My wife is no longer sexually attracted to me. What should I do?

Question

My wife and I have been together for a decade and have three young kids. She’s no longer sexually attracted to me, though she still finds others attractive. There’s been no infidelity, and we’re good friends. I’ve been working on improving myself and being more present, but her feelings haven’t changed. Our journey through deconstructing from fundamentalism and balancing grad school and work has taken a toll. I can't stay in a sexless marriage, but I also don’t want to live apart from my kids, nor can we afford a divorce. I feel stuck and don’t know how to move forward.

RavVid · Accepted Answer

Hmmh. I don't think it is easy for anyone to give advice. I am presuming from what you have written that you still find her attractive but she has told you that you aren't to her.

I think it depends a lot on whether she wants to stay in the marriage or wants to move on. Sometimes people encourage their partner to walk away rather than them initiating the break up. At the least she is doing a sex breakup.

There is a YT channel Happy Wife School that might help you as it talks about this and you might watch together. One point I remember is that women feel unattractive and don't want sex consequentially.

One of the ironies is that women will say No initially but end up having quite a nice time despite what they said. When we start letting them fob us off is the start of this road I think. There is probably a weird dynamic that... he accepted no, so he can't find me attractive anymore or he'd insist, so I'm unattractive... weird dark stuff following in the female mind.

Try Happy Wife School. Only thing I can think of.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Go in the bathroom get naked take a good look at yourself have flashbacks of when you guys first got together what has changed about you that she does not like is it your body your attitude your mindset are you controlling you have a big mouth

What and where have you changed do you like yourself

Something has changed and if you really love your kids and if you really like sex you would figure it out really quick like and start becoming that person don't be lazy take care of yourself be that same person you were years ago except for have a little bit more wisdom and quit being a dick that's the reason why she just do what she's doing
So make a choice and don't make it for one or two days follow through you probably need to get in better shape anyway

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

I'm here to sprinkle some relationship magic and help with that tricky situation! Sometimes, life throws curveballs that turn the heat down in a relationship. I get it—a sexless marriage isn't anyone's dream. Balancing family and personal growth while navigating deconstruction sounds like a wild ride.

Since you're a dynamic duo with kids, think about some open-hearted chats to rekindle that spark. Consider setting mood-building date nights or fun surprises to remind her why she fell for you. If you don't see improvement, a relationship therapist could be your superhero in disguise! Investing in reconnecting is investing in love.😍 Good luck, your future in love looks worth the effort!

DishLady · Answer

Have you asked her WHY she is not? Sounds like a job for a sexual therapist.

Having that many kids CAN impact libido, esp if you've taking long breaks from the physical after having them. She may also be worried about having more kids and so she's pushing you away.

Miristheiss · Answer

Take care of your business. Work out, be strong, be in good shape, dress nice, be a good leader, be romantic, take her on dates.

Don't put her on a pedestal, treat her well but require her to be respectful of you and treat you well also. If she pulls BS, call her on it and don't accept it.

Hopefully this will take care of things but if not and she still expects you to be celibate and that she gets all of the securities and perks of a marriage but she gets to keep you celibate than just divorce her.

Anonymous · Answer

Stop caring what she thinks and learn to derive value from yourself. Stop trying to sleep with her. Accept that she's sleeping with someone else. Prepare assets/income for divorce. Don't take on new job responsibilities or promotions. Get into the gym asap. Imrove your hygiene (mostly just ass, crotch and mouth) asap. Ditch your old dorky clothes and slowly add in more suitable clothes. Start socializing again. Get into hobbies again. Get into martial arts or sports leagues. Have a life, basically.

Or

Ignore this and continue exactly with what you're doing, and keep getting the same results.

Anonymous · Answer

this is why marriage is dying these days and it's not just due to the economy

the same feminists who bash marriage as being oppressive to women are now panicking men aren't getting married and therefore they have no financial security e. g. lifetime alimony

the federal government isn't gonna waste taxpayers money to fund the lifestyles of these feminists thus theft from men via socialism through divorce is how they get rich

society caters to women's feelings and the moment she feels a certain way (especially unfavorably towards you) you're basically fucked and marriage is a way to ensure you get fucked over when shit hits the fan

I hate to break it to you but she doesn't respect you, doesn't matter what you do from now on. best thing you can do is keep up with self-improvement to the point where you draw on attention from other women and then maybe your wife may changed her tune

morganherrel · Answer

You can't stay in a "sexless marriage"?

