Isn't it true that everyone reads their partner's messages so my boyfriend should let me?

Question

My boyfriend refuses to let me read his messages between friends, saying that even if he gives consent, the people he's talking to have not. I said that is a weak excuse and everyone should assume that if someone is in a relationship their partner will be reading their messages, so it's fine.

Who is in the right here?

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

I've never had a girlfriend ask to read my messages and I've never asked to read hers. But there is important context - I establish clear boundaries and expectations and I hold myself to them just as much as I hold her to them. I don't go "out" without her (to the extent that I go out at all) and I don't allow myself to be in situations that could even potentially be compromising.

I also vet her morals and values heavily over a period of time before I make any commitment, and I am not afraid to be alone, meaning I'd rather be single than be with someone who lacks strong morals and values or who isn't able to establish and maintain boundaries.

What a lot of people don't realize is that if you haven't petty thoroughly vetted your partner before committing to the relationship, then you will never feel secure in that relationship and there's no way to fix it, and when you check his phone and don't find anything, it won't make things better, you'll just get more paranoid.

Things that you don't expect to be in your life for long, or won't have any great importance to you, you can choose based on emotions or surface feelings - a T-shirt, and hat, a dessert, etc. And, I suppose, if you only want a one night stand, you can choose that way too. But if you want a serious relationship that can be sustained, you are almost assured to fail if you choose that way. The only path to success is to base your choice on their morals, values, and life goals, which must be broadly compatible with yours, and you MUST determine this BEFORE you commit, because the person you choose is NOT going to change (at least, not in a positive way), and you're going to have to live with your choice. You have to be strong enough to let someone go and move on if they fail your vetting process, and the reason so many relationships fail is that most people simply refuse to let someone go that they feel attracted to, even if they completely fail your vetting process.

Start by asking yourself WHY you feel compelled to read his messages. Does he behave in ways that suggest he isn't faithful? Or is this just your own past trauma being projected onto him?

Either way, you have at least some responsibility for the situation that you are in, and you need to accept that and address it as needed.

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

Every relationship is different so that’s a compatibility thing. Sometimes it’s not cheating some people what privacy especially if there is family matters going on.

But there’s a reason you’re wanting to read them it seems like the trust is gone. Also…. Some people get overly defensive because they’re hiding something. So if you have a bad feeling you very well could be right.

You’re entitled to have standards but you aren’t entitled to force someone else to conform to those standards. You can leave a relationship and choose someone who will let you read their texts and they can read yours.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

A phone is like a diary. It's a private space for your partner. You are not in relationships with your partner's friends. He is. And what goes on between them is their business. Just as what they share in confidence is just that: shared in confidence.

There are some couples who do this. I think it's unhealthy and doesn't respect each others' boundaries. Unless he shows you something specifically, such as a joke, video, or a particular comment someone said for a specific reason, let your partner have his private time and relationships that do not include you.

What you're talking about isn't sharing. It's invasion. And lack of trust and exerting control over someone else's time and relationships.

And no. Everyone DOES NOT share their partner's messages.

emeraldsaphire · Accepted Answer

I agree with your boyfriend. I don't know about you, but I have a chat with my girl friends it's called girls only lol. I'd never let my husband read it because my friends often talk about really really vulnerable stuff that they wouldn't want a man to hear.

I know my Husband has a chat with his guy friends. I'm sure they talk about cars, and other man stuff lol. I've never asked to read it. If he is talking to women friends then I could see your point more, but I still think relationships are built on trust and part of trust comes with privacy.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Hey lovebird! So, my aim here is to sprinkle some insight into your relationship conundrums 😘. Your boyfriend's got a point – privacy is key, even in relationships. Trust and communication are the bedrock, not secret reading missions 🕵️‍♀️. Instead of assuming, try having an open chat about why you feel the need to peek. Remember, privacy isn’t a red flag but wanting control just might be. Keep it honest and keep the love flowing! 💌

OlderAndWiser · Answer

People have different levels of privacy they want to maintain, and they are neither right nor wrong; they are simply preferences. I have had girlfriends who would lock the bathroom door if they only needed to pee, and some who would leave the door open when they were taking a dump. Everybody has a level of exposure and openness that is comfortable.

