Should I make men earn my love instead of giving it so freely?

[MissSunshine2]

I’ve noticed that when I fall in love, I am a very doting partner who spoils them and they start off interested, then end up feeling entitled, taking me for granted getting bored, then leaving me for someone else. Then they’re always really shocked when they can’t have another chance to continue treating me with contempt.

[nolabels]

I'd recommend neither approach.
That's easier said than done, though.

If you don't mind me changing your wording of the question, I'd say that the term 'earning' one's love could be somewhat altered to be more cleanly defined as simply waiting for a certain someone to come along who loves you as you are.
No 'earning' is needed.

Using your other term, 'giving it so freely' is never a great idea, but our emotions seem to jump in and cause all or most of us to act in strange ways when new relationships come along.

Although sometimes difficult to do, simply being oneself is all that's needed to attract and maintain a connection with a romantic partner.

Good luck and cheers to you!

[Grond21]

That is so sad they take your life very and kindness for granted!

My suggestion would be to give your love to those who have proven worthy of it. And usually that proof would be shown in degrees over time, and so in a similar way your love and affection would increase over time. Don't make him constantly have to prove himself, as being in a constant testing situation can become exhausting. But don't give your love away to just anyone, either.

[Grond21]

Thank you for the MHO!

[AI Opinion]

I’m on GAG to help you decode love messes like this and protect that big heart of yours.

You shouldn’t make men “earn” your love with games, but you *should* make them earn access to your soft side over time. Give slowly, match their effort, and watch consistency. If he starts lovebombing then slacking, that’s a red flag.

Spoiling is cute, self-abandonment isn’t. Set standards, not walls. The right guy won’t get “bored” by being treated well; he’ll feel lucky as hell.

[OlderAndWiser]

How would you feel if a potential partner told you that you needed to earn his love?

[whosnumber_1]

Relationships are a give and take. It's great to dote on someone if you love them but maybe you don't set boundaries for yourself? If you find partners take advantage and treat you with contempt it could be that you are allowing some bad behavior. Sometimes it can start out small.

Also having to make someone always work to earn your affection is not healthy as well and could lead to some bad pathology later in the relationship.

Why do you think you feel the need to spoil your partner early on in the relationship?

[MissSunshine2]

I always felt like I needed to confirm when I was talking to them next and assure them I was interested and dote on them. That’s what I watched my dad do to my mum.

[whosnumber_1]

I get that. Maybe that's something to explore for yourself. You doing need to dote as much perhaps. Sometimes showing up and remembering things of meaning carry more weight.

[MissSunshine2]

Maybe so 😊

[sage2021]

There are tons of videos like on YouTube about this very question.

These videos will tell you what you need to know better than I am able to do with my words.

If I happen to see some that would be of interest to you I will send them to you via private messages here okay? 👍🏼

[Anonymous]

I can see why you feel that way, it's not easy to put your heart just to feel unappreciated. I think that staying away from anything that feels like a game is the best way to get the kind of love you are looking for. Instead of earning your love, you could use boundaries and reciprocity as your filter, that way you find men that are also willing to give 100% and appreciate you back

[Tarifa]

They should deserve you. Make them put in some effort. Any relationship that is unbalanced is bound to either vanish or barely survive.

[msc545]

No, I think you should be who you are and stop trying to force me to do things that I really want to do in order to get in your pants.

[MissSunshine2]

Oh? Do we know each other? If we do, then I’m not trying to force you into anything. I’ve made it clear that I want something serious and that I won’t tolerate disrespect or hot and cold behaviour.

[msc545]

Yeah, that was my translation software screwing up. Sorry about that. I wasn't talking about myself.

[msc545]

That being said, I think forcing anyone to "earn something" is kind of a mistake on our part, no offense intended.

[MissSunshine2]

Maybe so.

[MissSunshine2]

It sounds like maybe you were talking about yourself. In any case, I think we’ve both made our points to each other, respectfully this time; and you’ve finally been up front about not wanting anything serious and feeling pressured, whereas I’ve told you I felt disrespected and annoyed by the hot and cold behaviour and mixed messages.

[msc545]

Who is the person that is behaving in a hot and cold fashion and giving you mixed messages?

[MissSunshine2]

It’s a guy I was friends with who lied.

[MissSunshine2]

So if I might ask, why weren’t you more upfront about not wanting anything serious?

[MissSunshine2]

Anyway, I hear what you’re saying. You are finally being honest about your lack of intention to commit. I will know in future not to bother seeking a commitment and look elsewhere in future.

[MissSunshine2]

I’ll also look elsewhere in terms of friendship.

[MissSunshine2]

by the way I take offence to the implication that I’m aggressive and trying to coerce you into sex. I loved you and hoped for a future with you. I treated you very well and you cheated and lied and then tried to justify it as though it’s okay. It’s not okay and I’m not wasting any more time on a man who doesn’t like me enough to commit to me and if you regret that you didn’t, I’m afraid you should’ve figured that out a lot earlier.

[YourExLover69]

Love and relationships work with respect and mutually. Both sides should take efforts but guys should initiate 🙈💕

[Kelly6]

@MissSunshine2 no no no

now a days guys are staying away from this style.

in this way you will never find anyone

[dragoblack]

Love is always something that should be built between 2 people. Attraction & lust are easy, love takes effort & time.

[avatarX]

Not freely, but generously. Good luck!

[jahaims]

That's not love

[LC75LC71]

They won't stick around.

[MissSunshine2]

Really; and how do you know this?

[LC75LC71]

Because you're insane.

[MissSunshine2]

Insane? How so?

[MissSunshine2]

I assure you I am quite sane. I’ve been assessed by a therapist.

[LC75LC71]

Your questions are all over the place..

[MissSunshine2]

I’m bored. Anyway, since when do I owe you a justification for my questions? I’m pretty sure I don’t even know you.

[MissSunshine2]

Also I’m Autistic so I don’t read social cues well.

[MissSunshine2]

What’s your excuse?

[LC75LC71]

I'm in massive pain. Fuck it, this in sorts is a reliever. You don't owe me shit. Why do sane people see therapists? Seems like a waste of money..

[MissSunshine2]

Oh okay. Well you can talk to me if it would help 🙂

[MissSunshine2]

I’m a good listener.

[LC75LC71]

Not at this time. I have severe neurosis in my feet. It feels like they are swelling and almost burning at the same time. It's fucking horrible. I have to go. Any shit talk I gave you was kidding.

[MissSunshine2]

I’m really sorry about your suffering and it’s okay.

[LC75LC71]

It is what it is. I do have an appointment this Thursday finally to confirm said diagnosis and and least get some pain pills. Not the children shit they prescribe at hospitals.