Would I be consider harsh for having '' anyone hitting children'' as a top deal-breaker?

[Vesuvius87]

I was just inspired by a post that asked what other things I would break-up or divorce besides cheating/infidelity.

I can't stand people that hit children with objects. To me that's a top deal-breaker. My husband doesn't want that either. He has expressed how physical punishment and getting yelled out (along with hearing his parents arguing) has traumatized him that he doesn't want our son going through that. He thinks like me; that if it were done towards another adult then it's not ''discipline''; it's assault. Nope, he doesn't thank his mother for using a cable and neither will I ever thank my father for using a belt. I find it weird whenever I hear the ''My parents whopped often and I feel so grateful, I thank them for that'' reaction. It sounds like Stockholm syndrome to me. It's great that we are like-minded on the most important things. Honestly if anyone ever hits my son (when he gets older) with a belt, cable, paddle or even their hands, I'm going to report them immediately. As a mother if I were to allow it, I would be just as responsible for doing nothing.

So yes someone in favor of striking children with objects. Would I be consider harsh?

[Shiprex]

When a child persistently pushes boundaries, ignores repeated requests and instructions, takes it upon themself to act out against parental authority and responds poorly to mental and psychological manipulation by adults in positions of care and responsibility then what?
In the real world if they learn that all they'll get is a rebuke, a lecture or stern look from someone you can guess the first slap or punch will take them aback and having never experienced physical altercation in spite of being a 6"7' muscular whatever, will not go down well.
Although not guaranteed, it's very possible that at some point in life a physical altercation may arise from someone and it's irrelevant who's to blame because the reaction to this is what is important. They won't have experienced it so if/when it DOES occur they need to have the capacity to handle it with either retaliation or removal from the situation. The idea that you don't crumble under this kind of event is vital, else it may end up worse.

I am not saying train your kids with physical violence, but train them to KNOW physical violence is around them and when controlled and limited and gets a point across in short shrift, then it's not wrong. You can't remove the potential from violence in human society unless you're deluded.

[Vesuvius87]

I would then take them to a good psychologist. My husband and I would like our son to have many abilities if possible. When he gets older (maybe 8-9 years old), we're actually going to enroll him in martial arts and that way he'll be trained if someone wanted to get physical and he really needed to defend himself, even if we never hit him.

[Shiprex]

Good place to develop disciplined control if phtsical violence like any adult should know the basics of their capabilities.

[ohsheeT]

From 2 years old to 10 I had a step father who would punish me with a belt. At 16 new step father put his hands on me at 16 1/2 I moved out at 18 I had a son I raised him with out ever yelling or disciplining him the way people do know days. All I had to do. Is pssst... put my first finger up and motion it. Come here i would ask what he was doing usually he had a friend. I would explain that they could not do what they were doing.
And then I would say do you understand it would say o k go have before you do..

He is 6 "7 big buff beautiful kid he is now a firemen paramedic.

You don't put a kid in time out. You don't take their things away from them. What you do is you give them more responsibility. Because that's what happens in real life

[Vesuvius87]

I'm glad to hear you broke that unhealthy cycle. Hitting kids is for people that lost patience.

[ohsheeT]

It's more than they lost patience they lost them selves. It's not about the kid anymore more It's about them and what they teach the kid as they are doing it. Just like yelling at a kid, the same thing

The moment you start yelling at a kid, what are you teaching them.

Your Kung if you want something yell. And scream. Same with hitting a kid. All you are doing is teaching that kid if someone does something that you don't like. Hit them it makes it all better

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Hey! That was my question lol

I agree with you on the no hitting thing for the record. I wouldn't end things but it would result in us having a discussion about doing things another way. My wife and I though dont resort to that kind of punishment. Our kids do have adhd and our son is high functioning autistic so hitting them just feels wrong when a lot of times it's just out of their control. We try to give them tools to self guide to make the right decisions, but honestly it doesn't always work. That's ok though, they are human and we all make mistakes.

