My boyfriend is being aggressive?

[leslieberry]

I (23F) slept over in my BFs house (23M), I woke up and went to the bathroom and he was fighting verbally with his mom, and then I heard some things breaking, it seemed like he threw them.

Then I went to his room and his mother came and said that he broke some stuff and there was something expensive, so she said she also wanted to break something from his room like he did. She also told me he punched her door.

Then my boyfriend came and told me we should go, because he didn’t want his mom telling me bad stuff about him. His mother went out of his room and he was telling me to get dressed to go. We talked about what he did and I told him he shouldn’t be throwing his mother’s stuff because that would only make everything worse and he told me “shut your mouth if you don’t know what you’re talking about”.

So we went out and I didn’t want to talk to him. I told him that regardless from what happened with his mom he shouldn’t be talking to me like that.

Later, he was saying that his mom was exaggerating everything because there was a car fine from his car, and his mother was saying there were three, he also came to tell her that he felt sick and had a sore throat hurt and wanted to go to the doctors but he had to go to work, and his mom was telling him he should go or they are going to fire him, she was also blaming him that he got sick because he is vegetarian, and he said he got very mad and threw some stuff to the ground but he didn’t know there was something expensive.

The rest is in the description.

Updates

9 mo

He told me she was bothering him a lot and he’s is tired of that, she is always telling him to stop being vegetarian and even when she is sick she says she won't go to the hospital unless he stops being vegetarian.
He told me that his mom did some things to him like that too, that she threw his clothes from the window and even the TV.
After that he apologized a lot of times for talking to me like that, although there was a moment where he said that he didn’t say anything that bad.

Updates

9 mo

He also told me that people that have that situations with their family understand him, and that I don’t have fights like that with my parents (which is true). And then he apologized again for speaking like that to me and told me if I wanted some time to think and I said yes.
Also: they both have BPD.

[Summeroflove]

I think he has some serious anger problems and for your own safety you should probably just leave the relationship especially if he’s then screaming at you.

You can only imagine marrying him some day and this is how he starts treating you as well as any children you may have together.

Maybe you’re a empathic perosn to the fact that the has a mental health disorder such as BPD but that doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to abusive behavior by him or his mother. They are grown ass adults breaking things of one another? Give me a break. This isn’t normal.

[Anonymous]

First of all yes he shouldn’t have responded in that way to you. He more than likely felt like you were siding w his mom which I’m sure you weren’t. But at the same time you have no idea what’s going on w in their family. Second he needs to move out, he’s a grown man. If he doesn’t then he has no real room to complain about how his mom is. I take it she’s probably a songle mom. He shouldn’t have responded the way he did by throwing whatever but at the same time I think he’s this way partly because of his mom. Maybe his dad left because of the way she is too. I’m just speculating. She’s the older adult, so for her to come into his room to destroy something or trying to destroy something of his since he broke something of hers. That just tells you she’s childish, probably shouldn’t be a mother. Yes it was childish on his part as well but you’d think being the older person she’d have more bearing. She’s probably always treated him like this, he’s just tired of it.

[leslieberry]

You are right she is a single mom and his dad left and he had a problem like that too where the mom told he beat her when he didn’t so now he doesn’t forgive her for that.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok so I can understand the frustration. He’s probably mad at her too for dad leaving. She does have mental health issues sounds like it. But nothing is going to change unless he moves out on his own. Why isn’t he living on his own?

[leslieberry]

I don’t think he’s mad at his father leaving because I think he also doesn’t like him and a lot of things he does, he doesn’t really talk to him and it seems like his dad doesn’t care about him. He isn’t living on his own I guess because he isn’t really that responsible, he works on the weekends and I think it’s because his mom tells him to pay for the room where he stays, I guess if he started working everyday he could go live somewhere else.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes he could. Sounds like there was really no structure in his family. What would you say his mom is like aside from how she was this time around? Is she loving to him?
At some point you may have to leave him. Especially if he doesn’t change.

[leslieberry]

Aside from that I think she really worries about him, and sometimes he goes to her for comfort when he has a problem. She worries that he might get sick if he doesn’t eat well, she controls his meds because she doesn’t want him to take more than he should (it has happened), and she does ask me if he has arrived at my house or if he comes late. But I think she exaggerates things, she even told me to exaggerate some things with him so that he’s more responsible.

