Boyfriend wants to move out but stay together?

[Anonymous]

Some background, we are in are 30's together for 2 years. We've lived together for 8 months. We've been having little arguments here and there but last week it was a little worse than normal. I got angry with him for staying out until 5 in the morning when he went out with friends and not checking in with me at all like he usually does. I was worried something happened to him. I knew from the beginning he liked going out with friends to let lose and never had an issue with it until the last few months. He's been coming home later and later. Now he's accusing me of not trusting him and trying to 'control' him. So his solution is to move out so we have space but stay in a relationship. Also he says he doesn't feel completely comfortable in our living arrangement because I own the house and if anything were to happen with us he's the one who would have to move out and he doesn't like having that hang over his head.
I feel like this is going backwards in the relationship which I don't like and I also feel like he may be wanting to see other people even though he'll never admit it. Living apart will give him the freedom to do so and stay out as late as he wants. Opinions? Is this a reasonable request or is he trying to put me on the back burner while he sees what else is out there?

Updates

+1 y

To be clear, no I do not text or call him throughout the night when he's out. And no I do not ask him to constantly check in with me throughout the night either.
He used to be different. He would call or text me when he was on his way home or to let me know he'd be out super late or spending the night at a friends. He also asked me to do the same when I was out. I'm suspicious because of his change in attitude about the whole thing.

[Grobmate]

You won't like what you're going to here, but I'll tell you because you need to hear it from a man.

You have to give a man his freedom. You know where he is. He's with his friends. You don't need to check up on him, he's a grown man in his 30s.

While good intentioned, to a Man... it says to him that you don't trust him. It says that he has to check in as if he was checking in with Mum and Dad. If he's at a place with loud music he isn't going to hear his phone either.

You've just confirmed that you are suspicious of him, so his instincts are right. You've cramped him. And it is controlling. You might not mean it to be but it is.

Now if you set a time for him to check in the most it should be is a text, at a certain time. Same as if you were out with your friends. He wouldn't bother you if you were out on a girls night out now would he? You don't own him. He doesn't own you.

I can see this from both sides. You have suspicions which says to him that you don't trust him. Him moving out is a logical reaction.

His reasoning for having no place to go meams he has seen the writing on the wall and is prepping in case it does go south. He doesn't want to be on the street.. He also doesn't want to lose you or he'd of told you so. You've lived together for 8 months, which isn't very long in the scheme of things.

He isn't putting you on the back burner. He fears the outcome. Have you two gone out on date nights regularly?

[Asker]

I never call him or text him when he's out with friends. I never asked him to check in with me through out the night either. But for example last week when he was out I woke up at 4am and noticed he still wasn't home so I sent him one text message which he didn't respond to.
You see he's changed in the last 5 months. He would always check in with me towards the end of the night to let me know when he was heading home or not for a few more hours and he asked me to do the same for him when I was out! I was fine with that and I liked it the way it was so why is his attitude changing?

[Grobmate]

Ahh huh. See that's vastly different. How often is he out with "the boys" then and how often does he take you on a date night per week?

[Asker]

This is another reason i'm 'suspicious'. Date night for us would usually be a Friday or Saturday. Now it's always a random weekday like weds or thurs. Friday's and Saturdays seem to be reserved for the 'boys'. I am no longer ever invited to tag along either which he used to do occasionally with me. His nights out with the boys used to be like this: Every other Friday or Saturday plus one or two nights a week for something casual like a few beers at a bar or hangout at a friends house but never a super late night on a weeknight. Now it's every Friday and just about every Saturday. Stays out until 4am to 7am every time. Will not check in with me AT ALL like he used to.

[Grobmate]

Yup.. then you aren't crazy. With the extra context... he's living in a bubble as if he is single. Plain and simple. He is neglecting you. And this one isn't on you. He's dropped the effort and that effort is going to the boys.

Communication and compromise is everhthing and he seems unwilling to.

