In a relationship, are there certain actions that require your partner's permission?

Question

I am not a controlling person and my wife does not need my "permission" do do something: she is an adult. She knows that certain things would bother me and I would expect her to discuss those things with me before engaging in them, but there aren't many of those things. She also knows that I would respond with consequences if she did anything that crossed the line, so this doesn't mean she has carte blanche to do whatever she wants.

A few months ago, she decided to return to her hometown of Fuzhou, in China, to visit her family. She did not ask my permission and she knew I would accept her decision; her father is 93 years old and I have encouraged her to visit. I missed her tremendously but I know the visit was good for her.

I suppose there are some people who want to be controlled in a relationship, who want to be in a position of needing to seek permission from their partner. To each his own, I suppose, but I could never have a serious relationship with a girl who wanted to be controlled. That just seems to be "primitive" and psychologically immature.

Do you need your partner's "permission" to do anything of significance? Do you discuss such things with your partner, rather than "asking permission?"

In a relationship, are there certain actions that require your partners permission?

Sun_Kim-Ai · Accepted Answer

We have the principles of good faith and common sense - ie. we at least inform the other when we are making something "big" or we'll be out for the night.

For example, I recently had to pass the night at work for an urgency recently - I let my wife know in advance as to make arrangements for my absence - but I didn't ask for permission. Likewise, my wife had to travel to a three-day food fair to present her products, she let me know, but she did not ask for permission.

In both occasions, we used the principle of good faith and trust - I spent said night with a young female coworker (we had to take turns looking at cameras); my wife did her trip with her second butcher. We trust each other to be around and alone with other people without jealousy and misgivings.

msc545 · Accepted Answer

The thing here is that you have to know, ahead of time, what is likely to bother or upset your partner, and what is not. That means you need to know your partner very well, and sadly that is lacking in many relationships and the result is often unnecessary conflict.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Here on Girls Ask Guys, my aim is to help you navigate these love labyrinths. Love isn’t about controlling; it's about mutual respect and open dialogue. Discussing significant decisions in a relationship is about sharing your life, not seeking permission. It's healthy to communicate on topics that impact you both and to respect each other’s boundaries. Just like your wife's Fuzhou example, sharing your thoughts and feelings strengthens the connection. Nobody wants a partner who issues lovebombing commands like a strict drill sergeant! Keep that love groovy and balanced! 😉✨

Finchie40 · Answer

No , I am not a controlling guy , why it’s important to set boundaries with each other before committing to someone and giving your heart to someone , you should both be on the same page as things if you both want to be in a relationship with each other. Honesty and communication is key to having an happy relationship with someone , if my partner crosses the boundaries her and so set together , then I will have words with her and find out what her reason was for doing so , if she can’t give me a valid reason , then I will lose respect for her and probably dump her , Double standards do not work in relationships, you and your partner should be a team working together and not against each other , Basically what you don’t want her doing to you needs to be the same boundaries for you as well , not the other way around , if your partner can’t compromise with you and be on the same page as you, then they aren’t the partner for you , kick their ass to the curb where they belong. Love only grows when 2 people choose each other and make each other their top priority , it doesn’t work any other way unless you like being used

TheRealPepperPotts · Answer

You mean, there are relationships where people expect their partner to behave like an adult and make reasonable judgments and decisions? Wow, I love it! Sounds like a dream come true.

Like others have said, communication is important. But asking permission is a parent/child dynamic. I couldn't be in a relationship like that ever again. I had a good marriage, but like any marriage, there were "things", and it definitely had that dynamic to a degree.

So yes, please communicate that you'll be working late or spending the weekend away on business. But, no, you do not need my permission, ha.

AviatorTom · Answer

No, there are no actions that require a partner's permission in a relationship. Having said that, there are situations where a partner should seek their partner's guidance before doing something. Sometimes, that my involve asking permission, but it is never required.

RavVid · Answer

I think it comes down to mate guarding. A lot of species do mate guarding - not just humans. It is in our genes to mate guard in short and permissions are sometimes needed.

Most men would be unhappy with their girlfriend going out with her single girl friends to a club and staying overnight at one of the girl friend's home.

The equivalent for a girl would be for the boyfriend to say he is going on a boys night and they were starting at a brothel because his single mates wanted to get a fuck in before getting plastered at the pub.

You could expect some extreme mate guarding in both cases.

