Have You Ever Had A Long Term Partner Tell You That They Want You To Find Someone Else? What Did You Do After They Said That To You?

[Finchie40]

My ex started saying this to me near the end of our relationship, she would make comments that I should go find another girl that will treat me better than she does because I deserve it and she admitted she can’t be that girl for me anymore. I said Ok , I will. If that’s what you really want me to do? Did I say the right thing or should I have said something different? One thing I don’t tolerate in relationships is immature mind games , my ex became a very selfish and immature person , another reason her and I are no longer together. Part of me assumed she met someone else or was interested in someone else by her even saying those words to me in the first place. Was I wrong for not playing into her games? Have you ever experienced this before with a partner that told you to go find someone else because you deserve better? What did you do about it?

[Noredcarpet]

That is just such a cliche of her to have said that to you. Who wants to hear that? She did not use any genuine communication skill saying that. I think you were right to answer her in the way you did. I get the impression you know who you are, for real, and so you are in a place where you stand strong and true, but that can be seen as threatening to someone who is hiding and not using genuine communication.

I know I am not perfect myself to actually dare to use genuine communication when an ex and current partner came off as irritated and telling me something, order, not asking, no offer of dialougue and I could tell if I used genuine communication at that point, daring to be vulnerable, they would not catch me, their walls were up. If someone is doing that non genuine approach to you I read it as if they are not ready to connect with you, it is all really bs. I have dared to use genuine communication before but when I did in a nice, calm way wanting to learn his take, thoughts on it, he would cut me short, maximum two sentences with him for instance saying he was sorry about something I felt he had done wrong but I too felt, understood if he did not agree, and I was ready to take on his anger. Only to have it cut short. I figured OK then. We went on as normal only I came to understand some part into this is when he let me know, angry, that he had not been sorry at all back then. He let me know once he felt secured enough and he did this when I thought we were happy and relaxed. When I felt safe with him. I got no answer when asking him why he didn't just give it to me before. Noone had told him to apologize back then. I only wanted to be understood and for him to understand me about what we had been fighting about before. I get it better these days that my ex was no good at genuine communication down to fear he had but I would have catched him if only he had trusted me. The other way around is that I was taught to not use genuine communication because my ex was not using it. My current was not using it when he got scared and so I was not using it. There were times I did run after him to ask him what he had just said and if we could talk, but he would try to end it before anything else was said about it, as if he decided alone all was said. I took it as if he was deep down afraid. I was trying to tell him to bring it up again with me when he wanted to, another time, place, hoping that would happen, but he would not and over time I got the same way he did, afraid to go there. My current is doing so much better at it now, but has, is working on himself, and I am somewhere between reminding myself to do that, building up the guts to do it, and holding back, adapting to how he is feeling, thinking I do not want him to go back to his old self, but I know I have to regardless still when I do initiate something to dare to use that genuine communication. Right now I know I feel the fear when approching something that used to be a trigger for the wrong communication form between us so I know I am at a fault. I am taking baby steps. It is never that I give cliches but it is more that I go silent about it.

I can not say why she said it, if guessing she wanted you to protest that you only wanted her or if she was trying to make a false end things friendly sort of way. All I know is it takes two to do genuine communication for it to work and move from there.

[lilyanony1]

My ex used to say this to me. We were on an off for 11 years.
He claimed because he was busy with his business he didn't have as much time to spend with me. And he didn't mind if I found someone else to play with. And if I did he had to approve and wanted to possibly do a threesome or just watch.
He seemed to be putting me under a lot of pressure to pursue this despite me saying I didn't want anyone else as I was at university again as a mature student and caring for my dad between working 12 hour shifts.
It made no sense to me that he was pressuring me so much.
It was hurtful and felt rather controlling especially when he would cancel on me last min for having him wait outside my house for 5 mins or kept refusing.
At one point he bought me a jumbo penis he claimed that it was good practice coz he wanted me to find someone with a big one.

Idiot!

I pretended to go along with it to see how he'd behave and he really got excited wanting to see what the options were.

In the end it actually led me to meeting one of my best male friends now-of 6 years...

