What boundaries are appropriate for my boyfriend's ex?

[Missionoftri]

Today, I've made the realization that my boyfriends ex just WON'T go away. Ha-ha, my boyfriend (Lets just call him AL) and I have been together for almost 8months. He confessed that he was in love with me a few months ago and so far things are going great. I couldn’t be happier save for one problem. His ex.

She texts him several times a week and spam calls him. Meaning when he doesn’t answer his phone she calls back to back until he answers. Why? Just to talk or if she is having a problem with her new boyfriend general... I find this to be inappropriate behavior coming from an 'ex' who has moved on. She broke up with him 4or5 months before we started dating and continued to play mind games with him even after we became official. To be honest, I’m not sure if he has gotten closure or has fully moved on despite his reassurances. Maybe I’m just being insecure because Al explained to me that she is an ex for a reason and that’s the way it’ll stay. However, I still feel that she is overstepping her boundaries. My problem is not only that she is an ex, it is also all the mind games she played in the past. I can’t bring myself to trust her. Or trust him to turn her away. I guess my suspicions are getting the better of me...

She texted him a week or so ago: “I want you in my life.”--- “I love you as a best friend.” ---“You are the only one who ever understands me no matter who I am with.” --- “I’m just going to show up at your house.” --- “I need your help.” (Hopefully you can see why I feel a bit of jealousy.)

Al, on the other hand, doesn’t see a problem with her texts or calls. He says that I’d get jealous if it was any girl showing him attention (please keep in mind that I’ve only gotten jealous twice since we’ve been dating and that’s because a drunk girl kissed him at a dance) I guess its partially my fault because I gave him permission to be friends with her but this is getting to be too much. I told him that it really makes me uncomfortable but he refuses to cut ties with her using this “You said we could be friends” thing. I’m torn between the grown up thing to do (accept that she is a part of his life and work around it) and what makes me comfortable (him to stop all contact with her).

In fact, he’s set up a group date for the three of us because he wants to show me that there is nothing going on between them other than a platonic friendship. I don’t want to lose him but I’m just getting too uncomfortable with this. If I can’t find a medium there’s no choice but to end it. I’m losing too much sleep over this and all this anxiety is turning to depression. I guess my real question is how can I interact with her gracefully? Someone please help me figure out what are appropriate boundaries to set for this kind of situation.

[Beckyboo03]

I went through the same thing. My boyfriends ex just never went away, and still to this day is still not gone away. She would message him on Facebook, MSN, texts etc. I then later found out he was just as much to blame, he was msging her as well and leading her on telling her he still loved her and that he was not happy with me but then he would tell me that she was trying to break us up. He told me the same thing your boyfriend did..."an ex is an ex for a reason, you would be jealous even if it was another girl" etc

This girl ONLY went to him when she was having personal problems and he was always there to help her.

They also wanted to hang out and have me there to see that they were "just friends" there was so much bullsh*t thrown at me it was stupid. I finally told him that he had to get rid of her for good or I was gone, so he deleted her from everything...then we had a fall out and split up for a month and guess what happened...he added her back to Facebook and even hung out with her in that ONE month we were apart. I have gone to this girl on more than one occassion to tell her to back off and leave him alone, she says she will then goes back on her word. She even blocked me from Facebook so I couldn't see they had become friends again.

I would really watch yourself, I understand exes can be friends to a certain extent, but if she is pouring her heart out to him he needs to tell her to back off and if he can't do so and if he can't respect how you feel then maybe there is more to the story.

I am still with my boyfriend, I am stupid for staying cause he's a liar but after 4 years I find it tough to leave.

Watch yourself, men are sneaky and only care for themselves

[angelasank]

You are his girlfriend now, and your feelings should be coming first.

Al's ex girlfriend is disrespecting the fact the he is in a relationship, and he is letting her.

I don't really think you need to interact with her unless you're telling her woman to woman that she's out of line. (Your boyfriend should be doing this!) Do not go out with them, it's counterproductive to what you want. Put your foot down. Your feelings are reasonable, don't let Al make you feel otherwise. He needs to put what is most important first in this situation. And that should be you.

[Missionoftri]

I agree but I guess I don't really know how to deal with this. I will tell her straight up that he will ONLY be there for her within my terms. To seek out anything more than that is not tolerated. I feel like he may be protecting her though. Uhhhhg too much stress.

[RealAsItGets]

U aren't insecure. Women have intuitions and sometimes we need to follow them. Some men tell you what you want to hear, trust I know because I've had it happen to me. He's probably telling you one thing and telling her another one. Its obvious its more if she's constantly txtn him and he won't let her go. When your in a reltionship with someone and you claim you love them your also suppose to respect them and he has no respect for you by communicating with her. Ur ex is an ex for a reason and she's also his past which is where he needs 2 leave her if he wants to continue being with u!

[Anonymous]

Personally, I am friends with some of my ex's because 1: I am friends with everyone and 2: they have seen me at my worst, and I have seen them at their worst, and there's just something about that which refines a relationship. In fact, my stormiest relationships often make my closest friends afterwards. And they care enough about me to understand that I am happy with my boyfriend, and they won't do anything to ruin that.

That being said, I don't care what the circumstances are, anyone who calls anyone that much has a problem. It might even be possible that he is trying to shake her off, but he can't get her to leave him alone. I've also had people like that in my life, and it's really an awful feeling. Either way, it doesn't look like there's going to be a medium. If you really are wanting to try, go on the group date, and see for yourself (although the fact that it's being called a "date" is probably your answer).

[becky88]

You need to find out why they broke up and why does he still want her in his life even as friend? She sounds so annoying! he should change his phone number so she can't call him. He is your boyfriend not hers. Therefore our best friend not hers.