Is my partner’s silent treatment during fights emotional neglect?

[Anonymous]

Little back story, personally, I cannot stand when anyone especially my boyfriend ignores me when things aren't going well. I like to talk things out bit by bit even if people are still upset with me, I like to communicate and I told this to my boyfriend when we started dating because he just goes complete silence mode.

Anyways,

So, me and my partner of almost 4 years had a very bad screaming match fight last week, I won't get into detail why but it was bad. He does what I expected and ignores me for the night, me being the anxious person I am I'm still texting him hoping I get a response. I understand if a person needs space, a day or two or whatever. I just ask for my boyfriend at least some acknowledgement, say hi, look at my messages at least or something. Don't completely ghost me. My partner went maybe 4 or 5 days not speaking to me at all, then he would finally message me and tell me he needs the week alone, but he would only pretty much point the finger at me and how much stress I caused him before quickly leaving the convo and not listening to me. In total I have barely spoken to him in 9 days. Except his little comments and not hearing me out at all. I've gotten so depressed over it, and my mind is racing with thoughts I shouldn't be putting in my head but I can't help it. He knows I hate this. And he knows I've told him this doesn't solve anything for me. I'm not gonna be happy when he finally decides to talk.

I just need some strangers feedback. I feel awful.

[HollyK21]

I’m wondering if you are the woman who posted (this morning or yesterday) about her boyfriend of nearly 4 years changing his mind and not wanting to get married or have kids, because I could imagine a bad fight taking place as a result of that. If you aren’t that woman, totally fine. In any case, it sounds like you and your partner are on two different wavelengths.


On one hand, I don’t think it’s the best route to essentially push and push for a conversation that someone clearly isn’t trying to have. Just because you “cannot stand when anyone especially my boyfriend ignores me when things aren't going well”, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be mindful of their boundaries. You shouldn’t center your own discomforts, needs, and anxiety while ignoring someone else’s, whether that’s your boyfriend or anyone else, since you claim this behavior isn’t limited to just him.


This mindset: “I like to talk things out bit by bit even if people are still upset with me, I like to communicate” could prove to be quite problematic or push someone away entirely. Which seems to be the case with your boyfriend since he has resorted to giving you the silent treatment.
As for his behavior, that isn’t right either. Who knows, maybe he feels like if you won’t stop essentially demanding a conversation when he isn’t interested in having it, then he’s just going to checkout.


For someone like you though, who needs to have these talks, it’s emotionally distressing and that’s simply a position you shouldn’t wanna keep putting yourself in. Dealing with him is an active decision, and you may be better suited with a man who’s more receptive. I’d also suggest considering therapy for yourself, if you haven’t already. Maybe they could give you healthy coping and communicating tools, not just for talking to him, but anyone else.

[Asker]

Not me but thank you for your input. I try to be mindful but I think there's a limit where my anxiety starts to highten after a certain amount of days and I get in my head that I just can't deal with it anymore I just want to talk but I don't get it.

[HollyK21]

I have a scenario for you to consider. Let’s say that you and I have been best friends for ages — you love me, care about me and want the best for me. If I were in your exact position, down to the T, when would you say is a feasible point for me to call it quits? Keep in mind, we’ve been together a long time, I love him and am having a really hard time walking away for this or that reason. How much more would you advise I deal with? What would be your talking points as to why I should and shouldn’t stay?

[HollyK21]

I know this isn’t the most comfortable line of questioning and I’m not trying to be invasive, I just think that sometimes to better understand what you’re experiencing, you’ve got to look at it from a different POV. I think you’d really like to talk about this situation as a whole, otherwise you wouldn’t be here, so let’s try to have that chat.

[Asker]

I would probably say you deserve someone better who can give you what you want in a relationship and doesn't ignore you feelings. But also, I would probably recommend to go into couples counselling or solo counselling to try and see if you can come to an agreement.

If the relationship outside of this flaw of poor communications is great and you get along great, I would say to work on it and see what happens.

But in my experience I really try and give people so many chances maybe more than deserved cause I have issues with people leaving my life.

[HollyK21]

Great answer🙏. I do have some questions though. When it comes to this:

“If the relationship outside of this flaw of poor communications is great and you get along great”

I really have to wonder what your idea of greatness would amount to, when these are examples of what you experience:

“He does what I expected and ignores me”

This comes across as something you’ve grown to anticipate within your relationship. As is this:

“My partner went maybe 4 or 5 days not speaking to me at all”

Going days on end without a word, then when you finally hear back, you get this:

“then he would finally message me and tell me he needs the week alone”

That’s nearly 2 weeks of punishment. Now, if you love me as you should love yourself, what about this situation would you suggest that I consider therapy to save? After only 3 years, and aspects of the current scenario being:

“He knows I hate this. And he knows I've told him this doesn't solve anything for me”
“I've gotten so depressed over it”
“my mind is racing with thoughts I shouldn't be putting in my head but I can't help it”

What exactly would there be for me to fight for and salvage? Where is the love and greatness that allegedly supersedes all the drama?

[HollyK21]

This is only me challenging your rationale, and potentially giving you some things to think about, no judgement whatsoever. I just think that when you’re at a certain point in your relationship, the good has to outweigh the bad. To even consider therapy, it’s have to be a thing where if I made a list with two sides — good vs bad — even if there are grievances on the bad side, those things on the good blow the bad out of the water. I also think there should be healthy limits and boundaries on the bad side, for example: we sometimes bicker about finances but overall we don’t shout over eachother to get our points across and he’s moderately receptive when it comes to how I feel about money.

Or: he gets stressed out about life and that can really bring down the mood, but when I address that, he doesn’t stonewall me or yell, he listens to hear where I’m coming from.

These are ways the good should be outweighing the bad, with the bad not being screaming matches, disappearing acts or threats to leave the relationship completely. Bad should not include boundary crossing, distressing and hurting.

[Abbycado]

It’s immature. People have arguments and disagreements. You should be able to talk and work it out.

[Anonymous]

Yes. That is far too long and very immature.

[AI Opinion]

I’m here on GAG to help you see the red flags and protect your heart, gorgeous.

Yes, this absolutely leans into emotional neglect. Needing space is healthy, silent treatment is not. Four to nine days of ghosting, blaming you, refusing to listen, knowing it triggers your anxiety? That’s punishment, not conflict resolution.

You’re not “too much” for wanting communication. He’s too unavailable. You deserve someone who cools off, then leans in, not disappears.

[Anonymous]

Yes.