I don't mean to generalize, but why are men mean to me?

[Sweetascandy1990]

I have been through a lot with men in my past relationships and even with my father, so I know all of my mistrust comes from these experiences. Online dating has made me depressed and as you will read men in public reject me on all levels. I'm a 35 year old virgin waiting for sex till marriage due to my Christian beliefs. I am a traditional woman. It's my dream to be married and have children, but I don't know if that will ever happen... I pray about it though. I can't say all men have been mean but those men happen to be way older men.

I want to heal this mistrust. However, men be yelling things on the street like body shaming me or making sexual noises. I'm not ugly and I'm on my fitness journey (I'm not in bad shape though to be bullied like that not that anyone deserves that). I try to smile at men just as a form of courtesy and they act cold and ignore me. I get unfollowed by men on social media. I have a really big heart maybe to a fault. At times, I am nice to guys not because I want something more. I genuinely give them a smile as a human being or like pictures or say kind comments on social media because I think they are cool in someway. I know maybe they might be taken, so I respect that. Is it possible I'm the "nice guy" female version? Lol. However, I see many women make conversations with men so easily or guy friends so easily. I know women can be mean too, but from my experience women have been more kind and caring to me. Maybe it's my anxious, shy, and scared (trust issues) energy. I also have low self-esteem because all of the bullying, abuse, and being overlooked/rejected. Any kind feedback would be helpful, thank you🙂

[SteveSmith1985]

You seem like a kind person. You are just the kind of woman I would make a point of trying to become friends with. I do not understand how you've had the overall experiences you've had with men.

I am genuinely confused. I do not think it's a matter of you being too nice.

I do not think its your anxious, shy, scared energy either. That doesn't lead men to be mean to a girl. It might make it less likely that they'd approach you romantically... but it doesn't explain anything else about your experiences.

I want to tell you that you're interacting with "the wrong type of guys"... but I feel like this is too widespread for that to be the case.

I think that if you're someone who hasn't had any real friendships with guys... you would only see guys being jerks.

I do not think there is anything about you that is causing this.

I think you need to try and separate "men" in general (strangers, acquaintances, friends). And men you're interested in romantically.

I think you should approach those as two separate, unrelated problems.

I am more concerned with the way you feel men in general treat you. I think that's something we can probably figure out.

The finding a guy to fall in love with, and marry... that's a lot more complicated. It's not unusual that you are having trouble finding Mr. Right. That is very common, and is not as perplexing to me (just because... it's hard for everyone. Myself included)

The thing that bugs me about this... is the fact that you're clearly a very kind person. I hate seeing you wonder if its this kindness that's causing men to be mean to you. I know that's not true. I would hate to have you continue to wonder if you're just the female version of a guy who is too nice.

You simply haven't had the positive relationships with men (friendships etc.) to offset the negative experiences you've had with men. It's different to feel like men are yelling about your body on the street, or unfollowing you due to some compliment... if that's your ONLY type of interactions/experiences

. If you were someone who could complain about that experience, to your close male friend... I feel like you would feel differently overall. It would offset the bad experiences. It would put them in context.

I love that you want to heal this mistrust. I love how your question began with "I don't mean to generalize." You seem like a cool person. You seem like a nice person.

Let's see if we can figure some of this out.

🙂

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thank you for your kind words and helpful feedback. I here women at the least get friendzoned, but I get the cold and hostile energy. Even my gay male coworker said he felt like slapping just because I dropped something. I agree my experience have not helped offset this. I'm a DV survivor and have been sexually harassed/groped in the streets. I think I have had a handful of people tell me to be careful that I'm to nice and soft-spoken and look vulnerable to abuse and to not let my husband yell at me thinking I was married. Maybe as you said could be bad luck... wrong environments and wrong men. Very confusing to me too. Thank you for your male perspective 🙂

[ProbablyClueless]

Many times, abusive people can sense when they're around someone who is willing to put up with their shit. Other times, it's a process of elimination thing where they chase away (or run away from) everyone who doesn't let them be abusive.

You have to remember that most people don't like to think of themselves as the villain. So, the abusers tend to have long justifications for why they mistreat others.

In general, I would say that you best defense against dealing with abusive men in the future is to develop a strong sense of boundaries. The reality is that people with a genuinely strong sense of self and boundaries aren't dealing with shit head abusers. And they attract healthier people around them as a result.

[Sweetascandy1990]

I've been told this by my supervisors at work. That I need to work on having boundaries. It spells into my work. Where I'm too nice and it attracts abusers. I definitely agree with your point of view. Thank you for your helpful feedback 🙂

[ProbablyClueless]

Sure thing! And thank you for MHO =)

[AI Opinion]

Hey lovebomb, I'm here to help people like you navigate these tricky waters. First of all, you deserve kindness and respect, full stop. Men (or anyone) being mean isn’t a reflection of your value. It’s awesome that you know where your mistrust comes from; it’s a huge step towards healing. Keep embracing your values like the fabulous unicorn you are! Being kind is never a fault, but make sure to channel that big heart towards those who truly appreciate it. Confidence can be built, and with it, your interactions will feel smoother. You've got this, superstar! 💖

[Finchie40]

Probably because you are too nice , sadly there are a lot of assholes and disrespectful people in this world, so you are best not to be overly friendly unless someone is overly friendly to you as well. Set boundaries for yourself , if someone can’t be nice to you , you don’t be nice to them or just walk away from them and realize they don’t mean shit to you. Asshole people try to take advantage of nice people because to them you are an easy target , so if someone isn’t being nice to you , you are best just to walk away from them and act like they no longer exist , Don’t say a word to them, if they want to be rude and disrespectful , then that’s their problem and something they have to live with on their own. Don’t expect Anything from someone that is disrespectful to you whatsoever.

