Friendship after having kids?

[Anonymous]

Where to even begin. A girlfriend of mine, that I’ve known for 16 years has been very toxic towards me.
I have a child, and a husband and I would say a very A4 life. Unfortunately my friend divorced her husband, this was about almost 4 years ago. No kids. She left a very bad relationship.
throughout the whole divorce I was by her side making sure she was doing ok. In general I’ve always been with her trough hard times. She has a lot of friends in general and lives a very perfect picture life of social media. She travels and attends parties/ dinners with friends and we meet up when we have the time. I never bother her. Early January and Feb she twice asked me if I had the time to go to hers for dinner. I never replied because I simply forgot. She’s the type that never replies fast, and it can go weeks before you get a reply. Last week I met her twice during one week. On the Friday when I met her I was so tired that day after a long day at work and handling my kid. I decided to however meet up with her at 21:00. I left the bar at 01:00 because I was so tired and had to get up early with my child. On Sunday she posted picture of us from Friday with hearts etc. Me thinking we had a very nice time together. However on Sunday evening she texted me asking why I never replied to her dinner request which I simply said h forgot and I apologized. Then she continued to go on about how I left early on Friday. And how I was longer out another day with other friends. She also mentioned how I have made plans with other people but I don’t prioritizee making plans with her. Long story short she basically said she needs friends in her life that actively spend time with her, if I can’t give her that then she will not prioritize our friendship. I in a kind way said I care for her and I want to spend time with her but honestly I have a lot going on. And I’m trying my best to juggle a lot at the same time.

Updates

1 y

She didn’t really care or take in what I said and continued gaslighting me and basically saying I’m in the wrongs. That made me furious because here I am saying I will try my best to get better but it is hard for
Me and she totally ignores that and said I hope you will get better. Not once did she say like she understands my situation and knows it’s not easy to juggle motherhood, marriage, work and life in general.
I never question when she’s with others or when she doesn’t reply etc

Updates

1 y

To be honest I vent all in. Gun blazing and put her in her place. She even sent me a video where someone says that friends should be able to hear the truth from friends.
I basically cut her out of my life right there. Because she didn’t understand and was gaslighting me all the time.

[HollyK21]

I had a friend like that for basically the same amount of time (15+ years, we met in high school), and I think ultimately you made the right decision. I think what sucks in our situations is that we didn’t have very good endings. After such long friendships it would’ve been nice to end things on a more amicable note but sometimes we don’t get that outcome. Same as ending a long term relationship on a bad foot and not getting closure after the breakup.


In your case, your friend was in a place where she wasn’t being very fair or rational. I’m sure a good chunk of it is her adjusting to single life now, trying to figure out who she is again and part of her personal journey is to find distractions aka making lots of plans with friends. On one hand there’s nothing wrong with her trying to rebuild a social life and distract herself, but at the same time she has to be mindful of the friends she’s trying to rope into her grieving/healing process, and she’s not doing that. She isn’t being considerate of the fact that you aren’t divorced and have a kid on top of working a full time job. Any good friend would be understanding and appreciate how much you accommodated her in the first place.


All this to say, despite things ending how they did, it sounds like this is for the better. All her efforts to victimize herself and the sheer lack of accountability show such a great lack of emotional maturity that you don’t need.

[Asker]

Thank you for this. I keep
Wondering if I am the one in the wrongs, but this whole behavior is so energy draining.
She could simply had said “hey I miss our friendship, can we both get better at prioritizing each other?

[HollyK21]

Agreed, she could’ve communicated this better but I also feel like regardless of how amicable the friendship ended, you wouldn’t have been able to keep up with her current needs.

I watched my now ex-best friend go through a very similar way of handling her divorce. I went from hardly hearing from her to trying to make plans no less than once a week. Part of me believe these women are trying to recapture a part of their youth that they feel they missed out on while married, aka their early to mid 20s. I also believe it’s just part of their grieving process and everyone’s entitled to healing in a way that works for them. However it doesn’t fully work for you, and a good friend would be mindful of that fact.

Her life is now changing drastically and I’m sure you wanted to support her through that, but part of it must always include her supporting you as well. That mean’s understanding it’s not your life that was just flipped on it’s head and you have other priorities, a marriage and a child. If she’s expecting you to prioritize her over your family, then that’s not a good friend and you are better off without her.

[Vevv123]

Growing out of friendships is normal. People go through different stages in life. Having a husband and kids by itself puts you in a different stage in life with entirely different priorities. Yet there are still friends that can keep in touch, adjust to your life, and be understanding. You have complete reasoning to be upset at her for not understanding you. I know cutting a 16 year long friendship can be hard, but I think it’s best to loose connection with her. She has no respect for your time and priorities, probably because she’s too busy thinking about what is best for her.

[Finchie40]

Life usually takes us in different directions and sometimes we lose close friendships from it , you can still be friends with her , but it’s not going to be like it use to be , especially since your friend is now single and doesn’t have kids’ her lifestyle is completely different than yours , she doesn’t have the responsibilities that you have with being a wife and a mother , which your friend truly doesn’t understand , because she doesn’t have those responsibilities like you do. So she can either choose to understand your situation or not.

[AI Opinion]

Balancing friendships with family life can get as tricky as juggling flaming torches while blindfolded! Sounds like your friend might be feeling a splash of jealousy or insecurity now you're in different life stages. Perfect-picture parties vs. family chaos – she might be longing for that same kind of connection. It's important to communicate honestly about your time constraints and emphasize the value of quality over quantity. 😎 If she's not understanding, well, that's a friendship red flag flapping in the wind. You deserve pals who get your busy life! Keep being an amazing parent and friend! 💪❤️