I remember he and I got to talking and he was so upset and shocked that my boyfriend was offering me up like this he told me straight cut him off.


That was the plan anyways. But for whatever reason I just wasn't quite able to tell him to f off. I think because we had this nasty cycle of breaking up and getting back together.

It's been over now for 6 nearly 7 years now and I couldn't be happier that I'm free of that jerk.

[Finchie40]

Yea someone that loves and values you isn’t going to want you screwing someone else period , unless this was something you both discussed and agreed upon in the beginning of the relationship , but otherwise it’s a sign they are up to no good , and they want to play a victim when really they are the POS

[lilyanony1]

Agreed. Tbh when we first go together. I ended up having a dream to which I told him about. In the dream he was cloned and I got to sleep with them both. It was the most erotic and exciting dream I've ever had and I was happy to share it with him. But he was disgusted and called me a slut and thought I was sick for wanting two men at once. He was a cheater, and that was the reality of the situation near the end, he claimed he was renting a room but it was his girlfriend's home and I'm sure they had a child together. We stopped sleeping together when I suspected, that's why I kept him waiting or just refused to comply to his request. So I actually worked him out my systems before I finalised my ending with him. He ghosted me when my dad passed away. That was the last straw. Even to consider him a friend, tbh I would go as far as saying he's the lowest of the lowest.

[Finchie40]

He sounds like an asshole , especially by being offended by your dream? LOL Be thankful you aren’t with his ass anymore

[lilyanony1]

Oh hunny I am. My life may not be perfect now but I could most certainly do without his bull.

[OneViewpoint]

You would know better than anyone but her. Was she a drama queen looking to shore up her insecurities? Were you supposed to "put up a fight" for her? That sort of thing is all too common with women.

Personally, I'm like you. Tell me I should go find someone else because "you can't be that for me any more" and I'll take you at your word. Even if I know you're just trying to play mind games with me.

I don't believe in enabling people who do that shit. It can become a habit and set the relationship dynamic in an unhealthy way. You want out? You're out. Immediately. Not what you wanted. Maybe choose your words more carefully with the next guy.

[Finchie40]

Yup I agree, and that’s exactly what I did to her , and she regretted every second of it ,

[AviatorTom]

After our divorce, my ex-wife suggested I join a dating site, which I did. I met some nice women, dated a few, and met the one who I married... 9 years and counting.

[Finchie40]

Yea when my wife and I separated the first time around , I ended up meeting a few nice girls’ but the one girl I met , treated me like Gold and she was complete opposite of my wife , so I ended up falling for her and dated her for 6 months , until her husband knocked on my door, that was the end of that relationship. If she wasn’t married , I would still be with her because other than her lying about being married she treated me amazingly, but for whatever reason her husband ended up taking her back , which blew my mind as to why he did. So now I would love to find a girl that was just like her but single lol

[AI Opinion]

Hey, relationship expert here! ✨ Your ex might've been sending a breakup smoke signal, and it sounds like you caught on to her games quickly. Kudos for not falling into the trap! I've seen this play out many times—sometimes it's a sign they're looking for a way out or testing the waters with someone else. Your response was spot on, acknowledging her words without playing along with the drama. Keep focusing on what you deserve: respect, love, and maturity. Let the game-players find another playground! 🚀

[OlderAndWiser]

We're you living together when this happened?

[Greek_goddess_Iris]

Yes. We lived together.

[OlderAndWiser]

My question was directed to @Finchie40. I don’t know why you answered.

[Finchie40]

Yes, we were living together when this happened

[Greek_goddess_Iris]

That was an accident. Was still half asleep. The site wouldn't let me delete it.

