I don’t like my boyfriend’s behavior. After getting to know him I realized we’re so incompatibility too. Please help me, what to do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend wants me to apologize over mostly everything, which I find incredibly stupid. If I rise my voice, defend myself, (Verbally, which I shouldn’t, because apparently to him he’s the one who’s always right, and I should learn a thing or two from him). Sometimes I notice he turns such small argument into a bigger one, using phrases like: “Why? Why do you have to ruin everything? I was so excited and happy to talk to you (this one mostly used on phone call) I was waiting for this moment to talk to you, but you just had to ruin everything”, all because I brought to the table something that he did or say, that I didn’t like and made me feel uncomfortable. I always use my sweet voice when I bring up things like these, talk all calmly, cause truly I don’t want any argument with him. I hate conflicts. But even so, he gets mad cause I got uncomfortable in the first place, saying things like: “Lovers don’t get uncomfortable with each other. If I tell you to do something that I like, and I want you to do it, you should, because you love me. But since you got uncomfortable, that means you don’t, right?”.

In the middle of an argument, I always try to make it positive and flip the page but what he’s more of the kind who wants to fix things then go to sleep. But the way I flip the page and try talk about something fun and while making it positive (crack a joke about how his eyebrows wrinkled while arguing etc..) is my way of fixing problems! I wouldn’t say I’m bad at communicating, but with him I always find trouble cause whatever I say is never taken seriously and he, is the one who’s always right about everything, even the way I act. (He calls me bitchy)

if I don’t act a certain way (submissive {do what he says, doesn’t have to be sexual}, apologize, or thank him. These are basically the main) then immediately he gets mad and start threatening that he’s going to leave me. I don’t understand what I did sometimes. Are my boyfriend’s behavior normal? Should I leave him?

[SteveSmith1985]

Your boyfriend's behavior is not normal. This is an emotionally abusive guy.

That is what you are describing throughout this entire question description. He has an extraordinarily abusive view of love, and what love looks like:

“Lovers don’t get uncomfortable with each other. If I tell you to do something that I like, and I want you to do it, you should, because you love me. But since you got uncomfortable, that means you don’t, right?”.

That is one of the most abusive, manipulative, unhealthy shit I've ever heard. This is a rapists definition of love. This is so wrong I can't even believe somebody said that in real life (abusive guys will think that... but usually realize its not something valid that they can actually SAY).

The only reason I am not going on and on about why you should leave this guy; I think you know already.

I think that you see how fucked up and wrong this is. (actually, you don't see just how wrong it is. Still, you know its wrong).

You definitely need to leave this guy. Without question. This is not a "maybe."

I am more than confident saying that to you; while knowing only this tiny bit about your relationship. This is wrong. This is unhealthy. Get out.

I think you know this, and are merely looking for outside confirmation. Breaking up with somebody is hard. Everyone tries to avoid acknowledging that they need to end things... for longer than they should. It takes anyone a bit to come around to biting-the-bullet and ending things. Even a bad relationship is hard to end. You need to. ASAP.

Consider this outside confirmation. I see what you see... this is wrong, and not normal.

If you are even thinking about staying with this guy. I think we should chat. Otherwise, you do need to leave him. As soon as practical (so if you don't live together... tomorrow).

This is super clear. Get out.

🙂

[Asker]

But there are also times where I think he does love me and that I’m just paranoid or something. If I tell him about a problem he gives me his time and all to talk me out of it and reassure me. He could talk for an hour straight just to make me feel better. He’s so soft and gentle and he always reminds me how much he loves me. But he does also say that I’m useless cause he’s the one who’s mostly active in the relationship cause when he has a problem, or isn’t feeling well, I don’t jump in and try to make him feel better like he does to me. So he calls me useless for that. My friends though, know how sweet and supportive I can be, physically and verbally, but when it comes to him, I barely do or say anything. And to be frank, he’s not exactly my type, i don’t even recall how I fell for him.. what also don’t understand is why do I act like I’m head over heels with him even tho deep down I just want to block him and leave.. but anyway, yeah that’s what happened..

[SteveSmith1985]

You do need to leave. You do realize that abusive behavior almost always goes hand-in-hand with extremely affectionate behavior. It's a non-sensical mix. But it's very common (if not universal in any abusive relationship.,... with the exception of the most extreme cases of physical abuse).

