What should I do if I'm not attracted to my wife anymore, but I still love her?

Question

We've been married for 4 years and together for 7. I love my wife, but I no longer feel physically attracted to her. Her depression has worsened, and she’s become very dependent, jealous, and has gained weight, which affects our relationship. I haven’t been honest with her because I don’t want to hurt her, but I’ve also started developing feelings for a female friend. Should I tell her the truth, wait to see if my feelings change, or do something else? What should I do?

MikeTheBartender · Accepted Answer

Stop hanging with the other babe, don't try to help your wife if she doesn't ask. If she asks we will go down a way different road. Instead put huge effort into yourself. Gym, diet, etc. Fashion, get ripped get styled. When she starts getting jealous, which hopefully she will bring her in on it... Come to the gym with me let's try this new recipe together etc.

Do you guys have kids?

Catastrophic no kids, only married four years it's unlikely she can bankrupt you.

I highly highly encourage you to listen to some of James Sextons longer interviews. He's a divorce lawyer, but we aren't talking about divorce, he goes deeper into topics of relationships, loyalty, sex etc.

Based on what you've given us so far, there's still hope to turn this around... And although I'm not a fan of porn personally, aviator Tom is spot on, watch porn instead of cheating. If she catches you or catches your search, be positive about it, you've done nothing wrong... Turn it to her in a positive light... "Baby I want you so fucking bad, sorry I had to watch the other girls, but it made me think of all the nasty things I want to do with you... Or something like that "

Keep us posted.

Miristheiss · Accepted Answer

Well, did you used to be attracted to her? Then you can be attracted again.

Well, I hope you are not a fool who thinks you don't need to "work on marriage" and thought when you got married the butterflies and endless fun times and honeymoon phase was just going to last for 5o years.

Marriage takes active work and maintenance. You don't edge and trim your yard, get it looking immaculate and then do nothing to it for 10 years. You have to constantly maintain it or else you end up with overgrown weeds.

Did she let herself go and put on a bunch of weight? You have to lovingly communicate the truth and encourage her to start eating better as you eat the same stuff with her and start exercising with her.

A couple needs to stay fit and take care of themselves out of love and respect to their mate, they have to keep dating and to continue to go out and do new things together, they need regular focused time together to talk (no staring at the TV for 5 hours a night). You have to keep doing what you did while dating.

jennifer_bloom · Accepted Answer

Being honest is less harmful them being adulterous and escaping with another woman you are physically attracted to.

Also I learned this lesson from my dad when I was a kid, telling people what you want is a waste of time, unless you also ell them what they need to do to achieve the results you desire.

My dad would tell me to get higher grades, but he would never tell me what I needed to do to achieve those higher grades.

My parents would tell me I was fat but they would not tell me what methods of weight loss I could try that actually work. I find the methods of weight loss my dad forces on me only make me fatter.

The methods I try actually work, but my dad will not let me try those methods because he believes he is smarter than me and he thinks he is superior to me at making rational decisions.

DishLady · Accepted Answer

So you're CHEATING on your wife rather than trying to help her through this depressive state that's possibly contributing to her weight gain etc. How's about going for walks with her and getting into a healthy routine with her rather than letting your eyes wander?

SHE has become jealous bc you're a POS who gives her reason to be jealous. She's not stupid. She sees you.

She's dependent and gained weight? Did you tell her you'll support her for life... and make sure she had your kids... AND THEN start looking at this other woman?

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO?

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Love can be a wild ride! 😉 Falling in love is the easy part, but maintaining it requires effort. Open communication is key; be honest but gentle. Addressing her depression can be a start. Maybe counseling could work wonders in healing those wounds. Feeling attracted to someone else is a sneaky sign you’re craving something that’s missing. Don’t ghost your feelings, but try to reconnect with your wife first; rediscover those sparks! 💖

Finchie40 · Answer

If you truly love your wife like you say you do , then you are best to distance yourself from that other
Girl and focus on getting your wife the help she needs. How would you feel if the tables were turned and you were the one depressed and gaining weight and your wife starting flirting with another guy behind your back? Recite your wedding vows my man and help your wife , stop being selfish and only thinking about yourself

AviatorTom · Answer

Do whatever you can to avoid cheating. Talk to your wife and ket her know how you feel. If you really need the release, watch porn and masturbate.

natured · Answer

If you don't communicate with her things will not change, it is sad to see how this story happens so often in relationships.
Why is she depressed? Find the source and see if you can come up with something to fix it, organize romantic dinners, develop that communication skill with her be open to her, be there for her... If nothing works and she denies working on herself then seek professional help... sadly in this case it really depends on the circumstances and the reason why she is so depressed... But be honest about it and don't cheat on her, if you wanna jump into a new relationship end the current one first... but don't give up on her so fast it's not fair

