How to get him to make up his mind?

[Curiousandhavetoask]

This one is a little complicated - for the last almost 20 years I've been sleeping with this man. Both of us didn't have feelings for each other until the last few years. We are both in other relationships with kids but neither of us are happy. Given that feelings are now involved things have become incredibly more complicated. He said it might be a good idea that we stop doing this and try to move on- but ultimately we both agreed to stay.

The next time I saw him I asked him out right - do you really not want me in your life and he said 50/50 and he said its due to his guilt (feeling bad for cheating) and that its not my fault. I also asked him if when I message him if its bad he said 50/50 sometimes he's happy to hear from me sometimes he needs to not hear from him.

He has been miserable in his relationship for many years and has said over and over he's only there for the kids and that I make him feel like he deserves better. When I try having deeper conversations about this though he gets very aggressive and won't give me a clear answer about what's happening here or its direction - just that he cares about me. How do I get him to make up his mind and land on one side or the other of the 50%

Updates

5 d

I message him if its bad he said 50/50 sometimes he's happy to hear from me sometimes he needs to not hear from me****

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

He won’t. You can’t make him make decisions, you can only make decisions for yourself. If you’re being strung along, dump him, get divorced or break up from whoever you’re cheating on, find someone better.

[Curiousandhavetoask]

I know I can't force a decision but I was wondering if there was a way to word it to ask him again that would help him not be aggressive about the topic. I did end things 7 years ago just for a little while because he had just had his first kid.. and he recently told me oh you didn't give a fuck about me when you left all those years ago.. I did care but I felt it would be best to step away we always come back to each other though and eventually we were right back at it.. so its like even when I step away im wrong and if I stay im wrong coz of his guilt. I wish he could just make up his mind

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

He won’t, men like this will blame every person in the world for their problems before acknowledging that he’s responsible for his own happiness and this relationship sounds like a mess too. I personally think you’re better off without him

[lightbulb27]

airplane ride with parachutes. If he jumps, it means he's committed to you. If he stays in the plane, then nope... move on. You get to try and push him out.

[Curiousandhavetoask]

I don't know if I need him to commit to me.. I don't even think I need him to leave the person he's with... I just want him to be clear about how he feels. I know that sounds weird

[lightbulb27]

This is an emotional mess. Seek counselor to try to unravel. Easy answer… end it.

[lightbulb27]

Easy for me to say though

[Curiousandhavetoask]

neither of us want to end it

[lightbulb27]

are you getting what you want? of course not. This is a sneaky lie by people being deceiptful, dishonest and confused. Right? There is no integrity... there can't be because if there was honesty the consequences would be severe. That's the problem... children not wanting consequences to the choices they made.
Ends in tears either way you go. Best path is honesty, the truth. "The truth will set you free".
In reality, there are no problems, but socially... there are huge problems.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the classic 'Will they, won't they!' dilemma! Here's the scoop, love. He's doing the hokey pokey on emotional unavailability and guilt land. If he's playing the emotional tango and won't decide, it's a major red flag 🚨. Your heart deserves clarity, not a rollercoaster recovery mission! Try to decide how much uncertainty you can handle without losing your sassy spark. Communication's key, sure, but sometimes it’s more about assessing if you're being lovebombed instead of genuinely cherished. Wishing you all the love and happiness you deserve! 💖

[BigTex53]

He’s so indecisive. Maybe move on.

[MasterKS]

Thats a complicated game of lust and love!

[MasterKS]

@Curiousandhavetoask i can easily relate with your problem, similar experienced.

[Curiousandhavetoask]

I agree and never did I imagine it getting to this point and now that we are here it's like my heart doesn't know where to land because his heart doesn't know either.

[MasterKS]

@Curiousandhavetoask just followed you, will share it.