Why would anyone want to settle as being the other woman/man?

[kitkatto]

I caught my ex cheating with his ex. All throughout our relationship, his ex was still in the picture trying to butt in. My ex reassured me that I had nothing to worry about, while he was busy hooking up with her behind my back all three years of our relationship.

I stalked his ex’s account and saw that she kept on preaching about being a boss babe, about maintaining your self worth as a woman, about self love and not settling for less. But I remember she texted my ex begging him to take her back even if only as a side chick.

She’s in her mid 20s and seems successful so I don’t understand why someone like her would be okay with being the side chick? My ex wasn’t really a prize either in all honesty. Yes he was extremely fit and attractive but he was also emotionally unavailable and very manipulative. So why?

[ProbablyClueless]

Some people get a power trip off of feeling like they can take something that isn't their's. For most people, it's because they don't think they have any better options.

They can't actually get the person they want, so they'll settle for a piece of what they want. Rather than the whole of something they don't.

[kitkatto]

True, that’s a weird kink but I’ve seen it a lot…

[ProbablyClueless]

Yeah... a lot of people are into power and control games

[serious]

Only people who don't have self respect or lack self respect will be ready to make this type of compromise or settlement.

[kitkatto]

I agree, why lower your self worth for a cheater

[serious]

@kitkatto

Correct.

[serious]

@kitkatto

Seems you are new here on GAG. I hope you will enjoy your stay here and get good opinions on your questions.

[kitkatto]

Aw thank you! I’ve actually been a long time lurker on this site but just finally decided to join. I appreciate the warm welcome!!

[serious]

Thanks for the MHO

[AI Opinion]

Oh, the tangled web of relationships! My aim here is to unravel the mix of emotions and behaviors. 🎭 Often, it boils down to the allure of feeling desired or the thrill of forbidden love. For some, a deep emotional bond or unfinished business pulls them in. 🤔 Occasionally, the excitement of being the "other" intensifies passion and drama—which, let's face it, can be enticing. But it's crucial for both parties to value themselves beyond being a secret or backup plan. 🚀❤️ Embrace the lessons you've learned and focus on attracting healthier, mutual love into your life. Remember, you're worthy of so much more! 🌟

[Finchie40]

Because some people are just over relationships but they still like the enjoyment of intimacy and affection with barely any strings attached , When my wife decided to ruin our marriage and started treating me like shit , i separated from her and told her it’s best if we go our separate ways because there is no fixing our marriage , we both were unhappy and realized we wanted different things , I ended up meeting girls’ that were coming on to me that weren’t telling me the truth about her relationship status , Just telling me she was single and not looking to rush into things , which I was fine with because I wasn’t looking to rush into anything either , so we started having sex and being FWB’s after awhile the truth would shine and I would find out she was married or in a relationship and then I realized I was the side guy, this unfortunate happened to me a few times to the point I no longer care whether I am the side guy or not because I consider myself an honest guy that enjoys intimacy and affection, so if she wants to cheat on her partner with me , that’s her problem not mine, I will make it clear to her to not make it my problem if she plans on going back to her husband or boyfriend and tell her that this is nothing but sex. I realize I am not going to commit to anyone that isn’t fully committing to me , but if she wants to get laid , I am all about it.

[kitkatto]

I can understand FWBs but why knowingly go after someone who’s already committed though…

[Finchie40]

I don’t they lie and say they are single

[kitkatto]

Some people just suck

[Finchie40]

Yup most people do , the ones that have no dignity or respect for anyone but themselves , No relationship will last if both partners’ do not remove selfishness for each other , Selfishness is the biggest relationship killer these days and everyone has selfishness in them , but if you can’t remove it for your partner , then don’t expect them to remove it for you , it needs to go both ways or that relationship is doomed in a matter of time. Couples should be making each other their top priority over everyone else in this world , over friends’ over family , over coworkers ets.. if you no longer are your partners’ top priority? Walk the other way and realize you deserve to be a priority and not a convenience whatsoever. Someone that treats you like a convenience only loves themselves, they don’t love you whatsoever, they just love what they can receive from you , that isn’t Love , that is selfishness

[MrChinaski]

Sex is like pizza... even when it is bad it is good.