[Anonymous]

I had that happen to me in my marriage. But we had problems. Sexually I could not keep up with him. For a while he worked from home and I was required to come home lunchtime to have sex with him and back to work again. 3 times a day was just too much. And became boring. I got a new job and lied and told him that my lunch was just 30 min so we won't have enough time to "do it" as he called it. Long storie short, he started hinting and eventually I just asked do you want to open up the marriage? He was so excited. I informed him that I have No desire to date but if the opportunity presents itself, how would our dating schedule work? And he will have to go to Her place because I don't want other women in our bed and when me and him have sex we will be using condoms going forward. He was not happy with those terms. I don't know how an open marriage works, but I feel like those were reasonable terms. Then he got upset because opening up is for him, not me. Sooooooo... Yeah... I don't even know what to say about that. I know have a bad viewpoint of "opening up" I feel like I was being very generous to open it up, and he was being selfish about this. We ended up not opening it. We tried spicing things up but his Idea of spicing it up was strapping me and giving pain. I really tried but couldn't handle the pain. The marriage became very sexually abusive and a few years later we ended up getting divorced.

[Finchie40]

I’m sorry to hear that you went through that , my marriage ended because she no longer wanted to spend time with me , I was just suppose to be her provider and be ok with her going on vacations without me , places that I always wanted to go to with her all of a sudden I was excluded from going , so she could go with her so called girlfriend instead , that I think she is being up to no good with. Of course she wouldn’t tell me the truth but I finally threw in the towel on her and said I want to be in a relationship with a girl that wants to share things and do things together , not a girl that wants to live complete separate lives , like what’s even the point of being together if we aren’t going to experience things together that we already talked about together , so you don’t upset your girlfriend? Make that make sense? So I said good bye , I deserve better than this

[Batsy01010101]

Wow I'm sorry you went through all of that

[blackeagle007]

Rough thing you went through. Was he on like viagra?

[Opinion Owner]

@blackeagle007 No. Just a very very high drive, very possessive and very controlling.

[Batsy01010101]

Wow I'm so sorry that's terrible

[Abbycado]

Sort of, but not in the way you would think. My first boyfriend was a year older than me. He graduated high school and was going to go off to college. I still had a year left.

It was a mutual decision to move on from one another since it was not going to work with him so far away. We both told each other that naturally we expected the other to find someone else at some point.

I waited for a year until graduating and getting to college. I didn't want a repeat my senior year of dating and then moving apart. So, yes, in a way I have had that happen.

[Finchie40]

The going to college excuse that most high school couples use to go to college , it basically comes down that one of them wants to be free and single , so they can hook up with other people
Without feeling guilty about it and they sugarcoat it the best way they can. Instead of just saying the truth that they want to keep their options opened. So I am sorry you experienced that. Understand your ex didn’t truly love and value you , he only cared about himself , because if he truly loved and cared about you he wouldn’t have to be single to go to college period. It was just his excuse to be a selfish player. Long distance relationships can work when you have 2 people that actually love each other and care about each other. Only selfish people pull what your ex pulled with you

[Abbycado]

Lol, nothing could be further from the truth in what you said. I didn't want a LDR either. I also did not want to attend the school he was going to once I graduated. So, were we just going to be long distance for the next seven years? Fuck that at my age.

[AvaRay]

Yes, I’ve experienced something similar..

When my long term partner tells me to find someone else cause they feel they can’t be enough, it’s one thing but when they’ve also done something disrespectful behind my back, it’s clear where the boundaries lie..

I acknowledged his words but didn’t compromise my self respect..

Walking away with clarity n dignity was my best decision I could make n I hv never regretted it.. 😊👍🏻

[Speaking_Frankly]

I haven't been told that but early in a relationship, I have been the one to say she should move on and find somebody else. There was no malice intended, I simply saw no middle ground on the disagreement we had and bore no ill will toward her.

I'd rather the relationship ended there than carry on a fester with resentment.

[Nikki1989]

Kind of. My last boyfriend before my husband and I decided we were not good as a couple but made great friends, which to this day we still are. It is not a big deal if you are mature enough and emotionally stable enough to accept it.

[Anonymous]

I have never had this happen, but you did the right thing

[Anonymous]

No, I've never been in a relationship, so it actually never happened to me.

[Anonymous]

I had someone say this to me it hurt like hell left me heartbroken. A lot of things she said and did left me heartbroken

[Tangxiaoxue]

It means I am not satisfied with you

[bunniesrcute]

nah but i was the one who said it

[Eddaisy]

Yes.

[Finchie40]

What happened?

[Eddaisy]

SelSorry, I answered the wrong question

[Finchie40]

No problem