If we’re breaking generational trauma, will we still mess up parenting?

[Vesuvius87]

Well my parents made many mistakes and I want to give my son a better upbringing. Even though both my husband and I are breaking the cycle of generational trauma, I wonder if my husband and I will still make mistakes?

Hopefully it's not as much as my parents. Our son is now nearly 14 months old and has recently started walking. More boundaries are going to be established. Since we're new to this healthier and new parenting approach (I'm using 2 parenting books, guides and examples on what to do online and through Google AI answers), we have no knowledge of it because no one in our family taught us this. Most in our family didn't even know how to parent without using fear-based parenting.

[Anonymous]

Lol half of the opinions here are obviously soaked in trauma.

No. You will not mess up if you break it. In fact you will be better equipped to prevent new trauma from forming.

Actually all myths and religions have the deep esoteric core a seed to break the trauma. For example mystical experiences with the holy ghost serve as a nurturing energy healing mother wounds, just as is the ayahuasca mother. Spirituality is inside each individual, and i am no longer just parroting this because it sounds smart. Not that i had any transcendental experiences, i did not, but i grasped the inner world slowly intuitively, definitely not just an intellectually stunning idea from reading joseph campbell. ㅤ

[MrOracle]

Of course you will make mistakes, and when your kids are older (say, 12), you can even tell them so. But you need to do the best you can, even knowing that you won't always get it right. Being perfect is the goal, even though you won't quite get there.

You also need to temper your kids' feelings in the moment for what's important in the long run. It's much easier to let things go or comfort them when they should be punished or just made to feel bad, but that's not going to make them good, moral, resilient adults.

Children need to have rules and boundaries, but there also needs to be some logic behind those rules and boundaries, and they will need to be adjusted from time to time as they get older and situations change. Kids won't really resent boundaries that are clear and have a basis in logic behind them - it's the unclear, poorly enforced, constantly shifting or nonsensical boundaries that they will resent.

Just the fact that you know that you need to do better than your own parents is a big positive step forward, but it also means that you were probably given bad examples that will be difficult to change, so take an extra few seconds and think it through before you take an action, and make sure you have explained the rules and the consequences of breaking them once they are old enough to understand.

[MrOracle]

Your kids should know the boundaries and the consequences of breaking them ahead of time, and you need to carry through consistently when they break the rules. This establishes that there will always be consequences for bad behavior, and that consistency will serve them well as adults. Being inconsistent is the worst thing you can do - it teaches them that they can get away with it, and to manipulate. The real world won't be that kind to them.

[Vesuvius87]

True. I'll be using non-physical consequences. My husband and I won't include physical punishment (spanking)... we find that lazy and uninspiring; as if you don't know what to do and act out of impulse and feelings; which has nothing to do with teaching by then. It's just them taking out their frustration.

[MrOracle]

That's completely fine. There are plenty of ways to punish poor boundaries or choices, and physical punishment is rarely necessary.

[_Jenny_]

@Vesuvius87 yes, you will most likely make mistakes, everyone does. However, it seems clear that you are definitely 💯 making a great effort to minimize the mistakes that happened in the previous generation. Hopefully you will eliminate the trauma. Good luck.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you and indeed I'm eliminating fear-based compliance. I find that so uninspiring and lazy. Anyone can get a child to obey out of fear but it doesn't get the real meaning.

[WhitneySnow]

You will make mistakes. But you’ll do a lot better than your parents.

[Vesuvius87]

Indeed. I believe each newer generation (generally) makes less mistakes than the previous one or if they do make mistakes, it's not the ones that cause trauma.

[molonski2]

Look you are doing the right thing for sure , just keep educating yourself ( and husband ) and focus.

My mother had 5 children , I was the youngest ( by 8 years ) for the time she had some good ideas , but not many , far too many put downs , far too many arguments , plus she would go though the house singing " I'm not the best parent in the world , I'm not the best parent in the world " ..