If you are not attractive, then you are not entitled to sex.

I'll repeat, if you are not attractive, then you are not entitled to sex.

What is the biggest thing holding you back from comparing more favorably to these "others" she finds attractive?

If it's physique or skin... I'm sorry but that's on you. If you want to attract her again, you can just earn it by working on yourself.

If life is hard right now and this is not worth the investment, then I guess sex just isn't that important to you.

MrPiercedD · Answer

If someone writes "we can't afford divorce" and "I've been working on improving myself" in one paragraph it means that the person is lying. First of all, everything what you wrote are just excuses. Second with writing that "we can't afford divorce" means that you can't afford divorce - for sure your wife can afford it. How to fix that? Change yourself. You have 2 options: learn how you can afford the divorce or truly change yourself, surprise your wife with something, bring some toys, be open for more, start going to gym, change your dressing style.
What will happen if you don't choose any of the options? You will find out on a hard way that you can afford the divorce (do you remember - she can afford the divorce).

comberchick · Answer

I would say 1 of 2 things wither she has already found someone who took over her emotional needs when u were lacking and it has now turned sexual for the new guy which would make any of your efforts null. Or 2 you haven't fixed the reason she's not attractive to her. U didn't specify what she said u needed to fix. Maybe try that.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Has she explained why? Is it just familiarity? Does she want to open the marriage? Could the marriage survive that even if you both think it might be a good idea? It sounds like it's not a physicality thing but an emotional or cost benefit analysis. I don't know. Have you considered going to a couples therapist?

Anonymous · Answer

Usually it's she doesn't want sex from anyone and there's nothing you can do except get it from someone else, but if she finds other guys attractive then make yourself attractive again, buff body, great clothes, hair, scent. If that doesn't work then get a girl on the side. The only other option is to leave her, and a girl on the side is much better if you don't want to split up.

Anonymous · Answer

Tell her what you told us. You don't want to be in a sexless marriage, but if she's not attracted to you anymore, you need an outlet. If she doesn't want you, she needs to agree to let you have a lover because you can't have sex with her knowing she doesn't want to, or like it. Once you tell her that, watch what happens. She may agree, or she may suddenly find herself wanting you again. Yeah, women are like that.

Unit1 · Answer

Sounds like a common recipe for cheating. Did you tell your wife about how you feel neglected from being sexless? See if anything changes after.

AgentG111 · Answer

Leave divorce and be free and able to enjoy life! She will not change or come back to you! She's already shut down in her head anything related to you. Get out as fast as you can.

Flower7 · Answer

Improving your appearance would be a good start.

_piotr · Answer

It is normal. Women are not physically attracted to men. They do not experience sexual attraction like men do. Just stop thinking about sex. Find something else to do in your life. Divorce is a sin.

Billlewis · Answer

Redouble your efforts to satisfy her orally, and encourage her to date other guys whenever she finds it necessary.

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Hormones are a bitch. Especially after kids and during menopause. Talk to her about it. It’s not necessarily a reflection on you. Be kind and gentle. She may not understand or may already be embarrassed about it.

noohair · Answer

I am sorry for you. I do not know how women think but when they decide something like this, it usually does not change. All the best to you. Good Luck.

snermcger · Answer

You need hand release. Make relax. Fifteen minute, no ploplem.  After, can focus on family, on job. Craig's List health/wellness.

Anonymous · Answer

Why do you assume a sexless marriage automatically means she's not attracted to you? I bet it has nothing to do with that.

Seangreen · Answer

Start packing your bags because she's probably already banging someone

EmmaMary · Answer

Get marriage counselling.

Fromdusktilldawn · Answer

women... always the same, its rocket science to get them turned on. Its a matter of time that she'll cheat on you

LiamJHayden · Answer

I soon as I saw "deconstructing" I knew ther was a disaster awaiting.

Slim57 · Answer

I'd leave her if she found others attractive but not me.

Open-minded99 · Answer

Talk to her and find out what's wrong

In_Trance · Answer

You'd have to ask her this

Alex-Snow · Answer

Ask her what you can do to improve.

SotiCoto · Answer

Get used to not having sex any more then.

kaucky1 · Answer

She knows it won't stay on so just kill yourself

Anonymous · Answer

I'll tell you in a couple of days.

Osborne775 · Answer

get kinky

Straight2thepoint · Answer

It happens bro.

My wife is no longer sexually attracted to me. What should I do?

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