[kitkatto]

@bddddd as long as you got some huh lol

[ohsheeT]

When my son was 5 years old. We were watching the news on TV.

And something came on about this guy who was going to prison for killing his girl friend.

And out of the blue he asked me
Dad how come God makes people like that

I just looked at him and I said I'm not sure that he made him like that. I think in time as the guy grew up he made bad choices and became that way.. . Just like us we make choices everyday. And this is to remind us all who we don't want to be in life. And to remind us there are people out there like this..

[kitkatto]

Yes every one has free will so it was entirely the person’s choice to make those bad decisions

[ohsheeT]

Yes, you're right, just like a girl who knows a man is married. But I still want to be with him fir what ever reason, and I'm sure maybe she was manipulated into it , but still she has a choice. .. and I never understood that either

[kitkatto]

I guess we’ll never understand because our minds don’t work like theirs do

[ohsheeT]

That is for sure It actually works to complete opposite

[AviatorTom]

Being the "other" is less than ideal, but it does have some advantages. You get the physical part of a relationship without all the other relationship burdens. Some people are willing to settle for that... if they can't have the whole, they're willing to settle for a part.

[kitkatto]

I can understand the aspect of convenience but why not just find a friends with benefits who’s single then…

[Avicenna]

Low self-esteem, being kinda crazy, thinking they´ll become the main one, or some combination thereof.

[kitkatto]

Makes sense…

[OlderAndWiser]

Affairs of the heart are ruled by emotion, not intellect, and trying to find logic in things that are inherently illogical is a fool's errand.

[kitkatto]

That is true, can’t try to reason with the heart

[SueShe]

Preaching and pretending to be someone one is not boosts the ego and self-esteem. Usually, those people that have the urge to preach something like that are the ones that have some kind of psychological issue such as narcissism, lack of self-value or any kind of inferiority complex. You want others to perceive you the way you are not but when it comes to the nitty gritty, then you are not better than all the others. You realize that preaching something that is not true has limitations.

She lowered herself to the level of a hoe just to keep your ex boyfriend, something that only a person that lacks the most basic dignity would do.

[kitkatto]

So it’s a fake it till you make it kind of mentality then. I guess she was trying to look for external validation because she needed it deep down.

I can’t seem to understand why she would lower herself to that level though… she’s pretty and runs her own business. Why did she have to ruin someone else’s relationship. I mean even my ex dumped her after and he’s trying to win me back.

[SueShe]

She did it because of 2 reasons:

1. He is weak and she knew that he could not resist.
2. because she could and that gives her some validation.

Being pretty and placing the most emphasis on that asset only indicates that she is a superficial person that has not many other qualities. Running a business does not mean that she has a great personality, and character.

[kitkatto]

Great point! I’ve ended up feeling “inferior” to her because my ex still ran back to her. I guess I only know her from how she presents herself on her socials, but her getting with a guy who’s already in a relationship shows that she might not be the best person.

[Zack-Bann]

Let’s see a physically fit emotionally unavailable man that you can fuck without needing to feed because he’s already got someone for that…


I wonder why that would be appealing to a woman…


Clearly she got her own issues but the bottom line is he became her boy toy
Fills the need without overflowing it


Don’t get me wrong: they’re both pieces of shit for partaking in that regardless
But if you’re wondering about the logic here it is

[kitkatto]

I think she was looking for something more though from him. He dumped her after I left, and now she’s going crazy on her socials…

I can understand if they were both just looking to get their dicks wet but I think she just wanted him at all costs

[Zack-Bann]

Ouff that’s gotta hurt the ego…

She was his side bitch and when he became single I couldn’t bare the thought of promoting her to girlfriend status so he ended it

Talk about glass ceiling

[kitkatto]

Yeah it’s sad… he’s now trying to win me back but I’ll just find someone better

[Zack-Bann]

Somehow I don’t doubt that

[kitkatto]

Typical scenario 🤷🏻‍♀️

[HighValue]

Many women are fine being with someone that is shared/cheats as long as he is tall, attractive, and has money. There are already millions more women than men in the USA and the majority of them want the top 10% of men. It is mathematically impossible for them to get the guys they want unless each of those men have at least 11 + women each.