I did far better with my 2 girls , but circumstances made it complex , I did my absolute best I could , no ludicrous put downs , absolutely zero physical abuse ( which is what any form of striking is ) , when you actually learn how to use reason then the child is never too young.

Both girls did really my youngest ( 34 now ) was school captain and dux of the school , went on to complete 2 degrees.

You will make mistakes , everyone does , but focus on clear meaningful strategy, and if you do make a mistake always be prepared to apologise to your son , it will teach him a lot about manner.

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah I hate corporal punishment downplayed as "spanking or discipline". It's still striking little people out of frustration because the parent's lack of patience. Yet if we were to strike another adult like that then it's assault and battery. Your girls are lucky to have you.
I think what's wrong is too many people love the idea of having kids, taking them out outside and all the good parts but aren't prepared for the challenges that requires patience.

[molonski2]

I completely agree on striking ( and that's what it is ) , So say I'm 6ft 2in and I walk up to a 16 year old ( boy most likely ) and say " you did the wrong thing " I punch him in the face , kick him , smash him.
1. Besides me being charged. What's achieved? Probably the kid is more violent , maybe a better fighter.

It's the same with Children, all you are telling them is , I'm bigger than you and I will beat you.
How do you think that affects the child?

I went to a primary school filled with
pedophiles , and abusers , you can google it ( all boys abused only )

Beaumaris primary school Victoria Australia 3193 - Child abuse teachers

Anyhow , all part of learning what NOT to do..

[abc3643]

Remember this:
The genus Homo - humans - has been around for about 2 million years.
It was only 80 years ago that Dr. Benjamin Spock's "The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care" was first published.
Amazingly, the over 1.999920 million years before that, humans successfully raised children all without a book!
How did they do that?
They relied on two things:
1. The book that is stored inside of them called their instincts.
2. Talking to other more experienced people, especially older generations.

Don't go bonkers with any book's bullshit or other AI crap. Use your guts.
Your objective is to do this:
1. Raise a human who isn't going to be an asshole because, generally, being an asshole puts a target on your back and threatens your very existence.
2. Raise a human that can survive on its own. This means:
> Provide them with basic survival skills.
> Provide them with basic skills for surviving in the world.
> Provide them with a certain amount of education about human nature. Unfortunately, that's the hardest part because young parents like yourself likely don't know that all that well either. Mastering human nature can take decades and many never fully master it. If you can master human nature, you can make a lot of prediction about the real world.
> The only "boundaries" you put on your kid are the things that, if they "cross the boundary", they are likely to get killed or in trouble. Otherwise,...
> Be supportive and not overreactionary. Let your kid be whoever they are going to be as long as that is not a foolish asshole like Trump.

Don't overthink this and use your instincts, and you will do well.

[abc3643]

And, something else. I am not sure what you mean by "fear-based parenting", but fear is good thing for survival. That includes respecting authority as appropriate so you don't put a target on your back.

But, I want to be clear about something.
Nothing in the universe teaches as well as pain and suffering.
In psychological terms, negative feedback is a more effective teacher than positive feedback.

Here's an example:

Positive Feedback:
MOM: "Billy, I would like you to please clean your room. If you do, I'll give you $5."
BILLY: "OK, Mom." Billy cleans his room and likes the $5. Good, he's learning the value of hard work and the value of a buck... we hope.
Sometime later:
MOM: "Billy, I would like you to please rake the leaves. If you do, I'll give you $5."
BILLY: "No thanks mom." Billy doesn't need the $5 and wants to do something else...