Vevv123 · Answer

Lol You don’t know what love is. I’m sorry to tell you, but marriage is not all sun and roses, this is probably the time she needed you most and you turned around and backstabbed her. What she is going through is a perfectly human thing that can easily happen to anyone, including you. This is the reality of every marriage and when you love someone you wouldn’t think twice about standing beside them when they are at their lowest, rather than seeking solace elsewhere. You could have mentioned this to her and helped her find a way to get better. Now for you to have feelings for your “female friend” shows that you’ve already crossed the territory of emotional cheating. I’m sure it took much more to get to that point of having feelings if you think about it, I’m sure it wasn’t an overnight kind of thing. I’m sure you’re an adult who can recognize right and wrong here. The problem here isn’t her and my heart breaks for her honestly.

bunny234 · Answer

my boyfriend told me the truth about me being overweight. i think you need to tell her, try to be delicate, however explain that there is no other way around, and you would rather fix the issue and address it than let it fester. this will cause big problems. you shouldd mention you care about her, try to explain how her weight gain probably is contributing to her feeling depressed, and jealousy, because I guarentee it is. try to come up with a plan of action, and even work out with her, and eat healthy. be a team. I love how sensitive you're being towards it, I kind of am jealous. my boyfriend was not so gentle, so remember that being gentle and coming from a place of love really works.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

start to communicate... if her depression and change of behavior is your problem, tell her about it, talk about possible solutions, choose one, and make it work...

fucking things up using the excuse "I didn't want to hurt her" won't get you anywhere... start to put real effort into your relationship

Ferngully2000 · Answer

If you are in love with your wife, then I don’t know if you would have feelings for this other girl?

Maybe there are aspects of this another girl that you like because it’s positive, whereas life with your wife sounds like it’s got negative and hard. The another girl is an escape from this.

I’m in a similar situation and can honestly say the toll of the negative aspects of the relationship have caused you to look outside.

it’s difficult to know if your feelings are flitting or long term, but I would out of respect for your wife tell her, it’s also important she gets help for her depression.

Do the right thing and if it’s not working anymore, leave her before going into another relationship,

angels · Answer

She's struggling, and hiding how you feel won’t help either of you heal or grow. Attraction fades without connection and care. Talk, suggest therapy, and be kind. If feelings for someone else are growing, that’s a sign something deeper needs attention now.

SofaKingsMart · Answer

You should tell her.
Explain that when you committed to her in marriage, that you didn’t understand that it was a commitment that was intended to see its way through health AND sickness.
That you also didn’t understand that it meant you could no longer pursue other women you find attractive.
In the end, you are probably a large part of the reason why she has become depressed and jealous.

Let her go. She deserves better

cigarette · Answer

Be honest, but gentle. Your wife deserves to know how you feel, especially if her mental health and your connection are both struggling. Couples therapy might help. Don’t ignore your needs but don’t betray hers either.

OddBeMe · Answer

I’d say…it’s got more to do with emotional separation to her than finding her attractive.
If you look at my playlist of comediennes (word for funny chicks) I’d bang each one. And most aren’t conventionally attractive.

Not saying your wife should be funny. But there’s an emotional or intellectual connection that’s prob getting lost between you two.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Explore ways to reignite physical intimacy, such as creating a romantic atmosphere or trying new things. Most men fail at this miserably and then mope about why she has changed.

BarryLiverstone · Answer

First stop seeing your female friend if that leads to cheating; you made an oath and must be loyal. Next have a serious conversation with your wife about her health and plans to see a doctor. It’s not going to get better if you just wait for her.

Little_Bumblebee · Answer

I'm thinking... work on your relationship and try to help your wife get better.

NicholasRedone · Answer

Sounds like you need a new bed, new pillows, new couch, just no new woman.  It'll solve all your problems 🛋️ 🛏️ 🎨 🎭

jahaims · Answer

You failed as a husband. She has mental health issues and instead of you being a help you run to someone else. You are incredibly weak.

Anonymous · Answer

What should you do? Save your marriage. Cut ties with your female friend, help you wife get better, rekindle your romance.

blackeagle007 · Answer

Why aren’t you attracted to your wife anymore?

seeyounexttuesday · Answer

You need to be a man and tell her your issues. Offer to get her help and work out with her.

Eempriyanka · Answer

Divorce or part ways with her... and be with that female friend..

Blunky · Answer

How many times are you going to post this?

beams · Answer

divorce

Anonymous · Answer

Communicate with your wife, you idiot.

What should I do if I'm not attracted to my wife anymore, but I still love her?

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