How can I deal with my husband having no emotional intelligence?

Question

We have been married for 16 years, and I'm struggling with his lack of emotional intelligence. He’s either neutral or angry, rarely offers genuine emotional support, and avoids meaningful conversations. Despite efforts like therapy, things always revert. I feel exhausted and consider leaving, but I want to make it work. Has anyone dealt with an emotionally immature partner? What helped them improve, if anything?

DishLady · Accepted Answer

Technically therapy doesn't prevent or enhance EQ. It only allows them to be more aware that they have EQ so that they can ask better questions and get a sense of what you want. Many many guys HAVE low EQ even if they have very high IQ. It's a glitch from back in the prehistoric times when they had to "be men" and kill off harmful beasties to protect their family. So your "neutral to angry" description tracks. Guys with high EQ tend to be the ones who want you to crush the spiders and trap that mouse that's been messing with stuff in the garage.

Chances are that you will ALWAYS have to nudge and remind him of when you want a hug or "train" him to know that when you stand front and center and look at him a certain way that means you want a hug. He'll probably catch on and follow through, but it will be like that kid who needs time-and-a-half to finish the math test, you know?

So pick, sweetie... Angry Bird or Weeping Willow? Know what you want and stick with it.

Ask yourself. IS HE A BAD GUY? If he is, and "angry" means ABUSIVE then leave... you shouldn't accept things like violence, etc. If he isn't and "angry" just means he's verbally when he gets cranky about stuff then see if this is something you want in your life or don't... but know that this is never going to change. You can ADD a new habit but rarely change an old one.

Yes, I was married to a "high EQ" man -- sucked really bad bc it meant he KNEW how to push my buttons then get a "get out of jail free" card. I dated a low-EQ guy and while some things were on the dry side (emotionally), he was actually very kind and had "trained" himself to be really good with certain things.

Dealing with a low-EQ person now and it's... a process. You either have the patience for it or not. But think of forever with this person. Is that what you want? In my case I have time to decide. In your case... you're married to the guy...

PeachyPie93 · Accepted Answer

I found when you stop having expectations and putting all your resources into your man and move away from him emotionally. You realize you can still love the person but have to accept he will not make you happy so make yourself happy. Pull away from him, do your own hobbies, hangout with friends, spend less time with him and you will feel so much better when you aren't relying on him to do things or to make you happy because he already proved he can't do that for you. At this point you either accept how he is or move on but you don't necessarily have to move on if you can enjoy things by yourself.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

You need to have a serious talk with him and explain to him why you are feeling the way that you do , word of advice , Don’t point fingers at him before pointing fingers at yourself first. When you point fingers first , all it will do is backfire back onto you. So when you talk to him , try not to use the word YOU , instead say I am feeling this way , This has been heavy on my mind and I don’t know what to do about this , Every time I talk to you, I feel like I am talking to a wall, I don’t feel listened to or heard and I would like to try to fix this between us. If we can’t fix this , then I think it’s best we go our separate ways. Then listen to what he tells you without getting defensive, and try to understand where he is coming from. Once I started doing this in relationships , my relationships have been so much better with girls’ because she actually feels heard instead of feeling blamed. When you blame someone for the way that you feel? all they hear is you attacking them , so they immediately prepare themselves to defend themselves against you. You and your husband should not be enemies period , you both married each other because you both loved each other , We don’t get married to be single , if you do then that’s a whole different story lol. Understand no relationship is perfect , no matter what relationship you are in with anyone , you both will eventually butt heads , The only reason you are butting heads is because you are blaming them instead of blaming yourself first. So by you not using the word You , is going to make your husband listen to you more instead of preparing to defend himself. If you want your marriage to last , I recommend you start doing this and I guarantee your marriage with your husband will get better because you both will feel heard instead of being blamed. Hope this helps you

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

The hard truth is this is never a good sign especially if you’re putting all the emotional labor in getting little to none in return. You’re emotionally supporting him when he’s upset, stressed out, angry, having a bad day, etc… But there isn’t any there for you when you need it.