[kitkatto]

But what’s the point

[HighValue]

They want money and to impress others by being able to post about where they go. They are not in a relationship for love and being an actual partner, they are in it for resources and to try to impress others.
It is a dumb way to live life in my opinion, but that is how the majority of American women are.

[kitkatto]

Oh so kinda like the sugar baby lifestyle pretty much. What ever happened to love and traditional committed relationships 🥲

[HighValue]

Yep. And when men lose their job or have financial hardship, that often leads to divorce/the woman leaving him instead of trying to help like an actual partner.
Most people's morals are terrible and they do not actually love anyone anymore. Just a bunch of greedy, selfish, untrustworthy, disgusting people in society these days for the most part.

[kitkatto]

It’s definitely getting harder to find real genuine love but I’m sure there is hope 🤞🏻

[Jackblue]

Some people just get infatuations. When I was in high school there was this woman named Lisa Nowak. She was the dictionary definition of an independent woman. She was an astronaut who had been to space, besides being a rare job, astronauts have a higher death rate than Mount Everest climbers. And yet, her fame mostly came because she got jealous and tried to kidnap her ex boyfriend's new lover.

[kitkatto]

Oh… sounds like my ex’s ex 😅

[PeachyPie93]

Sometimes its love, sometimes its to think they are better than the other woman, sometimes its thinking she can't do better, some times its just for needs to be met but doesn't want a commitment.

[kitkatto]

I think you explained it really well, thank you!

[FreyaRed]

It could be some competition of showing power and dominance but motives of such people differ. Don't rationalize or try to find some logic in their behavior, there is no one. Forget him, remember just the fun and look forwards

[kitkatto]

That makes sense. I don’t think I’ll ever understand because that’s not how my mind works… thanks for the reminder

[Nikki1989]

Even if your ex wasn't a “prize,” he was familiar. There's a certain comfort in going back to what you know, even if it's unhealthy. It might feel easier than navigating the uncertainties of new relationships.

[kitkatto]

Yeah I guess I can see that from her perspective

[katiesmuff]

What were you doing in a relationship at 15 or 16 when you should have been in school learning how to succeed and have a good life ahead!

[kitkatto]

I think I messed up my year of birth when I signed up. I’m actually 21 going on 22 😅

[WhitneySnow]

No clue. I guess they believe the other person’s lies about leaving their partner as soon as they can.

[kitkatto]

That’s a possibility, they want to be chosen

[Account]

Because her self worth is actually trash and she lacks dignity just like your ex does.

[kitkatto]

I can see that

[BarryLiverstone]

Because she never accepted them breaking up. As you said she was always butting in and at the end of the day she feels like she won and is better than you are.

[kitkatto]

That’s true, she was always in denial and never even changed her relationship status after the break up…

[BarryLiverstone]

Her texting him to be a side chick was just a manipulation technique. It’s not her being honest, she just assumed if she could be with him one on one he would go back with her. Guess he did. When did he leave you?

[kitkatto]

I think she definitely knew how to rope him back. I left him after I found out, apparently he left her immediately and he’s been trying to win me back

[BarryLiverstone]

Why haven’t you blocked him? Sounds like despite him being physically attractive you don’t feel an emotional bond with him

[kitkatto]

I think I had a trauma bond with him. He was unpredictable, the highs were high and the lows were low. I was attached to him but I don’t think I was in love with him, I was just craving for the highs. I still can’t block him because he was a really good friend before we dated, I kinda wish that we could at least stay as distant friends

[BarryLiverstone]

That makes sense, you craved the highs. Well it’s very challenging going back to a distant friend level as he will remember the highs as well and try to use them to get closer to you

[kitkatto]

Oh that’s true… I guess I still need to work on letting go then

[BarryLiverstone]

Def work to be done. If you communicate your boundaries then he needs to respect them

[kitkatto]

So far I’ve ended up just ghosting him because he doesn’t understand that I only want friendship from him

[BarryLiverstone]

If he violated your boundaries then putting some distance is valid. You could also let him know you are busy and will get back to him after the summer. That sets an expectation

[BarryLiverstone]

Do you have any trauma in your past?