[Asker]

Yep... My worries and suspicions boil down to is he trying to revert back to his single life days but keeping me on the sidelines in case he changes his mind.. He is unwilling to compromise at all on this. To him, our only problem is that I don't trust him and he's not doing anything wrong. I should be fine with him spending the night out when he has a boys night and to hell with checking in with each other at all anymore. He also told me he'd be fine now if I ever went out with the girls and didn't come home until the next day or check in with him at all because he 'trusts' me.

[Grobmate]

Yup. He wants... a situationship. To hell with that mate.

[Anonymous]

When you try to place restrictions on someone and control them, their natural inclination is to increase the amount pf space they have.

He's basically figured out he's never going to be able to go out again without your holy permission, and then even then you require him to check in. That's toxic and controlling of you.

Let him have some breathing room.

[Asker]

He never has to ask for my 'holy permission' to go out. He's free to do so whenever he pleases. What I was asking for is a quick text or message letting me know he'd be out past the bars closing and going to a friends house or whatnot so I don't worry something happened.
To put it this way, if I went out and said i'll be back sometime after 2 but then decided to stay at a friends to hangout for a few hours longer i'd have the courtesy of letting my partner who I live with know. He'd also be furious with me if I did exactly what he's doing

[SarahsSummer]

Are you sure you do trust him and aren’t trying to control him? a new living arrangement may actually give you both time and space to recognize what you see in each other and also create a greater appreciation for “date nights” together.

[Asker]

I never had an issue with him going out and never gave him any grief for it. Also, I never text or call him when he's out and don't ask him to check in with me throughout the night. But would you be ok with your live-in boyfriend or partner going out for a night with friends and not coming home until the next day and also not checking in with you to let you know they would not be coming home? That's my issue here. He's changed and didn't used to be like this. Also he told me last week when we argued that he's totally fine with me going out with the girls and not coming home until the next day and not checking in with him because he 'trusts' me. This is not something he would have been ok with 6 months ago.

[SarahsSummer]

I've been in similar situations only i made the mistake of over calling and texting if he was out or away so it took me a while to learn my lesson. As for what your guy is doing now, I dont know what you can do to change that behavior because the more you try to change him, the more he may be like "F you, I'l do what I want". How old is your guy?

[Asker]

He's 34... I want to build a future with someone. Get married buy a house, travel, maybe kids. I was upfront with him about this from the beginning which is why we decided to try living together after dating for a year and I thought at his age from what he told me he was looking for the same. On the one hand he's right that I don't trust him and I wonder if that could be escalating his behavior. But it's his change in behavior that has caused me to lose trust. He started pulling away, staying out until 5am or 7am whenever he went out. He's less considerate, less attentive. It's basically like he's getting cold feel I think. I think he misses his single life or he wants to see if there's something better out there.

[SarahsSummer]

Without being accusatory or threatening, you need to communicate with him and find out if he's happy in the relationship, if he wants to see other people or if he still sees a future with you kids, buying a house, etc. Didn't you say you already own a house?

[Asker]

It's a small condo that I own. Perfect for 1-2 people. We discussed the possibility of buying a bigger house in the future together.
I've tried calmly asking him if he's still happy and still sees a future with us but he gets very angry and defensive. He throws the whole you don't trust me in my face every time I try to discuss anything in regards to our relationship. So here I am online talking to strangers wondering if I'm crazy and really do have trust issues. I thought I was a cool girlfriend but according to him I'm not. He says even though I never say anything to him or complain about him going out he can feel the negative 'vibes' coming off me when he gets home.

[SarahsSummer]

I can’t say anything to his perceived “negative vibes” but if all else you’re saying is accurate, he may be transposing some guilt on his own part back onto you. redirecting it. I think you have to let him go, move out and see if things get better. I dont think you are crazy.

[Wally48]

Call his bluff. Let him move out. A man that really loved his woman would not let her worry like that. I know it's kinda shitty being in your 30's and thinking about starting over, but sounds like things are their way out with you two. Sorry

[Reddwolf]

He's definitely trying to put you on the back burner and use for a rebound

[Justacatlady]

Sounds more like the end of your relationship