Negative Feedback:
MOM: "Billy, I would like you to please clean your room. If you do, I'll give you $5."
BILLY: "OK, Mom." Billy cleans his room and likes the $5. Good, he's learning the value of hard work and the value of a buck... we hope.
Sometime later:
MOM: "Billy, I would like you to please rake the leaves. If you do, I'll give you $5."
BILLY: "No thanks mom." Billy doesn't need the $5 and wants to do something else...
MOM: "Billy, rake the leaves. We need them raked and I don't have time this week. I need you to contribute to the family.
BILLY: "No thanks mom." Billy leaves...
Later, Billy comes home. Billy's laundry isn't done and there's no dinner for him.
BILLY: "Mom, you didn't do my laundry today? I needed my soccer uniform cleaned to tomorrow's game. When's dinner?"
MOM: "Well, Billy. Since you decided not to help contribute to the family, I felt it was time for you do your own chores like your laundry and cooking. I'm not going to be there to do those things for you when you grow up, so time to learn to do those things AND to learn that actions have consequences."

(more)

[abc3643]

Now, that's a relatively harmless example, so I will give a more direct one:

Notice that society doesn't pay people to not commit crime. (That's positive reinforcement.)
We incarcerate them to make them learn how to behave in a civilized society. (That's negative reinforcement.)

Positive reinforcement is about reward. Getting the reward sometimes is not an enticing enough option for the person to act the way you want. The person's options are pleasure or not pleasure.

Negative reinforcement is about punishment. Do the act or suffer the consequences. The person's option is pain or not pain. That choice is a lot simpler and clearer to make than the other one.

[abc3643]

I will say this:
Spock is good.
This is the first line of his book and is basically what I am trying to say when I first posted to this question.

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

This is in Wikipedia and it is very good:

Synopsis
...
Unlike leading child care experts prior to the 1940s, Spock supports flexibility in child-rearing, advising parents to treat each child as an individual. Drawing on his psychoanalytic training, he explains the behavior and motivations of children at each stage of growth, allowing parents to make their own decisions about how to raise their children. For example, Spock has an entire chapter devoted to "The One-Year-Old," in which he explains that babies at this age like to explore the world around them. He then suggests ways to arrange the house and prevent accidents with a "wandering baby."[16]

Spock emphasizes that ultimately, the parents' "natural loving care" for their children is most important.[17] He reminds parents to have confidence in their abilities and to trust their common sense; his practice as a pediatrician had proven to him that parents' instincts were usually best.[18]

This is how I was raised I believe and it was remarkably done well. I told my mother, who is 83, this past year how astonished I am at how I was raised and didn't become a racist, Trump-voting asshole despite growing up in a community that is filled with racist, Trump-voting, serial-killing assholes.

[slatyb]

We all mess it up to some extent. Recognizing the trauma you were raised with and deciding not to repeat it will make all the difference. My advice is this: if you expect your two-year-old to do the things two-year-olds can do, you will both be happy. If you expect your two-year-old to behave like a four-year-old, or worse, expect a six-year-old to behave like a ten-year-old, you will both be miserable.

I raised my child on the theory of natural and logical consequences. If a child can safely experience the logical consequences of their actions, let them. Forgot to take lunch to school? Go without, ask someone for food, I'm not rescuing you. Young child outside wandering into dangerous areas like the street -- you can't allow them to be hit by a car, so remove them and tell them that when they can stay where they are told, then they can come back. Works wonders. No yelling unless something serious is about to happen.

[Vesuvius87]

Those two are indeed good examples. There are some dangerous things that we can't apply natural consequences with. It's true that we have to let a kid act like what they are, a kid. They aren't grown-ups that can fully regulate their emotions yet. Some grown-ups can't regulate their emotions and expecting a kid to do is asking too much.

[BCRanger10]

Of course you'll mess up. You'll still do things you've promised yourself you won't do, you'll still fall short of your own hopes and expectations, and you'll still be faced with new sets of challenges that you hadn't anticipated. And in a few cases, you may understand after all why your parents did and said what they did and said.

You'll still make mistakes. You just need to make peace with that, don't have crippling anxiety over it, acknowledge your mistakes, learn from them, and amend your life and behavior accordingly.