Doesn't mean dont get frustrated though. Our son especially can be a terror at times lol

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you for your helpful reply. I've just searched my answer and yes it was indeed your post. It's been several years since I've felt strongly against the use of corporal punishment on children. Personally I see it as abuse disguised as ''discipline''. It's always about the parents losing patience and mainly doing it out of frustration, in anger when hitting the child with a household object. It's great that neither you nor your wife resort to hitting your son.
I believe if someone wants kids so badly, they're suppose to have patience. Otherwise they should do all of us a favor and just not reproduce.

[CorneliaUSA]

The Bible addresses the discipline of children in several places. Proverbs 13:24 states, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." Basically, you are disobeying God if you don't practice discipline.

There is discipline, and there is abuse. Know the difference.

Gentle parenting comes first, yes. Let's talk, let's explain. If they still don't listen, then toys get taken away. But gentle parenting can only go so far and then discipline is needed.

[Vesuvius87]

With all due respect, do you really need a bible (a book that has been interpreted and written many times by people) as an excuse to hit kids with household objects?
Do you realize you can discipline without corporal punishment? The word alone doesn't mean striking with household objects. There are several punishments that don't include hitting. I see many people mistake lack of discipline for lack of physical punishment.

[CorneliaUSA]

No, I don't need the Bible to tell me what to do. But after trying over and over and over and over and over and over and over, trying nicely, communicating, and they STILL don't listen? What must I do then?

[Vesuvius87]

It isn't just about having a very long (if it's a todder, they are probably going to get bored if you talk too much) nice conversation. You can follow through by removing privileges (depending on the age), remove any distractions (maybe they're sensitive to a certain noise) and be very firm. It can depend on the way you're saying things too. Then praise when they are doing something good and you can also make it interesting by adding some creativity to the task, maybe help them out a bit. For instance if they're picking up their toys, I might make it more fun by helping them with a song; basically adding a playful element.

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach, my aim is to infuse positivity and understanding into your situation. 🤓 No, you’re not being harsh at all! Protecting your child from harm is an act of love, not of harshness. It's wonderful that you and your hubby are on the same page, prioritizing a safe and nurturing environment for your kiddo. Recognizing the impact of childhood trauma and working to break that cycle is a positive step forward! 🚀 Your stance is both brave and inspiring! 🌟

[RavVid]

Inflicting emotional guilt and trauma is so much better. :)

I think it depends a lot on the child as it does with animals. My cat knew he was going to be rebuked for clawing furniture so he would lay back his ears in mental prep before he went for it.

Some dogs will never believe you could possibly be angry with them. Others will run to their kennel and sulk at the least cross tone.

I just think mileage varies. You have to correct behavior and how you do might depend on the nature of the child/pet.

[Vesuvius87]

I think educating without hitting can work on any child or pet. It's just that it requires a lot more patience for those that won't understand the 2nd time you tell them no or speak to them. This is when it can be followed by non-physical approaches. For example if they keep throwing a tantrum, then they get their privileges taken away.
If it's a kid that really lacks social cues and never believes you can possible be upset, then they likely need help. I would be on the phone with a child psychologist in that case.

[RavVid]

OK. I admit Tabby eventually came to grips with NO after a few years.

[molonski2]

Anyone that strikes a child , absolute child abuse " I'm larger than you , so therefore I'm going to beat you into submission " is nothing short of a mindless fool. and should certainly be rled out , of everything quite frankly.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah and then they're shocked (pikachu reaction) when their child grows up and one day, just one day hits back

[molonski2]

@Vesuvius87 yes good point , I'd forgotten that end of it , sadly my era was filled with child abuse ( not parents ) teachers , religion , sports , pedos.
An example at my secondary school , particular teacher thought he was an army officer ( what a joke ) .
After all the abuse this individual caused , he was punched savagely in the head when he was 70 s , and sadly it didn't kill him , serial abuser , bad luck..

[Vesuvius87]

I actually don't feel that bad when they get hit back. My mother wasn't very empathetic when my now adult (younger) brother pushed my father so hard that he floored him and it drew blood on his elbow. My father is the only person my brother has ever gotten physical with. He hasn't gotten physical with anyone else, just my father.

