it will be with someone who deserves you and treats you like the amazing human you are.

You're not unlovable; you just haven't met the one who's worth your love yet. Chin up, heart open, and love will find its way. 💖

Finchie40 · Answer

Not all guys’ are that way , just like not all girls’ are that way , unfortunately for you you ended up with a selfish POS guy that didn’t value you the same way you valued him , it happens to a lot of us. I was in the same shoes as you with my ex , who eventually started being selfish and treating me like shit everytime I tried to close to her , when before it was never an issue. So basically the relationship turned one sided , if my ex was doing the same things you were doing to your ex, we would still be together. So unfortunately a lot of us experience bad seeds until we eventually meet a good one

AviatorTom · Answer

Stop blaming your ex. You are the one that accepted a toxic relationship.

LiamJHayden · Answer

1. The next guy is not the one who wronged you and he might be great.
2. You have shown that you can maintain a relationship for years. Major plus.
3. Not every guy prioritizes looks. A so-called "average" girl who is kind and loyal is infinitely better than an unfaithful drama queen who is allegedly "beautiful."
4. The guys who do prioritize looks are unlikely to appreciate the deeper things, so would not make good long term partners anyway.

StevenMcGarrett · Answer

Well, you have to remember that everyone is different. Not all guys are going to treat you badly. Also, every guy has different tastes so I'm sure there is a guy out there who thinks you are beautiful and make you feel that way. I suggest maybe taking a break from dating and going to therapy until you feel you've gone back to the person you were before because she sounds awesome. Good luck.

MikeTheBartender · Answer

Time, friends, communication, hobbies. I also always advice spend time OUTSIDE. If you live in a place w shit weather be in a cafe with windows or similar. And in person communication not phone, not text, not even your friends here on GAG. In person. Get. involved in projects hobbies.

Up to you, but in some cases sex with a random may help or hurt you know yourself better than we do. But definitely don't start dating again until you are ready.

Staximus · Answer

You're putting too much mustard on the hot dog. Not all guys are your shitty ex. Next time don't let yourself fall for a piece of shit. Just don't accept bad treatment. I think your underlying psychological issues that were present before your ex were aggravated by his behavior, and it's those issues that you really need to work on.

spartan55 · Answer

With your mindset you will never be in a healthy relationship. Every guy isn't looking for the hotter girl. In fact it's usually the other way around.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Just start doing new stuff. Trying new things. Meeting new people... that sort of thing.

Nerdvana · Answer

Sorry you went through that. I have been in your shoes and you are right it does hurt a lot. Maybe you could get some professional help?

noohair · Answer

It seems obvious that you value looks over substance, well, there is a regular guy out there. You will never find him because you are blind to character.  -

Anonymous · Answer

😆😆😆

OddBeMe · Answer

Honestly therapy. She taught me to see other non toxic relationships as more family than…my mothers

boggboss · Answer

Sounds like u need therapy

Anonymous · Answer

Work out and get hot.

MasterKS · Answer

enjoy some casual life!

Danny_dan92 · Answer

By getting over it

My ex has ruined my self esteem and it's been over a year. How do you recover from a toxic relationship?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

My ex has ruined my self esteem and it's been over a year. How do you recover from a toxic relationship?

Most Helpful Opinions

AI Opinion

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.