[NathanDavis]

mistakes will be made, for sure... but that's just life

now, making a mistake or some mistakes won't necessarily mean "messing up" the whole process

mistakes and learning from them... are also part of parenting, and growing up... so, we should just focus on handling such mistakes as well, the best way we can, to correct and adjust a life that it is NOT and will NEVER be... perfect

[Anonymous]

the issue with kids raised by generational trauma is that they tend to be screwed up in the head in some sort of way with mental issues. It is uncommon to walk out of an abusive childhood without some sort of emotional scars or something mentally wrong with them in the head. So they raise their kids by either spoiling them, giving them too much, not enough discipline, or their kids will be the victims of their mental issues. One thing I have noticed common with abuse victims is emotional dysregulation.

[Vesuvius87]

What makes it worse is I can actually identify myself with a mild level within the spectrum. I tend to get sensitive and can get verbally emotional when explaining my hurt feelings, the people from old-school BS can confuse that for backtalking but I'm not even saying bad words nor yelling. I'm just expressing my feelings and something I feel unfair about. My mother keeps saying I'm obsessed with previous mistakes make, how I shouldn't get sensitive, how her half-brother would get treated more harshly by his father (my maternal grandfather), even worse than by father and he's not even traumatized one bit, that he even thanks his father for those past harsh physical punishment. Well I don't understand that logic at all. I have the rights to feel how I feel without getting judged like that. I'm not my mother's half-brother.

[Vesuvius87]

Therefore I'm really a neurodivert myself and I believe my husband is within the spectrum too. He's very traumatized by his mother using an extension cord on him for years. He hates physical punishment on kids. I hate it too. I have a deep seated hatred for it (even if someone only does it once... once is already too much for me) that honestly I'd rather my son said I was soft with him than an ''my mom was hard on me'' if I had to select between the two extremes. I'd rather get accused for being soft than being hard.

[Opinion Owner]

@Vesuvius87

so because you faced a traumatic experience with physical discipline, then that means your child will never be physically disciplined. I was physically disciplined as a child, not a traumatic experience for me at all. It just sounds like your parents took physical discipline to an extreme level. There is a difference between throwing a frying pan at someone and fracturing their skull versus hitting them on the butt with a hanger. There is a difference between punching someone in the face and knocking their teeth fall out versus getting 10 slaps on the palm with a bamboo stick.

if you want me to be honest with you, there is nothing more effective than physical discipline. I know this because I was a bad lazy kid at one point and it was physical discipline that straightened me out. I learned because it hurt. Same with my cousin. Going too light on punishments is a problem in American culture. That's part of the reason why American kids are amongst the most unruly and disrespectful in the world. American kids are not raised to respect authority but to defy it.

Key to a good childhood is balance. Don't be too hard, don't be too soft. Raising kids too softly causes them to be spoiled, entitled, irresponsible. Believe it or not, some of the most well taken care of kids grow up to become one of the laziest, entitled, spoiled adults. While raising kids too harshly leads to traumatized, mentally ill individuals. Teach responsibility, work ethic, respect, social skills, education and they will succeed well in life.

If you give them a new toy, hugs everyday, let them live in comfort where they don't do chores or any expectations to meet, I guarantee you that your kid will grow up to become irresponsible and lazy.

[Opinion Owner]

If you give them a new toy, hugs everyday, let them live in comfort where they don't do any chores or have ** no** expectations to meet, I guarantee you that your kid will grow up to become irresponsible and lazy.

[Vesuvius87]

It was only my father using the belt seldom times (I was 8 the last time he used that and then it was the threat of that, I hated it and still do... no I don't understand the point of hitting or threatening a child) and no, I don't appreciate getting hit at all. No, I do NOT thank him for that. I don't care if it's a punch, slaps or getting hit on the bottocks with household objects. How about don't hit me, unless it's between two adults are consenting to it? All I remember is the embarrassment and fear, nothing. My reaction would've been the same if a hanger would've been used. Plus it's always done either in anger, followed with yellings or out of frustration in total silence. My mother wasn't the one delivering the physical punishment but she was a yeller and would at times compare me to others, saying things like ''Why can't you be more sociable like your friend Joanna''.