[molonski2]

Yes , I have absolutely no problem with aggressors being hit back , I've done it myself and felt zero empathy for the fallen old fool , I'd do exactly the same again..
Absolute arseholes , deserve what they get and more.

[TonyMetal___86]

I guess that no loving parents would ever want to hurt their children but sometimes children can be hard to deal with, they make you snap and lose your mind, i'm not saying that it's okay to treat your children in abusive way but a smack on the bottom or sometimes a slap on the face can happen if they are really giving you a pain in the a$$...

Generally i'm supportive about sitting together and having a chat to make them understand or at max giving them a punishment but sometimes sh*t can happen!

No one is ideal!

[Vesuvius87]

So I was right after all when stating physical punishment is really done out of anger and frustration. You said it yourself that children can be hard to handle and make you lose your mind. That means you've given up, are clueless and don't know what to do so you're reduce to unleashing your stress at them. You're basically venting. You lost control. That's bad. I believe that if you come close to hitting them because you lost patience, you should step out of the room for a bit (count to 10) and come back when relaxed. Then remember that you wanted to have kids and that it's not just about the happy, sunny days where everything is easy.

[Vesuvius87]

I have all the patience in the world for my baby boy.

[TonyMetal___86]

Miss vesuvius, you're right and i know what you're saying, but you have to remember that not all the kids are the same, sometimes when you back off for the good sake of your children, they think that you're weak and starts using the same method over and over again so they get what they want by force!

Sometimes you and your parents fight and sometimes you and your siblings fight and sometimes with your husband, so your kids aren't any different, no good parent had ever thought of slapping their kids not even punishing them but sometimes it happens just out of the blue...

[CorneliaUSA]

How old is your boy?

[TonyMetal___86]

@CorneliaUSA he's 18 now

[CorneliaUSA]

@Vesuvius87. How old is your boy?

[Vesuvius87]

@CorneliaUSA
He'll be 3 months old on the 15th of this month

[CorneliaUSA]

Girl, 3 months is nothing. The 1st year of them laying in your arms, suckling on your breast is the best. I thought you had a toddler. No wonder you don't understand. LOL Society calls it terrible 2s for a reason. Let's catch up in a few years - at this stage the discussion is moot.

[NordicInScandinavia]

I can't stand people that hit children with objects. 😲🤯 Because other wise hitting children is just a-okay. 🙄

If you hit a child, you're out of my life - that doesn't matter HOW you hit the child, it's DISGUSTING and adults who hits a child is a major failure and those that condone it deserve to be beaten to the chops. No worries, no objects should be needed - then it isn't really that bad. Aight?

[Vesuvius87]

If you noticed, I've replaced the word spanking for hitting because that's what it is. Actually even slapping a child is totally wrong. I can't stand them either. If someone has no patience, only wants te happier, easy moments and has to rely on hitting a child (whether it's with a belt, extension cord or the hands), they shouldn't reproduce.

[NordicInScandinavia]

Lol. No shit spanking is hitting but ey, as long as it's not your child and it's not done with objects then it isn't that bad.

[Vesuvius87]

Actually I would be in favor of having a law that bans hitting children.

[NordicInScandinavia]

I'm sorry you're living in a shit country where abusing children is legal. Maybe if people stopped viewing hitting children without objects as less harmful (like you) then perhaps some changes would happen.

[CorneliaUSA]

Do you have a child or children?

[molonski2]

100 % with you.
To strike a child shows ones own inadequacies

[Vesuvius87]

@CorneliaUSA
Yes I have my nearly 3 month-old baby boy

[Ariesman81]

I would say it means you're tolerant of poor behavior.

And also why mothers aren't the disciplinarian in the family. And probably also the reason why most mother's will struggle with disrespectful children.

But no, I never used an object other than my hand. And most of the time it was after watching failed attempts to "reason" with a poorly behaved child.

[Vesuvius87]

So just because both my husband and I disagree with corporal punishment, you think we won't have boundaries nor rules and be consistent with them?
You know there is discipline without spanking? For instance when a minor has a curfew and the parents banned him/her from staying up all night at a party and follow through with removing all privileges if they disobeyed; that's discipline too... it just didn't involved hitting.