In this situation, it doesn't matter "who is right and who is wrong." That kind of thinking destroys relationships. What matters is respect each other boundaries and needs. And you are not wanting to respect what he has clearly expressed to you.

Why do you need to see his messages? Are you afraid he is cheating on you? Do you have any evidence to support your suspicions? Or do you simply not trust him? It sounds like there is a bigger, more fundamental issue in your relationship.

Finchie40 · Answer

He is right , you shouldn’t have to read his conversations with his friends’ or with whoever , so you should respect his privacy just like he should be respecting yours as well , because ask yourself , what are you hoping to find? Are you hoping you find him talking to other girls’ or talking shit on you? If that’s the case then you shouldn’t be with him because you don’t trust him whatsoever

AviatorTom · Answer

Not at all. I don't read my wife's messages and she doesn't read mine, except for the rare case when one of us gets a message that the other should know about, like a change in insurance coverage.

DishLady · Answer

As Mama used to say, "If everyone jumps out the window, should you?" (The correct answer is NO.)

Orion84 · Answer

You're the one that's in the wrong, here.

His reasoning isn't the one I'd give, but at the core, he's more in the right than you are. Even in a relationship, both partners have what's called a reasonable expectation of privacy.

You're not entitled to read your partner's messages, or go through their phone, and he has no reason to let you do so. He can, if he wants to, but he's under no obligation. He has the right to keep those conversations private.

If you don't trust him, that's ultimately on you to work through. Either find a way to deal with your insecurities, or break up with him if you suspect there's a reason to do so.

Anonymous · Answer

He’s right. Being together w someone in a relationship doesn’t mean you lose your personal space. It’s not about being secretive either. It’s about respect for his friends. They trust him just as I’m sure you trust your female friends w things you tell them. Healthy relationships have boundaries whether it’s a relationship like yours w him or his w his friends. If you can’t trust him then you shouldn’t be w him. I’ve been w my girl for 18 years. Neither of us have felt a need to read one an others messages. Other than you, who I don’t know personally, I don’t know of any other person who thinks it’s ok to do this.

Bitter_Sweet94 · Answer

No, not everyone reads their partner’s messages, and it shouldn’t be treated like something normal.

Trust isn’t built by surveillance, it’s built by openness.

If you need to see his messages to feel safe, the real issue isn’t the phone , it’s the insecurity or the behavior that created it.

And if he has nothing to hide, he should still be allowed to have privacy.

A healthy relationship has transparency,
not monitoring.

aaron13547 · Answer

Neither of you. You both are being selfish. Sounds to me like you dont trust him and he doesn't trust you. That ain't right for the relationship... good relationships bring out the best in us not the worse. I think there are bigger problems then what the messages say or dont say.

Text him that I bet that everyone around both of you get to "see" that message manifest into reality...

Good luck!

Paul_in_Indy · Answer

No, it is not normal. Some committed and comfortable relationships probably do let the other have free access. But until you are married and secure, it’s perfectly reasonable for him to have private conversations where he can speak his mind and not worry about you looking over his shoulder and analyzing it. If you are insecure and distrustful, maybe that’s a sign you aren’t happy with the relationship. Maybe you should move on?

admles · Answer

Your boyfriend is 100% right.

my wife doesn’t read my private messages or even check my phone because she respects my privacy and that of those I talk to, because we have trust and respect. She knows my pin and could easily check it but she doesn’t.

Greek_goddess_Iris · Answer

First thing that comes to mind is he is hiding something. Or talking to another girl, or just see you as a piece of ass and telling his friends what a good fuck you were the night before.

Also, is he allowed to read yours? Relationships are a two-way road.

msc545 · Answer

You must be an absolute nightmare to be around. Your boyfriend should trade you in on a better model. His messages are basically none of your damn business and I wouldn't even have this conversation with you. Quite frankly I would just throw you out of my house. Don't you believe in privacy at all?

melanieeeB · Answer

I would never read my boyfriends texts, it's between him and his friends. He doesn't read mine either. Some texts are private.