I'm sure there are firm ways you can discipline a child without hitting them with household objects. Even though it was seldom times, it was still enough to delay part of my social skills. I would've been better without the physical punishment. Plus those times that was used, it was done as first resort. He didn't even try other things. For instance trying to chase me with a belt in anger for not understanding how to operate a remote control and I had to lock myself in the bathroom, I thought that was crazy. Or threatening to hit me with the belt at age 14 (I felt like a young adult by then) for losing my Godmother's expensive, golden bracelet, I felt that was a crazy reaction for something I didn't even do on purpose; good thing my mother intervened and even she thought that wasn't normal. Then there were a couple other times when he was in a good mood, he did nothing. So that's inconsistency right there, going from doing nothing and spoiling to extreme physical punishment done in anger for nonsense.

[Vesuvius87]

I'm a Latina against it but yes my husband is American. I never really saw it as discipline. I saw it as an adult venting out and taking out his/her just because the kid pissed them off, nothing else. It's always done out of feelings and impulse because you can't do anything else but hit.

[Opinion Owner]

@Vesuvius87

Your parents were probably uneducated and poor right? Yup, these parents are more likely to abuse their kids more since parenthood is harder on them

Hitting due to losing a gold bracelet? Yes. You should be hit. That is just irresponsible

Hitting cuz you don't know how to operate a remote control? That's unreasonable

Not all parents hit their kids just to vent and the only reason why you assume all parents are like that is cus you were traumatized

Hitting doesn't have to be traumatizing. There are plenty of people who have been physically disciplined that aren't traumatized or suffering from mental illness. But it's just your parents did it the wrong way. And it's impossible to explain this to you since you suffer from a mental illness as a result of it.

[Vesuvius87]

My golden bracelet fell out of my small wrist and I did tried to searched it. Prior to that, I had informed my parents twice in advance that the bracelet is slipping and my wrist is small. They said they would solve it but did nothing. I was told to continue wearing it. Right now, it's not my fault. I didn't do that on purpose. I find it sad you're justifying children and teens getting hit for mistakes. So basically it's like you have to be on survival mode, avoiding making mistakes. Don't make a single mistake or it can led to a harsh punishment... horrible.
Secondly, a disorder such as ASD (autism spectrum disorder) isn't created by how you're raised. You're born with it and it has genetic basis. If you're already born with a disorder (even if it's mild), you're already having a hard time making friends as a child and interacting with others at people and on top of that end up with parents that lack parenting skills, that can delay your cognitive and sociable skills even more, that makes things even worse.

[Opinion Owner]

@Vesuvius87

Well I hope you have a naturally good kid. Because you will never be able to tame a bad kid by just taking away his candy or his phone.

Physical discipline shouldn't be used for mere mistakes. One mistake is ok. Two mistakes is ok. But any more than that, something needs to be done. Maybe taking away privileges... and if this doesn't work, you will need to put in physical discipline.

If a child has continuously disobeyed you, never learned, never follows orders, never respect authority then they need to be physically disciplined. Constantly sympathizing with the bad child and letting them get away with things is how you will raise an entitled, disrespectful, lazy adult.

Physical discipline isn't the issue. The issue is your parents are both bullies, looking to hurt others and abuse their power. That's not called discipline at all. And you need to understand the difference.

Historically, physical discipline was a normal common thing in all cultures around the world, including American culture for thousands of years. It is only the past few decades where it's illegal in america. And guess which country has the most unruly, disrespectful, irresponsible kids? america

[Vesuvius87]

It's still legal in American but in my country (Peru) it's been banned since 2015. In fact, in even several Latin American countries and some European countries, that practice got banned too. If it was great in the past, then there wouldn't have been any ban going on and parents wouldn't have abused their position for too long. Things get banned for a reason and that's when there is an overwhelming protest going on due to lots of complaints.