[kitkatto]

I do, and he was the only one that was there for me. I guess that makes it hard for me to fully let him go

[BarryLiverstone]

There it is. He was safety to you. You relied on him because he was there for you. It’s not about him as a person but the feeling he gives you when he’s with you.

[kitkatto]

I think you’re right though, it’s best that I completely cut contact with him and just block him

He was there for me when I needed him but he also caused me a lot of pain and stress, and it’s not worth it

[BarryLiverstone]

True, less stress and you can find other people to trust and find safety with

[BarryLiverstone]

Hope I helped

[kitkatto]

Thank you, you’ve been awesome!

[genericname85]

not everyone wants to be in a commited relationship. apparently she was completely happy with just being fucked once in a while.

[kitkatto]

Apparently, no judgment in that but why not go for a guy that’s single

[genericname85]

cause what's the benefit of that? people don't care about others.

[genericname85]

like is it her problem, that he's cheating on you? no.

[kitkatto]

No I think she’s just proud of stealing him back tbh

[genericname85]

well it's still your problem not hers either way.

[Oldschool1981]

My wife has a side guy who is already happily married with children, so beong each other's side piece is a matter of convenience.

[kitkatto]

Wow that’s progressive. Do you also have a side lady?

[Oldschool1981]

Nah. One's enough. So long as she doesn't get pregnant, what's the big deal?

[kitkatto]

I could never 😭 I’m too jealous

[Oldschool1981]

I have a double standard opinion about this. I think men should stay 100% loyal in a relationship but it's perfectly fine if the female wants to see other guys

[kitkatto]

Why is that? I had a guy that wanted to see me sleep around with other guys and he will stay committed only to me. I didn’t understand that because I thought if a man really loves you then he wouldn’t want to share his girl with anyone else?

[Oldschool1981]

Well, TBH the first time I was ever cheated on, I got horny as opposed to angry. It surprised even me. So, cheating is just something that isn't really a deal breaker for me. Besides, I think it's okay for a woman to have her own private sex life while still expecting to stay in a committed relationship. Why not? For thousands of years, women had to stand by while their husbands went out and caroused, perhaps it's time to let the ladies do the same.

[kitkatto]

Oh that’s an interesting take! Do you love you wife any less knowing that she wants to sleep with other men? What if she hid it behind your back?

[Oldschool1981]

No, not at all. She can tell me about it or keep it to herself. It's her choice. She once picked up a guy right in front of me on vacation.

Would you see other guys if you had a boyfriend who was okay with it?

[kitkatto]

Would you consider this to be an open marriage then?

I don’t think so, I’m very loyal and committed to one person so I can’t even imagine daydreaming about other guys 😅 I’d probably even feel offended if my guy allows me to see other guys

[Oldschool1981]

I suppose so

[Dargil]

If they have other paramours as well. Ain't life grand?

[kitkatto]

It sure is

[MrChinaski]

I cannot tell you what to do. You have reasons to leave.

[kitkatto]

I have. I’m just struggling to move on from the betrayal so I’m trying to understand my ex’s and the other woman’s perspective

[MrChinaski]

I wish you only good things.

[kitkatto]

Thank you, and I wish you all the wonderful things in life!

[DrPepper12]

No fuss no muss. No entanglements. No family. No comingling assets.