If you’re considering leaving you’re going to need to express it directly to him I don’t know if you can save it you can’t force someone to change. Many people who are empathetic think they can either change someone or save someone from themselves…. But that’s what some people want is a enabler.

I don’t know what you’re going to have to do… if that’s his only flaw maybe you can stay by his side accepting that’s the way he is but if you’re absolutely miserable it’s not fair to you. To be putting all the emotional labor into the marriage. When it should go both ways.

I know you want to make it work I assume you love him as well as just have put so much effort into this marriage to try to make it work. You’re going to have to have a serious conversation that you’re considering leaving but how you want to make it work. I don’t know what you’re going to have to do or if there is other flaws in the marriage.

I would say if there has been any affairs that you know about or there has been abuse. It’s time to leave

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Being a relationship coach and all, you know I'm here to help navigate those emotional rapids! 😎 It's frustrating when your partner's emotional intelligence needs a little boost. 💔 You've done therapy, but maybe try a casual approach like sharing books or movies that highlight emotions and communication. Sneaky, right? It can spark natural discussions. Playful, stress-free environments might help him engage emotionally. Your exhaustion matters too, so keep a balance between your needs and efforts. Finding ways for him to feel safe expressing emotions could shift things, but ultimately, it’s about happiness for both of you—even if that means big decisions. 💪❤️

AviatorTom · Answer

You've been with him for 16 years. This is nothing new. You are already dealing with it. Whatever you are doing, keep it up.

MrOracle · Answer

I've known men who were truly emotionally closed off or just always angry, so I know that's something that exists, but an awful lot of the time you get a man who acts this way, it's because his wife/girlfriend either gets upset at him whenever he shares with her emotionally OR she uses the vulnerabilities he exposes against him later whenever she's mad at him. The way guys work is, you do that to us even once, and most men will NEVER AGAIN trust you to open up. We will NOT stand for you (not necessarily the Asker here, but whatever woman) to take the most private and vulnerable things we reveal to you and then use them against us because you didn't get your way.

I don't know you and I have no idea what your relationship and dynamic is with him, so I'm not making any accusations - how could I with zero evidence? - and it's not necessary to tell me anything either. But if you have ever done either of these things to him - and you need to be brutally honest with yourself about that - then there's a good reason he's closed off to you, and that's never going to change until you truly acknowledge that you were wrong for doing that to him, and hurt him badly, and have resolved never to do that again. It's kind of equivalent to a man slapping you across the face - it's not easy to ever come back from that, and it's going to take REAL, GENUINE accountability if something like that has ever happened.

If that's literally not the problem, and he hasn't been able to get anywhere with therapy (he should probably be going alone, until he's able to deal with his own issues, before you go together), then this might not be able to be saved. That's obviously not something I say lightly - it IS a BIG DEAL to end a marriage - so hopefully you'll consider what I've said here seriously IF it applies to you.

XXTruthfulOgrexx · Answer

Men are significantly different than women when dealing with emotions. I myself will fully admit I approach such discussions analytically and do not respond very emotionally.

I also have zero interest in "meaningful emotionally " charged discussions. They never help me understand or deal with life issues. in my opinion it's just a waste of time.

His anger itself maybe his response to quite honestly not knowing how to voice, approach or knowing how to "fix" the problem. It stems from frustration not true anger.

This also translates to giving such support. I am 57 and the last time anyone saw me shed a tear was in my teenage years. My idea of support is to be the family rock. It's anchor, which means I never react emotionally, show emotional or discuss my feelings with anyone. It's just not part of my makeup.

I do not know your particular situation but honestly I think you maybe expecting or looking for YOUR idea of emotional intelligence but not realizing HIS idea of emotional intelligence is completely opposite.

Do not mistake his response of not knowing or having such "intelligence " but maybe him not exactly knowing how your expecting him to respond.

