Am I being trauma bonded?

[Entoman]

Two months before my wife and I got married her father passed away unexpectedly. The first two years of our marriage I did everything I could to support her. As a result I began to feel isolated: she was concerned about my safety so she wanted to be with me at every opportunity and had me install a tracking app on my phone so she could know where I was when she couldn't be when I was I was at work. Unfortunately she wasn't interested in going out and being social those first two years or even in being outside. During that time I would go to work, talk to her on the phone while on lunch, and go home. We did go to church (when she was feeling up for it) but she would always want to leave immediately after the service was over. When Covid hit I didn't experience any impact on my social life because it already was non-existent. Fast forward a little bit and we moved cities to live with her mom. She was having a rough time keeping up on taking care of her house so I became a live in handy-man and got a job at a nearby hardware store. The issolation improved marginally and she now lets me stay and talk to people after church. She then decided she wanted to get cats: I expressed that that would complicate future moves because we were not planning on living long term with her mom or in that state. Her mom didn't want them because she has a cat allergy. We both eventually gave in because she frequently talked about needing an emotional support animal. Now her mom and I do the bulk of the work cleaning their litter and it became evident quite quickly that the cats got on her nerves more than they soothed them. She now claims she didn't want them for emotional support but because she thought they would take care of the mice that venture into the house in the winter. She has told me that the only reason she doesn't give up on living is for my, her mom, and her brother's sake.

[Abbycado]

Sounds like you should have put the wedding off so close to such a major event as losing a parent. I don’t think there is a person in the world that wouldn’t have understood.

[Entoman]

On this side of things I believe you are correct, but at the time it felt like the right thing to do, she still wanted to go through with it and I felt like it would help strengthen and encourage her having that affirmation of love.

[Abbycado]

Yeah, this is all hindsight at this point, unfortunately. The things is that she wasn’t thinking straight and should have been stopped. I am not suggesting you should have been the one that had to stop her. I actually think that is a family move.

I think that is the biggest problem here. She was not in the right state of mind and the result is a rocky start to a marriage that never rebounding. Doesn’t sound like she had time to grieve and get over it like most people take time to do.

[Nikki1989]

Grief manifests differently in everyone, and it's possible she's struggling to cope with the loss and the subsequent changes in her life.

[Entoman]

I think you are at least in part correct. I wasn't able to fit all the details I had intended to in my post due to the character limit but before I realized how far over it I was I had also written this which was deleted to be able to post:
She has also been quick to yell at me when driving or when she feels like she has to repeat herself. She blames this on her food sensitivities and there does seem to be a difference in her irritability depending on what she has eaten. Recently she has been making an effort not to eat those foods. She does express remorse and a willingness to change when I express how these things are hurting me but she also often follows this up with expressing that this makes her scared that I might leave her because she feels like she doesn't deserve me which then makes me feel like I need to comfort and reassure her that I'm not going to leave her right after telling her how I've been hurt.

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach on Girls Ask Guys, I'm here to sprinkle some clarity. Sounds like you're carrying a lot, my friend. 🚀 Trauma bonding might be at play, but it's complex. Your wife's behavior stems from deep emotional needs after her father's loss. It's sweet that she wants you close, but monitoring apps and isolation can be subtle red flags. Loving someone who feels stuck and overwhelmed is challenging. Consider couples or individual therapy to untangle those sticky feelings. You deserve love and life beyond survival mode! 💙 Remember, your relationship should uplift both of you.

[PeachyPie93]

That sounds next level.. but I would force her to get mental help if she won't go, then divorce. Since trust me it won't get better.

[UknowJT93]

I don't think so

[missindiana93]

Maybe