How can I be a trusted guide and friend to my son without being permissive?

[Vesuvius87]

I'm comparing my parents' relationship and what I would like for my son.

I feel more emotionally secure with my mother than my father. At least I never feared her. Even though my father has always been a good provider and shower me with gifts and trips, he relied too much on immediate compliance and obedience (even if it's just out of fear) in return or else get punished. If I was (much older) ever angry about something I found unfair and expressed my feelings, he would interpret that as a spoiled brat challenging him and get even by giving me the silent treatment as alternative punishment. So it's basically ''my way or the highway'' to him; like an authoritarian. Certain times I've felt my feeling, concerns and issues were invalidated, whatever was bothering me never got solved and our communication over the years felt more like a business transaction. So whenever I wanted to complain, I would vent it out online, to others or pay a psychologist. That's sad... when all that could've been done for free if he was more open-minded and let me express myself more.

My mother keeps mentioning about how he did a lot for me on my wedding and the gifts he gave me over the years so I have nothing to complain. But what does that have to do with emotional security and trust?

My husband and I will raise our 10 month-old son differently. I would like to also be my son's guidance and friend he can trust with anything. I don't want him to ever fear me. If he's upset about something I'm doing and finds it unfair, I would want him to express it. Perhaps I'm making errors and would like him to tell me what I'm doing wrong and we can come to a mutual agreement. Can that be done without sounding permissive?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Respect your child’s autonomy and decisions, even if you find it questionable. If he questions a rule, explain why it exists. If he does something wrong, make sure he knows why it was wrong. And also discipline him appropriately. Teach him empathy, and respect him as a person. As he gets old enough to display more of himself and who he is, work on yourself as he does. You’re growing as a parent the same way he grows into adulthood. Make time to find space to ask what you’re doing, if there’s anything you want to change, why you want to change it, etc. journaling can help in that

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you for the input. I would definitely want to raise a unique, person with his own feelings, likes and dislikes. I'm tired of the old-school that focused on raising obedient little servants that have limited opinions.

[slatyb]

That doesn't sound permissive. Giving in to his every demand would be permissive and unwise. I suggest you research "natural and logical consequences". A natural consequence is to allow a child to experience the result of their behavior without rescuing them. For example if a child wants to go out in chilly weather without a jacket, and it's not dangerously cold, let them. That's a natural consequence. But if your child does something that puts them in danger or aggravates others, you have to intevene and prevent the behavior. That's a logical consequence. If you take your child to a park and they run into the street, a logical consequence would be to take them home. Punishment is never appropriate or necessary.

[Vesuvius87]

Thank you very much. I'll do further research on that. I've realized for the longest that punishment has nothing to do with the behavior nor learning. Even if it was a truly rude teenager (ages 13-14 years old) backtalking, that's still communicating. Some still believe in using a belt for that. What does using a belt to hit has to do with backtalking. In the real world, a boss wouldn't hit your with a belt for backtalking to him. He would either give write a report and suspend you for a couple days or fire you; logical consequences.

[Vesuvius87]

I never understood how does getting hit as punishment or given the cold shoulders when trying to make a point (but the parent seeing it as challenging them) is even logical or even learning values and respect.

[slatyb]

Both are abusive, whether it's parent and child or two adults.

[slatyb]

Anyway the basic answer is to treat children as people who are learning about the world, and it's your responsibility to provide their basic needs, protect them from danger, and help them grow. Presumably you don't scream at other adults or hit them when you are frustrated, so don't do it to your children.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. My husband also sees spanking as assault as it should be and that those glorifying that (the ones expressing being grateful for having parents that hit them, thinking it was deserved) are using it as an excuse to continue assaulting kids. The world needs more fathers like my husband and you, that are against using punitive methods.

[ohsheeT]

First of all you have to be 100 % honest with your self leave everyone else out of it

You have the job to make your son 100x's better than you you lead by your actions your tone you actions your love. You know right from wrong so in a peaceful calm way project it

[Vesuvius87]

yeah I definitely want my son to be much better than me. I'm breaking the cycle of the traditional parenting base on obedience.

[Anonymous]

You only can do as a mother. You only should do as a mother. It is important especially for a son to have a man who shows him man things and talk with him about men things.

I've been through this.

Let me tell you: a son needs his father. 14+ is most important time. There are things you can't teach and tell or understand as his mother. I tried to be both. Now when I look back: that is not possible. A child always needs both parents. The mental damage is different when parents divorced. Some take more some take less but all have mental damage.

