Is my boyfriend being irrational? He wants to break up because I dont want to move in?

[Anonymous]

We have been together for ALMOST one year. So not that long of a time. We’re both in our 20s and honestly, the relationship has been hard and toxic. A lot of damage has been done.

i’ve gotten a job closer to him. And he insisted we move in together. I said no. I do not think we’re in the right place in our relationship, and would rather take our time to fix what we need to, before we take that step. However he is adamant I’m wrong and that we can fix things while living together. I disagree. So he’d rather just break up.

Would any of you say thats fair?

[Finchie40]

Break up , he clearly isn’t the guy for you if you guys’ are already experiencing toxic shit , Toxicity doesn’t go away period, Whatever occurred will eventually occur again, depending on what happened to begin with, If it’s something that is haunting you deep inside then you are best to walk the other way and end it with him and move on , trying to fix something that is toxic is like talking to a wall. You can put a band aid on it but eventually that band aid is going to fall off and you both will be right back to square one.

[LilCorgiXx]

It sounds like you are being really reasonable by wanting to work on the relationship before making a big commitment like moving in together. If things have been toxic and a lot of damage has been done, living together could add even more pressure rather than fixing things. Your approach taking time to heal and improve the relationship first makes a lot of sense.

If he is unwilling to respect that and would rather break up than find a middle ground, that kind of shows where his priorities are. A healthy relationship should have mutual understanding, not ultimatums. So no, it does not seem very fair that he is forcing you into an an all or nothing decision

[LilCorgiXx]

Thanks for the mho

[Anonymous]

You’re reluctant to progress with him and not just because it hasn’t been a year (which I agree with you on by the way!) but because the relationship has become so toxic. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to breakup because you’ve invested so much like moving closer and you love him but you can’t take or get back any of those decisions. Wanting this all to be worth it more than you care about your emotional and mental well-being is insane. He wants to break up, maybe it is for the better. That’s a manipulative tactic anyway, giving you ultimatums like this is gross.

[Asker]

I do love him, despite how hard its been. Because we’ve had to do long distance took a hit honestly. But when we’re together, he is the sweetest. Just, things have been bad and neither of us have been in the right frame of mind emotionally and mentally. he's under the assumption moving in together will fix all of that.

[Asker]

I also should make it clear, I stand by what I said. I’m not moving in with him now. If he decides to leave because of it, thats on him.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know if this means you’re long distance now but that’s how it sounds, and he’s thinking that moving in together will fix the issues, right? Do all of your problems revolve around this distance?

[Asker]

We currently are. I have not moved as of yet or started my job. Honestly, no. He has a lot of issues (so do I, and I receive therapy). But he acts on emotions a lot, calls me names, gets disrespectful, accused me of the worst and also, acted in very harmful ways. Its been toxic and abusive. He knows it too. But it’s very clear to me he's just set in his ways.

[Opinion Owner]

So respectfully, why would you stay with this person, let alone potentially live with him? A year is not long, you are still learning about your partner in that time. Honeymoon phase can last up to 5 months, from there on you start seeing who the guy really is when the veil is lifted, and if that’s the person you want to spend your life with or not. If you believe in marriage then you agree with the fact that dating without the intent to marry him one day is a waste of time. So with that in mind, is this what you’d want to marry into? People think that once you move in things will change, or once you get the ring, or once the baby comes. The goalpost for his change/betterment will get moved out further and further the longer you stay in this situation. Trust me I would never so much as suggest you do anything I wouldn’t do or haven’t done myself, I know it is a hard Decision. But you come first, always, you have to.

[Asker]

I don’t know. Maybe I’m holding onto the good moments, where I see that sweet side of him? But I can see its not enough. I feel very beat down. And often feel like I’ve lost touch of myself as a result. I've also been scared. I tried to leave before, and then he just fucked himself up. He does that usually. Gets really fucked up. I stayed awake for hours one night, to make sure he was breathing. And I don’t know why I’m still here. He always argues I can't move on or let good things happen because I hold onto the past

[Opinion Owner]

Someone who wields suicide as a manipulative sword is not a man who loves you. That is the opposite of love, it is abuse and it is dangerous. I have a friend who stayed with a guy for nearly 12 years because he threatened suicide every time she tried to leave. She wanted to leave him before we left for college but threatened to off himself. When college came he threatened suicide if she went to school out of state, missing out on an Ivy League opportunity to attend a local 4 yr. She also changed her field from medical bc the job could move her wherever and he would harm himself if she left.

She got preform junior yr, wanted to abort, he threatened to harm himself. So new baby, and dropped out of school for said baby when she was supposed to be in the East at a top med school.

She wanted to move out of state at one point to be with her dying dad. Couldn’t do that or boyfriend would off himself, her dad died w/ a hired nurse next to him not his only child.