[kitkatto]

But they’ll be the source of the entanglement, not to mention the potential drama that comes along with it. I feel like it’ll be better to get an friends with benefits lol

[DrPepper12]

Agreed 👍🏻💯

[Staximus]

You did, I don't know why you put up with that bullshit in the first place.

[kitkatto]

I don't know either…

[Phoebe85]

Some folk like thrill I guess. Or their one with magic body part.

[kitkatto]

Yeah I guess some people to like the challenge of stealing someone else’s man/woman

[Phoebe85]

I use to hang out with someone like that when I found out i dropped her as a friend. Cause if you know it could come back on you.

[kitkatto]

Honestly it’s good you dropped her because it’ll be hard to trust someone who’s okay with being a home wrecker

[Phoebe85]

Plus it can become deadly.

[kitkatto]

Ooh in what way? Like she could’ve done it to you and your man?

[Phoebe85]

I was with girl her husband came home I was 18 she was 28. But i found out when he “came home early”

[kitkatto]

Oh no! She sucks for luring you under false pretenses. Cheaters are evil.

[Phoebe85]

Plus not far from where a woman found out her husband was having an affair she found where mistress. She killed the mistress then herself.

[kitkatto]

Okay no that’s insane! Reminds me of that show “Why Woman Kill”

[In_Trance]

Because that's all those people believe they're good enough for

[kitkatto]

That’s sad 🥲

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't have other choice, or they are desperate.

[kitkatto]

That’s a possibility

[Kingofkings1992]

This is why you don’t get into relationships. Because humans are trash

[kitkatto]

I still think there are a lot of good people out there though, I guess I’m just optimistic (or naive lol)

[Kingofkings1992]

That’s exactly what optimistic means lmao

[Anonymous]

Usually bcs she likes that person that much, I had 2 other women

[kitkatto]

Probably, I think she wasn’t over him for sure. Why did you have 2 other women? Just curious

[Opinion Owner]

I had, one at a time... well because my so called spouse was a bully and a bitch :)

[kitkatto]

Ah okay. Would you have looked for a side chick if your spouse was still loving and sex is still great?

[Opinion Owner]

Ahh no... actually since I was born I had the dream and been idealistic into loving a single woman, in every way. Even dream of her, write her poetry loving her all the time and only her since that is the most beautiful soul connection and I still think in a way its the natural thing to be. Since all we do creates energy and vibration and affects us sometimes we dont even know why. That is why always tried to have my soul and even sexual energy focused on only one women at a time and give her everything I have the best. Time did made me realize that some people dont worth it and dont even deserve it sadly, I must say deep inside I feel very sad because of this, always dreamed I could be with only one woman for the rest of my life and she could be both the light of my eyes and the fire in my soul and body. I think its good to have valors but when we are not happy we tend to forget about them.

[kitkatto]

One can dream for sure, I share the same dream as yours! While I don’t agree with having side chicks/dicks, I can see why some partners can just drive you astray… Dealing with a bully or unavailable partner can absolutely change you as a person, especially if you have already communicated your boundaries and needs with them but is still left being ignored.

Do you have more connection with your side pieces than than you do with your spouse?

[Opinion Owner]

Well yeah life can get complicated like that. I had in the past since now... there are only pieces, I had amazing conexions with both of them yes. Really amazing both great women one of them an artist the other a judge, but my cheating so to say was only mentally. I never meet with them, sadly in a way since a guy having woman begging to make love happens pretty rarely. One of them told me to run eith her, the other to have a child togheter... I still haven't meet with them, actually did not had contact or meet with another woman for like 16 years now... I dont believe anymore in my spouse... but can't cheat on her physically even so... I also feel sorry for her, she has no house and nowhere to go, she had a really crappy family and an alchoholic father. Kind of sad in a way since I vibrate so much passion and love but not being to be happy at all, maybe its a curse tbh. Maybe someday I will just cheat on her completely... dunno I am a bit lost in my own mind lately dreaming more then actually living.

[kitkatto]

I think for your own sake and your spouses sake, you need to end this. I know it’s easier said than done but the both of you are just holding each other down. You’re tied to her so you can’t go out to find your happiness, and she deserves to be freed as well. I’m sure you can work something out in terms of her housing and what not.

