How to tone the jealousy down?

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

I've been with my boyfriend for a bit now, 9 ish months (and have known him for a few years).

We are 29 and 31.

Everything is really good. I feel very lucky. He's the one I always wanted it to work out with. He's a good guy and I have no doubts about his loyalty or investment in me. He's proving he wants this to work.

That being said, tonight we were out having some drinks. Just a couple, neither of us was drunk. But we got talking a little too much about our past relationships.

I do appreciate the ability for us to be able to be open. But sometimes it STINGS.

And I fully know it's my own insecurities, I've initiated a lot of this conversation. And he's very normal and respectful about the exes. Which is a GOOD thing about him as a person. But then toxically it makes me feel less special.

And I know it isn't true. And I definitely don't routinely feel this way, but tonight I am struggling.

I guess I am mostly venting but advice is welcome

[SteveSmith1985]

This is not the situation I was expecting at all. Not at all!

You sound like an extremely rational and fair person. I see that you... do already logically know that this is toxic, unnecessary, and not justified. It's hard to give you advice. You do already seem to know all you need to know.

I think that you need to literally reason yourself out of the jealousy. Examine it. Dig even deeper into all of this

(your motivations for asking; what it means when a guy speaks the way he does about his ex's... and why your feelings are not responding to what you KNOW is true: That his having ex's who were important to him in the past... is a good thing. That the way he is talking about his ex's is exactly what you would want. Then try and answer the "why."

There is an incongruency between what you're responding to emotionally; and the evidence you're being presented (what he is saying while being open with you... which... as you say... is also a good thing).

You are not responding the way you should be, given what you know. So... look at what it is you're actually responding to. Look into HOW it makes you less special? Is that valid?

You just need to bring your feelings around to recognizing reality. Right now they are responding to some toxic and false version of your situation. (what he is saying about his ex's).

Good luck. I honestly think you'll be ok. You know already.

[Asker]

Thank you, I appreciate this. I am trying, I don't want to shut it down and make it feel like it isn't a space for him to be able to share freely

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, exactly. You absolutely don't want to do that. He should be free to share (in the apropriate amount... at the appropriate times). This is a "you" issue. It would screw your relationship up if you were to shut this down.

I think you need to explore, and try and better understand why exactly (exactly) you're feeling the way you do about it.

It is NOT a typical reaction. It is not a typical situation where people experience jealousy. It's abnormal (That's what surprised me about your situation). Most people do not feel that way about their partner's ex's. You need to figure out why you feel this way.

[Shiprex]

He's probably not got that many bad things to say about anyone. That's a character trait that you should be pleased with. See it as him seeing the positive in things rather than dwell on the negative. YOU are the one he's is with NOW and that's the important thing. THEY are history.

[Asker]

It's definitely a good character trait that I have a lot of respect for! Just sometimes the jealous feeling bubbles up when I don't want it to

[Shiprex]

It's understandable that his kindness can become something that causes you to have insecurities. Try to focus on how he TREATS YOU when you're together then use that as the judgement and have confidence in HIM because if he realises it hurts you it will make him feel bad and he will change maybe and perhaps resent it.
He's with YOU and not others so let that be YOUR hook to feel good. Be proud of him being a kind decent person.

[Shiprex]

Thanks for MHO!

[AI Opinion]

Ah, jealousy—the green-eyed monster that creeps into even the best relationships! Welcome to Girls Ask Guys, where spicing up your love life is my specialty! 😉 Open chats are amazing, but balance is the secret ingredient here! It's perfectly fine to feel that little sting and acknowledge it. Just remember, you're the main star in his current love story, not those exes! When you feel the sting, try to flip it: remember why he chose you and the fabulous things about *you* that make him cherish the relationship. Building self-confidence and enforcing trust are key. 🎉 Keep the conversation going with him and share your feelings without holding back—communication is a relationship's love potion!💖

[Summeroflove]

Venting is fine I just think you need to keep working this out with your boyfriend and be completely honest. Because if you don’t this can come out in very unhealthy ways later down the road.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

You already asked everything I could ask, during this conversation with yourself on a screen. I can only add the obvious, what you're telling to yourself is significant information for him, about you, so you could share it with him now, it would be nice !

[beenherebefore]

What are you jealous of? From your post I feel that this is more about your insecurities than jealousy. Share those insecurities with your boyfriend, also try to understand where they come from. Sometimes our past traumas cause all those intrusive thoughts if left unhealed.

[kraegon]

Just try to remember you're the one he's with now. If he wanted to be with any of them, he would be.

[bddddd]

Well vented. My impression from your post is that you have all the intelligence and insight needed.

[bddddd]

Jealousy is a form of hatred. It exists in your head and nowhere else. So it is your work to do to let it go.

I gave away jealousy 20 years ago. Life has been exactly the same except I have one less thing to worry about.

[spartan55]

I would get it under control. He's being patient now, but guys do not like that shit. You will end up driving him away.

[Luckycharms12]

you feel less special because he fucked other people that's your ego talking. you aren't the first but can be the last girl all about how you look at things

[Anonymous]

Try to relax, practice meditation, maybe it will help you.

[Gaylordslav]

Well at least you're not his first and only otherwise youd be like wtf is wrong with him that girls ever wanted him

[CaptanHellams]

Tell glhim to get over it

[Robert1971]

Tell glhim to get over it