Gets pregnant w/ 2nd kid when they’re both unemployed. She wants to abort — nope, boyfriend will harm himself. The story goes on and gets worse, but the moral here is that we are 31 and her life has been stolen from this guy. They’ve been apart for almost a year but the damage done, the things she’s lost. Don’t let that be you. If your boyfriend was really suicidal then no one could stop him and he should never want to make someone he loves feel responsible for something like that. It’s sick, it’s cruel, it’s him.

[Opinion Owner]

**got pregnant junior year

[OlderAndWiser]

Relationships are not about being "fair." Relationships are about getting your needs met while taking care of your partner's needs. Most fledgling relationships fall when one or both of you realize that you aren't getting what you need. It sounds like he is at that point.

However, you said, "the relationship has been hard and toxic." That raises the more important questions: Why have you remained in this relationship? Do you think you are going to "fix" him?

[Asker]

Honestly speaking, I do not know. Even though I knew things were too difficult, I did love him. We have been very close for about 5 years before we got together. So I really just, gave him the benefit of the doubt. I know thats on me. I still took a chance on him, hoping he’d see that I really did love him and that would be enough for things to change. And that was my mistake. I was the only one begging for healthier communication and trust, and then I gave up. Things got so bad between us, and I recognised the abuse. I became too drained to fight it. I did try to leave, and then got the threats of suicide. A year before we got together, I did stop him. The relationship is done now, however.

[OlderAndWiser]

If anyone threatens suicide, you call their family and ask them to intervene. And any threat of suicide is your sign that it is s very unhealthy relationship.

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach, I'm here to guide you through these sticky situations! It sounds like your gut is waving a big red flag here, and rightfully so. Relationships thrive on communication and understanding, not ultimatums. If moving in feels rushed, trust that intuition. His reaction might seem a bit extreme, and could hint at deeper issues in the relationship. Remember, nurturing a healthy relationship sometimes means choosing yourself first. Stay fabulous and trust your instincts—you deserve nothing less! 💃❤️

[AviatorTom]

Moving in together shows commitment, which he is ready for, and looking for in you. Your desire to not move in tells him you are not the right one for him, and he needs to move on.

Is it fair? Who ever said love and relationships are fair?

[Asker]

Me trying to tell him I want us to fix our relationship before we move in, does not show commitment?

[AviatorTom]

No, it shows control, the exact opposite of commitment.

[orange_roach]

Did you actually read the whole post? Or did you just not care?

[Asker]

So me wanting to fix the relationship shows control, but not the man who is giving me an ultimatum if i don’t give in to what he wants? LOLOL. You’re in the same dumbass boat as him.

[DishLady]

If he thinks moving in is the next step for you and you disagree you're essentially breaking up with him. It's like when a guy proposes and the girl doesn't accept... Game over, babe. You're moving along to something/someone else. It's not fair for you to keep him on the hook when he wants to have a serious relationship. You'd just be wasting his time.

[lightbulb27]

something is jacked up. I've seen this reversed and I know why the woman demanded to be together. What is his driver for that.

personally, does not sound healthy to me and unless you understand the root issues, I wouldn't.

Fair? it's not reasonable based upon what I heard. by the way, people used to get married. I know... that is a foreign thought and more scary than ever, but did he ever think of that? like... he wants you probably... but where is his commitment?

[Asker]

I do not understand the root issues. And I don’t think he does either. He has a lot of demons in the closet which he has refused to address or seek help for. And has been determined he can fix himself. But things between us haven't been great and a lot of the toxicity has been a result of it. I did ask him, if its me really wants or just somebody with him? He was quite upset by it.

[lightbulb27]

I think you are in over your heard on this. The other reference I ahve for this is a friend... and she has anxiety and insecurity and can't be alone... fears and trauma from childhood. It isn't terrible per se, just she needs someone or else it gets rough. she's decent person. In this case, you've got a pandoras box.
Of importance to you is how and why you chose a broken person and if that was just dumb luck or there is a pattern going. Everyone has stuff and issues and there can be "bad attraction" patterns like... abusive person chooses nice person to get love from and heal. He probably is getting the support from you he needs so he will really hurt when you break this. But unless you got two healthy people, or you are either very well educated in relationship/psychology/therapy or have some good ones in your camp... then as I noted, you are in over your head.
What you can do is try to learn from this what you can. Send him off to fix himself... which he will avoid like the plauge, and probably... already is ignoring because doesn't know where to start.
"Don't try to life more than you trained for".
If you really love this person (and I'd wonder what that love is)... then tread fwd carefully. That is not what I'd do... in hindsight experiences in life.

[Asker]

Thank you. I am not the healthiest person right now. I was once, I had my issues but I handled myself incredibly well. But it all flew out the window as this relationship started beating me down. And unfortunately, despite being very close friends with for many years, he never let me in on his deep rooted issues until we got together. I get it, its hard to be vulnerable. But no, we both have a lot of things to work on. I am in therapy. He refuses. So I guess, I don’t know what we are really trying for.