There is no amount of sweetness, affection, or communication that can offset the way he sees you. In other words, he is doing and saying things, that no good guy would/could ever say (or even think).

You want to talk about "red flags"? This could literally be an example in a textbook of an example of a guy showing undeniable red flags.

If you ever have a boyfriend who says you're useless. Leave him.

That's not appropriate to say to your partner. Especially not regularly.

That might be something said in a fight... once. And it would demand an apololy (because no boyfriend should fee that way about you. Him saying that to you, is not congruent with caring, sweetness or understaniing.

Feeling like you have to tip-toe arouind him in a disagreement is not healthy. Him feeling he is always right is not healthy.

Him using "if you love me" as leverage EVER... to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do, is some misogynist scumbag shit If he cared about you, he could not do this in a sexual context. That is so fucked up.

Your acting like you're head over heels for him, despite wanting to leave, is something I would need to know more about to comment on.

I don't know if you're acting head over heels for him to yourself. or if its for the sake of how others perceive you/the relationship. I'd be happy to chat with you, but I do have to get to bed shortly. If I don't reply, I fell asleep, and will reply tomorrow. You can also feel free to DM me if you'd prefer.

But I am dismayed to hear that you are less clear on needing to leave than I had assumed (from all the obviously terrible stuff you wrote in your original post).

[Asker]

I can't DM you privately because im not yet LVL 2 exp.. thank you for your help though.

[OneViewpoint]

Why are you asking strangers what to do. You know what you need to do. It's not gonna get any better. This guy has mental problems. Grow a spine and tell him to go fuck a porcupine. Expect him to lash out and try to trash you online. So what. Just get rid of him.

[Asker]

I know I just don’t know who to ask. Well I did try to push him away because he goes and say “alright let’s at least have one last call before we end it” but it ends of him giving me hope. Still I’m the one to blame, but yet he gives me hope that it’s going to work out, that he loves me, that I’m the best girl he ever spoke to and on and on.. I asked “what do you love so much about me anyway?” He said your nose, your hair, your lips, blah, blah, literally parts of my body then added your laugh, your submissiveness to me, your vulnerability.. like what? Cause yknow since he gets mad when i don’t act like he wants, I always try to act exactly how he wants, but I don’t like it.. and when I’m acting as my regular self, he hates it..

[OneViewpoint]

Trust me. This pattern will repeat itself over and over again for as long a you allow this nutcase to manipulate you. You think you can't do better than this mental patient? You're young. Bet on yourself. No one deserves this crap.

[EmmaMary]

For fuck's sake Grow Up act your age, come to your senses, and show the pathetic fucking lowlife where the door is... Simples.

[Anonymous]

Break up with him, then block all contact. It's really pretty straight forward.

[Asker]

There’s a part of me who really really want to breakup, but then I remember how sweet and loving he is to me.. it’s confusing honestly. I’m in a love/hate situation because, i love how nice and reassuring and sweet he is, but I hate it when he wants me to be something im entirely not. sometimes I doubt if he even loves me or is just using me, but he then reassures me that he’s not the type to waste time and energy into someone who he doesn’t like.

[Opinion Owner]

That's pretty much just textbook Stockholm Syndrome. You will be much better off without this person and eventually find someone actually worth being with.

[AI Opinion]

Oh la la, love! 🥰 Here on Girls Ask Guys, all about bringing some clarity into the whirlwind of relationships. Your radars are picking up some major red flags! 🚩 Your boyfriend's behavior screams control issues, manipulation, and a sprinkling of gaslighting. Yikes 😜! It's not normal to feel uncomfortable or constantly apologizing in a relationship.

A great connection thrives on mutual respect and understanding, not power plays. Consider what brings you happiness and fulfillment. Maybe it's time to put those fabulous communication skills of yours to use by discussing boundaries–or taking a bolder step for both your growth. Love shouldn't feel like a battlefield! 🌻

[AviatorTom]

If you're not compatible, then you're not happy. Time to get a new boyfriend.

[Asker]

It’s so hard leaving.. I’ve tried but it didn’t work.

[AviatorTom]

Breaking up is rarely easy, but when you think about how much better things will be on the other side...

[Anonymous]

Let the dude leave and hope the door hits his ass on the way out too.

[Anonymous]

Dump him. Simple.

[fish5505_87]

Move on!