Basically, he could be very confused. He literally can't read your mind and even if you explained exactly what response your expecting he may still not comprehend it.

hahahmm · Answer

men and women are not the same. See my mytake Men Don't Need to Act Like Women

Sure, ideally your husband is your shoulder to cry on sometimes BUT we are wired very differently. If you tell us the same thing over and over at some point our eyes will glaze over and we are thinking about fixing cars/hobbies or whatever while you blather. We're wired to fix stuff not to complain about the same thing over and over. Would you go to a doctor for advice on painting your house? Would you go to an airline pilot for help with your makeup? This is sort of like telling a dude how you feel over and over and then getting upset if he doesn't respond LIKE A WOMAN would.

Traditionally men were supposed to be tough, dependable.. like a rock. The alternative is for the dude to be soft... and guess what? At that point he would need a lot of emotional support from YOU and most women aren't wired to give even 1/100th of the support to men as men give women so be real careful what you wish for.

Typically women can tell some stuff to a trusted girlfriend BUT: I would also caution you against going to people outside of your marriage for advice because often those people actually want you to fail or to need to return to them for endless paid therapy. Got to be very, very careful who you listen to. Favor those who are happily married over those who have 4 ex husbands or 120 ex boyfriends.

lightbulb27 · Answer

He's being avoidant and hiding his real pain and issues. As well, at that age, he's accumulated a lot of stress which can come from many sources. Who knows what the truth is or how dark it is to you or him? A lot of stuff orients to childhood... and he's successfully ignored it, but it sits there festering. Lastly, there is environmental stress.

To me, the Bible has it right again... maybe it rooted from somewhere else don't know..."the truth will set you free". He needs to get into an environment where he can be open and honest with his feelings without judgement.

So whatever method that is, but he has to open up and reconnect with his feelings... probably absent you. It's been a long long time since he walked down the isle and said amazing words to you, inspired by the drugs shooting out of his glands and his imagination to how amazing you are and ignoring all his flaws. Those drugs wore off.

So some simple things... journal, talk to God, go to church, mens group. Exercise is key, meditation can really help to "recenter and heal the brain". The hypothalamus is registering "full" and his adrenals maybe fried.

welcome to getting older! hoepfully with effort, he can heal, get to know himself better and get to know you, then recommit to loving you and at least meeting you half way.

Purpleronnie · Answer

Since I can’t imagine anyone loosing their emotional intelligence then then he has never had it? Or … he doesn’t feel connected enough with you to show it to you?
Sounds like there is more going on with him that he is communicating to you ?
Why is it about you having to deal? , maybe consider that it isn’t about you and about him.

Clearly something has changed… support him , reassure him and love him and you just might get him to open up. If it doesn’t , what did you loose by trying?

IslaTheWitch · Answer

how did you even end up marrying him? and staying for so long? it doesn't make any sense...

If he doesn't want to do permanent progress... and therapy doesn't help... I don't think you have many choices... or you get used to it... or you leave him and restart your life...

MannMitAntworten · Answer

Did you ever consider he is significantly more “emotionally intelligent” than you are giving him credit for? By not indulging into your emotion and remaining stoic he is likely trying to preserve what little peace he has within himself. Your emotions are probably overwhelming for him and perhaps for most men. If you want to understand the nuances you need to quell your own emotions and approach him with logic and reason. Observe, listen … you might pick up on his cues. In reading what little you shared you have cornered him so he has essentially shutdown so the responses you are getting are down out of emotional survival. Backoff. Listen and do not cut him off if he begins to share/speak. Women I know have a hard time not cutting off men when excited or want to be heard. Which is the absolutely wrong approach with men as that approach only loses us after a while because we realize we are not being heard, too, and it is all about you … so what is the point in speaking anymore?

Anonymous · Answer

“ He’s either neutral or angry, rarely offers genuine emotional support, and avoids meaningful conversations. “

I don’t see things from his perspective which is a big piece of the puzzle in order to reach a middle point to reach a solution. It takes mutual understanding & communication is key….