[Opinion Owner]

@Vesuvius87

Well I hope you get the worst kid on earth and let's see how far you will go by simply taking away privileges.

[Vesuvius87]

I see. It's obvious we clearly have very different philosophies on this, so let's just agree to disagree. Bye

[Opinion Owner]

Physical discipline saved me from a terrible life not doing homework, failing in school. Same for my cousin. If my dad didn't whip me into shape, I wouldn't be the educated professional that I am today. No, I am not traumatized. Neither is my cousin. Most of us aren't. Physical discipline works if done the right way. It just frightens me when people see I see how unruly and disrespectful kids are nowadays and parents who enable this type of bad behavior.

Physical discipline reaches depths that merely "grounding" or taking away privileges will never be able to.

It's not right for parents to rather let their child grow up into a crappy person than give tough love. You do whatever it takes for the child to grow up into a decent person.

[Vesuvius87]

I call it physical punishment. I don't feel like it's making me learn about being an organized person nor stay focused on life goals. To me, an actual physical discipline would be making someone do exercises where they end up sweating from all that hard work. I never felt getting hit by a belt or hands is a discipline. I always felt it was humiliating. That's just me and I can't feel what you're feeling.
I'll play the devil's advocate for a moment: if getting hit on the bottocks with a hanger or getting 10 slaps on the palms with a bamboo stick was working then why would it continue being done more than once or twice? Someone would already be on survival mode, avoiding physical punishment at all cost?

[Opinion Owner]

@Vesuvius87

because kids, especially very bad kids, don't learn from lenient punishments. they learn when it HURTS. Imagine you an adult being late to work everyday and all they get is a super light punishment such as being deducted 15 minutes pay for the lateness everyday. Then they will just CONTINUE being late... Now if you take away all of this worker's vacation days for this year, they might change because the consequences are more severe.

I was a bad kid at one point in my life... I learned the most when punishments physically hurt... it made me remember...

Do you really think a child will learn their lesson by just doing 20 pushups on the ground? what if they refuse to do the push ups? are you just going to let them get off scott free? then a week later they will disobey you again? It does not sound like you have any actual experience with parenting. Now, that the child is disobeying you at every turn because they have learned that you enjoy SOFT parenting too much. If a child knows that you are afraid of being hard on them, they WILL disobey you even more.

I only hope you have a good child... because you will never be able to handle a bad one.

It must STING in order for the child to learn.

[OneViewpoint]

As long as you keep believing you're a victim of generational trauma, yeah you're gonna make mistakes raising a kid. Because all your decisions are gonna be based on your own identity and baggage, not your kid's needs.

Rest assured, you're gonna make some mistakes. Everyone does. Just try not to make really egregious ones. Your kid will generally be resilient enough to tolerate a few minor imperfections in you. Relax. Focus on doing the right thing.

[Vesuvius87]

Then there are times parents think they're doing things for your own good but things get complicated when the child grows up and there is something they didn't like and don't agree with them.

[OneViewpoint]

And the child needs to leave that baggage behind them and get on with life at some point. Women in particular seem to struggle with letting go and moving on for their own good with regard to parents. How long are you gonna keep blaming your parents for all your problems? You are 20 years into your adult life. When are you gonna take charge of your life and start to take accountability for your own decisions? You can't relive the past. You can only move forward. Stop being a professional victim.

Let that sink in.

[AngryCarl3]

All parents make mistakes. The best you can do is make different mistakes to what your parents did. And don't be too hard on your parents because their parents made mistakes too.

[Vesuvius87]

True. Even though I'll still make mistakes it would be different, mild ones in comparing to the more intensive ones my parents made.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I'd say there isn't any parenting, or life, without traumas involved. But there's trauma and trauma, so if you can avoid passing on the intense ones then all the better. Ideally, it will create more balanced individuals, that is, if society, and luck, work with you. But you're not responsible for society and luck ofc

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah I'm not responsible for school for instance. While he's treated with respect at home, unfortunately it would be out of my control if in the future (when he starts school), a classmate is rude and doesn't want to be his friend.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I would not say it's totally out of your control, because you can still interact with school staff, either to provide information about your kid and hope they'll take that into account. And guide the kids about how to navigate socialization at school, friends, foes etc. but that part is quite complicated to manage in recollection lol

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah I can still speak with the school administration about it. What I can't prevention is my son having the experience that not all his school classmate are going to be his friend. There is always that classmate that will dislike him. Basically not everyone is going to like him.

