Is it a red flag if my boyfriend insists his future wife must work?

Question

So I am dating this guy it's been 2.5 years now... everything was going well, he is studying and so am I , we are in late 20's now.. so lately he's been acting distant with me for the reason that it will take him long to settle down and get a job... So he told me that in future don't expect much from me if you yourself are not working... I want my wife to be working etc and my mother won't like if I marry a girl who is not earning... i had always wanted to work that's not the issue but I had once mentioned maybe I won't work after kids etc... so now he told me it's not gonna work if you can't support or work as he is the only child nd has to manage things and parents'responsibility as well.. so if you are not earning you will just add to it etc...

Now the thing is I do want to work , but love has taken a back seat ad I don't know if I should marry this guy or not? is this red flag?

ammar12343 · Accepted Answer

Not a red flag. Just a difference in values. I like to work myself into exhaustion. I function well in high stress, so I naturally put myself in positions to do really hard shit to where I have to sink or swim. It’s toxic tbh.

My wife and I talked and she really wants to stay at home. Studies show men earn more when their wives stay at home.

This is my thought process:

When all I have to focus on is playing with my kids, and date night, I have much more time to put into work. More time to put into projects, work promotions, and network. I don’t have to cook, clean, do laundry, or any household chores. My wife does all of that, and I use all of the extra energy and time into my career.

It only works if the man wants that lifestyle as well. A lot of men work hard to earn lucrative degrees so they can have that work/life balance. It’s understandable. There’s also the fear of being an absent parent.

I’m also a big proponent of education. I think it’s incredibly valuable. I analyze data, make mathematical models, and write academic research papers. The odds of someone being able to participate and converse with me in my day to day life are slim if they have no eduction. I’m not saying I’m so stuck up, but I want to have real conversations about my day to day with my partner. You know?

So there’s a lot of consideration that goes into these decisions. Don’t let somebody tell you he’s more or less of a man because he wants an educated woman. It’s just preferences. We’re all unique in our experiences and values.

Master_Debator · Accepted Answer

Here is a pattern I've noticed... and just tell me if it at least partially computes into your situation.

Men with a high concern for financial gain or at least maintaining a certain financial status (and the reason for that vary), don't want kids and if they do have a woman, she must work.

Meanwhile, other men would prefer a girl that doesn't work and wants her to have kids. Like their concern is more about keeping her from other men and cheating... keep her at home and fill up her time with kids.

In your situation... the mention of his mother wanting a certain financial situation going on is sort of a red flag to me. Is there a certain cultural thing there like Indians or Pacific Islander that has him forking money over to Mommy? Like, for reals, why the fuck does anything his mommy wants matter to him at all? He's probably more concerned about taking care of her than his own future kids if that's the case. And if that's indeed the case... you're nothing more than a woman he fucks, but you have no use outside of that. No kids... and if you stopped working, probably no future.

Is it a red flag if my boyfriend insists his future wife must work?

xIcantsay · Accepted Answer

Honestly girl, that sounds like a red flag to me. It’s one thing to want a partner who works, but calling you a 'burden' or 'extra weight' if you don’t have an income is so disrespectful, especially after 2.5 years.
Also him bringing up his mom’s opinion is a huge warning sign. It shows he might always let her interfere in your marriage. Life gets hard, and if you decide to stay home with your kids one day, you need a husband who supports you, not someone who treats you like a business transaction. You deserve to be seen as a partner, not just a paycheck

HollyK21 · Accepted Answer

If it’s a red flag for you that he doesn’t want a stay at home wife, then leave him for someone who would be fine with you doing so after kids. If you choose to stay, then that’s also you agreeing to his terms, so you should really think about that. Don’t be one of those people who is banking on hope that he’ll change his mind one day, because then that’s just you treating his boundaries like some sort of obstacle to surpass rather than respect, and that just isn’t cool.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

My aim on GAG is to help you cut through confusion in love so you don’t ignore big red flags or miss green ones 💋

This isn’t automatically a red flag, but it *is* a huge compatibility issue.

He’s clearly saying: “My wife must work, even after kids, because of finances and family expectations.” That’s his non‑negotiable. You once said you might not want to work after kids, which is a different life script.

The real issue isn’t love, it’s long‑term lifestyle and values. If you feel pressured, unappreciated, or like a financial tool, that’s a red flag. If you genuinely want a career and are happy with a dual‑income, shared‑responsibility marriage, it can work.

But don’t marry hoping he’ll change or his mom will soften. Believe what he’s clearly telling you now, not the fantasy of what he “could” be.

Finchie40 · Answer

Not a red flag, it’s just what he wants out of a marriage, so there is nothing wrong with it , Me personally will only stay in a relationship with a girl that works with me and not against me , A marriage is a team partnership., you both work together and have each others’ backs , when 1 of you falls, the other is there to pick you up , and vice versa , if a girl is only after a man for his money, so she doesn’t have to work at all , that isn’t love , that is a user trying to take advantage of someone else and sadly there are a lot of users out there. Love only grows when 2 people choose each other no matter what obstacles come your way , so if money is the only thing you are after in a relationship, you are in for a rude awakening

DishLady · Answer

No. It just means he doesn't want a lazy woman who till sit home eating bonbons.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

I'd say it's a red flag because you aren't on the same page. Nothing wrong with him or you but honestly it sounds like he's got something else on his mind. Personally that's a hard perspective for me to understand. I would want my wife to work too but definitely not when the kids are young if at all possible. I know from experience I can be a little quick with this kinda stuff sometimes though.

Maybe try to have the conversation again?

Though I am inclined to say he sounds like he doesn't handle pressure well and will make it your fault when life inevitably makes things hard

Screenwriter · Answer

It appears to be a red flag for you since you don't want to work after having children and he wants you to continue working no matter what. So, unless this is negotiable, it sound like you've hit a wall with. this guy that you can't get past.

fantasticass · Answer

Yes, it's a red flag. What if you were in an accident of some sorts and couldn't work. Then what? I wouldn't continue a relationship with that person. Be grateful you found out now and not a few year's into a marriage with that person

Iron_Man · Answer

if you live in America you have to work. Prices are outrageous. now so after you have the kids and spend a little bit of time with them you have to get back out there and find a job and work” work” work” I have the perfect video for you. Please don’t be lazy

slatyb · Answer

Do not marry this guy -- he's already giving ultimatums and threatening you "if... don't expect anything". He has no love for you.

bowenw · Answer

It's a red flag if he is not willing to consider your ideas. If he is like this now, it will likely only get worse.

jazzy34 · Answer

If that’s not what you want to do, break up with him.

genericname85 · Answer

It's not a red flag. If you don't like working, don't get with a man who expects you to. It's personal preference. Not objective red flag.

CherryLove007 · Answer

Follow you heart and goals and not his rules. Best of luck.

Godihateyou · Answer

Run. The most important place for a wife to be after kids is home. Work doesn't care about your family, and neither does he. He wants an income stream.

Anonymous · Answer

Absolutely, leave the momma's boy to his base ment and find someone better aligned next time

Madalyn69 · Answer

Definitely a red flag. You choose if you want to

dudeinohio · Answer

Most couples have to both work to survive.

LunarEclipse433 · Answer

If she doesn’t it is a huge red flag for him

Is it a red flag if my boyfriend insists his future wife must work?

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