[Ariesman81]

Yeah, but you're talking about a teen. The "fear of God" should be instilled much earlier than that so as to not have to deal with an unruly teenager.

It's why most dads just have to give a "look" to correct misbehaving children while mothers will say no a thousand times to no avail.

[CorneliaUSA]

We are at that stage where I barely have to give punishment anymore. But at the beginning I had to. Now I just give her a stern look, and she quits and listens to me. But there are still naughty days. The father did not implement punishment early on, and he is having MORE of a hell with her now and I have it easier. He was also against punishment. Then finally... He started to implement corporal punishment, and now only she starts listening to him too. If all else fail, then corporal punishment has to kick in.

[Ariesman81]

@CorneliaUSA

Good. As they get older and their reasoning abilities improve, it does get a lot easier. After awhile a simple explanation suffices. Fortunately the father is getting with the program. There is nothing worse than two parents in disagreement on what is appropriate behavior and what is acceptable punishment.

[Vesuvius87]

@CorneliaUSA
If supposedly everything else failed (I doubt it.. I doubt one has done everything) then they have a psychological problem, a disorder or might even be a bit autistic. I would take them to a good psychologist by then. It's not normal for someone to only obey out of fear of getting hit.

[Ariesman81]

youtube.com/shorts/FFuSKzEKGpY?si=2-FQFlVzhgNfZaCd

[CorneliaUSA]

Which part of "I've tried everything" do you not understand. She is just very strong willed and a mind of her own. I DID take her for a mental development test. She's perfect. The developmental pediatrician was so impressed. A good friend of mine is a psychiatrist. She's in her 50s with many years of experience. SHE suggested autism too. After much evaluation she came to the conclusion that my daughter is smart and just testing her limits with us. And being a typical toddler. She approved implementing punishment. The three of us went to Walmart one day, my daughter was throwing a tantrum in the store like kids do. After trying talking first, I ended up spanking her butt and she quiet down. An old lady next to me gave me in ugly look. She told that women to keep her judgment to herself and that the kid is naughty. So after talking nicely over and over, and taking away toys and privileges, and after two professionals evaluated her, and found nothing wrong... What should I do? She started listening the day her butt burned. And now we have a good understanding and she listens. So please tell me, what else should I have tried instead of spanking?

[CorneliaUSA]

@Vesuvius87. Just checking in on my message from yesterday on this comment about how I have tried everything. What else should I have done/do instead of spanking?

[Ariesman81]

@CorneliaUSA

She's just a new Mom. She'll figure it out.

[Vesuvius87]

@CorneliaUSA
I'm sorry I didn't have much time to comment on your posts. I've been with my baby boy and had been quite restless these days. Wow, your daughter is quite a handful. I think something that can be done is giving her small task she can do. Now that she's calmer and listens to you... is it possible to keep her motivated to do things in the house?
Yes I'm a new mother. He's just nealry 3 months old now.

[Anonymous]

My sister felt the same way you do... until she had my nephew. There is no controlling him until she or my brother in law gets his attention with a smack on his butt with a hand or a paddle. He is an absolute terror otherwise. My heart goes out to them, but at least things are improving.

I think people who don't understand what a parent has to actually deal with in the real world need to stop judging people for how they choose to parent their children.

[Vesuvius87]

Did she tried other ways or expected him to just obey after the 2nd time and gave up too fast? Has she tried taking him to a child psychologist? Maybe he has ADHD, can't recognize social cues or some other disorder. I wouldn't give up easily like that. If he's an absolute terror without using a paddle or hands, that's not normal. He likely needs help.

[Vesuvius87]

How old is the kid?

[Opinion Owner]

He is eight now and doing much better. Yes, they tried everything, including working with a child psychologist. He does have ADHD. And no, it's not normal.

He rarely needs physical punishment anymore. The bottom line is that they found what worked for THEIR child. Parents need to do what works for THEM, and other people need to stop judging them based on their own opinions and experiences. Every child is different, and what works for one may not work for others. The best judge of what a child needs is his or her parents.

