Husband going on trip abroad whilst I suffer with my mental health?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been commuting to work 4 hours a day, until he offered to take me in the mornings. He’s going away for a week and so I’ll have this exhausting travelling. I’ve got a lot of job related stress. And I don’t see him much anyway cos we both work a lot. Now he’s leaving for a week. I’m mentally not in a good place. I just want to cry. Sorry I told nobody just wanted to let it out:(

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach offering support on this wild journey called life, I get it, you're feeling overwhelmed and could sure use a hug! Long commutes and job stress can suck the joy out of anyone. Your husband going away might feel like a storm cloud rolling in. Expressing your feelings to him might ease some of your mental load. It’s totally okay to let it all out. Maybe try some self-care and comfort activities to keep those blues at bay. You're not alone in this, keep holding on. 💙

[Anonymous]

Have you considered different relationship dynamics and living situations? This doesn't sound sustainable and it sounds like it would be impossible to have a family with the way things are. What do you want to change? If he can't leave you for a week, then there are some serious problems that need fixing in your life.

Just curious, is this a personal trip? Were you invited? Do you think he's trying to get a break from you? Do you think you're an asset in his life, or a liability? Do you feel that you put a large amount of emotional labor on his shoulders?

[Asker]

Ever since starting work after college I’ve been stressed, I’m not aware if that bothers him though. Whenever I speak about my stress he tells me that everyone has stress and to basically deal with it. I don’t think he cares and it doesn’t seem to me it affects him. He made it clear he wanted to go abroad without me to visit family and friends.

[Opinion Owner]

What would you prefer he does, in response to you discussing your stress?

So, that context matters. It sounds likely that you're stressing him out and he needs a break from it. If I'm right, this is a big problem. And it's a problem that both of you need to fix.

Back to the original point though, what do you want to change? Or do you want to live in this exact state of misery, but just get more words of support and encouragement from him? Are you worried he will eventually get burnt out from the emotional labor?

[Asker]

I would prefer him to say ok honey get a closer job even if it’s not as high paying for your mental wellbeing😭 I think every time I complain that’s secretly what I’m hoping he’ll say😭
I might be stressing him, he was talking about this trip for quite a while though tbh.

[Opinion Owner]

Have you considered just doing it or do you feel like he has to say it first? Have you just brought it up with him? Saying you want a closer, lower paying, job? Some guys have learned to just let girls vent and not try to offer solutions. But at the same time, he needs to be a leader and create a better life for you. In other words, let you vent, but in a separate conversation, convince you to get a closer job for less pay.

[Asker]

I feel like I’d have to get his approval first. I’ve spoken to him about it and he says I can do what I want but I know he wouldn’t want me quitting my current job. He pushed me to start it. I’m working overtime too. Work just feels like it’s never ending during the week and the only time to relax is at the weekend, and I only have energy to sit in bed. Sorry for the rant, I appreciate your help

[Asker]

I feel low and rejected him sexually tonight due to stress, he’s pretty annoyed and has gone to bed without speaking to me😭 he leaves tomorrow so think I’ll go visit a sibling or my mom

[Opinion Owner]

You don't have anything to apologize for. But you're very welcome and I'm happy to chat as much as you want about this.

I completely understand your response to him tonight. I would just suggest making sure he still knows you love him, even if you aren't interested in intimacy. My wife and I reassure each other this way when one of us isn't in the mood. And it's probably a great idea to visit family while he's away. Better than dwelling on the situation and feeling alone.

But on the other topic, even if you think he wouldn't want that, you also know that he wouldn't want you to be miserable and stressed out. Even if he was the most selfish person in the world, he would at least recognize that he benefits from you being in a better place, mentally. Especially if some of that extra time you have is spent to improve your relationship with quality time together. So, at worst, it's a break-even for him, and a massive W for you. I won't push, but maybe you could use some of the free time this weekend looking for local career opportunities. Or remote ones.

[Asker]

You’ve been so kindly to me🙂 I’ll let him know I still love him and visit family🙂
I think it would improve our quality time togethor and I’ll look for new opportunities. Hopefully I can make him take me seriously. It’s awful that he’s leaving when I just want cuddles:(
To be fair he has a lot of his own stress, he works in medicine and has exams, so I think that’s his focus

[Opinion Owner]

Awesome. Good luck with everything then. You guys will get through this 🙏

[Anonymous]

Take a breath. I know it’s frustrating, 4 hours is a long ass commute but it’s only for 5 days, or however many days a week you work. Try not to let it break you down.