[tzdc21]

If there's one thing that will never change, its being the perfect parent. Nobody's gonna achieve that.

[Vesuvius87]

True. There is always some imperfection my child can notice in the future. I'll try my best though.

[tzdc21]

Sure thing! That's all you can do.

[canamlusciouslad73]

Even the best parents err, because all humans are fallible. Be sure you unconditionally love your children, even when you punish them.

[Vesuvius87]

My son has my unconditional love permanently, all the way till the end.

[canamlusciouslad73]

Congrats, Vesuvius87 !!!

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you

[beenherebefore]

Of course! Most Parents are doing their best to raise their kids and they're not perfect. Every human will make mistakes at some point.

[DirtyOldMan777]

yes. Unless you have great mentors outside of the family.

[Vesuvius87]

Yeah my husband and I are pretty much on our own with gentle parenting. We'll figure it out by reading and educating ourselves more about it.

[DirtyOldMan777]

yeah, see, gentle parenting raises disrespectful kids. seen it happen to often. kids need discipline and spankings. as they get older and given more responsibility. natural and other consequences come into play.

[Vesuvius87]

Why would I hit my child? I dislike belts, paddles, sticks, religion, etc. I find spanking lazy. I find people using religious quotes as an excuse pathetic. That's like saying you've already too upset to think, want an easy solution and give up on applying non-physical consequences.
I think I just might not have immediate results in seconds (short-term) like spanking does but he'll be better off in the long-run.

[RavVid]

Don't think boundaries are a good idea because your boy will just want to break them if he has any spirit.

Better if you let him learn not everything is a good idea by getting hurt.

[Vesuvius87]

It depends. For instance when my son gets older and it's about not wanting to wear his coat when it's cold then the natural consequence is he'll feel cold. I'll still take his coat with me and place it on when he's cold. If it's about running down the streets well I can only apply the logical consequences, which he doesn't get to be outside and we'll head back home.

[EmmaMary]

Just what the hell is "the cycle of generational trauma"?

[Vesuvius87]

It's when parents had no patience, used to scream at their kids, used verbal threat/harsh tones (dare talkback to me and I'll knock your teeth out) and hit with objects but insteading of using the word hit, some people still have it downplayed as spanking. Then they used to call that ''discipline'' when it's not and never was. It was just pathetic, losers unloading their frustration and anger just because the kid pissed them off at that moment.

[Vesuvius87]

That was the old-school garbage. Pathetic parenting. That's what I mean by breaking the generational trauma because that's been going on for centuries, from genetation to generation. Then people saying they're grateful for that, eww.

[EmmaMary]

Goodness Me!

Thank you so much for the extremely interesting and in-depth explanation.

Thankfully neither my two elder sisters or I ever experienced such horrors, therefore we are all bringing up our own children following the same true values as taught and instilled into us from our amazing loving parents.

Obviously with the best will in the world we will all encounter making the odd mistakes and errors, from which we quickly learn from, and pass on to both my siblings, and in future onto our children.

No one ever said that parenting was going to be easy, but what a wonderful, exciting and fulfilling journey we are on.

[Vesuvius87]

You're lucky. There was no need to ever strike kids. Indeed parenting isn't easy and I'm ready to apologize to my son if a mistake (different one) is made and fix it.

[Massageman]

Of course you will still be making mistakes. We all do. Maybe you will OVER-correct relative to YOUR upbringing. But, we can also learn from our mistakes, and those of others.