[Asker]

He has a lot of trauma from his childhood. And I do think loneliness hits him hard. But he's insisted we “need” to be with each other, aka meaning live together. We are nowhere ready for that.

[AnonAndrew]

Yeah, he's being irrational.

I think it's time to put this relationship to bed. You describe the relationship as having been "hard and toxic," and now he's outright holding the whole relationship hostage in order to try to coerce you into moving in with him.

I'm sorry, but I don't see how this relationship could turn into something positive.

[naartjie]

I’d not move in and let what ever happens, happens.
Personally, even after 2 or even 3 or 4 years I’d not want to move in with a boyfriend as I will only ever live with a man who is my husband. It’s best to find people who have similar wants and goals as you. He doesn’t seem to fit for you if he’s being this extreme. Just my opinion

[LickwidSkie]

It doesn't sound like the relationship is good in your opinion, so I don't think moving in would be the right move for you. If he wants to break up because you won't move in with him, that's on him. Him trying to push you like that when he's heard your concerns makes me think he doesn't really have your best interests at heart, and that's definitely not a relationship you want to be in.

[Purpleronnie]

Arguing about moving in together well all kinds of wrong. Especially when it’s laced with an ultimatum from him.


Personally I’d call him out on it , agressive ultimatums don’t have any place in a partnership relationship. They are symptoms of a dysfunctional relationship and a controlling partner.


If you have any sense you will walk away from him

[Fireguy17]

yep, or controlling.
If you are not ready to move in then don't.
Simple as that.
If he does not respect your decision then that is his problem, and how he handles it will give you a good insight as to what he is truly like.
Proceed with caution, and don't do something you might regret doing later.

[Stevepro68]

Cohabition is difficult when both parties are excited about it. Sound controlling and a red flag. Maybe it's time to let him go.

[Anonymous]

He wants to move forward with closer integration. You don't. Maybe he needs to at this point in his life and is willing to try again with someone else (which by the sound of it may be a valid choice). Not sure irrational is the right conclusion but you know him.

[Asker]

Then he can find someone else to move in with him? I’m not sharing a living space with him, considering all he knows now is to swear at me, call me disrespectful names and scream because he can't communicate his feelings in a healthier way. And before anyone says it, yes, I have outright said this to him which fell on deaf ears.

[Opinion Owner]

It's the same for the both of you. If what he's offering you is not what you need then you make your own arrangements.

[Likes2drive]

Sounds like you’re not going to fix things with him and I think you’re right that it won’t work if you don’t fix things first before moving in or you’ll be trapped and miserable so maybe you should just let him go, relationships are a lot of work

[Shy_Steve]

That is fair.

If it's not working, It's not working.

Spending more time together isn't going to make things better.

Sounds like you don't want to breakup, He wouldn't want to breakup either, But he probably cannot see any other way.

I think you should take his advice and breakup or just take break for a while and see how you feel in a a couple of weeks or a couple of months.

[Levin]

Bonjour madam. Consider it a blessing in disguise. As you say, the relationship is toxic and he sounds immature and manipulative.

You can do better, I am sure. People can change. But they generally can't change *that* much.

[overlord337645]

this is a red flag and sounds controlling this indicated he wants to control you and make you feel bad because you won't do what he says and can lead to many problems later on. in short dump his ass respectfully

[Cormac995]

I think you should break up with him. If there are this many issues in the relationship moving in is going to make things worse not better this is a terrible Idea on his part.

[LiamS95]

Sounds like you're very justified in your belief that moving in would be a mistake, he obviously doesn't love you and just wants to use you.

[Asker]

I question if he needs me more than he says he loves me

[katiesmuff]

Sounds like your thinking with your brain and he is thinking with his penis! I think you will be much better off with him out of your life.

[HungTexan]

It’s not fair. Moving in tofu has to be a mutual decision that you’re both happy with. It shouldn’t be an ultimatum.

[slatyb]

I think you should break up. Then you should think about the toxic parts of the relationship and how to avoid repeating that with someone new.

[PeachyPie93]

If shit is toxic already who cares if he wants to break up..

[genericname85]

well do you not wanna move in period? or do you not wanna move in "yet"?

[Asker]

Yet. Not now. Like I said the relationship hs not been good and I told him It would be best if we addressed the things we needed to, to improve things before that happened. He refused to understand

[Demo876]

android@girlsaskguys. com

[genericname85]

So have you actually given him a relatively clear plan on what needs to happen and the time frame in which you would actually be interested in moving in then?

[Asker]

Yes. He still refused and said im ridiculous.

[genericname85]

well i'd say you've done exactly what you should and he's being unreasonable. if he wants to break up because of this, i'd say you dodged a bullet.

[Staximus]

You said the relationship has been toxic, so stop being stupid and just break up with him already

[James994]

Yes that is fair if things needs to be sorted out first then I would agree with your decision

[WhitneySnow]

That is really unfair

[NicholasRedone]

Its the real test of a man ♂️ 😂

[Smegskull]

You won't shit so he is getting off the pot.