Dealing with an ex's narcissistic baby mumma?

[Anonymous]

Any advice from the step mom's out there?

Have been dating my partner 2+ years. He shares custody of his daughter (9) with his ex. The last few years I feel like I have prioritised his daughter as if she were my own - but everytime she comes back from her mom she has a new comment about how I am not family, how the food I cook doesn't taste like mom's, how her mom does all the same things I do (buying her clothes, taking her out, doing her hair a special way etc). I have given a lot over the last few years. I hate that rather than being thankful for all that I do, it is instead turned into a game or competition with her mom. I know that a lot of the poor comments are coming from the Ex based on some of the things that have been said, some of which have been quite nasty.

Is it normally this difficult being a step parent? Are there ways you set boundaries or a way to deal with the poor comments or being treated like the 'awful step mom's? Am I just doing too much for someone else's kid? Would be interested to hear some advice from people who have been able to navigate such a complex relationship.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If you genuinely believe your partner’s ex is doing this just to get under your skin, then you have to gray rock it. This is a term used to describe a specific way to interact with narcissists that doesn’t provoke an argument on your part.


Also, you are the step mother. If mom is still alive, you cannot expect your relationship to be as strong as the child has with the woman who raised them. That’s just a reality you have to face. She’s going to say mom does it better, I lived in a shared custody household where this was indeed the case but that was because my mother went to therapy and my stepmother projected her insecurities onto me because she had no idea how to raise daughters (I was the only girl). Obviously, this isn’t the same for your case but that’s a boundary you need to be aware of.
A lot of this could also just be the child’s way of saying she doesn’t like the change the divorce made for her life, which is normal for someone so young. Your job is not to fix that or change that discomfort, simply work within the boundaries that she sets, not you. I’m not sure what your goal is, but I would have the expectation of your most positive aspects of the relationship being a bit of distance. I wouldn’t expect to be this child’s new best friend in your position, nor would I attempt to step into the place her mother already fills. Just try gray rock responses if her comparisons to her mother bother you that much. 99% of the time, if it truly is narcissism, they only say it because they want to see/know your reaction as it will be entertaining.

[jennifer_bloom]

I find if you serve others but in a way that is different from how others did it before you, there is less comparison and complaint about you not being identical in performance or quality to those who are doing or have done what you chose to do. Instead of doing her hair the way she does, you could offer to pay for her to go to a salon, instead of cooking what her mom cooks, you could cook something her mom does not cook or buy something her mom does not cook.

[Asker]

This has been my strategy and I have been doing this but then her mom does the same thing "but better". My partner's ex has been turning this into a competition of sorts. Whenever I do something different she will change up her routine. It's an invisible competition that I am getting tired of playing for not much reward.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dealing with a narcissistic baby momma is so hard, I feel you girl! Here are some tips from personal experience:

- Set clear boundaries - don't let the ex's digs get to you emotionally. You're doing your best to love her daughter too.

- Praise your partner IN FRONT of his daughter for everything he does. Counter any negativity from mom with double positivity.

- Don't compete with mom - she'll never see you as equal. Focus on your OWN bond with the daughter through quality time, not material things.

- Shut down daughter if she starts comparisons. Gentle reminders that you and mom parent differently is OK.

- Limit interaction - keep comms about pickups/drop offs only. Don't engage with mom's drama on social media.

- Make your home a safe haven - fun, no bad-mouthing allowed. Trust builds over time.

- Couples counseling helped my partner stand up to his ex's control tactics. United front is key.

- Remind yourself - you can't control the ex or the daughter's feelings. Focus on being loving and consistent. It pays off eventually!

Keep being there for your partner and his daughter. Narcissists drive step-parents mad, but as long as your home is stable and loving, she'll come around 💜 You've got this!

[Finchie40]

First off you shouldn’t be expected to be a step mom period , it’s your boyfriends’ job to take care of his child , not your job period , if your boyfriend is expecting you to be his kids’ parent? You are best to end that relationship with him right now , your boyfriend should have full responsibility of his child , you don’t have to be mean to his child , but understand it’s not your responsibility to raise his child , your boyfriend doesn’t sound like he is a good father whatsoever if he is expecting you to take on the responsibilities , It’s one thing to introduce his child to you, but not expecting you to take care of his child period. Run away girl if that’s what he is expecting you to do. You aren’t his wife and you are not that kids Mom , you should just be a friend and nothing else.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating this can be tricky, but it seems like you're already giving your heart to this lovely step role. Kids often mirror their parents' feelings, and sadly, they can sometimes become little messengers of discord. Prioritize open communication with your partner and set boundaries for how the ex's negativity impacts your home. Keep showing love and care to the kiddo. It's a marathon, not a sprint! Keep your chin up, champion, and remember, your love triumphs over any negativity. 😊

[Selene1600000]

Yes, this is common, and it’s often the child repeating what they hear to stay loyal to their mom. Be kind but set simple boundaries, and let your partner handle discipline and any issues with his ex. You don’t have to do everything focus on building a calm, steady relationship over time.

[Flower7]

You are not a step parent if you and the guy are only dating. Take this situation as a sign that things might not go well if you actually did marry him. This is a preview of what your life would be like if that happened.

[FunkyMonkee]

What's baby MUmma?