Though it sounds like you really love your man and don’t want to split ways with him. It sounds like you genuinely care and want to see him get better.

You want him to improve his overall mood and demeanor not just for you, but for him and it seems you really want him to support you emotionally just as you do for him, having meaningful conversations just as you do for him. You care about him, love him, and want him to be the best version of himself… Maybe make that the focus of the conversation with him and see if he sees things your way after you point that out.

Other than that, not much I could say. Good luck and he is lucky to have someone like you. Bye

civic · Answer

After 16 years, if he hasn’t changed, he’s not going to. Some guys just don’t do emotions, and if therapy didn’t help, nothing will. You either accept him as he is or leave. Staying and expecting him to suddenly become emotionally available is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Cormac995 · Answer

I think you should tell him that you're at your wits end and if he doesn't do better, you will divorce him. He might take things more seriously if he realizes how fed up you are with his behavior. Then if he still keeps fucking up and refuses to change then leave. It's on him at that point.

Anonymous · Answer

Typical guy. Just flash him your boobs to calm him down. Men when yiu are are telling them your problems their first instinct is to help or fix, just cuddle up to him after venting. Believe me if you've ever dated women you'd realise how useless emotional support is, it's basically someone nodding their head not helping.

candycane · Answer

After 16 years, change has to come from him. If therapy didn’t stick, he may not see the issue. Focus on what you need clear communication, boundaries, and self-care. If he won’t meet you halfway, ask yourself: Do you want a partner or just someone to coexist with?

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

So you need to stop looking at this like he needs to grow up or be fixed.

He doesn't want the same things out of a relationship that you do, which is why those things don't come naturally to him.

Its already over.

Wonder_Man · Answer

A joyful life may be waiting for you in ways you can't foresee. If you feel your journey with him has reached its end and you're no longer happy, it may be time to let go. Take the opportunity to reflect on yourself—understand why you were drawn to him, uncover the lessons you've learned, and move forward.

EmmaMary · Answer

And you've put up with this for sixteen years? I smell a dirty great big  TROLL

Anonymous · Answer

Adapt or get divorced. He came that way. If it is not longer working for you find someone who fits you better.  Sounds republican.. and who can live with them. They are conditioned to hate right now.

NicholasRedone · Answer

I'm sorry to hear Can I be tough love? I'm always glad that I never came across the wrong mate to pick.  You know? 😅

OneViewpoint · Answer

You're trying to fix stupid. It's not gonna work. Either decide to live with it or get out.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

So during the first 15 years... why wasn't it that bad of a problem then?

Nikki1989 · Answer

How have you made it through 16 years?

Professor-college · Answer

Well I would say that he needs to go to see a psychologist but if he doesn't have any intentions of trying to improve that side of him then you are wasting your time you should probably consider a divorce

DrPepper12 · Answer

Nothing. You can't change that. Live with it or leave.

Neverfail99 · Answer

If he doesn’t care enough to make an effort leave him.

Staximus · Answer

How did you not know this before getting married?

Anonymous · Answer

I would be interested to hear his side of this, lol.

Zoe04 · Answer

Was he like this before you were married?

PaleDale · Answer

Leave him, no emotional intelligence is a deal breaker for me

Eempriyanka · Answer

Didn't you know that about him when getting wedded? Why are you complaining now?

Anonymous · Answer

Either leave your husband or continue living with your husband.

locusteo · Answer

Try new things out and check for receptiveness. A little attention goes a long wah.

Hobobobo · Answer

Why did you marry?

jahaims · Answer

It took you 16 years to notice?

Ariesman81 · Answer

You can submit. Like a good wife.

Uglygaypoorcoward94 · Answer

you married this guy now you're complaining

kaucky1 · Answer

Your husband might be gay

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Keep him home alone and just use him for sex

wkhan_87 · Answer

Just deal with him wisely and kindly

Anonymous · Answer

That's a man, simple really

How can I deal with my husband having no emotional intelligence?

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