Like i would not go and tell the secrets of my friends to him, it's not his business to know.

VioletHaze · Answer

I agree with your man. While I would tell my husband what's going on in my life, I would guard the privacy of my friends and loved ones. How would you feel if your friend told her husband all about you?

RavVid · Answer

I left my phone unlocked and my girlfriend of the time sent nasty messages pretending to be me.

So no future girlfriend is getting access and he is right you dont have there permission to read what they have written

DryGermanGuy · Answer

Wth! I certainly would write my buddies less and certainly less frankly, if their girlfriends or wives would sneak into there. 🤦‍♂️

Kabluie · Answer

The boy is right, their communication is with the expectation it's 1:1 with them and they find out a 3rd party is privy to it, they may relinquish their openness, may even disengage from the friendship.

anon1903 · Answer

Depends on the context.

I would never advocate for snooping or invasion of privacy. However, I would be a little curious if the other person guards their phone messages with life.

Probsbly have to talk this out

Vevv123 · Answer

When you’re in a relationship you basically become one and there should be no secrets between you and him. And if there’s something that is so top secret enough that would make “his friends” worried then that’s questionable.

Nikki1989 · Answer

You need to communicate what specific behavior (or lack thereof) has eroded your trust. There is something obviously wrong here.

Flower7 · Answer

Why do you want to read the messages that he’s sending with his friends? Are you suspicious about something?

Noredcarpet · Answer

He is in the right 100%. You need to trust him, that is where the real issue is, sorry to be so blunt.

mysteriousNicholas · Answer

I'm pretty sure there's many laws in the world about personal privacy 😞 🔏 even between couples, shrug

HighValue · Answer

People that want a good, successful, long term relationship should agree that neither of them should have a smart phone at all.

SweetDripp · Answer

He is right. You shouldn't read your partner's messages to other people. If you feel the need to monitor his texts, you shouldn't be together.

jahaims · Answer

You are immature and invasive. If you make your choices off of "what everyone else is doing" then you are stupid and absent of morals/values.

Shy_Steve · Answer

I reckon he is right.

Because the fact is most Women do not want Guys to read their texts.

You might think it's fair and you might even let him, But you would still prefer that he didn't.

Don't Guys deserve the same right?

Shiprex · Answer

He's right and this should be respected as it affects HIS relationships with them and not yours.

JesseP1nk · Answer

Im with John Delony on this one

LiamJHayden · Answer

If I ever felt the need to read a girlfriend's messages I would just end it as the trust was gone.

Twalli · Answer

I don't assume my girlfriend is reading my messages, because she's not. If you trust him, you shouldn't have any desire to do so.

Anonymous · Answer

I think you’re in the right. Your boyfriend owes you everything he communicates to. It’s about openness, no secrets. I wouldn’t like it if a friend tells his wife about me, though. But it’s fine that’s anyone else.

Anonymous · Answer

It depends on the relationship. You have to establish those rules together.

Bloodparadise · Answer

Why are you reading his messages? Is there something wrong with the relationship?

Pohjolan · Answer

No. Group chats are for when one wants to include more people.

Anonymous · Answer

Your boyfriend is right. Stop being a snoop.

Anonymous · Answer

No, some people should learn to respect other people's privacy.

Wraith_Cemetery · Answer

That's actually not a weak excuse.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

No. That's not normal

exitseven · Answer

I would never expect to read anyone;s messages.

douride2 · Answer

I would never read my partners messages.

ABC1x1x · Answer

he's cheating. Dump him.

Jmmmfi4 · Answer

You sound a little crazy

spartan55 · Answer

Not you crazy girl.

Vegasrunner · Answer

He is right.

Isn't it true that everyone reads their partner's messages so my boyfriend should let me?

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Isn't it true that everyone reads their partner's messages so my boyfriend should let me?

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