[Vesuvius87]

If he indeed has ADHD then that would be even more reason not to apply corporal punishment. I'm sorry to hear the child psychologist was mediocre and didn't work. There are some professionals that don't care about helping you and just want the money. I've heard of those. I would go for a 2nd opinion, may 3 and so on if he was my son. I wouldn't give up easily.

[Opinion Owner]

As I've said, my nephew is doing great now, so clearly the partnership between his parents and the psychologist was very successful, not mediocre.

Since you've been so generous with your unsolicited advice and judgment, I will return the favor. I would suggest you mind your own business with respect to parenting. You do NOT know better than a child's parents what is right for them. No one else does. There is nothing more annoying than parents who judge other parents without walking a mile in their shoes.

[CorneliaUSA]

So you would rather drug your child than try punishment first... Great mothering there.

[Vesuvius87]

@CorneliaUSA
I would rather help them than hit them.

[Opinion Owner]

@Vesuvius87 In the case of my nephew, the physical reprimands DID help him, a lot.

[CorneliaUSA]

@Vesuvius87 At such a young age it's not helping, it's drugging. It's a quick fix. Instead of correcting the situation, you are just making it easier for yourself by redirecting and then claiming your are the good parents for not spanking, when actually you are just training them from young age that there is something wrong with them and drugs is the way to fix everything.

[Vesuvius87]

@CorneliaUSA
I guess I'm too traumatized with the spankings both my brother and I received. In my mind, I always relate a spanking to an adult striking a child with a object of out anger for the sake of it, just so they can let off steam. In my mind, it's always about themselves releasing their frustration, their stress... nothing to do with educating and guiding. That's how it's been within every single member in my mom's or dad's side of the family (within the latino family); always done out of anger or frustration. Even if done in silence (without the additional yelling), it was always hard, long and painful.

[Vesuvius87]

I've always felt that my father had an obsession for using a belt as first resort, similar to a religious fanatic. For instance I lost an expensive golden bracelet my godmother gave me and my father's first response was threatening me with the belt. WTH. I was already damn 14 years old. Ok so no he didn't do it (he stopped using a belt on me at age 8) but threatening me with that thing for nothing is abuse. I'm still left wondering what on earth was that overreaction for losing a valuable object. I lost it. It's not like I did such a terrible thing.

[Opinion Owner]

@Vesuvius87 Thank you for being honest and sharing your experience, and I'm sorry that happened to you and your brother. I agree 100% with your views on spanking a child in anger. That is wrong, always.

But those were your personal experiences, not someone else's. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it, and doing it in anger is always the wrong way. My sister and brother in law are very loving and thoughtful parents. They did it the right way and it worked for my nephew.

I will add that I don't think most children require it. My nephew was one of the exceptions. But that determination should be left to the people who know best... the parents of the child who they know and love better than anyone else.

I wish you and your family the best.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you. Nowadays, what happened to me and my brother would be abuse. Tables have turned between my brother (who is now 23) and father. My father is the only person my brother has gotten physical with as an adult. Just several months ago, he shoved my now 71 year-old father hard enough to drop him, scraping his elbow and making him bleed. That literally shocked my father and for the first time, he actually feared my brother. He felt powerless and started crying.
My brother has never gotten physical with anyone else though. With others, he's gentle but with my father, he sometimes has sudden outbursts.

[Vesuvius87]

I think our Kenny will be a well-balanced boy. Even though he's just nearly 3 months old, we're avoiding placing TV screens or cell phone on him. We'll doing tummy time and lots of both baby talk and normal speech. I don't know much about child psychologist, but I've read that overestimulating a baby or letting him look at a screen for too long can use a child to be hyperactive and lack concentration, then lead to tantrums in a toddler.

[MemeSupreme]

kinda... like i think you shouldn't jump ship immediately, but just talk about it

you're supposed to work and figures things out as a team especially when you're learning how to be a parent as you go

[Vesuvius87]

My husband and I have mutually agreed that our son will not be raised with physical punishment. This doesn't mean there won't be healthy discipline (it just won't include hitting), boundaries and rules.

[slatyb]

Not at all. That is perfectly reasonable and also a red flag for me. I would never date someone who thought that was appropriate. Happily my wife has been very loving to her stepchild.

