Caught my husband having an affair?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my husband, I had no suspicions what so ever; and thought that behaviour was in the past. I had a Christmas clear out and found an old laptop. I noticed it was still logged in to my spouses fb, i clicked on it not really thinking much of it. To my horror I found messages to him and another woman dating back years and years. I couldn’t physically read them all, but I read enough in the few hours I did read them. The messages between them were really emotional, and he seems to of ended the relationship a year ago; but has been messaging her on and off since. She tells him she loves him; and he replies that he doesn’t love her but “has feelings” and tells her he loves me and our family. He then sends her love songs which lyrics are that of “I love you” I pulled him up on it and licked him out, after weeks and weeks of him trying to shrug it off as friendship I got the truth. they have slept together twice: and he knew it was wrong and called it off. nothing was planned and he was just out and drunk; that she made the first move and he was just thinking with his dick and not his head. He said as soon as he was done he went home, he said she was just a fantasy and that she means nothin to him. He has blocked her on all platforms, but I’m just curious as to what she really was to him. Was she really as meaningless as he says, I know he told her he didn’t love her, but the love songs where contradictive. We are regularly goin to couples counselling, which he’s struggling with as he dislikes opening up about it, bt I need all the facts before I can make a decision on trying again. She is said to be a girl from his high school, who he was good friends with, he said he cares about her in some small way but she is nothing compared to me and our life together: and it was all one big mistake

Updates

1 y

My question is what was she to him? The affair has gone on years emotionally even if they have only had sex twice. She was a female he’s known since high school so there is a lengthy friendship behind it. I just can’t take it at face value that she was meaningless, or that could a guy genuinely take part in this affair if he felt nothing?

[BobbieBoy666]

If you caught your husband cheating, it's completely understandable to feel a range of intense emotions like hurt, anger, betrayal, and confusion; this is a deeply painful experience and it's important to prioritize your own well-being first and foremost.
Immediate steps to take:
Process your emotions: Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling without judgement. Cry, scream, or simply sit with your emotions.
Reach out for support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about what happened.
Consider confronting your husband: Decide if you want to directly confront him about what you saw, but be prepared for his reaction and prioritize your own safety.
Important things to consider:
Gather evidence:
If you plan to confront him, make sure you have concrete evidence to support your claims.
Think about your next steps:
Do you want to try to repair the relationship with couples therapy, or do you feel that the betrayal is irreparable and you need to separate?
Prioritize self-care:
Focus on activities that bring you comfort and support your mental health during this difficult time.

Get help with your feelings. Find a counselor who shares your values and who understands that marriages can thrive after infidelity. Look for someone who will not only help you process your heartache but will also help you understand how to establish new behaviors in your marriage that can benefit you and your husband.

[Finchie40]

You are best to end it with him , he clearly betrayed you and your relationship, the only reason he is apologizing to you is because he got busted , but if he didn’t get busted , he would still be talking to her and probably meeting her to fuck her , don’t fall for that nonsense. Cheaters always have an excuse for their selfish actions. Just because you love someone and care about someone it doesn’t mean you have to be with that someone , they clearly don’t truly love you by them cheating on you , they only love themselves. So if you give him another chance? All you are doing is accepting the fact that he cheated on you and he will more than likely do it again once things settle down between the both of you again. I know it’s hard breaking up with someone you have your heart to , but the truth is you are only hurting yourself by doing so , The trust you once shared with him is now broken , you will never forget what he did to you , you can forgive him but you will never forget

[PeachyPie93]

I think he liked her as a friend and liked sleeping with her hence the love songs, but he did say he doesn't love her, I think he just enjoyed her holding on to him. So he enjoyed the fantasy. The fact he would talk to her for years on end makes it hard to believe he only slept with her twice. I would defo would want the full truth out of him to reconsider not divorcing him. But it would be hard to consider staying with him since it went on for years and he didn't cut her off on his own accord a year ago. It's probably best to divorce since he seems weak..

[Abbycado]

And your question is?

[Asker]

What was she to him? I can’t go back if he loves her, I’m worried she means more than he portrays

[Abbycado]

She was a piece of ass. Why are you still with a cheater?

[Asker]

We have been separated since, but he is remorseful and continuing with counselling to get us try to work things out.

[Abbycado]

Sorry, but I would never trust a cheater again.

[AI Opinion]

First off, big hugs from your favorite relationship coach and your personal cheerleader in all things love-related. What you’re going through definitely sounds heart-wrenching. Trust that was built over years can feel shaky with this kind of discovery. In relationships, understanding feelings is key, and that includes differentiating between genuine connections and temporary infatuations.

Your husband has expressed that she was a fantasy, which can sometimes mean she was an escape from reality. What's important is that he is engaging in counseling, albeit reluctantly. Keep focusing on open communication in therapy to rebuild that bridge of trust.

Evaluate not just his words but his actions moving forward. If you feel like there's true remorse on his part and a genuine desire to make amends, and if your heart is open to it, give your relationship the chance it deserves. Remember, a committed heart can mend a mistake better than a frustrated mind. You're the centerpiece of the relationship, and you owe it to yourself to make decisions that prioritize your happiness and emotional well-being. Stay strong, and don’t lose sight of what’s best for you! 💪💖

[Oldschool1981]

When I found out my SO was having an affair, I was surprisingly okay with it. She continued to see the guy, whom was married with children for a few more years until it fizzled out.

[Asker]

Why was you not hurt by it?

[Oldschool1981]

I used to date a prostitute, so I'm used to it. If It's just a booty call, that's no problem. If a relationship develops, It's something I'm willing to tolerate.

[Oldschool1981]

I guess I just don't seem to mind if my SO has her own sex life outside our relationship.

[Anonymous]

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fiction

[lightbulb27]

She was a Coyote stalking a Turkey.

[Asker]

Please refine?

[lightbulb27]

that's as cheeky funny an accurate answer I can give... I'll try being direct...

Females prey upon men and hook them... we know that... they have their ways. She hasn't let him go and he wasn't wise enough to release.
It never quiet jelled as relationship, but she kept him hooked.
He's an idiot for going out to meet her and drinking... um... more than once... evidence!

What's she mean to him? He was hooked by her. WHY he was hooked by her is the question for the therapist and him to answer.

Usually, the answer is in some childhood projection. Finding how that woman aligns to his sub conscious allows them to find the power she has/had and thus free that power over him. Then he can be free and you two can make a better relationship once he wisens up to what happened.

Just saying "drunk" is a deflection, that's not enough. yea anyone can be stupid, but that is not the whole truth.

ask me how I learned in the school of hard knocks... ugh...

[Asker]

Our therapist suggested she filled a void we are/ or he felt we were missing from our marriage, and it’s his job to inform me, or find out for himself what that void was. It can’t be sex he maintains it only happened twice, and we had a very healthy sexlife ourselves prior to this. From the messages I read, some I read back as far as 2019, it was very emotional in regards to caring. He often messaged to ask if she was ok, or to check she was home safe, on a few occasions he had got a little jealous over how she acted around his friends on nights out. The past year he seems to have been more cold towards her, he ended it a year ago but HE has still been messaging her on occasions, and she has been telling him he ended it and to leave it as it is. He sent her a love song the week I found the messages. He says she was in a domestically violent relationship and for the most part of the friendship he was just there for her as a shoulder to cry on,. It hurts me more to know he genuinely cared about her, and worried about her, and comforted her, than just having sex with her. The fact that the friendship went on years and years hurts more than him having sex with her.

[HДLILБΞУ]

Get well soon, such things happen

[jahaims]

No question