[Opinion Owner]

So step outside of your shell, from a neutral POV. Would you say your man is masculine or more like a child, maybe even feminine somewhat. what meds is he taking? Well you don’t have to tell me what meds but does he have mental health issues? If so chances are he got that from mom.

[leslieberry]

I think he is irresponsible and acts immature sometimes, the hard part about that is that I love him and I want him to be better, and he knows he isn’t being responsible and I’ve seen him suffer because of that and wanting to change and get better. He takes antidepressants and sometimes something to relax. He used to smoke a lot of pot but he stopped, which is a good change, that’s why I have some faith in him.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. That’s a start. But you have to set a time frame as well for yourself. Me sing how long do you stay w him before it’s time for you to move on. Because if nothing no changes this will only hurt you. Over time you will most likely resent him. Sounds like he needs more help than you can give him. So does he act more like a man or a female? I kind of wonder if his mom is masculine the way she acts.

[leslieberry]

I don’t really like the concept “acting like a man or a woman”, I can specify on some behaviors, I honestly don’t really know what you mean by that

[Opinion Owner]

Me sing does he take care of things regardless of what’s going on. Does he provide for you, take care of you, maintain his emotions. Yes I get not all men and women act feminine or masculine. But a lot of men would say men are more logical. Women tend to act more on emotions, let their emotions take hold of them. Does he cry or whine over a lot of little things. He sounds like he’s dependent on his mama.

[leslieberry]

He does give me gifts and takes care of me but he also asks me for things sometimes, like if they didn’t pay him in his work and needs gas but also he mostly drives me so I kinda get it. He is emotional but possibly that’s also because of his borderline, so he feels much more, he does like talking about any problem and doesn’t avoid that, like if I’m mad he can notice immediately and wants to solve it

[Opinion Owner]

I see. Sounds like a combination of things. I ask because his mom seems masculine so more than likely he would gravitate toward a female who is like that. Being told what to do, pushed around, almost bullied by his mom.

[leslieberry]

Maybe? But Im not a bully at all, I guess I do have some masculine traits because I resolve things and try not to show sadness or anger (?) just negative emotions in general

[Opinion Owner]

Yes sounds masculine. Was your mom like that w your dad?

[leslieberry]

Not really, my dad provides for everyone including my mom, and he lets her buy almost everything she wants, I would say I adopted more the personality of my dad because he has a lot of good traits, hard working, he isn’t emotional and resolves problems asap, and he really went through A LOT and still succeeded

[leslieberry]

I mean my mom is super nice and an extrovert, but I guess I like the way my dad is, organized and a go-getter

[Opinion Owner]

I see. I’m just asking because it sounds as though even though your boyfriend has problems w his mom, she takes care of him. Maybe not in a healthy way at times. I say this because that may end up being you one day seeing as how you seem like that man more than he does.

[leslieberry]

Yeah I do feel like he is more dependent on his mom, he def should be more independent and responsible and it does seem like his mom pushes him to do that

[Opinion Owner]

Exactly. Eventually when his mom is t there it’ll be your turn. Eventually you will get tired of it. Start to resent him. Most women don’t want to be the leader in a relationship. They don’t want to plan the dates, pay for things, etc. I doubt you’d be happy w that either if things turn out that way w him.

[septemberintherain]

You need to gtfo of this situation while you still can! These things only get worse over time… please stay safe and put yourself first ♥️

[AI Opinion]

Hmm, it sounds like there's a lot happening here. As a relationship coach, my goal is to help you navigate the emotional rollercoaster. 🚀 His aggressive behavior and how he spoke to you sound like big red flags. Communication and respect are crucial in relationships, and it's important to address these concerns. Maybe some heart-to-heart is needed on what causes his outbursts. Remember, your feelings matter just as much, and setting boundaries is key. If things don't improve, consider whether this is the right love story for you. Stay safe, and keep shining bright! 💫

[sawno]

Something is really really off there, the first point is the tit for tat attitude from his mom. That's highly unusual and it hints at an abusive relationship between them. Both having BPD is not surprising. I think when he took it out on you its because you poked something between them that's very sensitive to him.

Problem is, this may be learnt behavior and you have to triple check this is just between him and his mom. You don't want a guy to turn his violence towards you. If there's signs of that leave for your own safety.

[Staximus]

Whatever you do, don't marry this tantrum throwing vegetarian bitch boy. He sounds abusive

[trumpetplayerforlife]

It will only get worse get out while you can

[HungTexan]

I’d find a new boyfriend.

[Agape93]

Run.