[Vesuvius87]

Good thing you've also found a like-minded person on this topic. I fail to understand why many people think lack of corporal punishment means having no discipline at all.

[Vesuvius87]

The word discipline is very general.

[slatyb]

I don't believe in "disciplining" children. I believe in helping them to recognize their emotions and regulate their behavior. Once my five-year-old child refused to brush their teeth. I didn't yell at them. I said "Ok, I can't make you brush your teeth, and I can't brush them for you. But if you aren't going to brush your teeth, I can't give you desserts because that would be bad for your teeth." They brushed their teeth, and later became quite responsible about oral hygiene -- more than most adults.

[Vesuvius87]

I love your style.

[slatyb]

I worked pretty well, but my child was exceptionally bright and loved having things in order. They would reshelve items in the grocery store if they could.

[SotiCoto]

I wouldn't say I'm fond of it... I don't like children, but hitting them is cowardly.
My preferred way of punishing children is duct-taping them to the wall because they're small and don't fall down easily.

[Ninania]

Well, it's illegal in my country for a reason. Nothing unreasonable about having "don't assault children no matter your reasoning" as a deal breaker.

[Vesuvius87]

It would be great if it was illegal in all countries.

[CorneliaUSA]

Do you have a kid/s?

[Ninania]

@CorneliaUSA yes.

[CorneliaUSA]

How old?

[StephanieChick111]

Yeah, that doesn't even need the be discussed. Never hit children.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. It's sad when people still excuse assaulting children. No one deserves to get strike with household objects nor slapped around.

[StephanieChick111]

Agreed. Sad that it even has to told.

[molonski2]

Exactly
Complete an utter abuse , and will only ever make things worse.

[fonduegirl]

You're a very emphatic person. I wish more people thought that way

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you very much.

[CorneliaUSA]

Do you have a kid/s?

[fonduegirl]

@CorneliaUSA me? Nope. I'll never

[CorneliaUSA]

Every child is unique, and what works for one might not work for another. Advice usually and opinions overlooks the specific child's temperament, age and developmental stage.

[fonduegirl]

@CorneliaUSA when the kids grow up, they'll hit you back. I'm just saying

[CorneliaUSA]

My dad was the desiplinary one and I NEVER ever hit him back. My older sister neither. Same with my sister and her 3 kids. Her husband is the absent type and she had to practice discipline. They never hit her back. They are 12, 16, and 22. And today, if you dare say something bad towards their mom, they will jump in and defend her. They love and respect their mom so much and they know she will protect them with her life. If your child hits you back then you did not implement spanking early enough. They need to learn early on what respect means, and that you respect your parents. "Honor your father and mother". Christian or no Christian, that's basic manners. Good friends of mine has darn naughty children. Mostly the boy. Disrespectful to the next level. They didn't practice discipline. They only talked nicely and took away electronics. I babysit for them once. The boy, after asking him nicely not to play in the house with the bb gun, shot his sister with it. I whipped his but solidly. It's been six years now.. who do you think he STILL listens to and who does he ignore... Talking nicely does not always work. With his parents he says, "no, why, I don't want to", and so on. With me he says "yes ma'me". Not all children are wired the same. Some are naturally submissive, and others have a will of their own. And the ones with the "will" just also need to understand there are rules and boundaries.

[Vesuvius87]

yeah it happened already. Not so long ago, my brother (he's into lifting weights and has gotten stronger) who is now in his early 20's, pushed my father very hard enough to drop him on the floor. It was hard enough to draw blood on my father's elbow. My father (who is already age 71), literally got scared and cried. He felt powerless at that moment. I imagine, my brother was feeling that same exact way whenever my father would hit him with the belt as ''discipline'' during his younger years.

[Vesuvius87]

My brother hasn't gotten physical with anyone else (not even when he used to get bullied at school), just with my father.

[fonduegirl]

@CorneliaUSA that's good

[fonduegirl]

Exactly @Vesuvius87

[Anonymous]

It's one of the deal breakers, but probably not top for most of people.

[Nikki1989]

Child abuse is never acceptable.