Mostly couples willingly conform to mate guarding. A work trip may not be optional but the absent partner will phone home. It is more for demonstrating fidelity than anything. The girlfriend above might say i am having dinner with the girls then they are going off to pick up guys. I'll be home around 9.

I'd suggest permissions are always needed where mate guarding is a factor.

NathanDavis · Answer

nope, permission... never

what we always had was, communication, so they would let me know... and if there were tricky situations, then yes... a discussion, and then we commit or concede on agreement or resolution

but permissions? no...

DrPepper12 · Answer

Yeah. She does the bills so if I make some major purchase or reduce my take-home salary to increase my retirement savings I do tell her my plans. That only seems prudent.

And travel plans, if one of us is planning a trip we've always spoken in the language of "Do you mind if I?" Which technically is asking for permission but considering that neither of us has said no in 30 years it's more like a common courtesy formality.

For decisions concerning the kids we've never really surprised or angered each other with a unilateral decision. We've had some heated discussions about process towards mutual goals! I married the "call me when you get home so if you're safe" person even if it's a five minute walk! 🙄 SO NOT ME!!

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Somethings need to be discussed but my ex did many things I did not like or approve of since he ran the money and was the provider. So I took a back seat and quit caring. I learned from that relationship it is actually more pleasant to live alone and take care of myself.

Anonymous · Answer

If we're married and I'm the sole provider (currently how I see things going and it's realistic for myself financially), any large financial decision has to be at least a conversation.

I've been investing frugally and saving 70% of my income since I was 18. I have a finance and econ degree, I'm currently doing an MBA, and I've beaten the market every year since I was 18. So overall yeah, I think I'm very qualified and the obvious person to control the finances and large purchases (especially when most of the money is mine accumulated before a marriage on my own).

Anonymous · Answer

You don't need to pass judgement on her actions because she's already learned what your pain points are. Perhaps you've been together for a long time.

My wife and I are similar. But there are still things that I would check, and not because I have to, just to include her. And I'd expect similar from her.

For newer couples they do need to be aware of what their partner thinks and check in with them often.

Laciejordan · Answer

I will ask about bigger purchases. We pretty much pool our money and buy what we need/want but if it's something that's pricey, I'll ask how he feels about it.

DancingQueen16 · Answer

Sometimes because almost two years me and my boyfriend were talking and he asked if he could kiss me on the cheek the next time he saw me and I wasn't ready for that so I suggested that we just stick to hugging

justabuddy · Answer

Permission may be the wrong word. But if I read your story correctly, she should have let you know she was going. Just so you could act accordingly.  Simple human decency in my book.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Isn't that what boundaries are for? You are and are not down with certain things, so you communicate that stuff to your partner so they know when they might be treading on some thin ice.

myloveforuisinfinte · Answer

It depends on the situation, your behaviour, and the things you wanted to do. It's not depend upon gender.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

Nah, more like have a conversation about things. If it's something you know that your significant other wouldn't like, then of course you talk to them about it and you two either come to a compromise or somebody sacrifices something for the other.

Miristheiss · Answer

A healthy relationship should have good boundaries. If someone wants to live outside of those boundaries it is best to just move on.

Agape93 · Answer

Anything sexual or regarding their time or property

EmmaMary · Answer

@olderandwiser  Nothing significant actually comes to mind.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Yes. I will ask her permission for everything.  (... Except going to the bathroom, of course. She can go f herself if she wants to try to control that.)

LiamJHayden · Answer

Apart from, "No, you are not sticking that baseball bat in me." and that type of thing, no.

Massageman · Answer

Typically, long term financial decisions- selling the house, etc.

Shark_61695 · Answer

Permission, probably not but it is polite to inform before anything significant.

dragoblack · Answer

Absolutely and those should be let known from the beginning... but sadly many assume they are just logic, like we can read eachother's mind.

Billlewis · Answer

I typically have to get permission to --  -- leave the house  -- compliment another person, whether they're male or female  -- masturbate

Twalli · Answer

Only sexual acts, except boob play. She allows me to do that whenever I want.

Sadia26 · Answer

In a relationship you are supposed to mutually discuss things that's the way to go.

Nikki1989 · Answer

None that I can think of.

RageBabe · Answer

I personally don't mind obeying my partner.

exitseven · Answer

Pretty much everything.

Kayleigh2005 · Answer

Is she passed out 🤣🤣🤣

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

Not permission, but discussion

In a relationship, are there certain actions that require your partner's permission?

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