[Vesuvius87]

True. My first mistake I've just recently made was laughing and kissing my son (well he's 14 months old now) after he buried his head on my arm, sunk his teeth and bit me for the first time. Oops. I told him no the 2nd time though and just redirected him into something else.

[Massageman]

Teething?

[Vesuvius87]

yeah he has 5 teeth by now; 2 upper, middle teeth and 3 lower middle teeth

[Vesuvius87]

Though he doesn't like chewing on his teething toys and never did.

[Just_Ken]

Generational trauma is nonsense. More im a victim woke nonsense 🙃

[Vesuvius87]

Many people didn't know how to raise kids in a respectful manner with patience back then. They thought just unloading their frustration just because the kid pissed then off at that moment was "discipline and teach morals" when all they did was lose their patience and reacted out of desperation and impulses, nothing to do with teaching at all nor morals at all.

[Vesuvius87]

Many of us were raised in that manner by either one parent or both. Several of us do NOT feel grateful for that. Grateful for losing your patience, for what anyone can do? Nope. That just makes you into someone with more flaws and problems controlling your temper, unable to regulate your emotions, emotionally unstable.

[Just_Ken]

youtube.com/shorts/BlvMF2FGeCQ?is=pWA3AQ5fYErryIN6

[Vesuvius87]

But the other impusive, fear-based parenting created us too and we're very unhappy about that aggressive, pointless parenting style. I even had to go seek a psychologist once for that. So we're trying to find a middle ground that establishes boundaries, discipline and rules but without hitting nor using threats or violence. I'm a daughter of an old-school father who was inconsistent several times. He would either go frome extremes of doing nothing to applying fear and threats. Those are extremes.

[Lynx122]

Yes but it's still worthwhile to make that effort.

[Vesuvius87]

True. One of my male cousins said the same thing and failed to keep his promise of no fear-based compliance. He gave up so fast after his now 4 year-old kid threw a tantrum (throwing the food plate) and impulses took over; he went back to old-school garbage. All talk and no effort, lol.
Unlike me, if I've reached the point of hating something and made a promise for years... I never go back on my words. I always hated corporal punishment on kids, never found anything to be grateful about getting hit. Still hate it and always will hate it.

[Vesuvius87]

I've analyzed all scenarios (even search for many examples and what to do on Google) and find none where my son can get to push my buttons like my cousin, none.

[ThisSiteSux]

Helicopter parents and parents that give easy lives to their kids are the WORST parents. Their kids are always spoiled weak little shits.

[Vesuvius87]

I was thinking of the Montessori parenting approach. That's what it used to be called long ago when it was created by Maria Montessori as a school of teachings for kids. It has been in used since 1907 and it can be consider an early version of what is now known as gentle parenting.

[theskyrider]

Good you are thinking this way ❤️

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you

[Sexiestjohnson]

What a superb question!

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you. Several parents make mistakes in the past but acted like it was no bit deal and expected you to just get over it. Then if you still feel hurt and express as an adult what they did wrong, you get told you're sensitive and need to get over it... just like that get over it lol.
If my son feels I'm not being fair and make a mistake, I would want him to express that.

[Sexiestjohnson]

The world is broken. We all need healing. If parents tell you what they had to face, you would forgive them in a second.

[Vesuvius87]

Apparently they had it even harder or worse than me.

[Micheal6918]

Parenting won't be messed up

[Smileygirl2000]

It's all about perception.

[Vesuvius87]

True and I never liked fear-based compliance.

[Limited_Edition5]

Most likely also could something could be genetic.

[Vesuvius87]

If it's genetic then I would continue doing my search and even get help if needed. I'm not giving in to impulses like many parents used to in the past.

[Limited_Edition5]

It could be passed to your child.

[Vesuvius87]

Then that would be an even better reason to understand my son and get him help.

[FrodoSkywalker007]

Parenting is always full of failure

[Vesuvius87]

True. I believe the point is to continue making less mistake than each previous generation.

[In_Trance]

Probably