[qwerty2469]

Red flag for a terrible wife. Hitting is essential for raising a viable child. You are toxic femininity

[Vesuvius87]

Can you see what you're saying? My husband and I were both hit as children and still hate that practice as adults. Given that both of us are against corporal punishment done on children, I'm surprised you only mentioned me as toxic. He's clearly traumatized by the physical punishment and yelling done on him. I pretty much shared that same reaction he expressed. I have no interest in causing physical harm on our son either. I'm disgusted by anything that has to do with violence.

Hitting is actually essential for raising a fearful kid that will never fully trust you. It shows that you've failed since they're not really obeying you. They're just obeying because they don't want to be hit, nothing else.

[qwerty2469]

Your children will be more weak then you and your weak crybaby husband

[Vesuvius87]

I don't appreciate my husband being referred in that manner. It's absolutely normal to hate getting hurt by the person you're suppose to trust the most.

[qwerty2469]

I repeat. You and your husband are weak and are producing weak offspring

[TheKillerJason]

Belt only or something from the kitchen from the woman, sometimes those kids be bad

[Vesuvius87]

Yet striking an adult with a belt or kitchen utensil is assault. I don't believe those kids are bad. They are likely burning lots of energy or might have a disorder such as ADHD.
What I've noticed base on responses and reading on other sites is the parents are already frustrated and don't know what to do so they rely on using belts or other kitchen utensil. It's never about educating but releasing their stress. Basically the lost their cool and are at a loss.

[TheKillerJason]

Not with like marks on them just a sting

[Vesuvius87]

The idea of intentionally hurting my boy (even if it's a sting) disgust me. I hated it done on me and still hate it as an adult. For instance I'll never understand the time I got the answer wrong for the 3rd time and my father didn't have patience to teach me my math homework... then he immediately went towards the belt. Another time, I was chased with a belt (I locked myself and my mother had to talk him out of that) for not knowing how to operate a remote control and not understanding his instructions on the 3rd time. Jerk. I didn't want to speak with him the following day.

[TheKillerJason]

Dang was he drunk for math?

[Vesuvius87]

No he wasn't drunk. My father sucks at teaching. So neither me nor my husband will ever use belt nor objects on our son. Once in a while (on rare time), I still have nightmares about the belt used and it's been many years later since. Meanwhile my husband developed anxiety issues because his mother used to hit him with an extension cord.

[TheKillerJason]

I think that’s wrong for a man to hit a little girl should be mom’s job. But being “bad” at math isn’t what I meant about being bad. can I try faith healing on you? DEMONS LEAVE THIS WOMAN!!!

[Vesuvius87]

My husband and I are already atheists for the longest. I would say for almost 3 decades. Personally I can't see the point in hitting any little kid.

[TheKillerJason]

Iono I wasn’t even thinking of a girl. That’s honestly so messed up to hit a little girl. But a boy iono I’ve seen some kids do some damage

[Vesuvius87]

What type of damage?

[TheKillerJason]

Monetary but I guess those kids don’t yet have an appreciation for saving and hard work. Iono I just think boys are bad and get into trouble and need a whipping here and there but a girl no way maybe your mom could hit you with a spoon?

[CorneliaUSA]

@Vesuvius87. This is the difference. My dad fold the belt double and beat my a$s. It was him vs the stamina he had that day. What your parents did was the same. In that case, yes, it's abuse. Luckily I'm half my mom too. She never laid a hand on me. She only believes in psychology. So I always try the psyc option first before doing spankings. My mom was sou upset when I spanked my daughter when she was younger. After having to do babysitting by herself for a couple of days, she learned that talking does not work. Little madam had a mind of her own. And once she saw me give a spanking she could see that mine vs my dad's are nothing alike. Mine does not leave marks for days. So I completely get where you are coming from.

[CorneliaUSA]

@Vesuvius87. But also, there is abuse and there is punishment. And I practice reasonable punishment. I love my daughter very very much. But my mom still refuses to spank. So between me, my dad, my mom, and my ex... Who do you think she listens to... The strict ones? or the let's do psychology ones? She just laughs at my mom and ex. Grandpa doesn't spank her, BUT he has a LOUD voice and that silenced her. And he instructed my to correct her. My father knows that only his daughters are allowed to spank their kids. So we do, in a reasonable manner.