[Vesuvius87]

I understand the differences between motherly and fatherly love. Both have their functions but there is something in common my husband and I have agreed upon. There will be no corporal punishment done on our son, nothing done out of fear.
My husband wants respect but not out of fear, but the genuine type and cooperation. I would want genuine respect, open communication, emotional security, trust and cognitive abilities.

[Vesuvius87]

I've always felt my father lacked communication skills when it comes to someone of opposing views. He quickly tells you to shut up whenever he feels challenged, even if he were really in the wrong?

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you build healthier, safer love and family bonds than the ones that hurt you.

You can totally be a trusted guide without being a doormat, gorgeous. Firm boundaries + soft heart. Clear rules, explained calmly. Consequences, never revenge. Validate feelings, even when you keep the limit. “I get you’re angry, but this rule stays.”

Connection first, correction second. That’s not permissive, that’s secure attachment, and your son is already winning with you as his mom 💛

[NathanDavis]

don't be a friend to your kids

be a MOTHER, a friendly one too but not only a friendly one, lol

it would be a mistake to try to be something you're not and will never be... friends are not supposed to "guide you and raise you through life" lol

that's the responsibility of a parent

other than that, learn balance... because it's all about balance

[Vesuvius87]

True. There is balance in life. I'll be a friendly Latina mom but yeah there will still be boundaries.

[NathanDavis]

balance and consistency too...

also, teaming up is important... both parents should be on it, and not just one, lol

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

You are his mother, not his buddy or friend.

Don't treat your kid as a buddy because that will cause them not to see you as an authority over them that they must obey when spoken to.

Teach your kid about life lessons to your best ability.

[Vesuvius87]

What if I can be all hats, mother when I have to be serious about important things, guide when he needs my advice and friend when he needs someone to trust. I don't really like old school. That's the reason my relationship with my father isn't as close as with my mother.
I like the idea of raising a human with feelings, dislikes, likes. For instance if he hates spinach, then I can try to get him to eat some of it and then I won't ever cook that again.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

You can communicate with your child without coming off as a friend.

It will always backfire especially in their formative years.

[Vesuvius87]

You have a good point there. I guess in life everything has its disadvantages, if done in extreme.

[WhitneySnow]

I think you can do that without being overly permissive

[Vesuvius87]

yeah. I tend to like being creative too.

[WhitneySnow]

You’ll do fine

[jahaims]

Parents shouldn't be friends with their kids until they are adults. You are there to help him learn how to be a human, not to be a friend

[Vesuvius87]

yeah I want to help him succeed in life but I don't agree with the old school stuff. I don't want an obedient servant that's only complying out of fear.

[msc545]

Being permissive is not the worst thing you can be. Being a rigid authoritarian is the worst and most destructive thing you can be.

[Vesuvius87]

Indeed it isn't. At least if the child is spoiled, he isn't affected by any drama. I would obviously keep a balance but never be an authoritarian. Anytime it's fear-based compliance and obedience is already authoritarian, not authoritative.

[Smegskull]

If i didn't fear my mother I never would have followed her rules.

[Vesuvius87]

That's what I don't want; a fearful follower. I don't want to repeat the same relationship I have with my father; close in the aspect that we're still a family but a business transaction type with limited subjects to talk about. I've realized no amount of money (financial support) or even trips will ever erase the pain of being punished harshly, of being afraid. My feelings of hurt is still valid though. It's what I feel and I wouldn't want that for my son.

[Smegskull]

I don't think the fear of a mother and father is the same.
Like: You should be scared of the school principle but not scared of the school police officer.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by permissive?

Usually it refers to s culture where sex is available

And young people can do stuff sex, drugs, rock and roll

[Vesuvius87]

My husband I will do the gentle parenting approach with our son. That's a more humanistic approach, where a child is treated as an individual worthy of respect and security, proven there are boundaries. The things that will never be included in our approach is fear-based compliance and obedience nor coporal punishment.
I've been hearing from too many people that think our approach is being a permissive parent and that my son will act wild. But my point is you can get genuine respect without fear.

[Opinion Owner]

Sounds good
I think you're right
Can I ask what your approach to sex?
You will encourage him when he's like 16?

[Vesuvius87]

Why 16? Why should sex be treated as a contest among males? That should be a conscious decision only to be made when he's ready, not because of peer pressure, not because others are telling him to do it or out of desperation. Ideally, I would prefer him to finish HS first. It would be better if he had sex in a meaningful relationship instead of worthless ONS that can bring him diseases.

[Opinion Owner]

Okay
That doesn't sound permissive

[Anonymous]

By talking to him more often.

[Vesuvius87]

Great. I will