But anyway, I do hope you’re able to find your true happiness one day!

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah in theory... my soul wouldn't let me in reality... maybe because of my belief of one woman all my life. But yeah that dream surely feel apart. I am yes... not tied to her but... dunno she did had a mental breakdown during pandemy too, so yeah everything makes it just harder to leave. Not everyone is opened minded as you imagine they are... if she gets upset she doesn't speak with you for days... even because of little things.. so working something out would not be ever possible. Anyway I dont want to get into boring details, the thing is... not everyone wants to cheat, but sometimes our whole soul and body and energy looks for a way to exactly that, happiness. I do hope you are able to find true happiness one day as well, this world and soul connections can be so complicated.

[kitkatto]

I hope you do find a way out, all the best!

[Opinion Owner]

I hope you find someone who doesn't cheat on you and sees the most beautiful things in you and you vibrate love togheter. Also even if I had two women settling as side chicks one for 2 years and the other for 3... in my opinion you should never do that, no matter how much you like the person, not at your age when love should be more alive then anything else and strong and even pure.

[kitkatto]

Thank you 😊 I do hope I’ll be able to find that dream love one day

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah me too actually even if my soul feels so much more tainted maybe not even deserving it in this lifetime.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Toxic attracts toxic I guess

[kitkatto]

Does two negatives make a positive then?

[ChicoFromThe305]

Pff no, it just makes two negatives being dumb AF 😂

[kitkatto]

😂 true that

[glennos89]

Never become the side piece

[kitkatto]

Never!

[glennos89]

You are absolutely worth more then that 💯

[kitkatto]

Thank you 🥹

[Nerdvana]

How old is he?

[kitkatto]

He’s 25 and she’s 28

[RedInnocent69]

Sounds like they were a good pair. Leave them be

[kitkatto]

I guess…

[beefcakebradybatson]

I've often wondered myself.

[kitkatto]

I guess we’ll never know

[Anonymous]

Because she knows she's trash.

[kitkatto]

Like only good enough as a side piece?

[Opinion Owner]

One thing you need to get straight with right now is there are 2 realities in this world. The value that people assign to you. And the value that you actually have. I'm not saying she's trash because she's trash. I'm saying she's trash because she chooses to be so.
You acknowledge that he is no prize. Yet multiple people choose as whole to put this douchebag on some kind of pedestal.
In my younger days I was smitten with a woman that was an alcoholic. Why? Because on some level I believed I didn't deserve any better. I was trash because I was trash. I was trash because I chose to be. I accepted the reality I let the world assign to me.
Like me this woman needs to discover her self worth. If she does she will drop this guy like a hot potato. Now I don't know how deep her self loathing goes. It might be pretty deep. So this might not be something she can fix on her own. But again it all starts with her. You cannot fix a problem if you refuse to see that the problem exists. That's a lot of people on site to be honest. Most want people to tell them what they want to hear. Not what they need to hear.

[kitkatto]

Good point. I guess my self worth was also low because I still gave my ex a chance before eventually leaving him. The fact that he cheated made me question my worth and if I wasn’t good enough for him. At the end of the day, like you said, you decide how much you’re worth!

[yotaman99]

My ex straight cheated on me

[kitkatto]

Damn glad you left them

[yotaman99]

She left me after everything and honestly I never knew

[kitkatto]

Well you deserve better!

[yotaman99]

I know but the damage was already done. I can’t go back now.

[Jay-_-]

I wouldn't know.

[kitkatto]

Because no one is worth lowering your self value for 😌

[Jay-_-]

Exactly 👌🎯

[SueShe]

so why do you even bother to answer?

[Jay-_-]

Why not is the question you should be asking yourself sushi 🍣...

😌

[zombiewoof]

for fun

[kitkatto]

That’s a high price to pay just to have some fun tho lol

[zombiewoof]

Would know that going in, no strings