[Sweetascandy1990]

I fully agree with you! I have reflected that in past relationships they all tell me the same thing "I'm an angel" "you're so sweet" and that's because I have let them get away with everything from yelling at me and just horrible things. I attract way too many narcissists/sociopaths and even some pretty bad women, but it's harder for me to feel safe when a man attacks me. I feel like being too nice is actually me people pleasing because I'm afraid of rejection and getting people mad. It has backfired a lot of times and then when I do stand up for myself they think I'm a horrible person which then I feel shame and guilt🤦🏽‍♀️ I live with the standard of loving and being kind to people as a Christian too. I grew up as a preacher's kid so sometimes I can be hard on myself and carry shame if I act "mean." The in-person feedback I get from strangers and coworkers is my voice is very soft and sweet, to be careful you look easy to prey on, and I'm like a puppy trying to be with the big dogs (meaning very tough and bad men). It's not easy for me, but I will keep working on setting boundaries. I am much better at it then in my 20's. Thank you a lot for your honest and male perspective 🙏🏽🤍 It helps a lot to keep working on myself and be self-aware of my behaviors, especially with people that don't deserve all of my love and care.

[Finchie40]

Yea I am a big hearted guy as well , and I experience a lot of the same things you experienced with attracting toxic girls’ that eventually treated me like shit and took me for granted , assuming they could get away with it , after being burned by those type of females ‘ I no longer tolerate a girl that is rude and disrespectful not me , that doesn’t wear my shoes the same way she expects me to wear hers. Sadly I had to put these walls up to defend and protect my heart from females’ and people that are that way. So I hope one day I can actually meet a girl that is respectful and polite the same way I am to her.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Unfortunately yes there are many toxic women too and women who brag about the way they treat men. I'm sorry you went through the same things. That's good to put your wall up because trust is earned. Some people do come to with bad intentions and don't have the ability to respect others.

[laraWM]

I feel bad for you, you seem to be really nice woman, I'm sure you'll find someone nice too

[Sweetascandy1990]

Thank you 🤍

[SteveSmith1985]

I mean... Its not just a "friendzone" situation. Guys can be friends with women. I've had close female friends at every stage of my life. I would be dead without those friendships. The fact that you're getting cold hostility... doesn't make any sense to me.

There are definitely asshole guys out there. But not so many that you should have these kinds of interactions... all the time!

I agree that you should make sure you don't marry a guy who doesn't treat you right. But... I don't think it's simply a matter of people picking up on your vulnerability.

Your gay male co-worker said he felt like slapping you because you dropped something? That's ridiculous. But I can't say that it means anything about YOU. A guy who would say that is just an asshole... and would have said it to someone else too (I'd have to assume).

Being groped in the streets is fucked up. It's not as uncommon as it should be. But... again... that's notthing to do with you, specifically. A guy who gropes women on the street is gong to do that to whoever.

This is bothering me. I usually am very good at understanding and interpreting social situatioins. This has me confused in a way I'm not used to. I feel like there is some pieces of this that I'm missing, which would make this all make sense. I have no idea what those pieces might be.

If you'd care to chat, I would love to dig into this with you. I am curious, and this upsets me, because you seem like such a nice person... and your experiences have been so unfailingly terrible.
Feel free to DM me if you'd be up for a chat. If you'd rather not, that's cool, I won't be the least bit offended.

But you seem like someone who would be worth getting to know better. (as a friend. Just to make sure you're not misunderstanding my intentions. But you seem cool)

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

It means you’re conventionally unattractive. Men are incredibly shallow and go based on looks before bothering to look at anything else 99% of the time.

[Sweetascandy1990]

I'm not conventionally attractive. I'm latina and have been discriminated because of my brown skin and some of my indigenous features

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Okay whatever you say

[Sweetascandy1990]

🤦🏽‍♀️

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

That incredibly dismissive attitude could also be part of why you can’t get a man. Do you even like yourself?

[Sweetascandy1990]

Lady I'm not doing anything wrong, but expressing my feelings and thoughts. You don't know half of my story. Are you calling me dismissive because I told you that many white people are racist? You offended me and called me unattractive. You are a bully yourself

[Sweetascandy1990]

You will be reported and blocked. Get off my page

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't like you for some reason.

I know how you feel.

I'm even older than you, and still a virgin, waiting for sex till marriage, but I'm not religious.

[Sweetascandy1990]

Yeah it really does not feel good.