[CorneliaUSA]

@Vesuvius87. Lastly, My ex finally started implementing spankings a year ago, and now finally she listens to him. I learned this year that my daughter knows now. It was his turn to have her, they went to the store, I was there too. She wanted something and he said no. She started making a scene in the store. He said "I'm the boss and I say no". She responded "no you are not. Mommy is the boss". Obviously everyone in front of us started laughing. But when she turned to me, I said no too. She wasn't happy, but she stopped her tantrum. I didn't had to raise my voice, I didn't had to give a spanking. She has learned her place. And even tho my dad was way rougher than needed. Who do you think I called out to when someone tried to kidnap me? ... I called for my dad - the one I saw as strong and will protect me. When a boy tries to bully my daughter, and me and my ex stand next to one another... Who do you think she runs to for protection? Not her dad that is twice my size, No. Little me. So trust me, I know where you are coming from. I went through it too! But you, I believe, has better control over your temper than your dad, and your husband over his. You will know when to stop. You have the experience and knowledge to know the difference between abuse and spankings. I promise you your child will still love you if you practice it correctly. She doesn't even lie to me because she knows I won't over react. I will talk to her about what it is she did wrong. Explain why it's wrong. Them she needs to repeat it to me so that I know she understands and that it sunk in. And I will warn her that should this happen again, it will lead to a spanking. And she knows my threads aren't empty, anymore. I cried the first time I spanked my child. It sucks. You and your husband and boy will all be fine with spanking. It creates a health balance between parents and child.

[Vesuvius87]

@CorneliaUSA
I'm sorry to hear you were pretty much abused by your father. My mother (for a Latina) actually never hit me but was a yeller and would at times criticize me when comparing me to someone else. For instance when I had a difficult time forming friends and didn't have enough social skills, she once said ''Why can't you be like your friend Joanna, copy from her''. I couldn't because I'm not her and I didn't have the skills to continue extended conversations for hours. My mother only spanked my brother (less harder than my father) but not me. She copied from my father when she had my brother.

[Vesuvius87]

Then when my father didn't spank me anymore, he onced yelled at the top of his lungs that it scared the living hell out of me... to the point my face got red, I was shaking a bit and my mother thought I had a high fever. I find yelling loudly just as bad too.

[loveslongnails]

Not in my opinion

[WhitneySnow]

I agree with you

[Vesuvius87]

thanks

[BarryLiverstone]

What deal is being broken?

[Vesuvius87]

None so far. I'm just saying that I wouldn't stand someone that hits children.

[BarryLiverstone]

But there is no “someone”.. you are married so you are with him for life

[Vesuvius87]

yes and we're on the same page in regards to how we'll raise our son; no corporal punishment in the house. Otherwise, I wouldn't be a happy camper if my husband ever hit my child.
That someone can be a family member too such. For instance if my father (our baby's grandfather) were to hit him, I would report it.

[BarryLiverstone]

So then no need to ask the question.

[Vesuvius87]

I only asked because I got inspired by another post asking what else besides cheating would we break-up or file a divorce. So I wanted to share this.

[BarryLiverstone]

Gotcha. As you said, your husband isn’t willing to discipline. So it’s all good

[Vesuvius87]

Lack of corporal punishment isn't lack of discipline. Those are two different words. You can still discipline without hitting if you didn't know that.

[Vesuvius87]

Placing boundaries and rules (not hitting), along with being consistent is discipline.

[BarryLiverstone]

What I know is a spanking can be effective in discipline if it’s used to get the attention of a misbehaving child. Obv no one should abuse an another person.

[Vesuvius87]

But you were saying my husband isn't willing to discipline just because we don't agree with corporal punishment. That's a wrong wording. That's like saying only spanking is discipline, which would be wrong because discipline is a general word that can be applied in different areas and it's not necessary about spanking.

[beefcakebradybatson]

You're considered a GREAT DAD !!!

[Vesuvius87]

I'm the mother.

[beefcakebradybatson]

Sorry, Mom !!!

[Zylos]

Err no.